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Quizzaci0us

Quizzaci0us

Little Frog
Apr 13, 2023
23
People always say "Oh, you'll want kids when you're older!"

No.

No I fucking won't.

Today, my neice spilled a bowl of cereal on the floor, and my mum just threw the rest of it down to add to the absolute filth that is our home. She's now on the verge of tears.

My sister is fucking delusional, and so are 99% of parents. Mine are in their fifties, so they're not bad. My mum has a lot of medical issues, including POTS, so she stays home and sits in a disgusting house all day. My dad has everything from anxiety to severe arthritis, and works his ass off every single day as a mechanic to not get paid shit. He's lost almost all feeling in his hands.

I'm adopted. My real mom got pregnant with me in prison, and is a diagnosed bipolar. She admitted to doing every single pill she could get her hands on, but never smoked anything while pregnant with me. I am now diagnosed with ASD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, with three CTB attempts, two by hanging and one overdose. Nobody besides my closest friend (and some ppl on the internet) know that I tried to hang myself, or that I cut myself.

My sister is from my parents. She got in a car wreck that could've killed her (due to drunk driving), and I wish it did. She got married to a dude, and after "trying for a baby" for a long while, gave birth to my neice.

The overdose was one night when my neice wouldn't stop crying. She had been at my house being taken care of by my parents for what seemed like weeks. I had cut myself so much, but it didn't help. I decided to take a few of my anxiety pills. Around 40. I went about the rest of my night acting happy. The feeling of being around my parents while they didn't know that an entire bottle of medicine was slowly settling into my body was lovely.

Later that night, I got paranoid, and decided to tell on myself. My dad drove me to the hostpital at midnight. I can't get in his truck anymore because it reminds me of that night. I sat in a hospital for 7 hours. Wide awake. For about a month after that, I found myself reliving the night. I would lay in bed with my arm out, feeling the pain of the IV in my elbow even when there was nothing there. I would roll up my sleeve and see blood.

I was 12.

When I was 13, I found someone to look at as a mom. My parents were mostly absent, and I had only seen my real mom once. So, I did what any 8th grader would do. I clung onto a female teacher. She was really nice. She talked to me every day after class, and I eventually ended up writing her long letters since we couldn't talk for that long. It was her idea. Just being around her made me really happy, like how I imagine kids feel around their mothers.

Then, one day, I gave her a note like I usually did. Her response was: "No. I don't want it. Go away."

After that, I skipped her class to cry and cut myself in the bathroom. After a couple more days, I was brought into the office. She had switched me out of her class. She didn't want me in her class anymore. After one day in my new classes, I went home and tied a noose. I didn't and still don't understand why she hated me all of a sudden. I never wrote anything bad or inappropriate, I only told her about my interests and how my days were.

That night, while my mum and neice were in the room right beside mine, I sobbed for a few hours, then said goodbye to all my stuffed animals, then did it. I kicked the stool out from under me, and felt free. All of my anxiety was gone. SI is a bitch, though. My legs reached out for my bed, and I stood up on it. After that, my hands loosened the noose.

After that, I texted my mum and begged to be homeschooled, which I now am.

A little bit after that, I got into gore. The worst videos I've seen are Funkytown and Ms. Pacman. It started with The Human Centipede movies, then A Serbian Film, then where I am now. I saw Funkytown and Ms. Pacman a few weeks ago, but I've revisited them a couple times. I feel numb. I can imagine the videos I've seen of dead people, and people hanging themselves in my head. It... feels weird.

Now, I use age regression. I've been watching Bluey a lot recently, and working on sewing a quilt.

My neice comes over every weekend. She reminds me of when I tried to kill myself. The scars on my arms are healed, but sometimes her crying and screaming is too much and I cut myself again. Our house is a mess, due to my dad never being home, and my mum being physically and mentally unable to clean. My sister texts my mum 24/7. My mum never gets a break.

I could help, but most of the time I'm trying to do something like draw or sew, or crying, and my mum feels too guilty to ask me to help most of the time. My mum says that it's worth it for my neice, but I don't think it is. My mum is 50 and taking care of a 1 year old almost by herself while my sister gets drunk and parties.

Parents are delusional.

-----

I'm trying to cope with Bluey and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, but even just getting out of bed is so draining. I can't regress to my little space whenever I think about my family. The real world is terrible. I'd give anything to be able to go to Italy and forget my current life.

