GWAI
̶S̶a̶s̶u̶k̶e̶c̶e̶l̶
- Aug 31, 2026
- 23
I guess I'm writing this to explain my situation I guess. Like why I'm suicidal. I have no friends or anything.
This will probably be messy.
When I was younger, I was consumed by forums, manosphere, forums when I was a teenager. That was the point I stopped being a normal kid, or the point my life stopped being normal when I think back. I'm 20 rn.
At 17, I was doxxed. Cyberbullied. The videos cyberbullying me were removed. That situation messed with my mental health.
At 18, my biggest life mistake was leaving a top university. Because while I was using forums, I don't advocate for any of those toxic ideologies, but I was studying and got a good GPA. So I got into a good University. The doxxing situation messed with my mental health, and I dropped out.
After I dropped out, I lost my identity, because I literally burned my goal. From a societal lense, it was completely idiotic. I'm in the west, I'm in a top University, then I just drop out. Because my mental health was fucked. so I lost that.
Then I worked shitty jobs. 12 hour shifts. I made money, but I lost it all because of my uncle who molested me during that time.
In my life I had 2 peaks where shit could have turned out different. The first was when I was at that top University. Then I dropped out so it became useless.
The second is while I was working those garbage jobs, I started working on a side hustle/business model. My family was toxic, didn't really support me, but it was too an extreme level. My uncle would mock me, I got 2 shitty uncles, this uncle was the non abuser uncle, he would just mock me and the business model I did. To an extreme level. After I was dealing with the doxxing situation.
This is where I thought my life was going to change. After a few months, I made progress in the business model. It's not a lot, but it was a $7k revenue month. So I quit the job thinking, I'm living at home, I made $7k month with this business model, I'm going to go all in, and my life will be good.
If that was the case, I wouldn't be on this forum. 4-5 Months ago, my mother left to go on vacation, she had my abuser uncle monitor me and my sibling. My abuser uncle molested me, and it fucking broke my brain. He touched me, like fucked up shit. He exposed his genitalia to my face.
So that happened, my uncle molested me and it broke my brain. I reported my uncle, to protect my brother. But before I did that, I left because I thought that was the right thing to do.
When I moved out around 5 months ago, I had around $10k in savings. Where's that money now, Gone. And I moved to a cheap place.
At first it was actually going good. 500 to 700 revenue days, like 3k revenue in a week. I didn't want to move out. But I locked myself out metaphorically. Like I left because my uncle molested me, and I had an ex business partner at the time who wanted me to leave because he wanted to control me more. My life is a whole fuckshow, not literally, I'm a fucking virgin, but I mean like it's always been fucked up. There's too much context to explain everything.
I did the second stupidest decision in my life thats after dropping out of a top university. I was desperate working a shit job while doing this business model, so I took the risk and quit the job. Which was the stupidest fucking idea, ever. Why? Because I have no friends. My family is toxic. My family divorced. Didn't see my dad in years, didn't see my mom in months. I was never close to anyone, so I have no friends and no family. I underestimated that risk because I was a dumbass and put too much merit on "hard work" which is dumb. Having no fallback, it was dumb taking gambles because if I go homeless, I truly am fucked. That was the first time I experienced true fear, because I was surviving off intuition.
Because I have no family or friends I can rely on, in a literal sense.
That's not the worst of my problems. There's a risk of homelessness and there's a risk of jail. The business I was working on blew up in my face. As in, desperation made me do things which were unethical to make money. I'm not going to elaborate more on that; but the isolation makes me lose my mind. I genuinely have no friends and no family members I talk to. I sometimes tweak out, start laughing randomly. Because I fear homelessness and I fear jail, and the shame is amplified, because my non-molester uncle mocked me when I first started, and because I'm a fucking failure University dropout.
My mindset is the day I die will be the day I'm free, because I don't believe in an afterlife, I believe when I die it's nothingness and it's a removal of pain. I'm scared of dying, but I want death. Because it's like when you're playing a video game, then you just make all the wrong decisions. But there's no reset safe.
