snowlance
Ticking Time Bomb
- Sep 8, 2023
- 208
Hi everyone, I'm a little new here, I've talked to a few people here and I think I'm ready to spill the beans. So here goes. Also I won't go into full detail because then I'd be writing a novel.
My childhood was like walking on eggshells. My dad was military and yelled a lot. He was very strict and would often excuse my problems with "your a man, deal with it". Aside from this, they weren't really bad. I was mostly ignored and bullied in middle school. I wasn't suicidal growing up but when depressed, I wouldn't do things safely. I'd cross the road without looking, walk around at night, those kind of things.
I decided to go to school for software development at 18, I had a plan and everything. My mental health wasn't too bad during this time, the depression and adhd were bad but manageable with medication. Things went well for the beginning. Halfway through I could still manage my depression but it was definitely more frequent and noticeable. Therapy didn't help, medication did but eventually didn't anymore, I went through so many prescriptions and each time i struggled for it because i guess doctors don't realize taking someone off their meds can make whatever problem they have worse until they get on the new ones which can fuck up their life. I devoted everything to my studies, I didn't party, make friends, talk to anyone. I knew my mental health was getting worse but I thought if I worked hard enough, I could finish and get the job i want. On top of this, I had 2 online friends that made my life easier and gave me motivation. 1 of them i still talk to and make plans with to this day (see my post in recovery if interested). The other was my bf at the time.
When I finished my degree and made the deans list, it was my biggest achievement, but also when the cycle started. From then on for 5 years I would go from finding a job, getting an apartment, and then losing it all because my doctor changed the medication and I couldn't keep up with work (most common), or my mental health got in the way somehow. Then I'd live with family and start over. This happened 6 times. Each time my mental state was worse and worse and I started considering suicide as an escape but had no plan. I would skip work, call in sick a lot, and go to the bathroom a lot when i had anxiety attacks, which would lead to getting let go. Soon I couldn't go to places with a lot of people like grocery stores and family gatherings because of my anxiety. Working got way harder. My bf broke up with me and doesn't talk to me anymore because he can't deal with my mental health anymore. He was a huge impact on my life and without him, life's been 2x harder. Every time I started the cycle over I'd make a deal with myself "one more try and ill kms if things go wrong again". I kept promising myself 1 more year, just 1 more year. Each time I lived with my parents, my sanity died a bit each time. Their idea of helping was opening the blinds early morning and yelling to wake up and forcing me to apply to jobs and I wasn't allowed to game with my friends anymore, use thc (which helped with my anxiety) and even tried to take me off my prescription meds saying they were the problem. I would have to do labor outside with my dad every other day, but because of my depression, I didn't take care of myself very well and im extremely weak. I would have anxiety attacks daily living with them. They did a lot more but its a lot, id be writing a paper. Once I was helping my dad lift something really heavy, I kept saying 'I cant' while lifting it, felt like my arms were gonna come off and he kept saying 'yes you can, don't drop it' until I finally had to yell at him for him to take me seriously. Since then he doesn't really talk to me anymore.
One time I lived with them I started using Grindr as an escape. I had a nice body and shaved and looked cute so finding people wasn't hard, but i wasn't safe at all. I would go out and meet all kinds of people, even if they were sketchy. I hated my life and myself and thought this was the only way I could be useful and feel happy, even if it was sexually. A lot of times I almost got raped or died.
My first and best job I lost because I told a coworker I'm trans. They took pictures of me sitting down, looking away at the right times to make it look like I was asleep and showed management and I got fired.
I was able to hold my last job working at pizza hut for 1 year, my longest record. I promised myself I'd never have to live with my parents again and i wouldnt have to stress myself out anymore. But one day my manager decided to have a tantrum because he dropped a pizza on the ground. Started swearing and yelling and chucking things around, yelled at me to do my delivery and I rushed to my car. I was having my worst anxiety attack and decided to drive home. I had a emotional support rabbit that freeroamed my apartment, and she always calmed down my anxiety attacks. (Pics of her attached, she's adorable) before I could make it to my apartment I parked my car to control my breathing and then blacked out. I woke up to my manager knocking on the window asking where I was, its been an hour, etc. I told them what happened and they told me to take the night off, the next day the whole thing is pretty much blamed on me, and I got written up.
