Who is making you reconsider things? For me its my mum

[destinationlosangel]

Hello guys and gals,

This might be long since I'm gonna essentially explain why I got to this stage of really considering ctb. So the last couple years have been difficult. I have a few illnesses that severely affect my quality of life and although there are surgeries that can help this, the only docs for this condition are all in the US. The idea of getting there for treatment is going to be extremely difficult hence the thoughts on ending things. The only thing I need is a surgery and I've approached many docs locally but none have considered my case other than the US docs. Living in ill health is no easy task and it also constantly makes me feel like im a burden on my family. I have had some freelance jobs that have been able to make me some money but nothing on a level that I should be bringing in. This has made me strongly think about my life, the point of existing, the future of our world. Many things do seem exciting but many things about the future also seem very scary. The only person holding me back from really ending it is my loving mom. The fact that she has been there for me thru all of our difficult times makes me feel guilty that i am even thinking about this. I feel like it will be the biggest act of ungratefulness that I would be committing. But with my current health situation, I'm not sure of what to do. I do have moments when I'm like u know what fuck it, i need to do this. I do know that offing myself is the only way out of this suffering. I'm glad I broke up with my ex a few years ago so i dont have more connections to this planet. but whats crazy is that she herself was extremely suicidal and back then I never even considered this as a way out. But now I get her stance on things. It would have been to cool to die along with her.

I suppose there are others like myself here who are holding themselves back cuz of one or two people in their lives. Maybe those of u with kids, or ailing parents or a loving partner. Our situations maybe different but the dilemma is the same

 

[hopeless08]

Hello guys and gals,

This might be long since I'm gonna essentially explain why I got to this stage of really considering ctb. So the last couple years have been difficult. I have a few illnesses that severely affect my quality of life and although there are surgeries that can help this, the only docs for this condition are all in the US. The idea of getting there for treatment is going to be extremely difficult hence the thoughts on ending things. The only thing I need is a surgery and I've approached many docs locally but none have considered my case other than the US docs. Living in ill health is no easy task and it also constantly makes me feel like im a burden on my family. I have had some freelance jobs that have been able to make me some money but nothing on a level that I should be bringing in. This has made me strongly think about my life, the point of existing, the future of our world. Many things do seem exciting but many things about the future also seem very scary. The only person holding me back from really ending it is my loving mom. The fact that she has been there for me thru all of our difficult times makes me feel guilty that i am even thinking about this. I feel like it will be the biggest act of ungratefulness that I would be committing. But with my current health situation, I'm not sure of what to do. I do have moments when I'm like u know what fuck it, i need to do this. I do know that offing myself is the only way out of this suffering. I'm glad I broke up with my ex a few years ago so i dont have more connections to this planet. but whats crazy is that she herself was extremely suicidal and back then I never even considered this as a way out. But now I get her stance on things. It would have been to cool to die along with her.

I suppose there are others like myself here who are holding themselves back cuz of one or two people in their lives. Maybe those of u with kids, or ailing parents or a loving partner. Our situations maybe different but the dilemma is the same

I understand since I feel the same exact way. My mom loves me so much and has been the most amazing mother in the world. She sees me suffering with my depression ever day, I try to fake a smile for her but she knows I'm really depressed cause I'm always in my room , haven't left the house in months I feel so bad because I know it pains her to see me this way. She has hope that I'm going to get better but I know I'm only getting worse. I don't want her to have to keep seeing me this way and also I feel a lot of pressure as well to force myself to get out of bed and spend time with her, but just the thought of the unimaginable pain she'll be in once I go is absolutely heartbreaking for me, I don't think she'll be able to survive it plus she's 80 so I'm in a world of pain either way you look.
I empathize with you and the love for your mother

 

[destinationlosangel]

I understand since I feel the same exact way. My mom loves me so much and has been the most amazing mother in the world. She sees me suffering with my depression ever day, I try to fake a smile for her but she knows I'm really depressed cause I'm always in my room , haven't left the house in months I feel so bad because I know it pains her to see me this way. She has hope that I'm going to get better but I know I'm only getting worse. I don't want her to have to keep seeing me this way and also I feel a lot of pressure as well to force myself to get out of bed and spend time with her, but just the thought of the unimaginable pain she'll be in once I go is absolutely heartbreaking for me, I don't think she'll be able to survive it plus she's 80 so I'm in a world of pain either way you look.
I empathize with you and the love for your mother

Hello my bro! Everything u wrote in this i resonate with. Just that my mum is a few years younger than yours.

I agree with everything u said here. I too try to fake a smile for her but she knows. I feel like shit for feeling this way but this is what it is I guess :(

Anyway we are loving sons and that counts for something eh :)

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

The one person holding me back is my partner of 10+ years. His mother died recently and has no direct family left. We have a very close life - we live and work together. I feel it would bring him a lot of suffering.

 

[destinationlosangel]

The one person holding me back is my partner of 10+ years. His mother died recently and has no direct family left. We have a very close life - we live and work together. I feel it would bring him a lot of suffering.

I guess we all have somebody or the other holding us back but it just shows how much we care for them eh. At the end of the day, i think most of us on here are conscientious, good people

 

[wildbluekiss]

my ex-boyfriend GODDDD i'm so fucking miserable

 

[destinationlosangel]

my ex-boyfriend GODDDD i'm so fucking miserable

ok im not sure how to interpret that. Ru guys still friends? is he a caring friend to u? well we all have our reasons to live

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

I guess we all have somebody or the other holding us back but it just shows how much we care for them eh. At the end of the day, i think most of us on here are conscientious, good people

There have been times when, I've felt resentful of the connection and how it holds me back. But, more recently I've grown to appreciate it more as it highlights what in life is important and worth it for me.