I've been getting more paranoid and I'm weird as fuck. I use AI a lot (because I have no fucking friends or family), and I was just talking to ai, and to cope basically I was watching prison videos. Like experiences of what people do when they go to prison. And before that, my fear is homelessness, so I would watch youtube videos of homeless people.
I have severe depression and it's hard for me to do anything. I've been applying for jobs. I'm kinda pissed that the job I recently got duped me. I did their whole training process but no shift. And that wasted my fucking time, so now I have to apply for more.
I'm not a chick but I kind of feel like Saki Yoshida in a sense. It's dumb how one day you're an 18 year old at a top university, then 2 years later, im a near homeless guy whos paranoid of going to jail. I'm annoyed that this is the situation you would turn to your parents for help, but my mom went overseas with my siblings, and my brother contacted a sickness. So my mom can't help, and I didn't see my dad in years, so my dad can't help. So essentially I'm just fucked.
It's cringe as fuck, but 2 things that "motivate" me I guess are Erwin's Suicide Charge, and Gojo Vs Sukuna (through the pov of Gojo losing). The reason it motivates me is cuz the guy fights a battle he knows he's gonna lose and die in the end. It actually motivates me they lost, because sometimes you work hard and just get fucked.
To sum it up I guess, the reason I wanna die, is I'm 20 and my life is already fucked because online business blew up and I'm not going to elaborate further on that (I did a whoopsie that was against the law so it's not an irrational fear, I genuinely am fucked, my fate might end in a jail cell), I was at a top uni and lost it, I have no friends or family, all I know is isolation, and I'm surviving by myself for the past months.
This feels like hell. Or like that fucked up alternate timeline that's not supposed to happen. It feels like God laughing in my face, because it's like everything I did just failed badly.
I started an online business, and it ended up fucking me financially. Lost the money and got fucked. I studied hard in school, because my first plan was to go to a good Uni and get a good job. So I get into a Uni, then some dickhead doxxess me, and my mental health suffers and I lose that pathway. When I was younger, I was like I'm not going to make friends and that was dumb cuz now I have no one to fall back on.
Atp I'm just yapping, my life sucks so yea.
This will probably be messy.
When I was younger, I was consumed by forums, manosphere, forums when I was a teenager. That was the point I stopped being a normal kid, or the point my life stopped being normal when I think back. I'm 20 rn.
At 17, I was doxxed. Cyberbullied. The videos cyberbullying me were removed. That situation messed with my mental health.
At 18, my biggest life mistake was leaving a top university. Because while I was using forums, I don't advocate for any of those toxic ideologies, but I was studying and got a good GPA. So I got into a good University. The doxxing situation messed with my mental health, and I dropped out.
After I dropped out, I lost my identity, because I literally burned my goal. From a societal lense, it was completely idiotic. I'm in the west, I'm in a top University, then I just drop out. Because my mental health was fucked. so I lost that.
Then I worked shitty jobs. 12 hour shifts. I made money, but I lost it all because of my uncle who molested me during that time.
In my life I had 2 peaks where shit could have turned out different. The first was when I was at that top University. Then I dropped out so it became useless.
The second is while I was working those garbage jobs, I started working on a side hustle/business model. My family was toxic, didn't really support me, but it was too an extreme level. My uncle would mock me, I got 2 shitty uncles, this uncle was the non abuser uncle, he would just mock me and the business model I did. To an extreme level. After I was dealing with the doxxing situation.
This is where I thought my life was going to change. After a few months, I made progress in the business model. It's not a lot, but it was a $7k revenue month. So I quit the job thinking, I'm living at home, I made $7k month with this business model, I'm going to go all in, and my life will be good.
If that was the case, I wouldn't be on this forum. 4-5 Months ago, my mother left to go on vacation, she had my abuser uncle monitor me and my sibling. My abuser uncle molested me, and it fucking broke my brain. He touched me, like fucked up shit. He exposed his genitalia to my face.
So that happened, my uncle molested me and it broke my brain. I reported my uncle, to protect my brother. But before I did that, I left because I thought that was the right thing to do.
