FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,730
When I joined Sanctioned Suicide during the lockdown I have met many wonderful people from all over the world. There are members that I knew, spent time with online and later ctb. Many years later I still remember them because they taught me so much about life and how suicide truly is complex.

1) @AcornUnderground. She was an amazing woman who really loved life and didn't even want to die. AcornUnderground really loved her kids, her partner and had an amazing life until her diagnosis of sjögrens syndrome. I have never heard of this illness when she mentioned it. What I learned from her was this illness has no cure and leaves the sufferer in constant chronic pain and causes the persons health to deteriorate.

Reading her story made me realise that nobody wants to leave behind their family and loved ones but when pain whether emotional or physical is so strong the urge to kill yourself becomes so strong too and can't be avoided. She said so on many occasions she didnt want to die and wanted to live but illnesses just made life everyday intolerable . She tried numerous medicines to provide relief from her pain but nothing really worked. The condition left her physically disabled

She planned to kill herself by going to Switzerland using the assisted suicide programme called Pegasos. She was approved as a candidate for assisted suicide but the covid19 pandemic led to travel bans globalwide. She decided to kill herself at home and came on Sanctioned Suicide looking for methods. Her last post was August 2020. She was always very active and ever so kind to me.

2) @rebelsue She was very lovely and intelligent woman with a biology degree and she was also in a band.
She was around people who were really horrible to her and never appreciated her. Her parents were very abusive and even publicly put her down infront of other people. The husband was also not a nice man from the things she mentioned about him online. She shared her problems in her life that led to her wanting to kill herself.

Before she left at Sanctioned Suicide she snapped at me over a comment I made. On a thread she posted about being stressed with her life and I just made a suggestion of something fun to make her feel better. At I didn't don't know how border laws worked and I thought it was easy for a person in the USA to drive through the Canadian border and vist Canada. I suggested to her she should get her car and drive through the Canadian border and have fun in Canada for a day.

She got mad and snapped at me over my suggestion. I did apologie to her and she never accepted my apology. Another member told me she left Sanctioned Suicide in August 2020. I still feel bad many years later.

Which deceased Sanctioned Suicide member impacted you the most.
 
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asthedayends00

asthedayends00

flyingtourist
Oct 18, 2024
137
Atheistjoe was prob my fav dude since I've been lurking here (may 24'). He ctb couple weeks ago.. so much peace to found for all of us
 
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zekeyaeger

zekeyaeger

Student
Mar 30, 2023
122
PlatoCaveDweller for me. I did not know he was quite active here, he offered to help me with my questions. I asked him a question a while ago and did not recieve a reply for a while, and I thought that was weird. It turned out that he had CBT'ed earlier. I am glad that he is free from his pain, but it all did affect me.
 
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Pryras

Pryras

Last hope
Feb 11, 2020
535
Goodpersoneffed but she made her goodbye thread when I was taking a break from the site. She was very wise and responded to my crisis threads with good advice. I wish I was there for her goodbye thread and hope she found peace on her journey out.
 
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S

suffering_mo

Specialist
May 8, 2024
361
When I joined Sanctioned Suicide during the lockdown I have met many wonderful people from all over the world. There are members that I knew, spent time with online and later ctb. Many years later I still remember them because they taught me so much about life and how suicide truly is complex.

1) @AcornUnderground. She was an amazing woman who really loved life and didn't even want to die. AcornUnderground really loved her kids, her partner and had an amazing life until her diagnosis of sjögrens syndrome. I have never heard of this illness when she mentioned it. What I learned from her was this illness has no cure and leaves the sufferer in constant chronic pain and causes the persons health to deteriorate.

Reading her story made me realise that nobody wants to leave behind their family and loved ones but when pain whether emotional or physical is so strong the urge to kill yourself becomes so strong too and can't be avoided. She said so on many occasions she didnt want to die and wanted to live but illnesses just made life everyday intolerable . She tried numerous medicines to provide relief from her pain but nothing really worked. The condition left her physically disabled

She planned to kill herself by going to Switzerland using the assisted suicide programme called Pegasos. She was approved as a candidate for assisted suicide but the covid19 pandemic led to travel bans globalwide. She decided to kill herself at home and came on Sanctioned Suicide looking for methods. Her last post was August 2020. She was always very active and ever so kind to me.

