2stubborn2die
We all need and deserve love and empathy.
- Jan 8, 2024
- 6
Hi. I'm Carlos. a 47 years old male from Ecuador (apparently there are not too many from South America around here).
I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder as for events occurred when I was 3 to 4 years old. I was tortured and abused in flesh and soul by a woman who was supposed to babysit me, but who was my dad's lover and hated me and my mom. After that, I didn't eat, smile or sleep well, anymore, I really wanted to be dead!
My father died when I was 7, then my mother went totally crazy and violent: she and her mother, my grandma, told me how awful and evil my dad had been and told me that I was "the Son of the Devil".
In my adolescence I had my first severe depression. After that, in 1996 (at 20 years old) I experienced a Psychotic Break, that would altere my life for the next decade (and, to an extent, for the rest of my life). As some people here, I know in the flesh how panic attacks feel, same with generalized anxiety, depression, etc. I have insomnia since 2015 and cannot sleep without drugs. Currently I have some form of chronic somatic disorder.
In 2018 I met a woman. She put me into a trap. She supposedly got pregnant of my child. She let us (me and the kid) believe that we were father and son. Lie after lie, year after year, she continued crafting a web of lies... until I felt so stupid! So, I made the DNA test and confirmed how stupid I actually was. The experience was brutal. My "son" and I loved each other so much! All this was a well thought and elaborated plan to subdue me.
I loved a woman that I met in 2007 (and married to in 2009). We last for 8 years, but I ruined it completely. I had very similar experiences with other women I loved, but I always end ruining those relationships.
My life was ruined to an unimaginable degree during my childhood and adolescence, so I became someone who ruins things, I guess. As consequence of all this shit I'm alone, jobless and having suicidal thoughts/feelings/desires all the time. Support? Hey, maybe a cousin or two. Apart from that, my immediate "family" is a disaster (as it has always be) and currently I have no real close friends.
I have 3 lovely cats, all female (kind of "substitute" to the boy I missed). They're lying next to me as I write this.
When I imagine myself hanging from the ceiling, with a rope around my neck, I cannot avoid thinking in the terrifying spectacle it'd be to my "babies" to see me like that.
I choose 2stubborn2die as my nickname because I simply cannot understand why I'm still here.
I know that probably I'm hanging to an illusion, but I still hope... maybe find a woman and feel love again...
I feel so desperately alone!
2024 is my limit to find someone and try to do my best to regain some sort of life purpose. If it does not happen, I'll be quitting myself from the world on 2025.
Thanks for reading and receiving me on this community. Very appreciated!
I suffer from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder as for events occurred when I was 3 to 4 years old. I was tortured and abused in flesh and soul by a woman who was supposed to babysit me, but who was my dad's lover and hated me and my mom. After that, I didn't eat, smile or sleep well, anymore, I really wanted to be dead!
My father died when I was 7, then my mother went totally crazy and violent: she and her mother, my grandma, told me how awful and evil my dad had been and told me that I was "the Son of the Devil".
In my adolescence I had my first severe depression. After that, in 1996 (at 20 years old) I experienced a Psychotic Break, that would altere my life for the next decade (and, to an extent, for the rest of my life). As some people here, I know in the flesh how panic attacks feel, same with generalized anxiety, depression, etc. I have insomnia since 2015 and cannot sleep without drugs. Currently I have some form of chronic somatic disorder.
In 2018 I met a woman. She put me into a trap. She supposedly got pregnant of my child. She let us (me and the kid) believe that we were father and son. Lie after lie, year after year, she continued crafting a web of lies... until I felt so stupid! So, I made the DNA test and confirmed how stupid I actually was. The experience was brutal. My "son" and I loved each other so much! All this was a well thought and elaborated plan to subdue me.
I loved a woman that I met in 2007 (and married to in 2009). We last for 8 years, but I ruined it completely. I had very similar experiences with other women I loved, but I always end ruining those relationships.
My life was ruined to an unimaginable degree during my childhood and adolescence, so I became someone who ruins things, I guess. As consequence of all this shit I'm alone, jobless and having suicidal thoughts/feelings/desires all the time. Support? Hey, maybe a cousin or two. Apart from that, my immediate "family" is a disaster (as it has always be) and currently I have no real close friends.
I have 3 lovely cats, all female (kind of "substitute" to the boy I missed). They're lying next to me as I write this.
When I imagine myself hanging from the ceiling, with a rope around my neck, I cannot avoid thinking in the terrifying spectacle it'd be to my "babies" to see me like that.
I choose 2stubborn2die as my nickname because I simply cannot understand why I'm still here.
I know that probably I'm hanging to an illusion, but I still hope... maybe find a woman and feel love again...
I feel so desperately alone!
2024 is my limit to find someone and try to do my best to regain some sort of life purpose. If it does not happen, I'll be quitting myself from the world on 2025.
Thanks for reading and receiving me on this community. Very appreciated!