It only got worse from here until I was having anxiety attacks every day and sitting in my car alot trying to calm them down. I experimented with thc during this time because it helped with my anxiety, but screwed up taking too much a few times and couldn't work. Anxiety controlled my life now, everywhere i went id feel it in my chest, especially at work. Id have 2-3 anxiety attacks a day. Somedays I felt like I was hanging by a thread and I was so tired.
One day my coworker said that the only reason I haven't been fired is because there's no one to replace me yet. This gave me a huge anxiety attack, I was already having a bad day on top of it and something snapped, that's it, I'm done, at this point I've had to start over 6 times, I promised myself I wouldn't have to live with my parents again. They treated me horribly and made my mental health worse. I have to end it. I drove to my garage to do the co2 method but stopped at my house first to say goodbye to the rabbit. I cried and decided not to do it and went back, told my coworker I was suicidal and he just seemed annoyed and sighed and clocked me out, didn't say much. The other coworker was pissed, he said I didn't help with the last orders and i fucked him over. I told him i was going to kms asshole and he said something along the lines of "good you should kill yourself". Went to the er, they bombarded me with questions, I didn't want to be hospitalized and since I was impulsive and didnt actually attempt anything or have a plan i was let go. Work didnt fire him, just moved him to a different store.
My anxiety got worse, every day was like stepping on eggshells as to not set off my anxiety. One day I had an anxiety attack, didnt tell anyone and shut down completely for the entire day. I was so scared to come into work the next day. They'd fire me for sure, ill lose my rabbit and apartment and everything again. The day I had to come in was here, I was surely to get scolded by my boss and have another anxiety attack and have to explain myself and everything. I get in my car and then just decide to shut the garage door and turn on the engine. I waited 5 minutes but just opened the garage door and put my head down and cried. When I got to work I was trying to hype myself up in the car and started hyperventilating and couldn't think straight. I decided I've been there too long and started walking in, stumbling like an idiot. My boss approached me and said to go home, i wasn't coming in here acting like that. He wouldn't let me drive myself home and had an employee take me home. I tried to kms again but couldn't do it and told my parents. Police were called and i convinced them somehow that I lied and wanted attention and didn't mean to scare my parents, etc.
Fast forward a few months later i have no job, I'm living off uber and supposed to be on rental assistance but something went wrong on their end and they blamed me for it somehow. I didnt care about anything anymore, most days i would just eat a bunch of edibles and get high, then take more when they wore off and it would just be this cycle that went of for a week being the longest. I also got back into grindr until I finally did get raped. I got way too high, invited someone over and they threw me on the couch and moved me around like a doll, doing whatever they wanted. I dont remember half of it but I remember being in pain and saying stop and he wouldn't listen. He blocked me and I didn't remember who he was and couldn't get the police involved. When my manager told me I had to pay 3000$ of my rent that rental assistance couldn't pay or I was being evicted, I lost it again but kept going somehow till one day I found my car in the garage was on all night, opened the door and got blasted with it. Got in my car and saw it was almost empty, and just closed the door. I started having another panic attack and I wanted to do it this time. But ultimately called my parents and opened the door. I voluntarily went to a mental institution for 2 weeks and now I'm living with my grandma, trying to pay rent with uber and get on disability so I can continue my life and hopefully things get better. I promised myself I would ctb if I ever had to move in with my parents again or I'm unable to get on disability because I genuinely don't know what to do after that. I cant work at all and even uber is getting hard to do. I stay in my room all the time and only come out when I need to because each time I do, my anxiety starts up again. There's a lot of things I didn't mention here to save space, but my entire life has been failure after failure once I finished college. I feel like I'm a empty shell of my former self now.