2) @rebelsue She was very lovely and intelligent woman with a biology degree and she was also in a band.
She was around people who were really horrible to her and never appreciated her. Her parents were very abusive and even publicly put her down infront of other people. The husband was also not a nice man from the things she mentioned about him online. She shared her problems in her life that led to her wanting to kill herself.

Before she left at Sanctioned Suicide she snapped at me over a comment I made. On a thread she posted about being stressed with her life and I just made a suggestion of something fun to make her feel better. At I didn't don't know how border laws worked and I thought it was easy for a person in the USA to drive through the Canadian border and vist Canada. I suggested to her she should get her car and drive through the Canadian border and have fun in Canada for a day.

She got mad and snapped at me over my suggestion. I did apologie to her and she never accepted my apology. Another member told me she left Sanctioned Suicide in August 2020. I still feel bad many years later.

Which deceased Sanctioned Suicide member impacted you the most.
Physical pain and illness is torturous. Do you know how @AcornUnderground went? SN or N? There was no thread about her ctb.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Eating Disordered Junkie
Jun 2, 2024
1,282
Atheistjoe was prob my fav dude since I've been lurking here (may 24'). He ctb couple weeks ago.. so much peace to found for all of us
PlatoCaveDweller for me. I did not know he was quite active here, he offered to help me with my questions. I asked him a question a while ago and did not recieve a reply for a while, and I thought that was weird. It turned out that he had CBT'ed earlier. I am glad that he is free from his pain, but it all did affect me.
Can def relate to both of you on these two. We and a few others had a tight knit group and they both made so many great contributions to the site and i miss them but I'm happy for them both, they did what they truly wanted to do in the end. Sending hugs to you both, I get it, trust. <3
 
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ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

death will be my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
5,101
Nobody really. It's nice that people who used to be members here have found their peace but none of it really impacts me as death is just a part of life after all so it's difficult for me to really feel anything (other than envy at how they found peace)
 
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S

skatergirl

Student
Oct 28, 2024
139
When I joined Sanctioned Suicide during the lockdown I have met many wonderful people from all over the world. There are members that I knew, spent time with online and later ctb. Many years later I still remember them because they taught me so much about life and how suicide truly is complex.

1) @AcornUnderground. She was an amazing woman who really loved life and didn't even want to die. AcornUnderground really loved her kids, her partner and had an amazing life until her diagnosis of sjögrens syndrome. I have never heard of this illness when she mentioned it. What I learned from her was this illness has no cure and leaves the sufferer in constant chronic pain and causes the persons health to deteriorate.

Reading her story made me realise that nobody wants to leave behind their family and loved ones but when pain whether emotional or physical is so strong the urge to kill yourself becomes so strong too and can't be avoided. She said so on many occasions she didnt want to die and wanted to live but illnesses just made life everyday intolerable . She tried numerous medicines to provide relief from her pain but nothing really worked. The condition left her physically disabled

She planned to kill herself by going to Switzerland using the assisted suicide programme called Pegasos. She was approved as a candidate for assisted suicide but the covid19 pandemic led to travel bans globalwide. She decided to kill herself at home and came on Sanctioned Suicide looking for methods. Her last post was August 2020. She was always very active and ever so kind to me.

2) @rebelsue She was very lovely and intelligent woman with a biology degree and she was also in a band.
She was around people who were really horrible to her and never appreciated her. Her parents were very abusive and even publicly put her down infront of other people. The husband was also not a nice man from the things she mentioned about him online. She shared her problems in her life that led to her wanting to kill herself.

Before she left at Sanctioned Suicide she snapped at me over a comment I made. On a thread she posted about being stressed with her life and I just made a suggestion of something fun to make her feel better. At I didn't don't know how border laws worked and I thought it was easy for a person in the USA to drive through the Canadian border and vist Canada. I suggested to her she should get her car and drive through the Canadian border and have fun in Canada for a day.

She got mad and snapped at me over my suggestion. I did apologie to her and she never accepted my apology. Another member told me she left Sanctioned Suicide in August 2020. I still feel bad many years later.

