My story

[Incorrigible77777]

Hi all, I'm a 23-year-old boy from China. I studied in the United States (Massachusetts) during my college life. Currently I work as a full-time software engineer in the China branch office of one of the FAMGA companies (I couldn't disclose exactly which one, as I don't wish to be found by my workmates). It's the first time I post a thread at SS, but I've lurked here for a while. Like most of you guys here, I have decent thoughts to CTB, and I'm still exploring the best way to accomplish it.

I have a miserable childhood and family of origin. My parents divorced when I was in junior high school, before which they had been quarrelling all the time. My father is a typical sort of devil father who quitted job very early and started to squander the assets by gambling. He never took up family responsibility. After their divorcement, I started to live with my mother, grandfather and grandmother.

Since growing up, I've been a decent sufferer of mental domestic violence. My parents always scold and belittle me with very negative words. Even if I got a 4.0 overall GPA in college and was admitted as PBK member, their criticisms and denials never stopped. I'm jealous about my peers around, whose parents often say something positive like ''we're proud of you'' and "take it easy" to them no matter how they do, but unfortunately the sunshine and water are not the things I deserve on this world. I'm mean. I'm worthless. I'm good for nothing. Just a piece of junk.

Still, my grandmother was really nice to me. She cared about me all the time. I would say she actually took up the role of a parent, which my father was supposed to take. However, unfortunately, she passed away due to complications of novel coronavirus in March, which occurred all of a sudden. Actually when my grandmother was still alive, I had already thought for many times about CTB soon after her departure, so this in some way speeds up my plan to CTB.

The thoughts of CTB at a young age didn't come all of a sudden, but had stayed for years, probably since my high school time. I always believe that human beings are supposed to choose to live how long they want. If I've enjoyed and fulfilled everything I ever wished, and if there's nothing else to expect in my future, then there's no use going on anymore. There's no point in persisting till my 50/60's while living like a walking dead. On the other hand, if I CTB now, that means I'll preserve my youth and handsomeness forever before I worry about aging. Junko, the main chracter of Japanese novel Lake Akan by Watanabe Junichi, chose to CTB at the age of 18 in the frozen mountains, by which she preserved her beauty forever. I wish I could succeed in so like her.

In my point of view, when you're not cared and recognized by this world, it's not that you're bad, but you're too good so that hard to be understood by the world. It's time to move on to next world. As heaven will accept you, love you and recgonize your talent. There's really no use wasting your youth and talent on this world.

Honestly, like many of you here, I'm still a bit frightened about CTB in a traditional cruel and painful way like hanging, jumping and poisoning. So I'm also on the way to research the most tender, peaceful and ideal way to me to CTB. The best way to me is definitely the European euthanasia institutions. However, whether it's Dignitas, Lifecircle or the newly established Pegasos, it seems extremely hard to get approved for my eventual journey. Even though I'm able to afford the high rates with the income from my job as software engineer, it still seems far from being admitted to any one of the aforementioned institution i.e. you have to prove that you got incurable disease, or you have to prove that you had tried significant amount of psychology treatment in a long time span etc. And I even doubt that they never CTB-ed a 23-year-old like me before. I read through Aurelia's story as well, but unfortunately Dutch terminal care institutions don't accept foreigners. I tried as well the hibatchi method (coal burning) at home in April. But unfortunately I was rescued. That was a really painful and embarrassing experience I had.

Therefore, the only ideal options left are the two major categories of self DIY methods, as many of you already know about. As for pills, earlier I tried to obtain N - manufactured by the M company from Germany - from a Chinese biochem company on Taobao, but unfortunately they didn't have stocks at that time. Now it seems much harder to obtain N in China than described ideally in some CTB manual books. Wonder if there's any substitution? I hear a large number of you mentioning SN. But I have no idea what that is and if that's not painful. As for inert gas/exit bag method, that's temporarily the most ideal way - as I researched so far at the moment - for me to head for the bus. I'm considering doing either N2 or He (preferrably N2), or even rarer gas types like Xe or Ar (if I could obtain). I purchased a large N2 producer from a chemical factory which can generate N2 of >95% purity, but unfortunately that was too large and easily discovered by my family. So the plan failed again. Probably next time I need to put it somewhere else than home before I take final action.