Anyways, thanks to whoever reads all of this. Sorry if anything was hard to understand, I'm not really good at writing but I thought I'd give it a try.
My childhood was like walking on eggshells. My dad was military and yelled a lot. He was very strict and would often excuse my problems with "your a man, deal with it". Aside from this, they weren't really bad. I was mostly ignored and bullied in middle school. I wasn't suicidal growing up but when depressed, I wouldn't do things safely. I'd cross the road without looking, walk around at night, those kind of things.
I decided to go to school for software development at 18, I had a plan and everything. My mental health wasn't too bad during this time, the depression and adhd were bad but manageable with medication. Things went well for the beginning. Halfway through I could still manage my depression but it was definitely more frequent and noticeable. Therapy didn't help, medication did but eventually didn't anymore, I went through so many prescriptions and each time i struggled for it because i guess doctors don't realize taking someone off their meds can make whatever problem they have worse until they get on the new ones which can fuck up their life. I devoted everything to my studies, I didn't party, make friends, talk to anyone. I knew my mental health was getting worse but I thought if I worked hard enough, I could finish and get the job i want. On top of this, I had 2 online friends that made my life easier and gave me motivation. 1 of them i still talk to and make plans with to this day (see my post in recovery if interested). The other was my bf at the time.
When I finished my degree and made the deans list, it was my biggest achievement, but also when the cycle started. From then on for 5 years I would go from finding a job, getting an apartment, and then losing it all because my doctor changed the medication and I couldn't keep up with work (most common), or my mental health got in the way somehow. Then I'd live with family and start over. This happened 6 times. Each time my mental state was worse and worse and I started considering suicide as an escape but had no plan. I would skip work, call in sick a lot, and go to the bathroom a lot when i had anxiety attacks, which would lead to getting let go. Soon I couldn't go to places with a lot of people like grocery stores and family gatherings because of my anxiety. Working got way harder. My bf broke up with me and doesn't talk to me anymore because he can't deal with my mental health anymore. He was a huge impact on my life and without him, life's been 2x harder. Every time I started the cycle over I'd make a deal with myself "one more try and ill kms if things go wrong again". I kept promising myself 1 more year, just 1 more year. Each time I lived with my parents, my sanity died a bit each time. Their idea of helping was opening the blinds early morning and yelling to wake up and forcing me to apply to jobs and I wasn't allowed to game with my friends anymore, use thc (which helped with my anxiety) and even tried to take me off my prescription meds saying they were the problem. I would have to do labor outside with my dad every other day, but because of my depression, I didn't take care of myself very well and im extremely weak. I would have anxiety attacks daily living with them. They did a lot more but its a lot, id be writing a paper. Once I was helping my dad lift something really heavy, I kept saying 'I cant' while lifting it, felt like my arms were gonna come off and he kept saying 'yes you can, don't drop it' until I finally had to yell at him for him to take me seriously. Since then he doesn't really talk to me anymore.
One time I lived with them I started using Grindr as an escape. I had a nice body and shaved and looked cute so finding people wasn't hard, but i wasn't safe at all. I would go out and meet all kinds of people, even if they were sketchy. I hated my life and myself and thought this was the only way I could be useful and feel happy, even if it was sexually. A lot of times I almost got raped or died.
My first and best job I lost because I told a coworker I'm trans. They took pictures of me sitting down, looking away at the right times to make it look like I was asleep and showed management and I got fired.
I was able to hold my last job working at pizza hut for 1 year, my longest record. I promised myself I'd never have to live with my parents again and i wouldnt have to stress myself out anymore. But one day my manager decided to have a tantrum because he dropped a pizza on the ground. Started swearing and yelling and chucking things around, yelled at me to do my delivery and I rushed to my car. I was having my worst anxiety attack and decided to drive home. I had a emotional support rabbit that freeroamed my apartment, and she always calmed down my anxiety attacks. (Pics of her attached, she's adorable) before I could make it to my apartment I parked my car to control my breathing and then blacked out. I woke up to my manager knocking on the window asking where I was, its been an hour, etc. I told them what happened and they told me to take the night off, the next day the whole thing is pretty much blamed on me, and I got written up.
