Discussion My parents and one aunt are the only reasons i didn't commit suicide yet, to be honest.

[TheCuriousityDude]

So if you've read my other posts on this website thus far, you've know I've been contemplating with suicide a bit...I won't go into detail about them, but in short, I have suffered from permanent anhedonia from every since the first moment I can remember...at like 3 or 4 years old in pre-school. More details can be found on these 2 other posts I made if you're that interested. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-by-lack-of-oxygen.5933/ and https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...old-who-lives-at-home-to-commit-suicide.6273/

But when I truly think about it, for now I don't think it's worth it in the long run. Not because of myself, but because of my parents and one aunt of mine.

Though they're not always super affectionate 100% of the time, I'm very clearly their world, and a lot of things they do and have done are to help me.

My mom and dad get me pretty much everything I want that's possible for them to get me (food, clothes, electronic devices, when I was little a heck load of toys, etc), my mom makes frickin' good food almost every single day and usually offers me the most food out of the 3 people in the house (me, dad, and mom), my dad though he can't cook usually makes a really good sandwich or something, whenever I need something for school they always get it for me, they've bought products to help with my acne, etc...and the list goes on and on and on.

Sometimes in the past they were a little bit mean to me...but only in my eyes, because I can't take a joke. You know how nobody's perfect, right? And you know how sometimes friends jokingly pick at each other's imperfections for fun, to embrace that we're all humans with room for important? That's kind of what they did to me. But I never understood social cues and always took playful jokes as insults.

They also were always very nice to me and pointed out things I'm good at, too. I'm rather good looking among-st most of my peers, am rather good at drawing, am rather good at writing, my goods were grade at one point, etc. They very clearly embraced and appreciated all that.

So very clearly, they would be very hurt if I committed suicide. Especially now, that I live under the same roof. Plus, we're not American citizens...we're from Brazil and we've been here since I was 5 and a half years old, and I'm 17 today...we've never gotten our Green Card in all that time. So committing suicide I'd put them in very deep trouble. So now only would it hurt them emotionally, but with the law as well.

Also, there's this one aunt from my father's side who stayed in Brazil, who cares for me as much as my parents do. She was basically like my second mother for the time we were in Brazil. But unlike my actual parents, she "spoiled" me a lot more. Both with more affection, and because she got me "literally" everything I wanted. Aka, she was really soft on me, heh.

To this day, all the way from Brazil, she still sends me money and clothes, and we keep in contact on social media, and she sends me loving messages everyday...so clearly, she'd be about just as hurt as my parents if I commited suicide.

Anyone else besides my parents and that one aunt, fuck them though, they don't care about me. I have some teachers at school I'm in rather good terms with, and I have a few casual friends (not super close though), and on Facebook I keep in touch with some relatives outside of my parents and aunt who I know online but never ever met in real life...but they'd all forget about my death really quickly, though. My parents and aunt would be the only ones who truly care.

So therefore, my overall suicide plan...I'll move out, got to any college I'm able to get into good average or bad, get any job I can settle with...and just keep on going with life living on my own till both my parents and that one aunt dies.

My mother is currently 39, my father is 52, and that aunt is 69. Rather big age gaps in between them, but that's my family for ya...by the looks of it it's obvious who will go first and who will last the longest, but yeah.

If I'm THAT depressed and can't take it much longer than I'll just simply wait till I've moved out and it's been a couple of years...after all, my parents are not in good terms with each other at the moment, so they might blame each other and break up due to my suicide.

But if I'm like 28 years old, have been living on my own since 20 years old, have a terrible job, can barely pay my rent, etc...they'll think I committed suicide on my own terms, and not due to them. Which is exactly what I want.

 

[worldexploder]

The way I see it, our parents were the ones that imposed life on us to begin with so why should we be obligated to stay. We didn't agree to be their human heroin needles and if they love us, they would want us to achieve our endeavors. Then again I was never close to my paternal parents.

Until this year, my aunt was against assisted suicide for people like us. Now she believes that if it were legal for me, not only would she support it but she would help me go.

Only thing stopping her is the fear of getting into legal trouble - which is understandable. Never thought she would come around like she has. It took years of convincing.

She use to be a hardcore Mormon. Even her cousin and her cousins mother believes in my right to die and they attend Mormon church every Sunday. It only took me 3 beers worth of talking to them when they came to visit this summer. They told my aunt "if he's that miserable then maybe he should have the right to end his life" - according to what my aunt told me. Well that pleasantly shocked the fuck out of me. If I can convince my family maybe I can convince the nation and the world!

With life comes suffering and death. No matter who goes first - you or your family, someone is going to be morning a loss.

 

[Sayo]

I think living for others, or even just one's own ethical feelings, is a fine choice. It can always be revisited. There are people on here in similar situations, with close family ties or dependents.

Also, you are at a stage in your life where, if you were interested in fully committing to giving life a go, you could forge genuinely caring bonds and try to get better. Unfortunately what you describe is the nature of a lot of relationships that aren't familial or very intimate friendships. It can be lonely if you are the kind of person who would rather have a few very close friends rather than a wide circle. But effort into maintaining those kinds of relationships lasts.

