Venting Just venting (probably not interesting to anyone else)

[That's Not Me]

This is just another venting like so many others on this forum. I just need to organize my thoughts and have nowhere better. Probably not interesting enough to read.

I feel lost. I am not in control of my life or my future. I wish my sister hadn't come to spend Christmas with us. Maybe then I would already have ctb. I know that when I do this, my parents' lives will be in her power, and that scares me. The chance of her killing my parents is not small. I believe her pain is real, as I have been in pretty much the same place, but it makes me angry to think that she may not be able to put her deep selfishness and self-centeredness aside to support my parents when I leave. Things were supposed to be different. The holidays were supposed to be happy days. We were supposed to have eaten a turkey for my farewell. I want my parents' memories to be of good last moments with me. She had to make everything about her. She feeds on fights. She loves fights. Why does she have to be so influenceable? Aren't the several times she has regretted trusting someone enough for her to try to listen to my parents at least once? To be honest, she will probably never understand that socializing with other people, just like love, means making concessions and that perfect people don't exist. She may never understand what love is, especially if she keeps looking for stupid sycophants to relate to and live with. I won't say anything of what I think to her because I believe that external attempts at change are in vain and get in the way of internal change, but at some point she has to stop being a parasite, and I can only hope that it happens when I ctb. I don't like to think about her problems, since all the time I've ever been hearing about my sister was unsolicited, it was always forcefully pushed on me, but it's not like I have any choice now. Of all the times I've seen my mother cry in the last year, all have been caused or influenced by my sister. I don't want to say this, but she is the anchor of this family. Will my leaving help her to finally stop being a blind and ungrateful self-centered Karen teenager, or will it be the beginning of the end for my parents? They will depend on it. I don't like that I have to think about it. To what extent can I not follow my destiny, whatever it is, to take care of my parents and prevent them from having the same destiny as me? Maybe her being like this will help my parents to have some purpose in life after I ctb, but I don't know if that is likely. My parents might bear some responsibility for her personality being broken. She treats my mother in a very similar way to how my mother treated my grandmother a few years ago. What references would she have? Of course, I can't blame my mother because I don't know her, I don't know her history with my grandmother, but I do know my sister and I know that the troubles my sister blames on my mother are made up in her head, from a delusional person who expects perfection from others without demanding the same from herself. Also, if I could, being proportionally much younger than her, seek other perspectives and be understanding to those who try to do the same to me, she has no excuses for not doing the same. What annoys me the most is that, a few months ago, for the first time in a long time I allowed myself to be the protagonist of my own life to put my plans into practice, and she seems to be determined to be the protagonist in other people's lives. She seems to be sure that she is the only one allowed to suffer. What about my suffering? What about my parents'? I still need to update my farewell note, since the vision I had of her before was less tragic. If she hadn't been here, maybe I wouldn't be thinking about all this.
This month I had moments of optimism. For the first time I started to think about how things might be if I don't ctb, but I still think I want that. I love my parents very much and wish there was a way for me not to hurt them, but there isn't. I think keeping my plans private is a tender way of giving back the secrets they keep to protect me, even if it's a fraction of that. I've heard a few times that I shouldn't do that if I have something I love, but I think that's utter nonsense. Can a person only ctb if he has already lost everything? That's bullshit. Since I started getting worse I have hardly cried at all. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain (although that's been a little more common in the last few months), the decision to ctb is a rational and analytical decision resulting from me realizing that I'm not made for life and that I should do it while I have no real responsibilities (if I realized this old and with kids I couldn't ctb and would be a bitter person till death instead of a lost person till death). The only time I have cried in this whole time is when I realized that I could not / would not be able to tell my dad how much I love him and how he is the most important person in my life. I wish I could be less closed off, but it's too late. I feel like I have lost control of my future. If I ctb, the situation is less propitious than before. If I quit, I'll raise a hell. Things are no longer as much under my control as they used to be. If I ctb, the situation will probably involve more improvisation. I don't spend my day planning. My days consist of consuming trashy content on the internet and listening to the same Beach Boys albums over and over and over and over again. This brings me comfort, but leaves me feeling guilty for being a parasite not much different from my sister.
I guess that's it for now. I feel lighter. If I want to add anything in the next few days I will probably use this post instead of creating a new one. If you noticed many grammatical mistakes it is because I used a translator. It's a lot of text to translate, but again, this is not necessarily meant to be read and I warned you about it in the beginning.