Which deceased Sanctioned Suicide member impacted you the most.
What method did she choose may she rip
Atheistjoe was prob my fav dude since I've been lurking here (may 24'). He ctb couple weeks ago.. so much peace to found for all of us
Which method did he chose
 
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_AllCatsAreGrey_

_AllCatsAreGrey_

(they/he)
Mar 4, 2024
575
LonelyKitten 💔
 
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Seele

Seele

Sayonara
Apr 25, 2024
152
I don't remember the nickname, but it was with a girl I exchanged a few messages with in the first week I met Sasu, due to the huge time difference I only got to see her say goodbye much later, and she never joined Discord again.

QM, because he was someone who always gave me life advice, I had absent parents and I never heard anything from them. QM helped me calm down once so I didn't commit a CTB on impulse and end up with serious consequences. I stayed away from the site for a while, I went back and sent him a message and he didn't respond...then they sent me a farewell thread about him, I already knew he had a SN, but I was surprised...but this time I had already said goodbye to him, the moment I found out about SN.
 
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KuriGohan&Kamehameha

KuriGohan&Kamehameha

想死不能 - 想活不能
Nov 23, 2020
1,732
I really miss my friend @Midgardsorm
He was a great moderator and was kind and caring to all, incredibly patient, cheerful, and understanding too. He left a lasting impact on quite a few of us as I used to talk to him daily, you could tell he really cared about you as a person beyond the surface level and had a lot of empathy for others. When he passed it was so sudden, I never expected it to happen.

@Zanexx / Callie is another person I have a lot of respect for and whose story has stuck with me for years. Her writing and documentary in the media are what lead me here in the first place, so even though I did not get to know her personally before she passed, I connected a lot with her story once I learned of what she had been through in her life as an autistic person dealing with a great deal of ostracization, and being failed over and over again by mental health services.
 
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Melly

Melly

Pain receptacle
Aug 13, 2019
36
QM. I miss seeing that silly goober in chat. We had a lot of similar life philosophies. I came back expecting to see them in chat. I found their goodbye message instead. I miss you QM
 
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D

Deleted member 8119

Warlock
Feb 6, 2024
765
There were two, but I don't remember them for good reasons, the total opposite, and I can't say I miss them at all. I'm not better to endure tho, but at least I admit it.

I haven't emphatized with any member yet, I'm afraid. And after such experiences I don't want to ever again.

It's so bizarre to see how my experiences are so much different and bitter to the rest, but it's because I'm a red flag on myself, and I don't recommend talking with me at all lol. Yet I prefer it this way since it's more control over my life.
 
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PixelPlant

PixelPlant

smile, you’ve lived :)
Aug 15, 2023
129
hi-okbye, she had such a big impact on this site also can't forget about venin
 
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PlannedforPeru

PlannedforPeru

SaSu. Lurker
Sep 21, 2024
138
I'm a reductive asshole so to the people who've impacted me the most, I feel that they have done so for thematic reasons rather than growing attached to them as I didn't get to know them as much as people.

1.) AJoe, I haven't been on the site long, but it pains me to see someone who spent the last (and seemingly substantial) portion of their lives devoted to being the epitome of compassion through comforting others, be brought to suicide. Shit like this kills any miniscule belief that we inhabit a "just world", live under anything remotely resembling a meritocracy, or that karma can exist.

2.) I don't remember the names of others but there was one user who posted like 4 times and then just vanished with what I'm assuming was a successful attempt. Their posts didn't receive a lot of traction even to this day, but I'd like to keep their memory and those like them in mind, despite me doing it poorly.

3.) There was another woman who was slingshot into a depressive state as she had recently lost her husband in a shooting and shortly after miscarried, I believe. Reading through her posts and piecing together her story was heartbreaking. She was also very upfront about a lot of elements of her life, which was a pretty uncomfortable, humanizing, eye-opening experience in how I viewed this forum.

It's so bizarre to see how my experiences are so much different and bitter to the rest, but it's because I'm a red flag on myself, and I don't recommend talking with me at all lol. Yet I prefer it this way since it's more control over my life.

I could be seriously lost in translation, but to this point I really don't get how most people are willing to surrender control for companionship or accept (let alone be happy with) that as the nature of things. I guess I tell myself that's the innate difference in values. I despise being emotionally beholden to attachments I never even asked for.
 
