I currently feel somewhat good. My holidays were supposed to best the greatest time of the year. I feel nightmarish at college usually especially last semester escalated insanely. I had to take so much addictive medication and I had two months severe withdrawal symptoms. The first time in my life I ever felt them on this high level. My anxiety usually is very high but in the holidays it was extremely high. Moreover some memories of my time at college tormented me. Since two weeks the withdrawal symptoms got way less. I really experience that I like to exist which is very seldom for me. Soon when college starts again I will deteriorate again. I am anxious but it is still managable.
I have this small time period now in which I feel some happiness. So I want to use that energy to write a positive thread.
There are lies depression tell me. Not all people will relate to them but this is my personal view on life and my experience of what it feels like to exist. It will probably depend on the personal beliefs the person has towards life.
Depression tells me life could not get better and existence is necessarily extremely painful.
I suffer a lot. But currently I must say there are some things I genuinely enjoy and feel thankful for. For this small time period I am glad to exist. (Sadly not on the macro level). Especially the comparison with rock bottom makes me feel thankful because I know how painful life can be and how much things I had to abstain from. There were things in the past like nasty side-effects which I were able to get rid off. There is for sure pain involved in existence. But one can still try to find meaning in living despite all of that. Sometimes the pleasure/pain relation can be improved. I think the main incident that changed my current mood was: Two weeks ago I considered to kill myself. It made me extremely depressive to plan it. I asked myself whether it is really the right time for that. I have made a lot of progress in comparison to past mental health states. For example taking the medication helped to improve my life a lot. (relatively speaking). I can still kill myself when rock bottom returns. But for now I try to focus on the positive for example the party I will soon have with my friends. And this attitude helped me to improve my mood.
So my answer is: life can be worth living from time to time
After my manias with psychotic symptoms I felt like a pervert who molests women. The shame was undescribable. However it was complete bullshit and pathological. The pain was insane but sort of irrational. Though just coming to that conclusion did not make the immense psychosomatic pain go away. The depression was connected to insane feelings of shame. Things that tortured me in an insane way with barely any way to defend myself. But this certainly was a lie. I did not molest any women. The women either ignored me or cringed a little bit because I behaved awkwardly. Some were rather concerned about my health.
Maybe it was comparable with a drunk guy who is still very calm and introverted. I did not molest anyone. But my mind tortured me with that notion over a long time period.
Self-hatred.
My depression increases self-loathing a lot. I really hate myself. However I see people here who are even hating themselves on a (way) higher level.
I think I am not such a bad guy realistically I don't deserve anything of the immense existential pain that I am going through. Even though depression can falsely induce that thought. Like there was a higher being that wants to punish me. This was one reason why being religious made my life way worse. Losing my faith completely decreased the guilty conscience for being suicidal which religions and depressions often fuel.
Which lies do your depressions tell you?
I have this small time period now in which I feel some happiness. So I want to use that energy to write a positive thread.
There are lies depression tell me. Not all people will relate to them but this is my personal view on life and my experience of what it feels like to exist. It will probably depend on the personal beliefs the person has towards life.
Depression tells me life could not get better and existence is necessarily extremely painful.
I suffer a lot. But currently I must say there are some things I genuinely enjoy and feel thankful for. For this small time period I am glad to exist. (Sadly not on the macro level). Especially the comparison with rock bottom makes me feel thankful because I know how painful life can be and how much things I had to abstain from. There were things in the past like nasty side-effects which I were able to get rid off. There is for sure pain involved in existence. But one can still try to find meaning in living despite all of that. Sometimes the pleasure/pain relation can be improved. I think the main incident that changed my current mood was: Two weeks ago I considered to kill myself. It made me extremely depressive to plan it. I asked myself whether it is really the right time for that. I have made a lot of progress in comparison to past mental health states. For example taking the medication helped to improve my life a lot. (relatively speaking). I can still kill myself when rock bottom returns. But for now I try to focus on the positive for example the party I will soon have with my friends. And this attitude helped me to improve my mood.
So my answer is: life can be worth living from time to time
After my manias with psychotic symptoms I felt like a pervert who molests women. The shame was undescribable. However it was complete bullshit and pathological. The pain was insane but sort of irrational. Though just coming to that conclusion did not make the immense psychosomatic pain go away. The depression was connected to insane feelings of shame. Things that tortured me in an insane way with barely any way to defend myself. But this certainly was a lie. I did not molest any women. The women either ignored me or cringed a little bit because I behaved awkwardly. Some were rather concerned about my health.
Maybe it was comparable with a drunk guy who is still very calm and introverted. I did not molest anyone. But my mind tortured me with that notion over a long time period.
Self-hatred.
My depression increases self-loathing a lot. I really hate myself. However I see people here who are even hating themselves on a (way) higher level.
I think I am not such a bad guy realistically I don't deserve anything of the immense existential pain that I am going through. Even though depression can falsely induce that thought. Like there was a higher being that wants to punish me. This was one reason why being religious made my life way worse. Losing my faith completely decreased the guilty conscience for being suicidal which religions and depressions often fuel.
Which lies do your depressions tell you?
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