kvheeo
I feel too much all the time
- Apr 1, 2023
- 25
I feel like there's a strange sense of comfort in the pain and sadness, even though I wish I wasn't suffering. When I'm in a really bad state, the thoughts I have about life, myself, and whether things are worth continuing feel completely true. In that moment, I feel like there is only one logical solution, and everything else feels pointless or impossible.
Then I have periods where my mind feels clearer and I'm actually feeling okay. I can see a future again, I can imagine things getting better, and I can think that maybe I can build a life I actually enjoy. But I still remember everything I think and believe when I'm depressed.
And that's where it gets confusing for me. Even when I'm feeling okay some of those thoughts still make sense to me. I start thinking that maybe my depression isn't completely wrong about everything, and that maybe getting better will just make me forget or ignore conclusions that I consider important. It feels almost as if I let myself become happy again, then I'm somehow betraying or invalidating everything I thought and felt when I was at my lowest. It's a scary feeling.
It's almost like the pain becomes a kind of certainty. I know what it feels like, I know What I believe when I'm in it, and there's something strangely comforting about not having to question these beliefs. Getting better, on the other hand, is uncertainty. It means allowing myself to believe that maybe life can actually be different, while also knowing that the darker thoughts are still somewhere in the back of my mind.
I don't know if I'm explaining this properly, there's a lot going on, but I'm curious if anyone else experiences this, and what are your thoughts on it.
Then I have periods where my mind feels clearer and I'm actually feeling okay. I can see a future again, I can imagine things getting better, and I can think that maybe I can build a life I actually enjoy. But I still remember everything I think and believe when I'm depressed.
And that's where it gets confusing for me. Even when I'm feeling okay some of those thoughts still make sense to me. I start thinking that maybe my depression isn't completely wrong about everything, and that maybe getting better will just make me forget or ignore conclusions that I consider important. It feels almost as if I let myself become happy again, then I'm somehow betraying or invalidating everything I thought and felt when I was at my lowest. It's a scary feeling.
It's almost like the pain becomes a kind of certainty. I know what it feels like, I know What I believe when I'm in it, and there's something strangely comforting about not having to question these beliefs. Getting better, on the other hand, is uncertainty. It means allowing myself to believe that maybe life can actually be different, while also knowing that the darker thoughts are still somewhere in the back of my mind.
I don't know if I'm explaining this properly, there's a lot going on, but I'm curious if anyone else experiences this, and what are your thoughts on it.