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ijustwishtodie

ijustwishtodie

death will be my ultimate bliss
Oct 29, 2023
5,101
It's so bizarre to see how my experiences are so much different and bitter to the rest, but it's because I'm a red flag on myself, and I don't recommend talking with me at all lol. Yet I prefer it this way since it's more control over my life.
Same here, minus the red flag. I'm just so different compared to everybody else here in terms of my experiences and beliefs. I'm literally an outcast amongst an already niche community
 
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TAW122

TAW122

Emissary of the right to die.
Aug 30, 2018
6,870
@TiredHorse because not only was he really understanding and logical, he also had a wealth of knowledge about methods and such. I miss the camaraderie that I shared with him in late 2018 and up until mid-2019. I don't know what happened to him but I presumed he CTB'd or something as he mentioned about missing his SO so much that he was heartbroken. The last time I had any contact with him was around August 2019, almost my 1st anniversary of being on SaSu.
 
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Sunset Limited

Sunset Limited

I believe in Sunset Limited
Jul 29, 2019
1,322
@woxihuanni I have a very long chat with her. I left the forum when she was planning CTB. I returned after a long time, but she was not here. She never leaved a goodbye thread. I do not even know what happened to her. I decided never to be friends with anyone on this site again. I do not write or read farewell threads. PM is closed. I will not experience this pain again. I only write about methods. This is better for me.
 
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AnderDethsky

AnderDethsky

/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿(╥﹏╥)
Oct 19, 2024
80
I haven't been a participant here yet, but was just researching this read only resource, when I came across this case, which definitely impressed me and, forgive me for a bit of romanticizing it, inspired me. — @StrawberryPanic CTB (21 years old)



It was a re-upload of several videos posted in the thread in the long-ago 2021 by a certain @user398417, who was also in the role of a witness who recorded CTB.


The videos were recordings of a Whatsapp video call on the phone screen, judging by the interface language and some messages, the language is Portuguese. they showed the OP communicating on a video call with a pretty girl, with nickname StrawberryPanic on the forum, during which she drank SN from a measuring container.


There is no sound in the videos, because, according to the OP, the files were damaged after the recording was stopped. CTB was only partially recorded on the video, because Strawberry put the phone in front of her while lying in headphones, and after losing consciousness, she fell over on the other side and the headphone wire dragged the phone after her, falling down with the camera. In the post, the OP confirmed her successful death, telling us that she consumed it on an empty stomach for 8 hours of fasting, using propranolol and fruit salt as an antacid. And as it was seen on the video, she did not vomit once during the whole process.

I was interested in what could make someone like her to do it, she didn't write much here, one of her posts was like this, and we can guess the reasons mainly from it:
"think I'm dead inside. I've never lived like that, without no dream or thought about me in the future. Before all of this, I've felt alive, now I just want another life, 'cause I can't see the light for that. On the next 2 months I dont even will have where to live, i don't want to back to where I was abused. I have no one for me, even me.
Today's morning, thinking about how i'll do the end, it seems like scary, in times like that, I'm a person who never could end your own life. But now, it seems like a task."


In fact, everything that is known about her, except that she is 21 and she was from Brazil.

This record left a deep impression on me: she absolutely bravely went all this way, as she seemed absolutely calm. She even smiled after consume SN, after no-return point. She has a few times apnea and slow breathing, but in general everything went so... peaceful, for me this is the first time in my life when I look at death from exactly this angle, and not on gore sites, the only thing worse than their content is the comments below it.

In the end, she just inspired me as a brave soul.:heart:

Her bravery and calmness in these videos are further notable for the fact that in her post published a year before, she described herself as unable to kill herself in any way. The same thing I think about myself. And so I see how someone who thought they were incapable of doing this eventually finds the strength to do it, and that's me... It is encouraging, and definitely contributed to my decision to purchase SN myself and use it.


I'm sorry again, but when I think about her, I'm reminded of this Rammstein song.
 
