Discussion Depression as mask for anger?

[nonn_ee]

Today I destroyed a belonging of my partner's while we were arguing. I whited out in anger at a very reasonable point they were making.

And I realized... Yeah I've had that pattern of behavior before. And internalizing it, turning the anger on myself, keeps me from lashing out. That's why I discontinued one of few treatments that has ever even slightly worked - because I was losing my temper all the time. And at very reasonable things people asked of me, it's definitely not like I'm in the right.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I guess, has anyone else had this? Did you find a way out of depression vs constant anger that wasn't ctb? If so, what?

 

[homunculi]

yeah i also struggle with this. i do not let myself express anger unless i am completely alone, and even then it makes me uncomfortable. i generally suppress or turn it against myself and it just creates a sadness that eats at me from the inside. i haven't found a way to express anger in a healthy way just yet but i'm trying to figure it out. i used to go for drives through this canyon and just scream and sing a bunch of songs, and that sort of helped, but the canyon has been closed for a while due to damage from a wildfire... i think it's good to be aware of the behavior though, that's the first step.

 

[timf]

Anger, like frustration, usually occurs when something unexpected happens. Often this is amplified by suddenness. If we have unrealistic expectations, we can be frustrated by reality. As we change what we expect, we can find we get angry less frequently. One skill that is helpful is to sort of reprogram ourselves so that we insert a sort of delay when confronted with a shattered expectation.

If we can take control of ourselves long enough to get more information, we might be able to modify our response. For example, asking someone what they meant with a particular comment can help reduce misunderstanding or wrong assumptions.

 

[lastspaghetti]

I have been thinking about this too for the past few days - talked to a psychologist about the intensity of the suicidal ideation going on and she remarked that suicide is inherently a very aggressive action. I also seem to get described as angry by professionals often when the main emotion I feel is desperation and exhaustion, so either there is some weird thing going on with my presentation or there is some understanding of anger I am not getting?

I do try to let myself be angry and really feel it, I think doing it consciously makes it less destructive since it's backed by acceptance? And I need to do it before the pressure grows too high, like pretty much recognize the need way before I would normally. I also try to not view anger itself as aggression and reserve aggression to describe actions. I understand anger as energy that has no place to go in my brain or body, and that manifests as weird unhelpful shite if I don't try to guide it to a form it fits to but doesn't entirely control.
No idea how to consistently do this though. I do also back timfs point with asking what someone means, it works with anxiety for me too.

I think learning a not unhealthy way to feel anger is probably a pretty rare thing for people in many places, and that makes it even more difficult when just talking about it seems to be viewed inherently aggressive. I am from a pretty emotionally repressed culture overall though. I do lose the ability to feel anger (at least consciously) when I'm poorly enough.

I don't know if I'm making sense, it's been a long while since I had capacity to try look at these things in a constructive way. Hopefully this was at least somewhat related to what you're getting at :D