Anhedonia makes it brutal though because pain becomes worth a lot more. It's hard and I understand if you just want to do your best by your family for as long as you feel able.

 

[TheFool]

Alternatively, you could make your suicide look like an accident. That doesn't save them from being sad about it obviously, but at least they wouldn't take it personally. Of course that makes things more complicated than simply, say, blowing your brains out, but I wouldn't think it's much more complicated than staying alive for another decade and going through the motions of a life you never wanted to live.

The way I see it, our parents were the ones that imposed life on us to begin with so why should we be obligated to stay. We didn't agree to be their human heroin needles and if they love us, they would want us to achieve our endeavors...

With life comes suffering and death. No matter who goes first - you or your family, someone is going to be morning a loss.

Couldn't agree more.

 

[worldexploder]

Alternatively, you could make your suicide look like an accident. That doesn't save them from being sad about it obviously, but at least they wouldn't take it personally. Of course that makes things more complicated than simply, say, blowing your brains out, but I wouldn't think it's much more complicated than staying alive for another decade and going through the motions of a life you never wanted to live.


Couldn't agree more.

Thank you man! My aunt believes in my right to self determination though she said she would hate to see me go. Said if it wasn't for the possibly of her getting into legal trouble she would help me. I convinced 2 other relatives as well (which shocked me because they are hardcore Mormons). My ex wife also supports my cause. Not to brag but I'm very good with semantics and explaining things in a clear and consistent way. Far better than I'm able to type it out due to my dyslexia. The key is consistency my friend.

 

[TheCuriousityDude]

I think living for others, or even just one's own ethical feelings, is a fine choice. It can always be revisited. There are people on here in similar situations, with close family ties or dependents.

Also, you are at a stage in your life where, if you were interested in fully committing to giving life a go, you could forge genuinely caring bonds and try to get better. Unfortunately what you describe is the nature of a lot of relationships that aren't familial or very intimate friendships. It can be lonely if you are the kind of person who would rather have a few very close friends rather than a wide circle. But effort into maintaining those kinds of relationships lasts.

Anhedonia makes it brutal though because pain becomes worth a lot more. It's hard and I understand if you just want to do your best by your family for as long as you feel able.

I can commit to giving life a go, but I'm not interested in forging genuinely caring bonds, for many personal reasons.

Before I commit to any type of genuinely caring bonds...whether it's growing closer to the teachers, classmates, and outside relatives I'm not so close to at the moment, any future friends in college or work, or a relationship with a guy or girl (I'm bisexual, btw)...I'm just not interested in the moment. Right now, my one and only goal is to find security within myself.

There hasn't been one second I've been alive without thinking, "You're just not good enough! You blow! You're the scum of the Earth! No matter how hard you try, you'll just always be below your peers in every single way possible! Everyone else deserves to live but you in specific deserve to die!" Rather pathetic, I know, but it's how I think, truly.

And sometimes, I inflicted this pain upon others, too. I'd lose my temper whenever someone had a different opinion than me, because I didn't fit in with them, and so to try to make myself look strong, I just sort of dissed them. Online in competitive video games I'd always curse out my opponent for beating me. In sports I'd get visually upset at my opponent for scoring more points. At school, even when I was becoming relatively good friends with someone, I'd quickly start to shun them if they showed opposing views to my own. Sometimes I even did this type of stuff to my loving parents and aunt when I got really riled up.

But the problem was NEVER my peers...it was me. I had always known it, but it took me a while to actually admit to my problems. Therefore, I can't let myself get too close to anyone prior to self-improvement, or else I'll just damage everyone around me. Whether it's through a therapist, a new stress relieving hobby...I just gotta get my shit together before I worry about meaningful relationships.

Yeah, anhedonia is pretty fucking brutal alright...I'll hang in as long as I can for my 3 family members, and just see where it goes from there.

Thank you so much for leaving a response on this thread, and sorry if my reply to you came off as a rant only focusing on one topic.

 

[worldexploder]

I can commit to giving life a go, but I'm not interested in forging genuinely caring bonds, for many personal reasons.

Before I commit to any type of genuinely caring bonds...whether it's growing closer to the teachers, classmates, and outside relatives I'm not so close to at the moment, any future friends in college or work, or a relationship with a guy or girl (I'm bisexual, btw)...I'm just not interested in the moment. Right now, my one and only goal is to find security within myself.

There hasn't been one second I've been alive without thinking, "You're just not good enough! You blow! You're the scum of the Earth! No matter how hard you try, you'll just always be below your peers in every single way possible! Everyone else deserves to live but you in specific deserve to die!" Rather pathetic, I know, but it's how I think, truly.

And sometimes, I inflicted this pain upon others, too. I'd lose my temper whenever someone had a different opinion than me, because I didn't fit in with them, and so to try to make myself look strong, I just sort of dissed them. Online in competitive video games I'd always curse out my opponent for beating me. In sports I'd get visually upset at my opponent for scoring more points. At school, even when I was becoming relatively good friends with someone, I'd quickly start to shun them if they showed opposing views to my own. Sometimes I even did this type of stuff to my loving parents and aunt when I got really riled up.