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D

DOHARDTHINGS24

Arcanist
Apr 30, 2024
412
Plato'sCaveDweller. I'm gonna be super dramatic but my life is so much less without them. I miss them to a ridiculous amount, so much more than I imagined & still talk to them - about Trump & song lyrics, anything at all. I make a lot of jokes just for them. I know it's probably healthier to let go but if I hurry up & catch my bus, I'll just skip that step & keep them with me…💔
 
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nattys5thtoenail

nattys5thtoenail

goofball
Oct 6, 2024
182
I haven't been a participant here yet, but was just researching this read only resource, when I came across this case, which definitely impressed me and, forgive me for a bit of romanticizing it, inspired me. — @StrawberryPanic CTB (21 years old)

View attachment 154034

It was a re-upload of several videos posted in the thread in the long-ago 2021 by a certain @user398417, who was also in the role of a witness who recorded CTB.


The videos were recordings of a Whatsapp video call on the phone screen, judging by the interface language and some messages, the language is Portuguese. they showed the OP communicating on a video call with a pretty girl, with nickname StrawberryPanic on the forum, during which she drank SN from a measuring container.

View attachment 154039
There is no sound in the videos, because, according to the OP, the files were damaged after the recording was stopped. CTB was only partially recorded on the video, because Strawberry put the phone in front of her while lying in headphones, and after losing consciousness, she fell over on the other side and the headphone wire dragged the phone after her, falling down with the camera. In the post, the OP confirmed her successful death, telling us that she consumed it on an empty stomach for 8 hours of fasting, using propranolol and fruit salt as an antacid. And as it was seen on the video, she did not vomit once during the whole process.
View attachment 154038
I was interested in what could make someone like her to do it, she didn't write much here, one of her posts was like this, and we can guess the reasons mainly from it:
"think I'm dead inside. I've never lived like that, without no dream or thought about me in the future. Before all of this, I've felt alive, now I just want another life, 'cause I can't see the light for that. On the next 2 months I dont even will have where to live, i don't want to back to where I was abused. I have no one for me, even me.
Today's morning, thinking about how i'll do the end, it seems like scary, in times like that, I'm a person who never could end your own life. But now, it seems like a task."


In fact, everything that is known about her, except that she is 21 and she was from Brazil.

This record left a deep impression on me: she absolutely bravely went all this way, as she seemed absolutely calm. She even smiled after consume SN, after no-return point. She has a few times apnea and slow breathing, but in general everything went so... peaceful, for me this is the first time in my life when I look at death from exactly this angle, and not on gore sites, the only thing worse than their content is the comments below it.

In the end, she just inspired me as a brave soul.:heart:

Her bravery and calmness in these videos are further notable for the fact that in her post published a year before, she described herself as unable to kill herself in any way. The same thing I think about myself. And so I see how someone who thought they were incapable of doing this eventually finds the strength to do it, and that's me... It is encouraging, and definitely contributed to my decision to purchase SN myself and use it.


I'm sorry again, but when I think about her, I'm reminded of this Rammstein song.

I wish to go out peacefully like that
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,730
I haven't been a participant here yet, but was just researching this read only resource, when I came across this case, which definitely impressed me and, forgive me for a bit of romanticizing it, inspired me. — @StrawberryPanic CTB (21 years old)

View attachment 154034

It was a re-upload of several videos posted in the thread in the long-ago 2021 by a certain @user398417, who was also in the role of a witness who recorded CTB.


The videos were recordings of a Whatsapp video call on the phone screen, judging by the interface language and some messages, the language is Portuguese. they showed the OP communicating on a video call with a pretty girl, with nickname StrawberryPanic on the forum, during which she drank SN from a measuring container.

View attachment 154039
There is no sound in the videos, because, according to the OP, the files were damaged after the recording was stopped. CTB was only partially recorded on the video, because Strawberry put the phone in front of her while lying in headphones, and after losing consciousness, she fell over on the other side and the headphone wire dragged the phone after her, falling down with the camera. In the post, the OP confirmed her successful death, telling us that she consumed it on an empty stomach for 8 hours of fasting, using propranolol and fruit salt as an antacid. And as it was seen on the video, she did not vomit once during the whole process.
View attachment 154038
I was interested in what could make someone like her to do it, she didn't write much here, one of her posts was like this, and we can guess the reasons mainly from it:
"think I'm dead inside. I've never lived like that, without no dream or thought about me in the future. Before all of this, I've felt alive, now I just want another life, 'cause I can't see the light for that. On the next 2 months I dont even will have where to live, i don't want to back to where I was abused. I have no one for me, even me.
Today's morning, thinking about how i'll do the end, it seems like scary, in times like that, I'm a person who never could end your own life. But now, it seems like a task."