Peace in the hearts of those who read it :)

 

[Gaga786]

This is just another venting like so many others on this forum. I just need to organize my thoughts and have nowhere better. Probably not interesting enough to read.

I feel lost. I am not in control of my life or my future. I wish my sister hadn't come to spend Christmas with us. Maybe then I would already have ctb. I know that when I do this, my parents' lives will be in her power, and that scares me. The chance of her killing my parents is not small. I believe her pain is real, as I have been in pretty much the same place, but it makes me angry to think that she may not be able to put her deep selfishness and self-centeredness aside to support my parents when I leave. Things were supposed to be different. The holidays were supposed to be happy days. We were supposed to have eaten a turkey for my farewell. I want my parents' memories to be of good last moments with me. She had to make everything about her. She feeds on fights. She loves fights. Why does she have to be so influenceable? Aren't the several times she has regretted trusting someone enough for her to try to listen to my parents at least once? To be honest, she will probably never understand that socializing with other people, just like love, means making concessions and that perfect people don't exist. She may never understand what love is, especially if she keeps looking for stupid sycophants to relate to and live with. I won't say anything of what I think to her because I believe that external attempts at change are in vain and get in the way of internal change, but at some point she has to stop being a parasite, and I can only hope that it happens when I ctb. I don't like to think about her problems, since all the time I've ever been hearing about my sister was unsolicited, it was always forcefully pushed on me, but it's not like I have any choice now. Of all the times I've seen my mother cry in the last year, all have been caused or influenced by my sister. I don't want to say this, but she is the anchor of this family. Will my leaving help her to finally stop being a blind and ungrateful self-centered Karen teenager, or will it be the beginning of the end for my parents? They will depend on it. I don't like that I have to think about it. To what extent can I not follow my destiny, whatever it is, to take care of my parents and prevent them from having the same destiny as me? Maybe her being like this will help my parents to have some purpose in life after I ctb, but I don't know if that is likely. My parents might bear some responsibility for her personality being broken. She treats my mother in a very similar way to how my mother treated my grandmother a few years ago. What references would she have? Of course, I can't blame my mother because I don't know her, I don't know her history with my grandmother, but I do know my sister and I know that the troubles my sister blames on my mother are made up in her head, from a delusional person who expects perfection from others without demanding the same from herself. Also, if I could, being proportionally much younger than her, seek other perspectives and be understanding to those who try to do the same to me, she has no excuses for not doing the same. What annoys me the most is that, a few months ago, for the first time in a long time I allowed myself to be the protagonist of my own life to put my plans into practice, and she seems to be determined to be the protagonist in other people's lives. She seems to be sure that she is the only one allowed to suffer. What about my suffering? What about my parents'? I still need to update my farewell note, since the vision I had of her before was less tragic. If she hadn't been here, maybe I wouldn't be thinking about all this.
This month I had moments of optimism. For the first time I started to think about how things might be if I don't ctb, but I still think I want that. I love my parents very much and wish there was a way for me not to hurt them, but there isn't. I think keeping my plans private is a tender way of giving back the secrets they keep to protect me, even if it's a fraction of that. I've heard a few times that I shouldn't do that if I have something I love, but I think that's utter nonsense. Can a person only ctb if he has already lost everything? That's bullshit. Since I started getting worse I have hardly cried at all. It's not like I'm in a lot of pain (although that's been a little more common in the last few months), the decision to ctb is a rational and analytical decision resulting from me realizing that I'm not made for life and that I should do it while I have no real responsibilities (if I realized this old and with kids I couldn't ctb and would be a bitter person till death instead of a lost person till death). The only time I have cried in this whole time is when I realized that I could not / would not be able to tell my dad how much I love him and how he is the most important person in my life. I wish I could be less closed off, but it's too late. I feel like I have lost control of my future. If I ctb, the situation is less propitious than before. If I quit, I'll raise a hell. Things are no longer as much under my control as they used to be. If I ctb, the situation will probably involve more improvisation. I don't spend my day planning. My days consist of consuming trashy content on the internet and listening to the same Beach Boys albums over and over and over and over again. This brings me comfort, but leaves me feeling guilty for being a parasite not much different from my sister.
I guess that's it for now. I feel lighter. If I want to add anything in the next few days I will probably use this post instead of creating a new one. If you noticed many grammatical mistakes it is because I used a translator. It's a lot of text to translate, but again, this is not necessarily meant to be read and I warned you about it in the beginning.

Peace in the hearts of those who read it :)

I'm glad that you feel lighter. Wishing you the best. Take care!

