New Here - My Story

[seekingsafetyxoxo]

I've wanted to commit suicide since I was around 14. I tried to hold on to hope that things would get better, but I'm 25 now and still in the same boat. Every situationship gone wrong is a trigger for me. I can't keep a stable relationship and it's difficult for me to hold down jobs because of my panic attacks and my slowness at times. Most recently, a guy I was seeing became distant after we slept together, and I love him so much and I hate myself for it. He used to talk about wanting to marry me and now he only messages me if I send him a direct question. He said he wants to wait until after Halloween to be in a relationship because he has trauma this time of year and doesn't think he can be a good partner right now, and he said he wants to work on himself first. But I think he just doesn't like me.

I'm too much of a coward to attempt suicide sober (I worry about Hell and all that) but I recently got drunk and overdosed. Then when I couldn't breathe I chickened out and called 911. Then a couple weeks later I was put in an involuntary hospitalization for a week (the beds were so hard that my back hurts now). I'm out of the psych ward but I still want to die so badly. I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. I don't talk to my parents (they're multi millionaires and extremely selfish people in general. My mom is an anti-vaxxer and I wasn't allowed to take antibiotics, Ibuprofen, or Tylenol or go to the doctor as a kid, leading to some bad situations for me and my siblings). From what I've been told, they never donate money to charity and just go on these lavish vacations. I'm also getting tested for autism soon.

I'm constantly in emotional pain. It's often hard for me to concentrate on anything because I want so badly to just be unconscious. Can anyone relate? My friends IRL just keep telling me to get help. I'm in therapy, I take medications, I've done ketamine and TMS treatments, and I'm not getting better. The only thing that brings me peace is thinking about death.

 

[soulchaser_]

I honestly think that guy doesn't want you. I also had an experience like that this year. We met online and everything was cool, met and slept together, I told him I was hoping for a relationship. Now supposedly talking to me 'feels like a chore' for him, he says all these hurtful things, 'joked' that he regrets meeting.
Yeah it hurts. But understanding that person doesn't care about you the way you do about them, and realising there's people out there who do care about you unconditionally, really freshes up the brain for a moment.
So I can relate. Maybe it'd be good for your mental health to stop focusing on him for a while. No need to make rash decisions, just let the connection be, exist, while you do other things - stuff that makes you feel accomplished, satisfied with yourself, and care for the ones that do enjoy your love. Wishing you the best

 

[seekingsafetyxoxo]

I honestly think that guy doesn't want you. I also had an experience like that this year. We met online and everything was cool, met and slept together, I told him I was hoping for a relationship. Now supposedly talking to me 'feels like a chore' for him, he says all these hurtful things, 'joked' that he regrets meeting.
Yeah it hurts. But understanding that person doesn't care about you the way you do about them, and realising there's people out there who do care about you unconditionally, really freshes up the brain for a moment.
So I can relate. Maybe it'd be good for your mental health to stop focusing on him for a while. No need to make rash decisions, just let the connection be, exist, while you do other things - stuff that makes you feel accomplished, satisfied with yourself, and care for the ones that do enjoy your love. Wishing you the best

Thank you for your kind words. I broke things off with him about a month ago because he didn't reach out to me after I got out of the psych ward. and last night he brought another girl on a date to one of my friend groups' events. I ended up breaking down and spending the night at my ex girlfriends house because I didn't feel like I could keep myself safe. Now I'm stuck at work until 3:30 and don't know how I'll get through the day. I keep thinking, what does this other girl have that I don't? I'm happy for both of them and I want them to be happy but the whole thing makes me want to die even more. I'm looking into getting SN but it's so hard to find.

 

[wilting_flower]

I've wanted to commit suicide since I was around 14. I tried to hold on to hope that things would get better, but I'm 25 now and still in the same boat. Every situationship gone wrong is a trigger for me. I can't keep a stable relationship and it's difficult for me to hold down jobs because of my panic attacks and my slowness at times. Most recently, a guy I was seeing became distant after we slept together, and I love him so much and I hate myself for it. He used to talk about wanting to marry me and now he only messages me if I send him a direct question. He said he wants to wait until after Halloween to be in a relationship because he has trauma this time of year and doesn't think he can be a good partner right now, and he said he wants to work on himself first. But I think he just doesn't like me.

I'm too much of a coward to attempt suicide sober (I worry about Hell and all that) but I recently got drunk and overdosed. Then when I couldn't breathe I chickened out and called 911. Then a couple weeks later I was put in an involuntary hospitalization for a week (the beds were so hard that my back hurts now). I'm out of the psych ward but I still want to die so badly. I have borderline personality disorder, anxiety, and depression. I don't talk to my parents (they're multi millionaires and extremely selfish people in general. My mom is an anti-vaxxer and I wasn't allowed to take antibiotics, Ibuprofen, or Tylenol or go to the doctor as a kid, leading to some bad situations for me and my siblings). From what I've been told, they never donate money to charity and just go on these lavish vacations. I'm also getting tested for autism soon.

I'm constantly in emotional pain. It's often hard for me to concentrate on anything because I want so badly to just be unconscious. Can anyone relate? My friends IRL just keep telling me to get help. I'm in therapy, I take medications, I've done ketamine and TMS treatments, and I'm not getting better. The only thing that brings me peace is thinking about death.

My parents are very similar and I've been stuck living with them for a few months now. I'm sorry you have to deal with them and the coldness that comes with rich folks. it's like money is the only language they speak, never really offering comfort or anything emotional.

 

[seekingsafetyxoxo]

My parents are very similar and I've been stuck living with them for a few months now. I'm sorry you have to deal with them and the coldness that comes with rich folks. it's like money is the only language they speak, never really offering comfort or anything emotional.

I'm sorry you've been through that too. I feel like my parents want to keep me alive but they don't care if I'm actually happy or not. I asked them for financial help to get to Pegasos and they said no even though they're multi millionaires.