Discussion Forgiving your parents

[miles-away]

I'd say there's quite a few of us that have very real reason not to forgive our parents. But, as corny as it sounds, a part of my process to getting better has been realizing my parents aren't exactly malicious villains. I never thought they were completely evil. But I realize that they're also suffering from depression and undiagnosed ADHD/Autism like I did for so long. I feel especially bad for my mom who is in her 60s, still working and being forced to care for my 22 year old brother who's never had a job. I wish none of us were on the spectrum, or, at least got help a lot sooner.

Is there anyone else who's had this sort of realization about their parents? I guess I'm over analyzing that fact that I'm developing more nuance as I grow up. But I do feel bad for my parents and I do forgive them for my neglect as a child.

 

[never mind me]

I think it depends. I had no problem forgiving my mother for her mistakes (like always comparing me to other children who were more popular, thinner, smarter and what not), because I realized she still tried her best and just didn't reflect on the impact of her words. But I still eventually cut contact with her, because even when I was an adult she didn't respect my life choices, tried to tell me I have to have contact with and love my abusive father and made fun of me and also didn't cooperate when I applied for a program for getting money for studying (she would have needed to declare her income as the support students can get from the government depends on the parents' income).
My father I have never forgiven. Although I understand that he also had a hard life and lived through horrible circumstances (growing up during war, his family having trouble with the foreign power that later occupied the country) it doesn't justify what he did to me. As long as I take myself out of the picture I can still feel sorry for him. But that doesn't mean I forgave him. But he was actively trying his best to make my life miserable, abusing me both physically and emotionally for many years. However, when I got older and felt less damaged by what I had been put through it just didn't matter so much anymore, so I mostly stopped caring about my parents.

 

[itsgone2]

I dont hate them. I don't feel compelled to forgive.

They taught us nothing. My father died in his early 40s, drunk driving. Then my mom has been difficult, too much to explain.

My brother took his life a few years ago. I'm here. Sad. So, they were not good parents. At all. I did no better. Never learned what I didn't know.

Can't take it anymore. They ruined me. No hatred, no forgiveness.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I'd say there's quite a few of us that have very real reason not to forgive our parents. But, as corny as it sounds, a part of my process to getting better has been realizing my parents aren't exactly malicious villains. I never thought they were completely evil. But I realize that they're also suffering from depression and undiagnosed ADHD/Autism like I did for so long. I feel especially bad for my mom who is in her 60s, still working and being forced to care for my 22 year old brother who's never had a job. I wish none of us were on the spectrum, or, at least got help a lot sooner.

Is there anyone else who's had this sort of realization about their parents? I guess I'm over analyzing that fact that I'm developing more nuance as I grow up. But I do feel bad for my parents and I do forgive them for my neglect as a child.

I have forgiven my parents without forgetting the damage they did. I see all the positive choices they made. I see a mom that most likely has an intellectual disability and who was struggling with a loss of her identity due to cultural assimilation. I see a dad shaped by the Vietnam era, extreme poverty, and years of bipolar brain rot and addiction. I see parents that practiced co-sleeping, refused to use corporal punishment, let us explore religion, science and the world freely while always letting us come home when it got to be too much. It took years to get here but the payoff is that I have two strong parental relationships today. 10/10 recommend.

 

[2Sensible]

Can relate, my mom and step dad did some dirty things to me. But they're from a 3rd world country and had it probably way harder than me. but it's so hard, i feel so much grudge, even though i think they did the things they did out of ignorance and not malice or evilness

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

They are just boofhead breeders (my folks). They can't help being stupid.

 

[mmoebread]

i can relate. i believe my dad has schizophrenia paranoia and i only came to this realization after living alone for a bit. i no longer hold a grudge and i know he tried his best despite it. it's not that i forgive him exactly, but i just don't blame him as much anymore. it's just an unfortunate situation that affected both of us heavily. i've been trying to treat him better the few times i've seen him, but i still hold so much regret for not realizing sooner

 

[StarsAbove]

@miles-away
I think that is really admirable that you are able to zoom out and see the big picture. I think that shows incredible maturity to want to forgive your parents. I feel bad that I still have resentment to this day. They just didnt really try with me and showed blatant favoritism to my siblings. They were neglectful and abusive at times and It was really hard not to internalize that. I had some disturbing memories resurface that I havent really been able to process yet.

My way of coping has been to distance myself which has felt better, but I havent let go of the past entirely, or been able to not base my self worth on how I seen and treated by them. I grapple with whether I made the right choice to cut some of them off, but one of them did do somrthing that was objectively terrible, and I confronted them and gave them the opportunity to apologize in which case I would have forgiven, but instead they chose to deny it and gaslight me. I do still have a relationship with my mom as she maybe tries in her own way to be nicer now although it seems like a formality and I have to seek her out.

I accept that they are flawed people with their own abusive upbringing and that puts it into perspective, but I do not have to invest in these relationships when they never made it a point to do so with me. Everyone is on their own journey, and maybe I will reach a point where I can forgive fully. I hope your choice brings you much peace and healing

 

[I Me & Myself]

I try to care for my mother as I would for any random person on the street. If she needs help, I will help her. She is an older disabled Lady, of course I will help her carry her shopping Bags and clean the top of her cabinets.

But she's also not a great person.

My father I have never forgiven. Although I understand that he also had a hard life and lived through horrible circumstances (growing up during war, his family having trouble with the foreign power that later occupied the country) it doesn't justify what he did to me.

I feel exactly like you. Like yes there is simply no justification.

I feel that forgiving her is difficult when she has not put in an effort to change at all and still denies everything. I often crack and tell her that I love her and how I wish she could say the same. She never does.

And yet she is a human being in difficult circumstances and deserves to be treated with the barest of human dignities.

This may not go for everyone because I am mentally in a place where I CAN help her. Not everyone is, and then cutting that person off completely *is* giving them and YOURSELF dignity.

 

[timf]

My parents were alcoholics. It was perhaps easier for me to see them as victims of a world they didn't understand and couldn't control. We are all born helpless, ignorant, and selfish, even our parents. If our parents did not get much help from their parents in advancing on our common state of ignorance, we shouldn't expect too much from them.

Interestingly being able to see parents as a sort of victims themselves allows one to be free from carrying resentment through life and sort of continuing to inflict the damage on ourselves that they may have started.