When I moved out around 5 months ago, I had around $10k in savings. Where's that money now, Gone. And I moved to a cheap place.
At first it was actually going good. 500 to 700 revenue days, like 3k revenue in a week. I didn't want to move out. But I locked myself out metaphorically. Like I left because my uncle molested me, and I had an ex business partner at the time who wanted me to leave because he wanted to control me more. My life is a whole fuckshow, not literally, I'm a fucking virgin, but I mean like it's always been fucked up. There's too much context to explain everything.
I did the second stupidest decision in my life thats after dropping out of a top university. I was desperate working a shit job while doing this business model, so I took the risk and quit the job. Which was the stupidest fucking idea, ever. Why? Because I have no friends. My family is toxic. My family divorced. Didn't see my dad in years, didn't see my mom in months. I was never close to anyone, so I have no friends and no family. I underestimated that risk because I was a dumbass and put too much merit on "hard work" which is dumb. Having no fallback, it was dumb taking gambles because if I go homeless, I truly am fucked. That was the first time I experienced true fear, because I was surviving off intuition.
Because I have no family or friends I can rely on, in a literal sense.
That's not the worst of my problems. There's a risk of homelessness and there's a risk of jail. The business I was working on blew up in my face. As in, desperation made me do things which were unethical to make money. I'm not going to elaborate more on that; but the isolation makes me lose my mind. I genuinely have no friends and no family members I talk to. I sometimes tweak out, start laughing randomly. Because I fear homelessness and I fear jail, and the shame is amplified, because my non-molester uncle mocked me when I first started, and because I'm a fucking failure University dropout.
My mindset is the day I die will be the day I'm free, because I don't believe in an afterlife, I believe when I die it's nothingness and it's a removal of pain. I'm scared of dying, but I want death. Because it's like when you're playing a video game, then you just make all the wrong decisions. But there's no reset safe.
I've been getting more paranoid and I'm weird as fuck. I use AI a lot (because I have no fucking friends or family), and I was just talking to ai, and to cope basically I was watching prison videos. Like experiences of what people do when they go to prison. And before that, my fear is homelessness, so I would watch youtube videos of homeless people.
I have severe depression and it's hard for me to do anything. I've been applying for jobs. I'm kinda pissed that the job I recently got duped me. I did their whole training process but no shift. And that wasted my fucking time, so now I have to apply for more.
I'm not a chick but I kind of feel like Saki Yoshida in a sense. It's dumb how one day you're an 18 year old at a top university, then 2 years later, im a near homeless guy whos paranoid of going to jail. I'm annoyed that this is the situation you would turn to your parents for help, but my mom went overseas with my siblings, and my brother contacted a sickness. So my mom can't help, and I didn't see my dad in years, so my dad can't help. So essentially I'm just fucked.
It's cringe as fuck, but 2 things that "motivate" me I guess are Erwin's Suicide Charge, and Gojo Vs Sukuna (through the pov of Gojo losing). The reason it motivates me is cuz the guy fights a battle he knows he's gonna lose and die in the end. It actually motivates me they lost, because sometimes you work hard and just get fucked.
To sum it up I guess, the reason I wanna die, is I'm 20 and my life is already fucked because online business blew up and I'm not going to elaborate further on that (I did a whoopsie that was against the law so it's not an irrational fear, I genuinely am fucked, my fate might end in a jail cell), I was at a top uni and lost it, I have no friends or family, all I know is isolation, and I'm surviving by myself for the past months.
This feels like hell. Or like that fucked up alternate timeline that's not supposed to happen. It feels like God laughing in my face, because it's like everything I did just failed badly.
I started an online business, and it ended up fucking me financially. Lost the money and got fucked. I studied hard in school, because my first plan was to go to a good Uni and get a good job. So I get into a Uni, then some dickhead doxxess me, and my mental health suffers and I lose that pathway. When I was younger, I was like I'm not going to make friends and that was dumb cuz now I have no one to fall back on.
Atp I'm just yapping, my life sucks so yea.
