Goals & Thoughts

[ShiroNoKitsune]

I'd like to log my thoughts and feeling in a more public manner. Maybe try and use this as motivation.

Sometime a few days ago, I went from probably borderline manic to neutral, very suddenly. It's carried on for about four or so days. I don't really feel much of anything suddenly. Everything I'm feel, internally just feels apathetic. It's better than needing to drop what I'm doing, to sob but this is a first for me, for sure.

I don't feel over the moon or like I could do anything, just. Incredibly numb. Time keeps getting away from me and find myself suddenly plunged into night. I'm tired, but for the most part okay with this.

I find myself wanting to go back to college. I want to resume my language studies, but I'm just here, I guess.

I'd like to dream, that one day. I'll have the mental bandwidth and the money to back to college or maybe get a student visa in a foreign country. IDK.

****

In the meantime I think I'm going to maybe look at how religions view suicide, more morbid curiosity than anything. I'll post my findings here if I ever gather enough info.

 

[124afun15]

I want to take and take and take and take more

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

I want to take and take and take and take more

I'm not entirely sure what you mean by this.

I'm assuming it's a statement about consumerism? lol?

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

Update: The calm I had broke, back to deep sorrow, for me I guess.

It was nice while it lasted, I think I'm going to do some kanji study then who knows what. I've kinda lost all of my momentum.

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

Thinking about you, Arizona. The place I healed the most and evolved into the person I am today.

I miss you, maybe one day, I can come home.

Today is okay, cried a bunch. Took forever to get out of bed. I should probably eat.

**

Drove to town, Went to a reference library today on all thing Buddhism.

Spoiler: Talk of CBT

Did some reading on how they view suicide.
In a religious context it depends on who you ask.


More traditional sides of the religion say it destroys all your potential and in reincarnation this is weighed as full murder, regarding your karma.

In more modern context it's weighed much much more lightly. Still murder but it's heavily implied because most people who CBT are confused and do this from a place of pain. The karmic punishment is much lighter.

I don't have a full understanding just yet, I just wanted to share.

I'd like to do some more reading on karma and reincarnation, but I figured I'd share this.

Picture of Arizona below.
View attachment IMG_1300_cleaned(1).jpg

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

I got good news today, my friend got approved for some state aid programs. It may mean she goes on to live another few years. I was excited then, but I feel kinda numb, now.

Not much planned, other than some exercise and hygiene stuff. I should eat, but I'm not super hungry today.

More pictures from the past.

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

Someone in my circle died today. Not sure how to feel on it. I'm mostly numb, I saw it coming for days. I just, I swore they were going to recover. They swore they where too.

I don't have words for the kindness they offered me in the last two years. I want to thank them for what they offered to me, even though it never worked out. I just wish I got to see them, one more time before all of this went down.

I'll see you in the next life, hope you're no longer in pain.

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

I wonder how long it would take for someone to find me. If I parked the cars under the trees probably a good while.

Looks like this used to be some sort of logging sight. It's been cleaned recently enough it'd be a few days?

It's quiet here, if nothing else.

 

[ShiroNoKitsune]

Today was middling. I'm sick, my dog has fleas. Stuff just kinda overall sucks.

Reached out to my therapist today to have a emergency meetup. He did it pro bono which was, very kind of him. Talked about the intensity of my SI & just the sheer stress of everything that's been going on. We'll be doing check ins everyday. We're hoping to find a clinic that can help me get back on psych meds.

--

On a misc note, trying to get back into reading.