That's Not Me
A cork on the ocean floating over the raging sea
- Sep 14, 2022
- 46
This is my first post in the recovery session, hopefully the first of many. This forum is the place I come to organize my thoughts, and it's about time I started writing in this session. This is the only place in the world where I can speak my mind and thoughts. I am immensely grateful for all the kind people who supported me when I needed it. Like most of my other ventings, it may not be super interesting to read, but I need to write.
A month ago I wrote here about everything I was going through. I really decided to give life another chance. I know that suicide is my destiny, but I think I can avoid the inevitable for a little longer. For how long? Maybe six months, maybe a year and six months, or even six years. Who knows? It will all depend on how things will go this year. It is quite likely that when I actually get back in touch with real life I will realize that I am not made for life, so maybe the way to go is not to get back in touch with life at all.
This year I will have several obstacles to this new attempt at living. Considering my not very high will to improve (at best a 6/10), this may become a problem. The first of these is that I cannot go to any therapy. This new chance that I am giving life is based on the fact that I can simply go back whenever I want. If I visit a therapist I will have to tell the truth, because I see no point in lying to a therapist, and that would end my chances of going back. I don't think at this point I will be hospitalized, but the therapist would probably talk to my parents and any chance of me ctb with the same techniques as before would be ruined. One alternative I find to this would be to buy a webcam and microphone to make a sort of video log to organize my head. It would basically have the same function as a therapist. Another obstacle is medication. I stopped taking meds last year as I thought it would give me the willpower I was lacking for ctb. I informed my psychiatrist only last week that I "will" stop taking medication. She understood my points and agreed with my decision. I am not going back on meds for different reasons, of course. If this year I am really going to dedicate myself to my studies in order to pass into a university, I need to get into it fully, and the drugs kill my logical thinking (I wonder to what extent they have interfered with my development) and impulsiveness, preventing me from studying energetically. There are also deeper reasons like the possibility that I skipped some phases of my adolescence by maturing too early, and this may be the root of much of my suffering. I skipped the phases from impulsive teenager looking for sex straight to rationalism. Anyway, these deeper and more complex issues have less weight in my decision not to go back on medication. I stopped taking medications for one reason and have not returned for others. These are more immediate needs, although they have been given a lot of thought and are not impulsive at all. This February I remembered the reasons that made me start taking medication in the first place: the almost invincible desire to stay in bed all day and to engage in self-destructive behavior. One solution I have thought of for this is to go back to the gym. I would like to visit some doctors before that, but every time I start looking I give up. I don't really know where to start. Another obstacle that will possibly show me that my ctb destiny maybe can't be delayed much is my complete loneliness. I am completely alone here. I am alone not only because everyone has given up on me, but also because my problems are not shareable. They are afflictions and anguish that only I can solve. Not only because the mindsets of the people around me make it impossible for them to care about anything but themselves, but also because of my inability to share what is going on with me. I have dealt with this very well in the past year, but I don't know how I will deal with it without medication and therapy. Of course I understand that this is a trap and I am willing to risk myself in this situation, but it makes me deeply afraid. One more obstacle that I will have to face is the fact that this year I will have to take a much inferior preparatory course than last year, which will demand much more of me individually. All these obstacles and traps that I set for myself over the past year make me leave the same race as last year dozens of meters behind the previous year. This might not be a problem if my will to make it all work was enormous, but as I said before, this is not the case.
I am thinking of starting a YouTube channel to keep active and talk about whatever nonsense I think of or finally learn to play the piano, but I don't have the energy to do what I need to do so I doubt I will have the energy for anything else. I should have researched and applied for some online preparation course by now, but March has already started and all I've done is procrastinate. I feel guilty, incapable and I've even started to lose hair in the last few months (possibly because I stopped taking medicine) so I also feel ugly lol. I feel that this life onslaught will be over soon, but it's too late to not even try. At least I still have the Beach Boys music to calm me down and the disposable videos on YouTube to distract me from real life. If you have read this far, congratulations and thank you very much! Here's your humble prize 🍪.
Peace in your heart ❤❤
A month ago I wrote here about everything I was going through. I really decided to give life another chance. I know that suicide is my destiny, but I think I can avoid the inevitable for a little longer. For how long? Maybe six months, maybe a year and six months, or even six years. Who knows? It will all depend on how things will go this year. It is quite likely that when I actually get back in touch with real life I will realize that I am not made for life, so maybe the way to go is not to get back in touch with life at all.
This year I will have several obstacles to this new attempt at living. Considering my not very high will to improve (at best a 6/10), this may become a problem. The first of these is that I cannot go to any therapy. This new chance that I am giving life is based on the fact that I can simply go back whenever I want. If I visit a therapist I will have to tell the truth, because I see no point in lying to a therapist, and that would end my chances of going back. I don't think at this point I will be hospitalized, but the therapist would probably talk to my parents and any chance of me ctb with the same techniques as before would be ruined. One alternative I find to this would be to buy a webcam and microphone to make a sort of video log to organize my head. It would basically have the same function as a therapist. Another obstacle is medication. I stopped taking meds last year as I thought it would give me the willpower I was lacking for ctb. I informed my psychiatrist only last week that I "will" stop taking medication. She understood my points and agreed with my decision. I am not going back on meds for different reasons, of course. If this year I am really going to dedicate myself to my studies in order to pass into a university, I need to get into it fully, and the drugs kill my logical thinking (I wonder to what extent they have interfered with my development) and impulsiveness, preventing me from studying energetically. There are also deeper reasons like the possibility that I skipped some phases of my adolescence by maturing too early, and this may be the root of much of my suffering. I skipped the phases from impulsive teenager looking for sex straight to rationalism. Anyway, these deeper and more complex issues have less weight in my decision not to go back on medication. I stopped taking medications for one reason and have not returned for others. These are more immediate needs, although they have been given a lot of thought and are not impulsive at all. This February I remembered the reasons that made me start taking medication in the first place: the almost invincible desire to stay in bed all day and to engage in self-destructive behavior. One solution I have thought of for this is to go back to the gym. I would like to visit some doctors before that, but every time I start looking I give up. I don't really know where to start. Another obstacle that will possibly show me that my ctb destiny maybe can't be delayed much is my complete loneliness. I am completely alone here. I am alone not only because everyone has given up on me, but also because my problems are not shareable. They are afflictions and anguish that only I can solve. Not only because the mindsets of the people around me make it impossible for them to care about anything but themselves, but also because of my inability to share what is going on with me. I have dealt with this very well in the past year, but I don't know how I will deal with it without medication and therapy. Of course I understand that this is a trap and I am willing to risk myself in this situation, but it makes me deeply afraid. One more obstacle that I will have to face is the fact that this year I will have to take a much inferior preparatory course than last year, which will demand much more of me individually. All these obstacles and traps that I set for myself over the past year make me leave the same race as last year dozens of meters behind the previous year. This might not be a problem if my will to make it all work was enormous, but as I said before, this is not the case.
I am thinking of starting a YouTube channel to keep active and talk about whatever nonsense I think of or finally learn to play the piano, but I don't have the energy to do what I need to do so I doubt I will have the energy for anything else. I should have researched and applied for some online preparation course by now, but March has already started and all I've done is procrastinate. I feel guilty, incapable and I've even started to lose hair in the last few months (possibly because I stopped taking medicine) so I also feel ugly lol. I feel that this life onslaught will be over soon, but it's too late to not even try. At least I still have the Beach Boys music to calm me down and the disposable videos on YouTube to distract me from real life. If you have read this far, congratulations and thank you very much! Here's your humble prize 🍪.
Peace in your heart ❤❤