 

[Kualk]

I'm extremely sorry you have had to live like that so far.
Those types of people can't be saved or helped, they must make everything about themselves. The world revolves around them and they make sure you know it time and time again. The more people around them the worse they act, family gatherings become a nightmare, friend outings are close to torture. You could suffer from a terribly painfull chronic disease and they still would preach to you that they are the real victim of the situation because they have to watch you suffer.
The funny thing about those types of people is that with age they become very miserable and lonely. Human connections are born not only because we all need someone to take care of us but also because we want to help others and we want others to depend on us when they really need it, altruism is a basic human need after all. No sane person wants to connect with someone how does not listen to them or can't follow a conversation if they themselves are not the topic. While people like your sister can have friends, the relationship they share is temporary at best and fake at worst. These people don't understand what altruism is until they start to get really lonely. Your sister will eventually start treating your family far better once they are alone and re-evaluate themselves.
In the meantime keep doing what makes you happy, repetition is comfortable and there is nothing wrong with that.
Hoping that in the future you find peace and happiness one way or the other.

 

[That's Not Me]

Lamento muito que você tenha vivido assim até agora.
Esses tipos de pessoas não podem ser salvos ou ajudados, eles devem fazer tudo sobre si mesmos. O mundo gira em torno deles e eles garantem que você saiba disso várias vezes. Quanto mais pessoas ao seu redor, pior eles agem, as reuniões familiares se tornam um pesadelo, as saídas de amigos são quase uma tortura. Você poderia sofrer de uma doença crônica terrivelmente dolorosa e eles ainda iriam pregar para você que eles são a verdadeira vítima da situação porque eles têm que ver você sofrer.
O engraçado sobre esse tipo de pessoa é que com a idade elas se tornam muito infelizes e solitárias. As conexões humanas nascem não só porque todos precisamos de alguém que cuide de nós, mas também porque queremos ajudar os outros e queremos que os outros dependam de nós quando realmente precisam, afinal o altruísmo é uma necessidade humana básica. Nenhuma pessoa sã deseja se conectar com alguém que não os ouve ou não consegue acompanhar uma conversa se eles próprios não forem o assunto. Embora pessoas como sua irmã possam ter amigos, o relacionamento que compartilham é temporário, na melhor das hipóteses, e falso, na pior. Essas pessoas não entendem o que é altruísmo até começarem a ficar realmente solitárias. Sua irmã acabará por começar a tratar sua família muito melhor quando eles estiverem sozinhos e se reavaliarem.
Enquanto isso, continue fazendo o que te faz feliz, a repetição é confortável e não há nada de errado nisso.
Esperando que no futuro você encontre paz e felicidade de uma forma ou de outra.

Thank you for the kind words. There is no need to be sorry. My problems are only superficial. The pain of being lost and having to live with hysterical people is nothing compared to the pain of other members of this forum.
I don't like to be too hard to my sister. When I was about 14 I was in a place very similar to where she is today and I know that people CAN change if they want to and if they realize they are in a mess. Of course, because she is much older than that, I wonder if she WILL. Most people will spend their whole lives being teenagers, always looking for new groups and tribes to fit into to artificially and fragilely fill the empty void we all feel, in an eternal high school. Perhaps with the exception of old age, when they look back and wish they had done things differently, most of these people are not bothered by it. I won't go into whether their happiness is genuine (the other day I found out that a significant amount of people don't even have a "voice of conscience," so I don't doubt that people really enjoy this lifestyle), but it seems to me a pretty depressing way to live. What is the point in constantly trying to hide in the crowd? These people are also inconsistent and inconstant. They want to be part of a social tribe, so they suppress their individuality and leave their ego aside to take on personalities that fit better with the group of people, but for those social tribes that they have no interest in (often the family), they raise their ego and ignore the existence of other human beings, forgetting that coexistence is formed by understanding and comprehension. Of course, all people change a little the way they speak depending on who is listening, you can't talk to your grandmother the same way you talk to your friends, but it is different. They take on a completely different personality. It must be exhausting. This is why these people don't have long relationships. When the brief flame of passion dies down, in two years at most, they get tired of suppressing their ego, they turn out to be very different people from the ones they sold out to, and the false altruism dies down. They should realize this after this pattern happens a few times, but unfortunately most of them only realize it when it is too late. This lifestyle, as you said, is fated to loneliness and unhappiness. If they have children, they continue a cycle that is very difficult to break. Loneliness full of certainties is much more comfortable than constant change surrounded by volatile friendships. About my sister, I hope that my leaving will make it easier for her to reevaluate her own life.
Great talk. Peace in your heart :)