I feel overweight and disgusting even at 95 pounds. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but used to struggle with throwing up my food a lot. Whenever my neice was over and I had to listen to my mum describe baby shit in inteicate detail, it was hard to eat. I threw up every day it seemed like, and couldn't even stand my spit in my mouth. I still occasionally do. The house is filthy, but I try and keep my room and bathroom clean.

But, since my neice's room is right beside mine, my mum has started using my bathroom. Even when my neice isn't here, she doesn't sleep in her own bedroom or use her own bathroom. My bathroom doesn't feel like a safe space anymore, so I just have my bedroom.

I just showered the day before yesterday after not showering for a month. The kitchen barely has any clean dishes, and I've been eating mostly white rice for a couple weeks.




Anyways, I'm fine. How are you?
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She wished that she never existed...
Sep 24, 2020
33,350
It's good to hear that you don't wish to force life into this world, procreation is just cruel, selfish and unnecessary, there really is no need to create meaningless suffering by bringing life into this horrible world, it's way more compassionate to leave the nonexistent alone and not burden them with existence. But anyway I wish you the best.
 
Last edited:
haragirigirl

haragirigirl

Apathetic wanderer
May 25, 2023
6
Damn that's so much piled up on you. I understand the stress you must be under is overwhelming. I don't want kids either but I don't think it's good or bad to not want kids, it just is what it is. Maybe you can try to set some boundaries with your mom about the bathroom tho, it might be anxiety inducing but even just a hey mom is it okay if you cut back on using my bathroom? Id really appreciate it. And then move up from there if ur not comfortable fully asking her to stop using it right away. Getting out of bed and living is hard fr but every time you do manage to get up you achieving something, no matter how little or pointless it may seem. Relationships with food are hard I've struggled with it since I was very young whether it's overeating or starving or puking I've done it all, atm I try to just eat only when I'm hungry and like mostly meat or eggs and veggies cuz I need the nutrient my body falling apart at the seams lmao. If you enjoy drawing and anime just continue to follow ur passions when you find the energy to exist even if it's just for a bit. Drawing and painting and creating things has always been one of the only things to make me feel like I'm doing something with myself that I feel rewarded in. And try not to let your scars bother you, you can always cover them up with like tattoos which is fun cuz it's like socially acceptable pain, personally I kinda like my scars tho ngl. But my biggest suggestion would definitely be to try ur best to reclaim ur space so u have a place you can retreat to and feel safe in.
 
existentialistdump

existentialistdump

Ripping my flesh off
May 27, 2023
5
People always say "Oh, you'll want kids when you're older!"

No.

No I fucking won't.

Today, my neice spilled a bowl of cereal on the floor, and my mum just threw the rest of it down to add to the absolute filth that is our home. She's now on the verge of tears.

My sister is fucking delusional, and so are 99% of parents. Mine are in their fifties, so they're not bad. My mum has a lot of medical issues, including POTS, so she stays home and sits in a disgusting house all day. My dad has everything from anxiety to severe arthritis, and works his ass off every single day as a mechanic to not get paid shit. He's lost almost all feeling in his hands.

I'm adopted. My real mom got pregnant with me in prison, and is a diagnosed bipolar. She admitted to doing every single pill she could get her hands on, but never smoked anything while pregnant with me. I am now diagnosed with ASD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, with three CTB attempts, two by hanging and one overdose. Nobody besides my closest friend (and some ppl on the internet) know that I tried to hang myself, or that I cut myself.

My sister is from my parents. She got in a car wreck that could've killed her (due to drunk driving), and I wish it did. She got married to a dude, and after "trying for a baby" for a long while, gave birth to my neice.

The overdose was one night when my neice wouldn't stop crying. She had been at my house being taken care of by my parents for what seemed like weeks. I had cut myself so much, but it didn't help. I decided to take a few of my anxiety pills. Around 40. I went about the rest of my night acting happy. The feeling of being around my parents while they didn't know that an entire bottle of medicine was slowly settling into my body was lovely.

Later that night, I got paranoid, and decided to tell on myself. My dad drove me to the hostpital at midnight. I can't get in his truck anymore because it reminds me of that night. I sat in a hospital for 7 hours. Wide awake. For about a month after that, I found myself reliving the night. I would lay in bed with my arm out, feeling the pain of the IV in my elbow even when there was nothing there. I would roll up my sleeve and see blood.

