Venting Sadness and Loneliness

[SoulBroken]

Growing up I was always hated, hated by every single person around me ever since I was young, I failed to make any friends.

The universe decided that loneliness is not enough, I started getting bullied after moving to a different country, I was beaten up almost every day and went home to my parents fighting with each other.
I was also hated by my family, my dad always told me how I'm a failure and how I'll never achieve anything, he told me that it was a bad day seeing me get born and that a pet dog would be more useful to the family.

I fell into depression, and all I did was rot in bed, I failed high school and had to do it again, while everyone else went to university.
I was forced to go to psychiatrists by my mom, i started taking pills and they never helped so i stopped taking them

After finally finishing high school, I went to university for a few months, I wasn't ok, I have social anxiety and I can't talk to people, I wanted to run away or do something else, I decided to postpone university, I got a full time job, and every time I get home my dad would tell me that work doesn't make me a real man, and that I'm still a failure, he compared me to other people.



I feel broken, my soul is very broken and I can't stop crying, I stopped going to work, I can't get outside my room, I can't eat or sleep properly, I'm starting to feel physically sick
The thing that hurts me the most is loneliness, I really want to be loved, I really wish someone cared about me, I wish someone would tell me they're proud of me.
But I hate myself too, I realized my dad is right, but I didn't ask to be born, I wish life wasn't so cruel.

I want to die, I really want to peacefully exit this life, I know I can't keep going and I realize I don't belong in this life, I don't see a future where I will be ok. I already feel like I'm dead, I feel so disconnected from life
I don't want to keep suffering, my eyes start tearing up as soon as I wake up
I'm tired of acting like I'm ok, I wish someone knew how I felt, I want to scream. I'm tired of the fake smiles, fake laughs. I tried to get better in many different ways and nothing worked.
It really hurts, I feel like no matter how much I type I will never be able to express how sad, broken and hurt I am, I feel my heart and soul aching every single moment of the day.

I finally took the decision to kill myself, but I wish it was easier, even exiting this life is hard, I don't have a solid plan yet but I'm thinking about an exit bag using helium gas, I feel nervous but I know this is what I want and I know this is the right decision, I really wish it was easy, I wish I could just press on a button to disappear and not exist anymore.

 

[iloverachel]

I am so sorry my friend, loneliness is the worst!
I would love to be your friend

 

[FuneralCry]

It truly is so incredibly horrible to me how one cannot just choose to easily die in peace, having the option to just be permanently unconcious would be such a relief for me. But anyway it really sounds like you've suffered so much, it really is cruel how people suffer so unbearably in this existence, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[errorsinmypast]

I'm sorry your dad is so downright cruel with you, it makes me feel so sorry. The sad fact is you wont be even half as bad a person as you feel, but when someone tells you over and over that you're bad..... you start to believe it, feel it and eventually become it. This is what people do to us, they take our power and we become to fragile to take it back. So sorry for your pain.