I also researched into some rarer methods to CTB. For example, the CTB-device invented by Dr. Jack Kervorkian was once popular in 1990s. It's also introduced in the Complete Manual of CTB written by Japanese novelist Wataru Tsurumi. This device requires NaCl, KCl and pentothal solution. Among all of the three chemicals, the first two are easy to obtain, but I have no idea where to get pentothal. It seems to me as hard as obtaining the N. Another method impressive to me is the Korean collar method introduced from Exit International back in March this year. The collar can inhibit breathe by pressuring the fatal carotid sinus. As I only saw the 3D printing model of the collar, I don't know how it would proceed and if that's really not so painful. I also wish to do the Sarco method, but it seems to be only available in the euthanasia institutions...

There're some people around giving up CTB when they get something important to expect in the future i.e. love, marriage and family. Unfortunately, that's not an option for me, either. I tried to date a girlfriend for several times, but each time failed unexceptionally due to a same reason: my awkward family of origin. That is, suppose I have family in the future, then the kid will be born without a grandpa (my father). And my wife will face the accuses from the rest of my family member. That's definitely not a good thing - even I myself think so. And later on, I realized that actually I'm gay, and I don't ever look forward to marriage and family at all. Therefore, there's really nothing else to expect in the future. I'm already very satisfied with my first ~25 years' life. It's time to go now.

Sometimes I hate to be born this way: a strong body, the high sensitivity of my skin, and the strong desire to end up with my life - that's per se a total paradox. Having a strong body means that I won't easily get sick and end up accidentally. And having highly sensitive skin means that I could barely stand even the pain from vaccine injection. That's why a bunch of traditional CTB methods are disabled from me. I've been a fan of Korean entertainment for ~15 years, and the news of deaths of Sulli and Goo Hara further strengthened my desire to CTB at this age and retain my youth forever. I also wish that I could go with sudden heart failure just like Godfrey Gao. Honestly, I even hope that I could go instead of Godfrey, because he was so handsome and not depressed. He should deserve a way better future and longer life, while living long to me is somehow too luxurious.

Still, I'm glad to find the place to discuss CTB. The limit of freedom speech in my country has become more and more serious, so that it's rather hard to find the right place to discuss CTB-related topics. Many CTB-related forums have been closed. And many Tencent/Wechat groups (where people can date to CTB together) have been dismissed. Fortunately I found SS, so it's my very first time to share the thoughts of CTB. I'm glad to join this big family. And I believe that eventually I'll find the most suitable way for me to go.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that your life is so bad you feel the need to CTB.

 

[AnxietyAttack44]

Im sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you can atleast find some peace and comfort, even if its only here on SS.

For more info on ctb make sure to go through resorce section and older posts, as theyre all helpful.

If you ever want to just talk or discuss ctb methods, please feel free to do so. If you ever feel lonely, you can pm me any time, or just ask anything.

Good luck

 

[Incorrigible77777]

Welcome. Thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that your life is so bad you feel the need to CTB.

Thank you so much. I had a really terrible family of origin and childhood. As slang goes, a miserable person spends their whole life curing their childhood. Unfortunately I'm that type of person. I think most of us coming to SS have really bad lives, or otherwise wouldn't desire so strongly to CTB.

Im sorry to hear about your struggles. I hope you can atleast find some peace and comfort, even if its only here on SS.

For more info on ctb make sure to go through resorce section and older posts, as theyre all helpful.

If you ever want to just talk or discuss ctb methods, please feel free to do so. If you ever feel lonely, you can pm me any time, or just ask anything.

Good luck

Thank you. SS actually means a lot to me. My family of origin is awkward. I don't have friends in reality life (I used to have friends and classmates, but was all ruined by my family of origin). And I have to conceal my being suicidal from my workmates. SS is the last land where I can breathe and talk out the things.