 

[dead lightbulb]

Thank you for the kind words. There is no need to be sorry. My problems are only superficial. The pain of being lost and having to live with hysterical people is nothing compared to the pain of other members of this forum.
I don't like to be too hard to my sister. When I was about 14 I was in a place very similar to where she is today and I know that people CAN change if they want to and if they realize they are in a mess. Of course, because she is much older than that, I wonder if she WILL. Most people will spend their whole lives being teenagers, always looking for new groups and tribes to fit into to artificially and fragilely fill the empty void we all feel, in an eternal high school. Perhaps with the exception of old age, when they look back and wish they had done things differently, most of these people are not bothered by it. I won't go into whether their happiness is genuine (the other day I found out that a significant amount of people don't even have a "voice of conscience," so I don't doubt that people really enjoy this lifestyle), but it seems to me a pretty depressing way to live. What is the point in constantly trying to hide in the crowd? These people are also inconsistent and inconstant. They want to be part of a social tribe, so they suppress their individuality and leave their ego aside to take on personalities that fit better with the group of people, but for those social tribes that they have no interest in (often the family), they raise their ego and ignore the existence of other human beings, forgetting that coexistence is formed by understanding and comprehension. Of course, all people change a little the way they speak depending on who is listening, you can't talk to your grandmother the same way you talk to your friends, but it is different. They take on a completely different personality. It must be exhausting. This is why these people don't have long relationships. When the brief flame of passion dies down, in two years at most, they get tired of suppressing their ego, they turn out to be very different people from the ones they sold out to, and the false altruism dies down. They should realize this after this pattern happens a few times, but unfortunately most of them only realize it when it is too late. This lifestyle, as you said, is fated to loneliness and unhappiness. If they have children, they continue a cycle that is very difficult to break. Loneliness full of certainties is much more comfortable than constant change surrounded by volatile friendships. About my sister, I hope that my leaving will make it easier for her to reevaluate her own life.
Great talk. Peace in your heart :)

You're a lovely writer! I'm glad you decided to write here and I'm glad it brought you some peace. I wish you lots of relief and comfort while you're here for however long you stay

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it's true that some people are simply not meant for life, that's the way that I've always felt. It sounds tiring and awful having to put up with people like that, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave this world, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[That's Not Me]

