Venting No energy, sad, frustrated... pointless existence. Failed attempt.

[dontwantocareanymore]

Hi all. New here, obviously (30 F). Anyway, I failed my attempt (staged as accidental) which was last Wednesday via CO2 poisoning. I found a method that has been successful for others & I did it 100% to instruction, but the antihistamines did not knock me out as expected. I got close, but SI kicked in before I suffocated. Now, I either need to find a new, stronger "sedative" or take a higher concentration of antihistamines. Maybe even a new method completely for accidental, but my research hasn't lead to much. Feeling kind of lost. Going to try to pass myself out in water for good measure this time. Must CTB by this upcoming weekend.

I've tried everything within my financial reach to develop/unearth a life worth living. Chronic fatigue has crippled me. I'd love to think that it is the reason why I have failed at virtually everything in my life & am so selfish. Even though, nothing I've tried (therapy, pills, exercise, diet, etc) has induced a strong enough reason to stay so maybe none of that matters. Life has become more than stale. All I can think about is CTB anymore.

Thanks for listening & I will appreciate any responses. The only one who knows about my attempt is my ex who basically told me "don't go" & I haven't heard from him since. Been keeping all of these feelings in. I feel very grateful to have found this space. In honor of that, here is one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite artists for you all.
Sarah Mary Chadwick- Waiting on a Season

Edit: To be clear of any misunderstandings, I have plenty of reasons to live- I know that. The reason I am going is no physical & mental/emotional energy left. I crawl through life every single day. If I didn't need to stage my death as an accident, I wouldn't be typing this via firearm.

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the peace you desired, and it's good people thought it was an accident. I have CFS as well. It's miserable. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

hello, and welcome to ss. i'm sorry everything has led to this point.

you're under no obligation to answer these questions, so please feel free to ignore them if you don't want to answer them.

why do you want your suicide to look like an accident? why do you have to commit suicide before this upcoming weekend?

 

[dontwantocareanymore]

Thank you, @VIBRITANNIA!
I am quite a controversial topic as I mother a juvenile child, whom I love with all of my heart which is why I must go out staged. My child has a father who is healthy, very financially stable, & emotionally available as well as is his wife. They also have a child together.
My child will be visiting their father this upcoming weekend, so this will be an opportune time as I will be alone. I have found the end of the rope of my energy, trying to take care of myself let alone a child. It's not healthy at all.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i see. i'm not going to pretend i know exactly what it's like to be in your position, but i imagine it's extremely hard. i hope that you get the peace you desire.