It only got worse from here until I was having anxiety attacks every day and sitting in my car alot trying to calm them down. I experimented with thc during this time because it helped with my anxiety, but screwed up taking too much a few times and couldn't work. Anxiety controlled my life now, everywhere i went id feel it in my chest, especially at work. Id have 2-3 anxiety attacks a day. Somedays I felt like I was hanging by a thread and I was so tired.
One day my coworker said that the only reason I haven't been fired is because there's no one to replace me yet. This gave me a huge anxiety attack, I was already having a bad day on top of it and something snapped, that's it, I'm done, at this point I've had to start over 6 times, I promised myself I wouldn't have to live with my parents again. They treated me horribly and made my mental health worse. I have to end it. I drove to my garage to do the co2 method but stopped at my house first to say goodbye to the rabbit. I cried and decided not to do it and went back, told my coworker I was suicidal and he just seemed annoyed and sighed and clocked me out, didn't say much. The other coworker was pissed, he said I didn't help with the last orders and i fucked him over. I told him i was going to kms asshole and he said something along the lines of "good you should kill yourself". Went to the er, they bombarded me with questions, I didn't want to be hospitalized and since I was impulsive and didnt actually attempt anything or have a plan i was let go. Work didnt fire him, just moved him to a different store.
My anxiety got worse, every day was like stepping on eggshells as to not set off my anxiety. One day I had an anxiety attack, didnt tell anyone and shut down completely for the entire day. I was so scared to come into work the next day. They'd fire me for sure, ill lose my rabbit and apartment and everything again. The day I had to come in was here, I was surely to get scolded by my boss and have another anxiety attack and have to explain myself and everything. I get in my car and then just decide to shut the garage door and turn on the engine. I waited 5 minutes but just opened the garage door and put my head down and cried. When I got to work I was trying to hype myself up in the car and started hyperventilating and couldn't think straight. I decided I've been there too long and started walking in, stumbling like an idiot. My boss approached me and said to go home, i wasn't coming in here acting like that. He wouldn't let me drive myself home and had an employee take me home. I tried to kms again but couldn't do it and told my parents. Police were called and i convinced them somehow that I lied and wanted attention and didn't mean to scare my parents, etc.
Fast forward a few months later i have no job, I'm living off uber and supposed to be on rental assistance but something went wrong on their end and they blamed me for it somehow. I didnt care about anything anymore, most days i would just eat a bunch of edibles and get high, then take more when they wore off and it would just be this cycle that went of for a week being the longest. I also got back into grindr until I finally did get raped. I got way too high, invited someone over and they threw me on the couch and moved me around like a doll, doing whatever they wanted. I dont remember half of it but I remember being in pain and saying stop and he wouldn't listen. He blocked me and I didn't remember who he was and couldn't get the police involved. When my manager told me I had to pay 3000$ of my rent that rental assistance couldn't pay or I was being evicted, I lost it again but kept going somehow till one day I found my car in the garage was on all night, opened the door and got blasted with it. Got in my car and saw it was almost empty, and just closed the door. I started having another panic attack and I wanted to do it this time. But ultimately called my parents and opened the door. I voluntarily went to a mental institution for 2 weeks and now I'm living with my grandma, trying to pay rent with uber and get on disability so I can continue my life and hopefully things get better. I promised myself I would ctb if I ever had to move in with my parents again or I'm unable to get on disability because I genuinely don't know what to do after that. I cant work at all and even uber is getting hard to do. I stay in my room all the time and only come out when I need to because each time I do, my anxiety starts up again. There's a lot of things I didn't mention here to save space, but my entire life has been failure after failure once I finished college. I feel like I'm a empty shell of my former self now.
Anyways, thanks to whoever reads all of this. Sorry if anything was hard to understand, I'm not really good at writing but I thought I'd give it a try.