 

[destinationlosangel]

There have been times when, I've felt resentful of the connection and how it holds me back. But, more recently I've grown to appreciate it more as it highlights what in life is important and worth it for me.

I feel you. I have seen how some ppl have kids for this reason. Like they know having kids will make them stop thinking about suicide.

 

[hopeless08]

I feel you. I have seen how some ppl have kids for this reason. Like they know having kids will make them stop thinking about suicide.

No offense to anyone but I don't think having kids for à suicidal person is a good idea. If the kids see their parent in a depression it makes life very hard on them and can have lasting ramifications and I could also make the parent feel worse to see the effect it's having on the kids.

 

[theboy]

My family and my therapist

 

[destinationlosangel]

No offense to anyone but I don't think having kids for à suicidal person is a good idea. If the kids see their parent in a depression it makes life very hard on them and can have lasting ramifications and I could also make the parent feel worse to see the effect it's having on the kids.

I fully agree with u.

 

[sserafim]

Nobody

 

[SadLad]

My partner, child, parents and sisters would be devastated. Unfortunately some days the pain I experience still gets so intense that I can't see past offing myself. Although I am doing slightly better these days (for now).

 

[author]

My friends. They're basically my family to me.

 

[Mea Culpa]

My best friend... but now hes suddenly ghosting me... so I'm reconsidering my reconsideration

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Nobody

I relate. Nobody can make me change my mind regarding suicide unless if they had the power to alter reality itself though that's just fiction sadly

 

[sserafim]

I relate. Nobody can make me change my mind regarding suicide unless if they had the power to alter reality itself though that's just fiction sadly

Me neither. Like my decision to live or die doesn't depend on other people. It's mine alone. This reality and world is messed up and I don't want to live in it. I would have left it long ago if dying wasn't so scary and hard, and if there wasn't a risk of failure and permanent damage. I wish that euthanasia were legalized and not so restricted. And no offense, but I really don't care about the impact my death has on anyone. It's my life and my decision alone. I don't see the point in living for other people. It's literally your life, and if you think it's time to exit, then exit. Don't care about what other people think

 

[flowerdecay]

At this point there's no one left who can influence me

 

[KANCEL]

My Mom, she is 87 and if I leave her she would likely end up in a nursing home, which is one of her greatest fears.
I despise life, but at this point I can't do it for her sake.

However, if she passes before me I'm worried I won't have enough energy to do it

Life is bad now, but it can always get worse and I just want to get out before I get myself into an even worse situation

 

[xmissellax]

My mum, brother and my boyfriend, been with for 6 years. It makes it so fucking hard. They're so bloody supportive of me but my autism, BPD and OCD make my brain hell and no amount of support can fix a differently wired brain that makes living so fucking hard

 

[restless.dreams]

My family and my cats are the reason I'm still here, for better or worse.

@destinationlosangel I'm so glad you have a supportive mom. Have you told her how you're feeling? If she's been suicidal in the past, maybe she would understand.

I'm in the US and I wish I could just teleport you here to get the surgery you need. I really hope you find a way.

 

[Naked Weapon]

I know he could find someone else easily if I passed, but my boyfriend is the sweetest individual I ever could have imagined. He is the reason I have any heart at all; in his hands, it melts. He is not my reason to live but he is the reason I love.

 

[lotheb_5drop]

i keep enjoying the view of the spring morning on the buss to class and it kinda pisses me off that it keeps me here

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Me neither. Like my decision to live or die doesn't depend on other people. It's mine alone. This reality and world is messed up and I don't want to live in it. I would have left it long ago if dying wasn't so scary and hard, and if there wasn't a risk of failure and permanent damage. I wish that euthanasia were legalized and not so restricted. And no offense, but I really don't care about the impact my death has on anyone. It's my life and my decision alone. I don't see the point in living for other people. It's literally your life, and if you think it's time to exit, then exit. Don't care about what other people think

Same here with me not caring about what other people think after my death though, ideally, if I were to ctb, I think I would write a final thread here telling the lurking news journalists and other pro life people who lurk this site to not use my death as a way to shame this site. Even then however, I can't care less what they do after I'm dead due to me being dead and I can't control what others do. I'm only alive because dying is too difficult as the current methods available are terrifying to do and I get scared from reading the cases in where a failed suicide attempt causes a permanent worse quality of life than that before the suicide attempt

They can react to my death however they wish to but they need to understand that death is natural and is a part of life. They need to understand that our lives is ours and that we should be allowed to end it if we want to

 

[hadenough58]

I feel you. I have seen how some ppl have kids for this reason. Like they know having kids will make them stop thinking about suicide.

As a parent abet with grown up children I have to say that while having children is rewarding and a very good reason to live they are also a very expensive and stressful experience and so not a good choice for anybody who already has suicidal thoughts imho
Nobody to be honest, I just keep finding reasons no to but they cannot last forever?
The last few weeks have been hell for me which is why I have joint this site as it will either save me or help me take the final step.

 

[bluebird16]

My parents. They're too good.

 

[Callie]

The people who hurt me. Yes.

Because they're also the ones who keep on giving me false hope of happiness, And me being hungry for love, I easily believe them

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't think there is anyone who can make me reconsider my decision unless my life gets a turnaround.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Absolutely nobody who can do anything to make me reconsider because I've kept this all so well hidden, the only person in my way right now is me.