Venting CTB is Hard & I’m Stuck in a Cycle

[CasperDaGhost]

It's so insane to me. I've spent the last six months thinking on why life isn't valuable, why suicide is the correct choice. I'll spend the whole day before I CTB thinking about why I'm making the right choice, why I truly believe what I'm going to do is right. Until a couple hours before I decide to do it. Then all the reasons that I fully believe in disappear. "Purpose can't exist, and you can't see any sort of reason to put effort into living? Well who cares, even though living hasn't been valuable for the past three years, it is now." It's like all of the will to live that I've lacked for the past forever suddenly appears again like it never left. I've made four attempts, and countless other "attempts" and every time my brain just falls back to "you can do it later."

So I'm stuck in a cycle of, attempt, falter and push it to a later date, think life is valuable for a day, remember and fully believe in reasons, attempt, falter. It's like my brain just dumps dopamine in me anytime I'm going to attempt and forgets to do it any other time. Again, I think my reasons are very valid and I believe in them fully. So am I just weak? Do I not have the will to do what I think is right?

After writing all of this down, most of the SI and fear has faded. But the apprehension, and the desire to postpone it is still very clearly there. Like, now that the fear has passed, I know that I'm right and I'm going to do it, but my brains still telling me to do it later. Yet I know if I do postpone it, I'll be stuck doing this over and over and over again until I get it right, or someone finds out and I'm thrown in a loony bin. I just don't get it.

Sorry for the essay, and the venting.

 

[Bibotik470]

First of all, don't apologize for venting or making a very long post. That's what this site is here for. Next, it seems like we have something in common. Now I may not be an expert on these things, but if there's one thing, it's that this cycle is more than likely something that everyone goes through when contemplating this very serious decision. The feeling of relief that you no longer have to suffer based on your choice to end it. It gives a sensation of relief. Since the option is there, all those feelings of pain seem to subside. Your mind clears for a moment when you come to terms. The burden of life being lifted off your shoulders may have you start thinking rationally in that very moment. "Why die now? The option is always there. If things get tough, the suffering won't last much longer. Might as well see what life has to offer before it's time to CTB." That's something that usually comes to mind while I'm stuck in the cycle.

You're not weak. Suicide is a very challenging thing to initiate. It takes a lot of energy for someone to end it.

I hope all of this makes sense. Not trying to encourage you to stay or to take your life either way, but just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one who constantly postpones their death then reconsiders, and faces an endless cycle of indecisiveness about life and death.

One day you'll come to terms and finally do what you need to do. It may take some time for you to get there, but believe me, you'll get to that point and finally come to that decision to end it. No reconsiderations. Nothing. Maybe you'll be numb when it happens. Maybe you'll be scared or even joyful.

Be patient with yourself.

I wish you a safe, painless, and peaceful attempt when you decide to CTB.