KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,510
Both the grief stemming from the loss of loved ones in my life, and the metaphorical grief arising from the loss of what could have been and the life I'll never have.
My first real loss (besides pets) was my father when I was 10 years old, and later a close friend who ctb when I was a teenager. I think these losses were a bit easier to cope with in the long-term, albeit extremely crushing at first, due to how distant and neglectful my father was. My friend had also been suicidal for a long time and subsequently abused in an adolescent psychiatric facility, so it was easier to process her death as I knew she has been struggling with no reprieve and had been utterly failed by the system. Both her and my father were troubled and had sought their peace for a long time.
As I got older though, the losses kept compounding. My grandfather who raised me was ill for a very long time and eventually passed in excruciating pain when I was 18. Watching my grandfather's decline was horrific, not only because I felt as if I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him, but because he was slowly choking and smothering to death due to lack of oxygen and had become bed-bound and delirious, forced to wear diapers, and emaciated.
This was a far cry from the man who raised me- the man who was creative, active, and constantly busy working with his hands, building and crafting new designs and contraptions that the average person wouldn't have ever imagined. All of the wonderful things my grandpa was, all of the achievements and success that had culminated across his lifetime, doomed to slowly slip away one by one like sand in an hourglass. There was so much knowledge and wisdom that my grandpa did not have the chance to pass on, then suddenly he was gone forever.
It's been 6 years and I am not over losing my grandpa, because he was the closest thing to a father I will ever have. A couple years after my grandpa left this world, so did my only aunt. My relationship with her was complicated as she had been so abusive and volatile throughout my childhood, but my aunt also played a big role in raising me and was a prominent figure in my childhood. I still have many fond memories before my aunt "flipped the switch" so to speak. Watching old movies like grease or 13 going on 30, going shopping together, being told stories about the high school life I never had and gushing over photos of her prom dresses.
Despite all of the horrible things she put me through, sometimes I pick up the phone and have the urge to call her, only to remember that she's been dead and gone for ages now. At the time of her death, we hadn't spoken in several years due to insensitive things she had said to me when I tried to give her another chance and mend some of the damage that had been dealt. Speaking of abusive relatives, my dad's mother was also an extremely abusive and unstable presence throughout my life who inevitably also passed on recently. My dad's father also does not speak to me and was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease, so I know it is only a matter of time before he is gone as well.
But I think in these past few weeks the universe dealt me my worst blow yet, of making my grandmother (who is the only relative I have left and the only person I can say who loves me with confidence) have an accident in front of me that caused her to shatter both her hip and arm. Before this, my grandma had 0 mobility issues and now she can't walk unassisted anymore. All of her independence and vitality was gone in an instant due to a stroke of bad luck. Since then she has experienced numerous complications and received subpar care from medical staff that has just made everything worse.
In such a short time, my grandma has lost so much weight and strength. Each and every time I have to take care of her, lifting her legs from the bed for her or adjusting her blankets for her and noticing how things she's become, I want to burst into tears because I know my grandma is not long for this world. She's the closest thing to a mother I've ever had, thus we have discussed extensively how completely and utterly alone I will be when she passes since I have no one else. It bothers me even worse because my university will not grant me a leave of absence and would require me to pay to repeat my entire master's degree (which I can't fucking do) and is forcing me to go back there, preventing me from spending precious time with the only person who cares about me!!
I can't cope with another loss, especially with the level of health problems I am struggling with, it is just too much. There is not only the grief that one experiences due to death, but also the grief of estrangement and other types of loss that deflates the very soul. Being abandoned by my mother at birth and given to her parents instead permanently impacted my self esteem and the course of my life, particularly due to the salience of my autism that necessitated extra care and nurture. Despite trying my best to get my mother to love me and to connect, it just isn't possible because we never bonded. It's the same with my sister, she feels no empathy or love towards me.