I was 12.

When I was 13, I found someone to look at as a mom. My parents were mostly absent, and I had only seen my real mom once. So, I did what any 8th grader would do. I clung onto a female teacher. She was really nice. She talked to me every day after class, and I eventually ended up writing her long letters since we couldn't talk for that long. It was her idea. Just being around her made me really happy, like how I imagine kids feel around their mothers.

Then, one day, I gave her a note like I usually did. Her response was: "No. I don't want it. Go away."

After that, I skipped her class to cry and cut myself in the bathroom. After a couple more days, I was brought into the office. She had switched me out of her class. She didn't want me in her class anymore. After one day in my new classes, I went home and tied a noose. I didn't and still don't understand why she hated me all of a sudden. I never wrote anything bad or inappropriate, I only told her about my interests and how my days were.

That night, while my mum and neice were in the room right beside mine, I sobbed for a few hours, then said goodbye to all my stuffed animals, then did it. I kicked the stool out from under me, and felt free. All of my anxiety was gone. SI is a bitch, though. My legs reached out for my bed, and I stood up on it. After that, my hands loosened the noose.

After that, I texted my mum and begged to be homeschooled, which I now am.

A little bit after that, I got into gore. The worst videos I've seen are Funkytown and Ms. Pacman. It started with The Human Centipede movies, then A Serbian Film, then where I am now. I saw Funkytown and Ms. Pacman a few weeks ago, but I've revisited them a couple times. I feel numb. I can imagine the videos I've seen of dead people, and people hanging themselves in my head. It... feels weird.

Now, I use age regression. I've been watching Bluey a lot recently, and working on sewing a quilt.

My neice comes over every weekend. She reminds me of when I tried to kill myself. The scars on my arms are healed, but sometimes her crying and screaming is too much and I cut myself again. Our house is a mess, due to my dad never being home, and my mum being physically and mentally unable to clean. My sister texts my mum 24/7. My mum never gets a break.

I could help, but most of the time I'm trying to do something like draw or sew, or crying, and my mum feels too guilty to ask me to help most of the time. My mum says that it's worth it for my neice, but I don't think it is. My mum is 50 and taking care of a 1 year old almost by herself while my sister gets drunk and parties.

Parents are delusional.

-----

I'm trying to cope with Bluey and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, but even just getting out of bed is so draining. I can't regress to my little space whenever I think about my family. The real world is terrible. I'd give anything to be able to go to Italy and forget my current life.

I feel overweight and disgusting even at 95 pounds. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but used to struggle with throwing up my food a lot. Whenever my neice was over and I had to listen to my mum describe baby shit in inteicate detail, it was hard to eat. I threw up every day it seemed like, and couldn't even stand my spit in my mouth. I still occasionally do. The house is filthy, but I try and keep my room and bathroom clean.

But, since my neice's room is right beside mine, my mum has started using my bathroom. Even when my neice isn't here, she doesn't sleep in her own bedroom or use her own bathroom. My bathroom doesn't feel like a safe space anymore, so I just have my bedroom.

I just showered the day before yesterday after not showering for a month. The kitchen barely has any clean dishes, and I've been eating mostly white rice for a couple weeks.




Anyways, I'm fine. How are you?
I'm sorry you're going through an extremely rough time . I used to go on bestgore all the time when I was in my deepest bouts of depression just to feel something . Hella confusing how that teacher switched up on you like that . I'm sure it wasn't anything that you did but something personal going on in her own probably shitty life where she saw it grossly unprofessionally acceptable to take it out on a child . A devastating blow especially when these are supposed to be the adults you look up to . I know it may seem daunting but you need to stand up for yourself and advocate as scary as it may be . You seem extremely empathetic to everyone else's problems but you are the child or teen in this situation and it's your parents and families job to be there for you , not the other way around . It's ok to be angry in a situation like this I would force my pov from suicidal to livid . You should be living and having experiences right now not stuck in your room having your only safe space taken away from you . Let them know this is not ok and it's not acceptable . You're rotting and they're watching it . Tell your mom your sister needs to grow up , tell her it's time for everyone to get over their shit and clean the house so it's LIVABLE for YOU because you deserve that . You deserve to be in a functioning environment. You deserve to be happy and comfortable and not feel guilty for that . I'm not sure how old you are judging from the post , if you're turning 18 soon there are recourses to get you out of that environment if you need them , if you're unable to work because of how debilitating your depression is apply for SSI, get housing , and get the fuck out of there. More than anything you need good genuine people by your side who listen and care about you
 
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Quizzaci0us

Quizzaci0us

Little Frog
Apr 13, 2023
23
People always say "Oh, you'll want kids when you're older!"

