My reason

[wishyouwell]

I was raped by someone that I trusted a countless number of times from 16 to 17 years old. It only stopped because I moved away for college. I'm 20 now. It's the first thing I think about every single day. I don't want to be alive. Existing in my skin is torture. I'm too afraid to kill myself. Does anyone understand?

 

[Life_and_Death]

i would prefer to pm you this but you dont have enough posts
have you been on aftersilence?

 

[Pluto]

It hurts to read this. I wish I could have been there to protect you. You always deserved to be safe from horrible violence like this.

Please consider trying to get support with counselling and PTSD therapies before giving up. And taking legal action against your attacker if possible. You are not the one who deserves to die.

 

[wishyouwell]

i would prefer to pm you this but you dont have enough posts
have you been on aftersilence?

I've seen the site before but I appreciate the suggestion.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I've seen the site before but I appreciate the suggestion.

its not really for me but suggesting never hurts. i personally think it would be more wrong not to suggest it.
anyway the suggestion aside, i understand

 

[wishyouwell]

It hurts to read this. I wish I could have been there to protect you. You always deserved to be safe from horrible violence like this.

Please consider trying to get support with counselling and PTSD therapies before giving up. And taking legal action against your attacker if possible. You are not the one who deserves to die.

You're the first person who has ever said that to me, thank you....

I tried to take legal action and it was a traumatic event in itself. I was in therapy for the three years with an amazing therapist but I stopped a couple months ago because I'm tired of it. Nothing will change the injustice that occurred. I'll never be able to get rid of the memories. This is misery. I may not deserve to die but my god I dont know how much longer I can bear living in this body. I can't escape my own skin and it's revolting

 

[Rounded Agony]

@Pluto said it best...anything I add is just in the spirit of hoping to help. Knowing nothing of your history and experience of therapy, it is possible you had a great therapist but their techniques weren't what you needed to heal from this. Part of why therapy is such a challenge; you need a good provider both in terms of how you connect, and what they can do for you outside of session time. There are so many treatment modalities and everyone has their own needs.

I have never had the extreme misfortune of being in a situation like this, and not to imply "this will happen for you because x", but know several people who have who, with time and the right tools, were able to transcend the atrocity. You may not be able to shed it forever, but learning to live in balance with it is at least possible for some.

All the best to you.

 

[Pluto]

You're the first person who has ever said that to me, thank you....

You are welcome. I mean what I say, too.

I never had to endure the level of violence that you describe, but I have spent countless years dealing with the aftermath of being tormented by my family, and school bullies, throughout my childhood. As a young adult, I became isolated in my own little hell, terrified of intimacy. My central nervous system went haywire in social situations and I suffered with jealousy of 'normal people' and the way they can effortlessly and satisfyingly connect with each other. I started to lose motivation to keep fighting and have had a background of suicidal ideation all along. Seeing me in the throes of depression, the family responded by branding me 'autistic' so that their role in abusing me could be covered up and I would be to blame for my struggles to function.

Anyway, there's only one reason I'm still trying to survive: love. Like you, I've seen some of the worst of humanity. The building up and then shattering of trust. The savage cruelty when we are most vulnerable. The demonic narcissism. The total apathy to leaving another person in utter ruins. The supreme injustice.

And yet, there's a part of me that is curious to know the other side of life before I die. Maybe I could one day hold a loved one in my arms, to be their knight of protection from harm, to comfort them in times of distress, to empower them to enjoy life and to always honour the sacred gift of their trust. Not only would it be an incredible joy, not only would it be a powerful statement that I am that love, but it would also be a mighty "Fuck you" to my family, who can rot in the little world of cruelty and dysfunction that they cling to.

I know how it feels to want to escape the pain at any cost, and I respect whatever decision you make. You're never alone. But I thought I'd share my story in case it might give you any strength to push on. Much love to you. :)

 

[jodes2]

I'm sorry you went through that, sorry you're still suffering

 

[Orchidia]

I am sorry you had to go through that

 

[Nirrend]

I was raped by someone that I trusted a countless number of times from 16 to 17 years old. It only stopped because I moved away for college. I'm 20 now. It's the first thing I think about every single day. I don't want to be alive. Existing in my skin is torture. I'm too afraid to kill myself. Does anyone understand?

Hi sweet @wishyouwell

I'm sorry you had to go through such a horrible thing ❤

Rape, like so many other things in life, is an event that has devastating consequences for the victim...

Reading you, I have the feeling that the suffering has become totally unbearable.

It is understandable and from the bottom of my heart, I would have thought of suicide too

I imagine that this rape for you, has completely put into question the whole of your life and everything around you

You feel betrayed, sullied, you wonder about your loved ones "will they rape me too", I imagine that sometimes you don't know anymore what can be interpreted as an abuse or not and gradually your mind becomes obsessed by the risk of reliving such things.

The feeling of being dirty is also hellish, as if the person had deposited in us a poison that grew with us, creating a disgust of oneself, but also a deep feeling of being repulsive, of loneliness.

The desire to hurt oneself to evacuate the event

I think that your desire to commit suicide represents in some way a desire to eradicate this event from your life forever?

I think I understand the state you are in today ❤

I have the feeling that you didn't talk about it, maybe I'm wrong, but I have the feeling that you are struggling with it alone

That you're ashamed of it, that you don't want to break the ones you love and who love you

You know, of course there will be a shock, but the people who love you won't blame you, they'll blame your tormentor

We also respect you, you can't imagine how much ❤

I know it's very complicated, but I assure you, talk about it, cry and get it all out

I think you want to keep your strength by moving forward with it on a daily basis but, you are stuck in a stoicism that eats away at you day after day

It's like you've taken a detour without knowing where that road will take you. At the beginning you move forward, the event seems so unlikely that you forget it or maybe you don't really measure what you have just experienced.

Then, in fact, this deviation ends up leading us back to the obstacle on the road

But now you see that you can't go on

Anyway, I think you understand perfectly

Your suffering is terrible, we respect it a lot and you are not alone here ❤

I thank you for talking to us about this, for trusting us

So now, have confidence in yourself, explain everything that breaks you day after day to people around you, to health professionals, cry your eyes out and finally come back to us relieved ❤

You're extremely brave, talking about it doesn't make you any less of a fighter than you already are ❤

Keep us posted, write to us, confide in us along with your loved ones if we can make you feel better ❤

We love you beautiful soul ❤

Good luck, keep us posted!

You have our full support ❤

Love ❤