StarryEyed
PMs aren't my thing
- Mar 14, 2024
- 375
I've been suicidal for over 30 years. Often it's just getting through the moment that has gotten me to now. At most I've frequently made a deal with myself to make a 'deadline', after which if I still felt suicidal I promised myself I would do it. Spoiler alert: I kept going. 
Twice I have had the opportunity to die naturally by refusing medical care - once in 2012 when I was diagnosed to be in thyroid storm from an autoimmune disorder called Graves disease (a fitting term), and the other in 2014 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I almost always have regretted not having accepted the opportunity to leave this world. I just keep chickening out to check out either by natural causes or by suicide.
My health is abysmal due to a lifetime of horrific childhood trauma, then psychiatric trauma, then medical trauma. Three years ago, my feet gave out on me due to peripheral neuropathy so I can't walk, and in the past few months the symptoms have progressed up to my knees. I tried to get euthanised last year but don't quite meet the criteria yet. But I found out last year that serious childhood trauma (which I had) can knock 20 years off your life. Given my other health problems on top of the childhood trauma, 20 years is a long shot. I'm 62, so with an end date that should be around 85, it's now cut to 65, so I only have 3 years to go. So my wish has finally come true. Now I'm looking at 3 years instead of 23 and I will die by natural causes so I don't have to commit suicide for this to happen. I am sooooo very relieved and starting to become even joyful at my reduced 'life sentence'. My guess is a lot of you here might relate to this being good news.
But three years is still a very long time for me. So my brother (and best friend
) and I were talking about how it's finally starting to sink in. I compared this situation to when I would get suicidal and only focus on immediately important things and forget the rest, and how that is what helped me get through. He said I should do a bucket list for the next three years. I said first I want to do a list of all the things I DON'T have to do, like when I am suicidal and imagine not being here. He came up with the term the Fuck It Bucket. I looked it up, and sure enough - as there is no original thought - the term is out there already.
So I started my Fuck It Bucket, beginning with writing a list. Thanks to my experience with suicidal thoughts, I've got practice.
Of course death throws everything and everyone including yourself into the Fuck It Bucket. The philosophy behind this is to throw in the bucket all the things you don't have to worry about, so that you can free up energy and time for things that really matter. Maybe you'd also like to do a Fuck It Bucket? Any thoughts?
Twice I have had the opportunity to die naturally by refusing medical care - once in 2012 when I was diagnosed to be in thyroid storm from an autoimmune disorder called Graves disease (a fitting term), and the other in 2014 when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I almost always have regretted not having accepted the opportunity to leave this world. I just keep chickening out to check out either by natural causes or by suicide.My health is abysmal due to a lifetime of horrific childhood trauma, then psychiatric trauma, then medical trauma. Three years ago, my feet gave out on me due to peripheral neuropathy so I can't walk, and in the past few months the symptoms have progressed up to my knees. I tried to get euthanised last year but don't quite meet the criteria yet. But I found out last year that serious childhood trauma (which I had) can knock 20 years off your life. Given my other health problems on top of the childhood trauma, 20 years is a long shot. I'm 62, so with an end date that should be around 85, it's now cut to 65, so I only have 3 years to go. So my wish has finally come true. Now I'm looking at 3 years instead of 23 and I will die by natural causes so I don't have to commit suicide for this to happen. I am sooooo very relieved and starting to become even joyful at my reduced 'life sentence'.
My guess is a lot of you here might relate to this being good news. But three years is still a very long time for me. So my brother (and best friend
) and I were talking about how it's finally starting to sink in. I compared this situation to when I would get suicidal and only focus on immediately important things and forget the rest, and how that is what helped me get through. He said I should do a bucket list for the next three years. I said first I want to do a list of all the things I DON'T have to do, like when I am suicidal and imagine not being here. He came up with the term the Fuck It Bucket. I looked it up, and sure enough - as there is no original thought - the term is out there already.So I started my Fuck It Bucket, beginning with writing a list. Thanks to my experience with suicidal thoughts, I've got practice.
Of course death throws everything and everyone including yourself into the Fuck It Bucket. The philosophy behind this is to throw in the bucket all the things you don't have to worry about, so that you can free up energy and time for things that really matter. Maybe you'd also like to do a Fuck It Bucket? Any thoughts?
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