No.

No I fucking won't.

Today, my neice spilled a bowl of cereal on the floor, and my mum just threw the rest of it down to add to the absolute filth that is our home. She's now on the verge of tears.

My sister is fucking delusional, and so are 99% of parents. Mine are in their fifties, so they're not bad. My mum has a lot of medical issues, including POTS, so she stays home and sits in a disgusting house all day. My dad has everything from anxiety to severe arthritis, and works his ass off every single day as a mechanic to not get paid shit. He's lost almost all feeling in his hands.

I'm adopted. My real mom got pregnant with me in prison, and is a diagnosed bipolar. She admitted to doing every single pill she could get her hands on, but never smoked anything while pregnant with me. I am now diagnosed with ASD, major depressive disorder, and generalized anxiety disorder, with three CTB attempts, two by hanging and one overdose. Nobody besides my closest friend (and some ppl on the internet) know that I tried to hang myself, or that I cut myself.

My sister is from my parents. She got in a car wreck that could've killed her (due to drunk driving), and I wish it did. She got married to a dude, and after "trying for a baby" for a long while, gave birth to my neice.

The overdose was one night when my neice wouldn't stop crying. She had been at my house being taken care of by my parents for what seemed like weeks. I had cut myself so much, but it didn't help. I decided to take a few of my anxiety pills. Around 40. I went about the rest of my night acting happy. The feeling of being around my parents while they didn't know that an entire bottle of medicine was slowly settling into my body was lovely.

Later that night, I got paranoid, and decided to tell on myself. My dad drove me to the hostpital at midnight. I can't get in his truck anymore because it reminds me of that night. I sat in a hospital for 7 hours. Wide awake. For about a month after that, I found myself reliving the night. I would lay in bed with my arm out, feeling the pain of the IV in my elbow even when there was nothing there. I would roll up my sleeve and see blood.

I was 12.

When I was 13, I found someone to look at as a mom. My parents were mostly absent, and I had only seen my real mom once. So, I did what any 8th grader would do. I clung onto a female teacher. She was really nice. She talked to me every day after class, and I eventually ended up writing her long letters since we couldn't talk for that long. It was her idea. Just being around her made me really happy, like how I imagine kids feel around their mothers.

Then, one day, I gave her a note like I usually did. Her response was: "No. I don't want it. Go away."

After that, I skipped her class to cry and cut myself in the bathroom. After a couple more days, I was brought into the office. She had switched me out of her class. She didn't want me in her class anymore. After one day in my new classes, I went home and tied a noose. I didn't and still don't understand why she hated me all of a sudden. I never wrote anything bad or inappropriate, I only told her about my interests and how my days were.

That night, while my mum and neice were in the room right beside mine, I sobbed for a few hours, then said goodbye to all my stuffed animals, then did it. I kicked the stool out from under me, and felt free. All of my anxiety was gone. SI is a bitch, though. My legs reached out for my bed, and I stood up on it. After that, my hands loosened the noose.

After that, I texted my mum and begged to be homeschooled, which I now am.

A little bit after that, I got into gore. The worst videos I've seen are Funkytown and Ms. Pacman. It started with The Human Centipede movies, then A Serbian Film, then where I am now. I saw Funkytown and Ms. Pacman a few weeks ago, but I've revisited them a couple times. I feel numb. I can imagine the videos I've seen of dead people, and people hanging themselves in my head. It... feels weird.

Now, I use age regression. I've been watching Bluey a lot recently, and working on sewing a quilt.

My neice comes over every weekend. She reminds me of when I tried to kill myself. The scars on my arms are healed, but sometimes her crying and screaming is too much and I cut myself again. Our house is a mess, due to my dad never being home, and my mum being physically and mentally unable to clean. My sister texts my mum 24/7. My mum never gets a break.

I could help, but most of the time I'm trying to do something like draw or sew, or crying, and my mum feels too guilty to ask me to help most of the time. My mum says that it's worth it for my neice, but I don't think it is. My mum is 50 and taking care of a 1 year old almost by herself while my sister gets drunk and parties.

