CapitánBeto
Member
- Aug 3, 2019
- 40
So, last Wednesday I went to see my psychiatrist and told them I've been very volatile lately.
I told them I've had various depressive episodes and recurring suicidal thoughts.
I told them about this forum.
I told them I'd taken 12 times the dose of benzos I usually take to sleep.
So... They didn't like that one bit and threaten to hospitalize me.
They basically wanted to double my medication and involve my parents.
I don't like the idea of taking more meds bc I feel they will mess up with my head and I need it for work and college.
I've also gotten into chess and I want to improve.
Anyways, I made the mistake of giving them my father's number, whom they called (fortunately the call was disconnected at some point).
My parents got very worried and they tried to reach me.
I was angry, my parents kept calling my cellphone.
I got into that mood where it's just hate and I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. I was thinking of CTB.
I already know the method, nitrogen. I researched it years ago when I first joined this forum.
I thought: "This time, I'm a self-sufficient adult, I can get the supplies myself. I could do it alone at home or book a hotel. I could travel".
For a moment, I realize I had more liberty than I used to when I was younger.
Ironically, going to the shrink and they involving my parents took me closer than ever to CTB.
God be my witness, if I'd had the supplies ready I would have done it.
Exit bag takes preparation, it is a sophisticated method.
All of this happened while I walked like 15 blocks to the theater. I enjoyed touring the city.
I got into the theater and bought myself a ticket to the ballet. Onegin.
I love ballet. I'd love to take lessons but I'm embarrassed to do so bc I'm a very bad dancer.
Then I kept walking further, I went pass the obelisk and took a sit at a cafe.
Usually I would have had a fully fledged brunch but I was feeling sick and stressed out so I only had a tea.
I did some research on the exit bag method, how to get supplies, etc.
Then I shifted to playing chess I think...
The traffic was a mess so I couldn't get home yet, and I didn't want to pay 20 bucks for a cab.
I realized that there was another theater nearby and they were hosting a ballet gala in an hour.
While I waited for the show to start, I toured the place and sneaked into a conference room with a large, beautiful horseshoe-shaped table.
It must have had years... and probably belonged to a patrician family and it was at some point stolen by the peronists in the 40s or so.
I finally enjoyed the ballet gala and went back home. Probably have sth nice for dinner (I don't remember what)...
I told my therapist (not my shrink) I want to stop taking sessions. I feel they are useless.
With all due respect to any psychoanalysts out there, I feel psychoanalysis is basically sitting down and talk bs for half an hour.
So no more of that.
I also haven't followed my shrink's instructions of doubling my medication.
I will postpone my next session bc I'll be busy studying for college and I also want to go on a small vacation.
Right now I'm feeling good.
Until my next depressive episode, fellows...
I told them I've had various depressive episodes and recurring suicidal thoughts.
I told them about this forum.
I told them I'd taken 12 times the dose of benzos I usually take to sleep.
So... They didn't like that one bit and threaten to hospitalize me.
They basically wanted to double my medication and involve my parents.
I don't like the idea of taking more meds bc I feel they will mess up with my head and I need it for work and college.
I've also gotten into chess and I want to improve.
Anyways, I made the mistake of giving them my father's number, whom they called (fortunately the call was disconnected at some point).
My parents got very worried and they tried to reach me.
I was angry, my parents kept calling my cellphone.
I got into that mood where it's just hate and I don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. I was thinking of CTB.
I already know the method, nitrogen. I researched it years ago when I first joined this forum.
I thought: "This time, I'm a self-sufficient adult, I can get the supplies myself. I could do it alone at home or book a hotel. I could travel".
For a moment, I realize I had more liberty than I used to when I was younger.
Ironically, going to the shrink and they involving my parents took me closer than ever to CTB.
God be my witness, if I'd had the supplies ready I would have done it.
Exit bag takes preparation, it is a sophisticated method.
All of this happened while I walked like 15 blocks to the theater. I enjoyed touring the city.
I got into the theater and bought myself a ticket to the ballet. Onegin.
I love ballet. I'd love to take lessons but I'm embarrassed to do so bc I'm a very bad dancer.
Then I kept walking further, I went pass the obelisk and took a sit at a cafe.
Usually I would have had a fully fledged brunch but I was feeling sick and stressed out so I only had a tea.
I did some research on the exit bag method, how to get supplies, etc.
Then I shifted to playing chess I think...
The traffic was a mess so I couldn't get home yet, and I didn't want to pay 20 bucks for a cab.
I realized that there was another theater nearby and they were hosting a ballet gala in an hour.
While I waited for the show to start, I toured the place and sneaked into a conference room with a large, beautiful horseshoe-shaped table.
It must have had years... and probably belonged to a patrician family and it was at some point stolen by the peronists in the 40s or so.
I finally enjoyed the ballet gala and went back home. Probably have sth nice for dinner (I don't remember what)...
I told my therapist (not my shrink) I want to stop taking sessions. I feel they are useless.
With all due respect to any psychoanalysts out there, I feel psychoanalysis is basically sitting down and talk bs for half an hour.
So no more of that.
I also haven't followed my shrink's instructions of doubling my medication.
I will postpone my next session bc I'll be busy studying for college and I also want to go on a small vacation.
Right now I'm feeling good.
Until my next depressive episode, fellows...
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