Discussion Forgiving your parents

[miles-away]

I'd say there's quite a few of us that have very real reason not to forgive our parents. But, as corny as it sounds, a part of my process to getting better has been realizing my parents aren't exactly malicious villains. I never thought they were completely evil. But I realize that they're also suffering from depression and undiagnosed ADHD/Autism like I did for so long. I feel especially bad for my mom who is in her 60s, still working and being forced to care for my 22 year old brother who's never had a job. I wish none of us were on the spectrum, or, at least got help a lot sooner.

Is there anyone else who's had this sort of realization about their parents? I guess I'm over analyzing that fact that I'm developing more nuance as I grow up. But I do feel bad for my parents and I do forgive them for my neglect as a child.

 

[never mind me]

I think it depends. I had no problem forgiving my mother for her mistakes (like always comparing me to other children who were more popular, thinner, smarter and what not), because I realized she still tried her best and just didn't reflect on the impact of her words. But I still eventually cut contact with her, because even when I was an adult she didn't respect my life choices, tried to tell me I have to have contact with and love my abusive father and made fun of me and also didn't cooperate when I applied for a program for getting money for studying (she would have needed to declare her income as the support students can get from the government depends on the parents' income).
My father I have never forgiven. Although I understand that he also had a hard life and lived through horrible circumstances (growing up during war, his family having trouble with the foreign power that later occupied the country) it doesn't justify what he did to me. As long as I take myself out of the picture I can still feel sorry for him. But that doesn't mean I forgave him. But he was actively trying his best to make my life miserable, abusing me both physically and emotionally for many years. However, when I got older and felt less damaged by what I had been put through it just didn't matter so much anymore, so I mostly stopped caring about my parents.

 

[itsgone2]

I dont hate them. I don't feel compelled to forgive.

They taught us nothing. My father died in his early 40s, drunk driving. Then my mom has been difficult, too much to explain.

My brother took his life a few years ago. I'm here. Sad. So, they were not good parents. At all. I did no better. Never learned what I didn't know.

Can't take it anymore. They ruined me. No hatred, no forgiveness.

 

[SchizoPolyGymnast]

I'd say there's quite a few of us that have very real reason not to forgive our parents. But, as corny as it sounds, a part of my process to getting better has been realizing my parents aren't exactly malicious villains. I never thought they were completely evil. But I realize that they're also suffering from depression and undiagnosed ADHD/Autism like I did for so long. I feel especially bad for my mom who is in her 60s, still working and being forced to care for my 22 year old brother who's never had a job. I wish none of us were on the spectrum, or, at least got help a lot sooner.

Is there anyone else who's had this sort of realization about their parents? I guess I'm over analyzing that fact that I'm developing more nuance as I grow up. But I do feel bad for my parents and I do forgive them for my neglect as a child.

I have forgiven my parents without forgetting the damage they did. I see all the positive choices they made. I see a mom that most likely has an intellectual disability and who was struggling with a loss of her identity due to cultural assimilation. I see a dad shaped by the Vietnam era, extreme poverty, and years of bipolar brain rot and addiction. I see parents that practiced co-sleeping, refused to use corporal punishment, let us explore religion, science and the world freely while always letting us come home when it got to be too much. It took years to get here but the payoff is that I have two strong parental relationships today. 10/10 recommend.