Parents are delusional.

-----

I'm trying to cope with Bluey and JoJo's Bizarre Adventure, but even just getting out of bed is so draining. I can't regress to my little space whenever I think about my family. The real world is terrible. I'd give anything to be able to go to Italy and forget my current life.

I feel overweight and disgusting even at 95 pounds. I haven't been diagnosed with anything, but used to struggle with throwing up my food a lot. Whenever my neice was over and I had to listen to my mum describe baby shit in inteicate detail, it was hard to eat. I threw up every day it seemed like, and couldn't even stand my spit in my mouth. I still occasionally do. The house is filthy, but I try and keep my room and bathroom clean.

But, since my neice's room is right beside mine, my mum has started using my bathroom. Even when my neice isn't here, she doesn't sleep in her own bedroom or use her own bathroom. My bathroom doesn't feel like a safe space anymore, so I just have my bedroom.

I just showered the day before yesterday after not showering for a month. The kitchen barely has any clean dishes, and I've been eating mostly white rice for a couple weeks.




Anyways, I'm fine. How are you?
I don't know if it's possible to edit posts, but if it is someone please tell me-

Anyways, I just wanted to thank the few people that commented. Your words mean a lot! They really do! <3

Sadly, about my mum using my bathroom, she has a few things going on (no clue what they're called) but she ends up running to the bathroom quite often, and her bathroom is on the other side of the house in her and my dad's room. It's understandable that she has to use mine. Recently, she's been procrastinating washing her bedsheets (the ones in her and my dad's room) so that's why she's sleeping in my neice's room. She wants to wash them because our dog sleeps on her bed when she doesn't, and sheds a lot of hair. She just doesn't want to sleep on that hair.

My neice left today after being here for the weekend, and my dad managed to get some of the dishes done and I put them away. The living room is still a mess with baby toys and a few dishes that my neice plays with, and I just haven't had the energy to help pick them up.

I'm trying to fix my sleep schedule, too, since I've been going to sleep at 5AM and waking up at 5PM. I woke up really early today with only a few hours of sleep, so I'm excited to take melatonin, go to sleep, and wake up to work on my quilt more! It makes me sad that I haven't been able to work on it, but I'm trying out a new art style in the meantime. I'm not really good with it, but it's okay since I'm just starting out. I'll try again tonight!

Honestly, just surrounding myself with positivity really helps. I wrote the original post while having a breakdown, and some of it is just breakdown thoughts, y'know? Anyways, long rant over. Long story short, I'm doing better today :)
 
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Octavia

Octavia

“I’d… rather kill myself.”
Mar 4, 2023
363
I don't know if it's possible to edit posts, but if it is someone please tell me-

Anyways, I just wanted to thank the few people that commented. Your words mean a lot! They really do! <3

Sadly, about my mum using my bathroom, she has a few things going on (no clue what they're called) but she ends up running to the bathroom quite often, and her bathroom is on the other side of the house in her and my dad's room. It's understandable that she has to use mine. Recently, she's been procrastinating washing her bedsheets (the ones in her and my dad's room) so that's why she's sleeping in my neice's room. She wants to wash them because our dog sleeps on her bed when she doesn't, and sheds a lot of hair. She just doesn't want to sleep on that hair.

My neice left today after being here for the weekend, and my dad managed to get some of the dishes done and I put them away. The living room is still a mess with baby toys and a few dishes that my neice plays with, and I just haven't had the energy to help pick them up.

I'm trying to fix my sleep schedule, too, since I've been going to sleep at 5AM and waking up at 5PM. I woke up really early today with only a few hours of sleep, so I'm excited to take melatonin, go to sleep, and wake up to work on my quilt more! It makes me sad that I haven't been able to work on it, but I'm trying out a new art style in the meantime. I'm not really good with it, but it's okay since I'm just starting out. I'll try again tonight!

Honestly, just surrounding myself with positivity really helps. I wrote the original post while having a breakdown, and some of it is just breakdown thoughts, y'know? Anyways, long rant over. Long story short, I'm doing better today :)
Despair can feel overwhelming at times, I am glad that you are feeling better this day. Have fun making your quilt! They take a lot of dedication, but there's a special feeling in being warmed by something you made yourself.
 
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