Sure, I actually have read through some of the info in the resource section when I lurked in SS before. I'll pay attention to more of them.

Thanks for your help and care. I really appreciate.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

Welcome to the Forum

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I read a lot of pain from it over many years, which you always had to hide and collect without having an outlet.
I am very happy for you that you have now found this place here, where you can finally show this page of yourself.

I live in Switzerland and unfortunately I have to tell you that it is practically impossible for you to die with Exit, Dignitas or Pegasos.
You are just too young and too healthy.

But you don't need this help at all, because you can still take care of your suicide yourself.

Take your time and research exactly about the methods. Find out about the mode of action. This is the only way to ensure that you do not have to report an attempt later.

 

[Intheo]

I'm not chinese and I can relate. Asian culture is so toxic. They adopted cut-throat capitalism without all the wishy-washy western liberal attitudes to balance it out. If you don't meet some ridiculous standard of society like a school grade or a certain job, you're a piece of shit. Even if you do, you're still never good enough and all of your achievements are never truly yours anyway. That's why korean celebrities kill themselves despite all the fame and money (to be fair they're not that rich because their management owns them). Nobody ever honestly talks about the mental issues that are brought by these attitudes and when people inevitably kill themselves, everybody just brushes everything under the rug and moves on. I mean I guess that's how it is in most societies but asians take it extreme.

 

[Incorrigible77777]

Welcome to the Forum

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I read a lot of pain from it over many years, which you always had to hide and collect without having an outlet.
I am very happy for you that you have now found this place here, where you can finally show this page of yourself.

I live in Switzerland and unfortunately I have to tell you that it is practically impossible for you to die with Exit, Dignitas or Pegasos.
You are just too young and too healthy.

But you don't need this help at all, because you can still take care of your suicide yourself.

Take your time and research exactly about the methods. Find out about the mode of action. This is the only way to ensure that you do not have to report an attempt later.

Hello, thank you for letting me know about the inability of Exit, Dignitas and Pegasos from the persepective of a local resident, so that I would focus on the rest of available options. It's somehow disappointing, but it's somehow within my expectations. I agree with the latter sentence "you can still take care of your suicide yourself". I'm on the way researching the optimized CTB plan for myself.

I'm not chinese and I can relate. Asian culture is so toxic. They adopted cut-throat capitalism without all the wishy-washy western liberal attitudes to balance it out. If you don't meet some ridiculous standard of society like a school grade or a certain job, you're a piece of shit. Even if you do, you're still never good enough and all of your achievements are never truly yours anyway. That's why korean celebrities kill themselves despite all the fame and money (to be fair they're not that rich because their management owns them). Nobody ever honestly talks about the mental issues that are brought by these attitudes and when people inevitably kill themselves, everybody just brushes everything under the rug and moves on. I mean I guess that's how it is in most societies but asians take it extreme.

I think I'm already able to guess where you come from... 만나서 반가워요
I totally agree with what you write about Asian culture. Toxic, cut-throat capitalism, not wishy-washy, ridiculous standard of society, extreme... These put all those characteristics in a nutshell, and that's how I was brought up, in my culture and in my family of origin. Toxic culture environment can be destructive to one's mind in which case even a large amount of fame and money wouldn't work. That was why top star like Choi Jin-sil still chose to CTB. This is cruel and dark, and unfortunately I'm also in this same boat.

 

[Cashewmilk]

I'm not chinese and I can relate. Asian culture is so toxic. They adopted cut-throat capitalism without all the wishy-washy western liberal attitudes to balance it out. If you don't meet some ridiculous standard of society like a school grade or a certain job, you're a piece of shit. Even if you do, you're still never good enough and all of your achievements are never truly yours anyway. That's why korean celebrities kill themselves despite all the fame and money (to be fair they're not that rich because their management owns them). Nobody ever honestly talks about the mental issues that are brought by these attitudes and when people inevitably kill themselves, everybody just brushes everything under the rug and moves on. I mean I guess that's how it is in most societies but asians take it extreme.