In fact, everything that is known about her, except that she is 21 and she was from Brazil.

This record left a deep impression on me: she absolutely bravely went all this way, as she seemed absolutely calm. She even smiled after consume SN, after no-return point. She has a few times apnea and slow breathing, but in general everything went so... peaceful, for me this is the first time in my life when I look at death from exactly this angle, and not on gore sites, the only thing worse than their content is the comments below it.

In the end, she just inspired me as a brave soul.:heart:

Her bravery and calmness in these videos are further notable for the fact that in her post published a year before, she described herself as unable to kill herself in any way. The same thing I think about myself. And so I see how someone who thought they were incapable of doing this eventually finds the strength to do it, and that's me... It is encouraging, and definitely contributed to my decision to purchase SN myself and use it.


I'm sorry again, but when I think about her, I'm reminded of this Rammstein song.

@AnderDethsky Why was someone filming her kill herself?
 
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Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Global Mod
Feb 13, 2020
3,118
I've been here for a while, so there have been more users who have had an impact, Dear friends who I remember all lovingly
@phezel @faust @TheNorthernSilence @Busdriver @leeloosnow
@QueerMelancholy
 
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AnderDethsky

AnderDethsky

/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿(╥﹏╥)
Oct 19, 2024
80
@AnderDethsky Why was someone filming her kill herself?
For the purpose of documenting the SN CTB as third party evidence,obviously. She was, apparently, consenting to this.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,730
@woxihuanni I have a very long chat with her. I left the forum when she was planning CTB. I returned after a long time, but she was not here. She never leaved a goodbye thread. I do not even know what happened to her. I decided never to be friends with anyone on this site again. I do not write or read farewell threads. PM is closed. I will not experience this pain again. I only write about methods. This is better for me.
@Sunset Limited Fair enough. The pain of losing a friend hurts so much it's understandable you want to protect yourself.

If society and governments did more to help mentally ill and vunlerable people live better this website wouldn't even exist. The more I started learning about the lives of Sanctioned Suicide members the more I discovered these people have gone through a lot of suffering in life and never got the help they needed. In the end these people feel suicide can give relief for their suffering.
 
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A

Asleepatlast

Student
Sep 12, 2024
123
I really miss my friend @Midgardsorm
He was a great moderator and was kind and caring to all, incredibly patient, cheerful, and understanding too. He left a lasting impact on quite a few of us as I used to talk to him daily, you could tell he really cared about you as a person beyond the surface level and had a lot of empathy for others. When he passed it was so sudden, I never expected it to happen.

@Zanexx / Callie is another person I have a lot of respect for and whose story has stuck with me for years. Her writing and documentary in the media are what lead me here in the first place, so even though I did not get to know her personally before she passed, I connected a lot with her story once I learned of what she had been through in her life as an autistic person dealing with a great deal of ostracization, and being failed over and over again by mental health services.
Are you able to share where I could see her documentary and find her writing?
 
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Sunset Limited

Sunset Limited

I believe in Sunset Limited
Jul 29, 2019
1,322
@Sunset Limited Fair enough. The pain of losing a friend hurts so much it's understandable you want to protect yourself.
Thanks. I rly can't handle another goodbye.
 
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vanillamilkshakes

vanillamilkshakes

Aspiring Corpse
Aug 26, 2024
434
@Plato'sCaveDweller for me, he was always kind, and took time out of his day to answer my questions etc. He was so active, it's strange not seeing him online anymore, or answering a thread even thought he CTB'd 3 weeks ago. I'm glad I got to say goodbye to him before he went :heart:
 
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theolivanderroach

theolivanderroach

but, what ends when the symbols shatter?
Sep 20, 2024
120
I'm a new member here but I have been a guest for many years. @xLosthopex I knew her in two other communities outside of here. I knew she had been suffering from her illness but she was always so sweet and kind. It was so sad to find out she ctb but I'm glad her suffering has ended. I always think of her <3
 
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