My mother has written me a letter apologizing for what she's done, but admitted clearly that from the day I was born she simply could not feel love and affection towards me. In another letter addressed to my grandfather a few years before he died, she thanked him and my grandmother for being there for me and my younger sister since we would never have loving parents. I cannot begin to describe how deeply it destroys you to be unwanted and unloved by your mother and father. On top of this I inherited some pretty nasty medical conditions from my mother that I was never informed of her having until it was far too late.
All I wanted in life really was to be surrounded by loving people and to not have so much trauma, yet I receive the exact opposite. The grief runs deep. It's a river of tears that never dries up. I lost my health, my dreams, my grandfather who adored me and built me wooden dollhouses and told me stories until I fell asleep next to him, my aunt who exposed me to so many great artists and films, my friend who was one of the few people to ever accept me, and then soon I will lose my grandmother... The only person who ever stayed up all night with me when I was sick, who supported me no matter what. My grandma changed my bedsheets, rocked me, cradled me and fed me, and now here I am doing these things for her in old age. This sort of regression, where you will eventually become the care taker of those who cared for you, is one of the most heartbreaking and absurd things about biological and the human experience.
I cannot even begin to articulate how CRUEL and HORRIBLE life is. How despicable it is that if you are ever blessed enough to experience any sort of love, it will always be taken away, and you may spend decades willing in it's absence. And everywhere else would likely insist that this is no reason to want to ctb and one copes over time, but I am more alone than ever before. I have spent days and days in complete solitude, unable to sleep due to PTSD and going over any old letters and cards belonging to my grandfather that I can find just to feel a little bit less alone in this miasma of pure sorrow. No one or nothing will ever replace what I lost. I think this grief will finally steer me towards the choice I need to make, to leave this awful world behind. I always told myself that ctb is guaranteed for me when my grandma is gone, the risk of homelessness is incredibly high and the impending grief is already ripping me apart completely in the wake of her failing health.
Every night I pray I will die in my sleep. There is nothing I would like more than to have a healthy body and to be reunited with my grandpa in the afterlife if such a thing existed.
My first real loss (besides pets) was my father when I was 10 years old, and later a close friend who ctb when I was a teenager. I think these losses were a bit easier to cope with in the long-term, albeit extremely crushing at first, due to how distant and neglectful my father was. My friend had also been suicidal for a long time and subsequently abused in an adolescent psychiatric facility, so it was easier to process her death as I knew she has been struggling with no reprieve and had been utterly failed by the system. Both her and my father were troubled and had sought their peace for a long time.
As I got older though, the losses kept compounding. My grandfather who raised me was ill for a very long time and eventually passed in excruciating pain when I was 18. Watching my grandfather's decline was horrific, not only because I felt as if I hadn't gotten to spend enough time with him, but because he was slowly choking and smothering to death due to lack of oxygen and had become bed-bound and delirious, forced to wear diapers, and emaciated.
This was a far cry from the man who raised me- the man who was creative, active, and constantly busy working with his hands, building and crafting new designs and contraptions that the average person wouldn't have ever imagined. All of the wonderful things my grandpa was, all of the achievements and success that had culminated across his lifetime, doomed to slowly slip away one by one like sand in an hourglass. There was so much knowledge and wisdom that my grandpa did not have the chance to pass on, then suddenly he was gone forever.
It's been 6 years and I am not over losing my grandpa, because he was the closest thing to a father I will ever have. A couple years after my grandpa left this world, so did my only aunt. My relationship with her was complicated as she had been so abusive and volatile throughout my childhood, but my aunt also played a big role in raising me and was a prominent figure in my childhood. I still have many fond memories before my aunt "flipped the switch" so to speak. Watching old movies like grease or 13 going on 30, going shopping together, being told stories about the high school life I never had and gushing over photos of her prom dresses.
