Venting Hating the fluctuation of depression

[Jisatsu]

For days I can't get out of bed and then I'm able to do anything and everything for a day then I'm right back into the cycle.
It's crazy how the mind works when it's mentally ill and constantly fatigued.
All I do all day is doom scroll, watch people die on wpd, occasionally scroll through here and if I have the energy I play a video game or watch something.
I'm usually sleeping away my days or dissociating ... I never feel real anymore. Life feels like a big lie.

I wish I just had the strength to do it finally, to end my suffering. I have everything I need I just hesitate out of concern for others. But I know they'd be better off without me. I'm not afraid to die I'm just afraid to live.

 

[inaminute]

You just spoke exactly how I am every day.

I have bpd aka cptsd or whatever softer name they assign to the shitty world I'm living in. I just built a nuclear submarine gaming pc with like 64gb ram and all the bells and whistles then last night emptied me bank account to buy SN played some black ops 6 today after I slept for a couple hours or before I can't really remember. Life's a fucking fog and I hate it. There's war everywhere kids dying and I won't even go too deeper than I'm heavily involved with psychiatry about to do more therapy as if I've not had enough already. Either I'm not made for this world or I get moments where I feel I can conquer it. The oscillation is horrible. So I number myself with diazepam alcohol quetiapine and a dodgy amount of questionable sn hence why I ordered the real deal from a very reputable source. Sorry I won't reply to pms asking. You're not alone.

 

[Jisatsu]

You just spoke exactly how I am every day.

I have bpd aka cptsd or whatever softer name they assign to the shitty world I'm living in. I just built a nuclear submarine gaming pc with like 64gb ram and all the bells and whistles then last night emptied me bank account to buy SN played some black ops 6 today after I slept for a couple hours or before I can't really remember. Life's a fucking fog and I hate it. There's war everywhere kids dying and I won't even go too deeper than I'm heavily involved with psychiatry about to do more therapy as if I've not had enough already. Either I'm not made for this world or I get moments where I feel I can conquer it. The oscillation is horrible. So I number myself with diazepam alcohol quetiapine and a dodgy amount of questionable sn hence why I ordered the real deal from a very reputable source. Sorry I won't reply to pms asking. You're not alone.

I have bpd too . It's absolutely the worst to deal with on a daily basis. I just hope this ends one day soon... I'm exhausted.