My reason to ctb

[Truth1234]

I just wanted to share what triggered me into depression and why I want to ctb. I have a good job, did well academically. Started dating bf who is academically gifted eight years ago. My parents did not have much time while growing up. My two elder brothers were also quite distant. I grew up, studied abroad, and travelled the world with bf who is(was) my best friend. Now he wants me to do a even better job, otherwise he will not marry me. He has given me one year. Ever since his ultimatum, I am having sleepless nights. I wonder, has he been using me? I lost my sense of productivity and the will to live. Cannot eat or even if I eat cannot digest anything. I don't think I can trust anyone anymore.
Thank you for listening to me vent. Although I know it would make my parents sad, and I will probably not ctb right now because of them.. but I know I will never know and find anyone like him again. A best friend, a soulmate. Ps. He has a terminal illness. But I chose to be with him despite of it. And now he is giving me conditions.

 

[FuneralCry]

I guess that after all, you simply cannot trust people as they will likely betray you and just create more suffering. It's just so unfair what you have to go through and it sounds really tiring, I personally think that it's always for the best to just be alone.

 

[Bardo]

So, what I hear you saying is that he is holding you up to standards he sets for you and that if you fall short of what he demands, he will no longer be with you? Could you give an example? I know we feel incredible pain at having wasted so much time with a person, as all people who've divorced after years together, can attest. But it's good you're finding this out now, before you really got entangled with, say, children (if you were considering). Everyone gas conditions and expectations of another. But what they are and to what degree and how rigid or flexible other is determines a lot.

 

[HybridSpectre]

From what I see, your bf is in a relationship with you because of what you can do and your material possesions but not because of you are as a person. A partner who gives ultimatums either thinks that they're better than you and so think that gives them to right to *demand* anything of you OR has a plan to fall back on like a side chick incase this relationship erodes. Such a relationship is really dangerous since it can fall apart at any time because as human beings we're bound to mess up many times and a narcissistic person could easily take anything as a reason to end it because they don't value you enough.

Also, such relationships have the tendency to become abusive because your bf gets to demands anything of you and expects total submission from you lest he gets angry and does something that'll make you regret marrying him. If your bf doesn't see you as the sweet, loving person you are they don't deserve you. You deserve someone you love and who reciprocates that love in equal measure if not more. Someone who would gladly stay with you through thick and thin despite material challenges all because he loves you for who you are and NOT what you have.

I notice that, like me, you tend to be overly conscious of what other people tell you, and as a result you overthink, blowing it out of proportion. Try as much as you can, however hard, to relegate those thoughts that give you sleepless nights to the back of your mind. If everything goes according to plan, this would probably become a nightmare you just shrug off.

My advice to you is just end it. You don't owe your bf anything, especially not your life (as in hand in marriage). We're all struggling to make it through this shitty life. Ending it may seem like the world's about to end but that's your mind overthinking it. I'm not gonna promise you that you'll find a better soulmate than your bf, but statistically it's not impossible. So take your chances at finding true love. Maybe you will, maybe life get's too bitchy and the opposite happens. It's better than ending up in an abusive relationship anyway.

 

[Truth1234]

From what I see, your bf is in a relationship with you because of what you can do and your material possesions but not because of you are as a person. A partner who gives ultimatums either thinks that they're better than you and so think that gives them to right to *demand* anything of you OR has a plan to fall back on like a side chick incase this relationship erodes. Such a relationship is really dangerous since it can fall apart at any time because as human beings we're bound to mess up many times and a narcissistic person could easily take anything as a reason to end it because they don't value you enough.

Also, such relationships have the tendency to become abusive because your bf gets to demands anything of you and expects total submission from you lest he gets angry and does something that'll make you regret marrying him. If your bf doesn't see you as the sweet, loving person you are they don't deserve you. You deserve someone you love and who reciprocates that love in equal measure if not more. Someone who would gladly stay with you through thick and thin despite material challenges all because he loves you for who you are and NOT what you have.

I notice that, like me, you tend to be overly conscious of what other people tell you, and as a result you overthink, blowing it out of proportion. Try as much as you can, however hard, to relegate those thoughts that give you sleepless nights to the back of your mind. If everything goes according to plan, this would probably become a nightmare you just shrug off.

My advice to you is just end it. You don't owe your bf anything, especially not your life (as in hand in marriage). We're all struggling to make it through this shitty life. Ending it may seem like the world's about to end but that's your mind overthinking it. I'm not gonna promise you that you'll find a better soulmate than your bf, but statistically it's not impossible. So take your chances at finding true love. Maybe you will, maybe life get's too bitchy and the opposite happens. It's better than ending up in an abusive relationship anyway.

The issue is, that he is caring and supportive in every other way. He is quite connected to family unlike me. He is caring for everyone. He is saying that I used to be more career focused and now I am not anymore, and this ultimatum is only for my best. Well maybe he is right. But something is making me quit the rat race. Maybe my depression, or this foul world. Thank you for the kind advice.

 

[Bardo]

The issue is, that he is caring and supportive in every other way. He is quite connected to family unlike me. He is caring for everyone. He is saying that I used to be more career focused and now I am not anymore, and this ultimatum is only for my best. Well maybe he is right. But something is making me quit the rat race. Maybe my depression, or this foul world. Thank you for the kind advice.

If you have a less Capitalist-competitive bent and a more introspective-non-consumption-based mentality, some might view that as breaking free of the programming we've all received and been subject to since infancy. We do live in a viciously competitive dog-eat-world. I do understand. I dropped out of that bullshit for the most part when about 17. Though I busted my ass doing my jobs--in leadership positions as well, with much responsibility--and had a fantastic work ethic, I always strove to be true to what I value. I value the intangible versus the money grab. If money comes, it does. Balance is what's needed.

Your bf might be a great guy, but why is he so invested in seeing you get a heart attack working, and for what? He is afraid of something, is my guess. Whether it's death, uncertainty, lack of control, I'm guessing there's something in him which is driving this as fear-based. Otherwise, respectfully, in my view, he's completely bought into the societal-cultural programming and has zero or minimal introspective capacity for things non-material. That's my two cents.

Btw, I've had numerous great romances--and some not so great---in my nearly sixty years with gals from Ford models to everyday waitresses and divorcees to NYU grad students songwriters, whatever. There are many with whom you can find compatibility. Unfortunately, built in is an egg timer. And that egg timer is different for all relationships. It goes off sooner than other times. Keep breathing, Hon, and be true to yourself. You're the only one of you there is and your life is yours to explore on your own terms, not another's or via the dictates of a shallow, rapacious, unconscious culture.

 

[VioletNight]

It's really weird that he's hinging your entire relationship on you getting a "better job" even though you say you have a good job. I'd try to talk to him and see if there's some other reason he's making this ultimatum because it seems rather ridiculous. Also good on you for being with him even though he has a terminal illness, it shows how much you truly care about him, and I can't imagine how difficult that is. You deserve the same love back.

 

[mayirestinchaos]

Is it okay for you to end this relationship? Maybe stay alone and focus on your career again? Or seek for another one? You don't deserve that hardship, for you are a such talented and intelligent person. Always put yourself first and be brave to do what you want.

You seem like an Asian woman. If it is wrong, sorry for stereotyping.