But the problem was NEVER my peers...it was me. I had always known it, but it took me a while to actually admit to my problems. Therefore, I can't let myself get too close to anyone prior to self-improvement, or else I'll just damage everyone around me. Whether it's through a therapist, a new stress relieving hobby...I just gotta get my shit together before I worry about meaningful relationships.

Yeah, anhedonia is pretty fucking brutal alright...I'll hang in as long as I can for my 3 family members, and just see where it goes from there.

Thank you so much for leaving a response on this thread, and sorry if my reply to you came off as a rant only focusing on one topic.

Anhedonia is the worst! I have it and had it for years. Have you ever gotten so depressed that everything sort of seems Smokey and grey? It has for me many times. Not like a hallucination, just that everything seems very dim. It's hard to discribe.

 

[Sayo]

I can commit to giving life a go, but I'm not interested in forging genuinely caring bonds, for many personal reasons.

Before I commit to any type of genuinely caring bonds...whether it's growing closer to the teachers, classmates, and outside relatives I'm not so close to at the moment, any future friends in college or work, or a relationship with a guy or girl (I'm bisexual, btw)...I'm just not interested in the moment. Right now, my one and only goal is to find security within myself.

There hasn't been one second I've been alive without thinking, "You're just not good enough! You blow! You're the scum of the Earth! No matter how hard you try, you'll just always be below your peers in every single way possible! Everyone else deserves to live but you in specific deserve to die!" Rather pathetic, I know, but it's how I think, truly.

And sometimes, I inflicted this pain upon others, too. I'd lose my temper whenever someone had a different opinion than me, because I didn't fit in with them, and so to try to make myself look strong, I just sort of dissed them. Online in competitive video games I'd always curse out my opponent for beating me. In sports I'd get visually upset at my opponent for scoring more points. At school, even when I was becoming relatively good friends with someone, I'd quickly start to shun them if they showed opposing views to my own. Sometimes I even did this type of stuff to my loving parents and aunt when I got really riled up.

But the problem was NEVER my peers...it was me. I had always known it, but it took me a while to actually admit to my problems. Therefore, I can't let myself get too close to anyone prior to self-improvement, or else I'll just damage everyone around me. Whether it's through a therapist, a new stress relieving hobby...I just gotta get my shit together before I worry about meaningful relationships.

Yeah, anhedonia is pretty fucking brutal alright...I'll hang in as long as I can for my 3 family members, and just see where it goes from there.

Thank you so much for leaving a response on this thread, and sorry if my reply to you came off as a rant only focusing on one topic.

No need to apologise. Thank you for sharing. You are very self-aware, from experience it only helps so much but it's one positive thing you have going for you at least if you try to change something. I also experience this feeling of worthlessness and low stress tolerance due to maladaptive perfectionism, and I empathise. My partner was also very much like you and we were able to overcome it.

I think the plans you have listed are good. Stress tolerance is a very learnable habit, and what anger is natural can be redirected into better expressions. Just try not to push everyone away from you pre emptively as a stand in for perfect self control. I wish I hadn't.

 

[Trashcan]

Alternatively, you could make your suicide look like an accident. That doesn't save them from being sad about it obviously, but at least they wouldn't take it personally. Of course that makes things more complicated than simply, say, blowing your brains out, but I wouldn't think it's much more complicated than staying alive for another decade and going through the motions of a life you never wanted to live.


Couldn't agree more.

How do you make your suicide look like an accident?

 

[TheFool]

How do you make your suicide look like an accident?

Autoerotic asphyxiation is one way, though it's not a very dignified death. It might actually be worse than just openly killing yourself in terms of shame.

I think if I were to make it look like an accident I'd either try to crash my car in a believable way, or I'd go on a solo hiking trip and get lost.

 

[TheCuriousityDude]

No need to apologise. Thank you for sharing. You are very self-aware, from experience it only helps so much but it's one positive thing you have going for you at least if you try to change something. I also experience this feeling of worthlessness and low stress tolerance due to maladaptive perfectionism, and I empathise. My partner was also very much like you and we were able to overcome it.

I think the plans you have listed are good. Stress tolerance is a very learnable habit, and what anger is natural can be redirected into better expressions. Just try not to push everyone away from you pre emptively as a stand in for perfect self control. I wish I hadn't.

Yeah, self-awareness is always a good thing. Kudos to you and your partner for overcoming feeling like shit! I myself should very well know it's not easy. It takes a lot of strength.

I won't necessarily push anyone away on purpose, but in general I've just always been a very quiety and reserved person. I don't necessarily hate social interaction altogether, but when I get to choose I'd rather just be alone. Not a new thing either, a lifelong thing since I was like 3 or 4.

If I can somehow find good friendships, great...but I won't go out of my way to do it, as I don't desire it.

Yeah, redirecting anger towards better things is an excellent tip! Thanks! And stress tolerance is quite difficult but not impossible to learn.