Pretty much all Asian and South Asian cultures are extremely toxic. It's embarrassing and hard to explain to normal western people (especially white people). You described it perfectly! I call it barbaric and sadistic lol.

 

[Intheo]

Pretty much all Asian and South Asian cultures are extremely toxic. It's embarrassing and hard to explain to normal western people (especially white people). You described it perfectly! I call it barbaric and sadistic lol.

I would say all human societies are barbaric and sadistic. Plenty of examples no matter where you go in the world. I do give to the "West" in that there is at least more discourse and honest introspection about these things. In asia there's barely any acknowledgement. People getting sad and killing themselves is just a part of life that doesn't need any change.

 

[draw a circle]

On the other hand, if I CTB now, that means I'll preserve my youth and handsomeness forever before I worry about aging.

For some reason, I resonate with this lol. My parents are still looking young for their ages and for how much I want to be like them, my lifestyle is way too unhealthy.

I also feel like growing old in this fucked up world is kinda pointless. I can see myself trying to survive day by day with anxiety and it doesn't sound appealing, even more so with all the issues going on. Earth isn't getting better soon.

I'm Asian, and while my family is more understanding than others, academic pressure is real. I was a "gifted kid" all throughout primary and high school but now I'm all messed up. It's all my fault though, as my environment had been helpful but I'm already beyond help.

Sorry for rambling here. Good luck, brother!

 

[Incorrigible77777]

For some reason, I resonate with this lol. My parents are still looking young for their ages and for how much I want to be like them, my lifestyle is way too unhealthy.

I also feel like growing old in this fucked up world is kinda pointless. I can see myself trying to survive day by day with anxiety and it doesn't sound appealing, even more so with all the issues going on. Earth isn't getting better soon.

I'm Asian, and while my family is more understanding than others, academic pressure is real. I was a "gifted kid" all throughout primary and high school but now I'm all messed up. It's all my fault though, as my environment had been helpful but I'm already beyond help.

Sorry for rambling here. Good luck, brother!

I think it's a good thing to have parents really aging young or looking young. For the former, this means you'll reach an older age before saying goodbye to them by which you'll be more prepared. In my case, when my parents were born, my grandparents were not young, and when I was born, my parents weren't young, either. So I had to face the goodbye to my grandma at the age of just 23 which was too early. For the latter, parents looking young are more likely to have more modern and fashionable thoughts and tend to have more positive attitudes towards life and less feudal shackles (I guess that's partly why your parents are not so pushy to you).

Curiously, are you Japanese? Then you English language skills are really outstanding, compared to Japanese people who I got along with before.

No need to say sorry. I'm welcoming to different stories shared in this post. I'm totally fine with them. And good luck to you as well!

 

[draw a circle]

My parents are all above 50 and my remaining grandparents are above 80, so I can say they're already old, but yeah my parents are modern and way better than others I know. That's what makes it hard to leave.... I love them a lot and they loves me. That's also makes me feel guilty for failing at life... It's a vicious cycle.

I'm not Japanese, but sorry I can't say what my nationality is. I have a feeling that not a lot of people came from the same country as I do in this forum though. I learned English from a young age and is currently learning Japanese and Korean among other languages, although I'm not good in any of them. I thought you were Japanese before I saw this post lol

 

[Incorrigible77777]

Welcome to the Forum

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I read a lot of pain from it over many years, which you always had to hide and collect without having an outlet.
I am very happy for you that you have now found this place here, where you can finally show this page of yourself.

I live in Switzerland and unfortunately I have to tell you that it is practically impossible for you to die with Exit, Dignitas or Pegasos.
You are just too young and too healthy.

But you don't need this help at all, because you can still take care of your suicide yourself.

Take your time and research exactly about the methods. Find out about the mode of action. This is the only way to ensure that you do not have to report an attempt later.

@LetzteAusfahrt

Dear friend, I will always miss you... Thank you. You're wonderful.