And here I am again. As last time it helped me to organize my thoughts, I came again to throw my thoughts on this forum. I have decided that it is better to just continue the thread in this post rather than create a new one. Like the first post, this one is not necessarily meant for other people to read, so it may be confusing and in poor translation.
I am in a very complicated position right now. I am about to give life another chance. Don't get me wrong, I know that my destiny is suicide. In the same way that a person who smokes two packs of cigarettes a day will probably die of lung cancer and a person who since childhood has problems in some specific organ will die of complications in that organ, a person who is not made for life will eventually commit suicide. I know this even before I start to get worse. I know that this is my destiny. I always thought that I would be better off doing this when I am young, and I still do. I know that if one day I have real responsibilities, like a child, I will not be able or allowed to do that until he is not dependent on me and so I will have a miserable, unhappy life, knowing I should ctb but not being unable to. There are several reasons why I am considering a new attempt at living, but right now I can't visualize them enough to write them here. I guess it's just how I feel. I think I am in one of those moments when you are driving and you are close to a street and you are not sure if you are going to get to the next street or not. Or those Mario levels where the screen is moving and you have to know right away whether you are going to jump on the top platform or continue on the bottom. The time is passing and I need to make my decision soon. I have had some optimistic moments and I think that my eventual new attempt will only be consolidated when I make some impulsive moves, like buying an SSD for my computer or telling my mother that I will try not to take medication. The SSD situation has been going on for many years. At first I didn't buy it as I knew I would have to do a lot of research first and would like to direct my forces in other directions, then I didn't buy it as I knew this would be a useless expense as I was going to ctb and was trying to be economical so that my parents would not find themselves in a too uncomfortable economic position when I ctb. Buying that would be a consolidation of my change of direction. About my situation with medications, I am a few months off the meds and lied to my doctor and parents about it. I stopped taking it for a number of reasons. I always knew, and was always honest with my doctor about it, that the meds did not help me in my worsening, they only slowed down this process. I didn't get worse (and also didn't get better) from chemical imbalances in my body. Another reason I stopped taking meds was because I believed that if I stopped taking meds I would have a sudden worsening and this would be fuel to speed things up with my ctb process. This did not happen. I had very little change. In fact, I felt much more agile in my logical thinking. This is why I think it will be more useful for me to stay off the meds, since I will need to dedicate myself to my studies this year if I really decide to give life another chance, which is very likely.This January specifically I had some very negative moments that reminded me of why I took medication in the first place. I had a hard time getting out of bed on some days, I'm yawning a lot more, not hungry at all, and other reasons I was forced to see a psychiatrist a few years ago. These moments make me question whether I should prioritize logical thinking or my mental health. I have also been without blood tests for lithium for a few months now, of course. My doctor gave me an ultimatum and I have to decide soon whether I will go back on medication and take these damn tests or whether I will tell everyone that I will stop taking medication (which is directly linked to whether or not I will give life another chance). I still don't know what to do about all this. I think that these negative points like sleep and lack of hunger can be solved with exercise, which will basically be a substitute for medication in this hypothetical scenario where I decide to live a little longer. One thing that is essential for me to start thinking about living again is knowing that I can always go back to good old SN if I decide I want to CTB (to be honest, I think at this point it is the only way I can ctb successfully. I need to have a big fall to get it, which can only be provided by a rise first). This is why revealing my secrets to anyone, as I even considered this month, is impractical. I would destroy any possibility of a plan B, which would put me in a completely different situation than the one I want and which I think will be appropriate for me. I even think it would be good for me to talk to a therapist, but for that I would have to be honest about the last year and that would rule out any possibility of a ctb this year. One thing I have thought about is contacting someone outside of my country, as this person would not be able to do anything legally, but considering the exchange rate of my country's currency, this is completely impractical. At least I can always count on this forum. Thank God this place exists. I have been trying to do some things like eventually leave the house or write a poem, as I did the other day and it did me a lot of good (I haven't done that since middle school). It's about a diver who doesn't realize that his oxygen cylinder was leaking. By the time he realizes it, it is too late. He knows he doesn't have enough oxygen to get back to the surface and knows he's going to die, but for some reason he feels at peace about it. It's almost autobiographical lol. It soothed my soul quite a bit, more than I expected, although I felt quite guilty while doing it. It's pretty silly and poorly written, but I kind of liked it.

The other day I heard my father screaming and went to see what was going on. He was saying horrible things to my sister and I intervened. For years I have seen the slow deterioration of relationships in my family and have always thought that it was best to stay out of it. I always felt that anything I could say would not change the situation much and I still feel that way, but I don't think things can get to the point they did last time. I was only able to see life with different eyes and finally find happiness starting in 2019 after my mom tried ctb and my parents realized what a mess they were in. Only from then on they started treating each other differently and allowed me to be someone else. The situation is getting closer every day to how things were before my mother was institutionalized and all this shit seems very schizophrenic to me. It's not possible that they don't realize that. Anyway, on this day I spent about four hours (maybe less) talking to them and told them everything I've been thinking since things started to get worse. My father was and, like my mother, has been extremely rude to my sister and this is not fair to her. This is not how you treat a daughter. I know I was tough with her in my original post, and don't get me wrong, she is indeed a key player in the faster deterioration of relationships in this house, but at the end of the day she is not to blame at all. She does to my parents what they did to my grandparents. They treat my sister even worse than they treated me when I was very bad. That is not something to be done. Parents are indeed responsible for how the adolescent phase of an individual will be. She was never able to get out of this phase because she was not close to them in the short time we were a family. They are responsible for her suffering. My God Almighty, there is no way that I need to tell them this. They are the parents here. Our conversation was long and I explained my point of view. I said that things would only get better if they went back to seek professional help (as I didn't touch this subject again, I don't know if they did). Maybe I was too rude. One of the reasons I avoided talking about these things in the last year is that my mother would certainly interpret "you are responsible for my sister's suffering" as "you are responsible for my suffering", which when ctb would become in her head "you are responsible for what happened to your son", which is something that is totally incorrect and which I avoided doing at all costs, but I think the combination of the possibility that I might not ctb so soon with the horrible state of things ended up making my posts necessary. Maybe it wasn't the smartest thing to do, since, as I said before, the possibility of trying a second chance at life is closely linked to the fact that I can come back to ctb whenever I want, which is closely linked to the fact that I know I didn't say anything that will curse my mother's head when I do, but I don't know if I regret it all. Maybe I regret the way I put some things. I don't know.

I guess that's it for now. If I eventually make a decision, I'll come back here. It's great to have a place to vent. Peace :)