Despite all of the horrible things she put me through, sometimes I pick up the phone and have the urge to call her, only to remember that she's been dead and gone for ages now. At the time of her death, we hadn't spoken in several years due to insensitive things she had said to me when I tried to give her another chance and mend some of the damage that had been dealt. Speaking of abusive relatives, my dad's mother was also an extremely abusive and unstable presence throughout my life who inevitably also passed on recently. My dad's father also does not speak to me and was diagnosed with a neurodegenerative disease, so I know it is only a matter of time before he is gone as well.
But I think in these past few weeks the universe dealt me my worst blow yet, of making my grandmother (who is the only relative I have left and the only person I can say who loves me with confidence) have an accident in front of me that caused her to shatter both her hip and arm. Before this, my grandma had 0 mobility issues and now she can't walk unassisted anymore. All of her independence and vitality was gone in an instant due to a stroke of bad luck. Since then she has experienced numerous complications and received subpar care from medical staff that has just made everything worse.
In such a short time, my grandma has lost so much weight and strength. Each and every time I have to take care of her, lifting her legs from the bed for her or adjusting her blankets for her and noticing how things she's become, I want to burst into tears because I know my grandma is not long for this world. She's the closest thing to a mother I've ever had, thus we have discussed extensively how completely and utterly alone I will be when she passes since I have no one else. It bothers me even worse because my university will not grant me a leave of absence and would require me to pay to repeat my entire master's degree (which I can't fucking do) and is forcing me to go back there, preventing me from spending precious time with the only person who cares about me!!
I can't cope with another loss, especially with the level of health problems I am struggling with, it is just too much. There is not only the grief that one experiences due to death, but also the grief of estrangement and other types of loss that deflates the very soul. Being abandoned by my mother at birth and given to her parents instead permanently impacted my self esteem and the course of my life, particularly due to the salience of my autism that necessitated extra care and nurture. Despite trying my best to get my mother to love me and to connect, it just isn't possible because we never bonded. It's the same with my sister, she feels no empathy or love towards me.
My mother has written me a letter apologizing for what she's done, but admitted clearly that from the day I was born she simply could not feel love and affection towards me. In another letter addressed to my grandfather a few years before he died, she thanked him and my grandmother for being there for me and my younger sister since we would never have loving parents. I cannot begin to describe how deeply it destroys you to be unwanted and unloved by your mother and father. On top of this I inherited some pretty nasty medical conditions from my mother that I was never informed of her having until it was far too late.
All I wanted in life really was to be surrounded by loving people and to not have so much trauma, yet I receive the exact opposite. The grief runs deep. It's a river of tears that never dries up. I lost my health, my dreams, my grandfather who adored me and built me wooden dollhouses and told me stories until I fell asleep next to him, my aunt who exposed me to so many great artists and films, my friend who was one of the few people to ever accept me, and then soon I will lose my grandmother... The only person who ever stayed up all night with me when I was sick, who supported me no matter what. My grandma changed my bedsheets, rocked me, cradled me and fed me, and now here I am doing these things for her in old age. This sort of regression, where you will eventually become the care taker of those who cared for you, is one of the most heartbreaking and absurd things about biological and the human experience.
I cannot even begin to articulate how CRUEL and HORRIBLE life is. How despicable it is that if you are ever blessed enough to experience any sort of love, it will always be taken away, and you may spend decades willing in it's absence. And everywhere else would likely insist that this is no reason to want to ctb and one copes over time, but I am more alone than ever before. I have spent days and days in complete solitude, unable to sleep due to PTSD and going over any old letters and cards belonging to my grandfather that I can find just to feel a little bit less alone in this miasma of pure sorrow. No one or nothing will ever replace what I lost. I think this grief will finally steer me towards the choice I need to make, to leave this awful world behind. I always told myself that ctb is guaranteed for me when my grandma is gone, the risk of homelessness is incredibly high and the impending grief is already ripping me apart completely in the wake of her failing health.
Every night I pray I will die in my sleep. There is nothing I would like more than to have a healthy body and to be reunited with my grandpa in the afterlife if such a thing existed.
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