Synfrome
"normal" "well-adjusted" member of society
- Apr 18, 2023
- 21
(Trigger warning for descriptions of domestic violence and abuse):
I've not been in a place where I am partially seriously considering suicide in a while but this is probably one of the lowest points of my life so far. My abusive stepdad has not had a stable job for the past 6 years and lived off his inheritance until this year where the money ran out. The jobs he did have he got fired from all of them. For a while he has been mentally and physically deteriorating and when we took him to hospital they found a tumour the size of a grapefruit inside the front of his brain. It's cancer and it's incurable and inoperable (although we don't know if it's terminal yet.) The tumour has completely changed his personality and physical capabilites - he went from aggressive, argumentative and physically able to obedient, meek and unable to walk, incontinent, etc.
Obviously in this state he cannot work and he is currently in hospital for an indefinite amount of time. Before we found out he had cancer my parents were in the process of divorce, which had been a long time coming. I regret that my mum didn't divorce him 11 years ago when he attempted to kill her in a drunken rage and broke quite a few of her bones, including her ribs. I remember it well unfortunately (I was only 9 years old.) The cunt got off lightly: 3 days in a cell then 150 days of community service for almost murdering my mother. Pathetic. That's not mentioning the arguments, shouting and berating he would constantly engage in towards me and her.
My mum works a job that pays only a few thousand above minimum wage and she is due to receive a paycut of 2000 (in my currency.) Because my stepdad had a lot of money before he blew it on wasting away in front of a TV, we live in a nice big house in a good area. However, now there is only one stream of revenue coming into the house we are faced with higher bills and taxes than we can't afford and this will become worse if my stepdad survives and comes home i.e. becomes a dependent.
I've had a difficult year before all of this even happened but this on top has put more physical and mental strain on me. I told my mum I was considering a leave of absence from university so I don't fuck up my final year with my mental state and she said she wouldn't be able to afford me living here. If I did live at home during that time I'd have to cough up 400 a month to help pay bills. The jobs I do have (art commissions and freelance video editing) I put that money towards HRT but even if I didn't I am not earning anywhere near to 400 a month. There's an unemployment crisis in my country so there are 0 jobs available for students. I've also gotten RSI from working so much on commissions and editng which has forced me to take a break, meaning another job would just make it worse. The healthcare system is messing me about meaning I'm struggling to get seen and get it treated. So currently I'm having to size up being priced out of living in my own fucking house. My income from commissions and editing has also plateaued, meaning that my HRT fund has stagnated not even at a third of the way.
I love my mother but she is not perfect. My counsellor and I believe she either has bipolar or BPD because she can be very emotionally volatile and unpredictable. This has gotten so much worse due to the financial and emotional strain of our whole situation. I no longer feel like I can relax in my own home and it's driving me insane. Even walking around "too loudly" gets me reprimanded by her. I'm constantly monitoring myself as to not set her off even when she says crazy things. She threatened to kick me out for being trans a few months ago (which she took back and apologised for) which has coloured a lot of her recent remarks towards me.
This is not to mention the myriad of other issues I have that makes day to day living difficult anyway (autism, ADHD, etc.) Every day I feel more detached from things, more hopeless and less real. I don't know how to talk to my friends about it because no one I know has had anything remotely similar happen to them. I feel very walled off from everyone except my boyfriend who has to deal with my crashouts. He says it's okay but I still feel incredibly guilty. Maybe I'm part of the problem, my friend from a different country who I haven't seen in two years is staying for two weeks and I have opened up an amount but it feels like it hasn't helped. Instead I just cry after they go to sleep every night so they don't hear me. Iwant a hug. I want my pain acknowledged. I want people to see I'm suffering and help me. I need serious help but I have no way to access it. I really really need help otherwise the voice in my head saying that topping myself would be the best thing to do will grow louder.
At the end of last year my best friend of 9 years attempted to overdose; he survived. But it taught me the impact of suicide on those around you. I never ever want to make the people around me feel like I did in the month after his attempt, it is crushing in a way I cannot describe. But I'm being pushed beyond my limit every day and my brain and body are beginning to give up. Trapped in a body I loathe and a situation that's killing me with no financial means to fix either. If things don't get better by the end of the year who knows what I'll do.
I've not been in a place where I am partially seriously considering suicide in a while but this is probably one of the lowest points of my life so far. My abusive stepdad has not had a stable job for the past 6 years and lived off his inheritance until this year where the money ran out. The jobs he did have he got fired from all of them. For a while he has been mentally and physically deteriorating and when we took him to hospital they found a tumour the size of a grapefruit inside the front of his brain. It's cancer and it's incurable and inoperable (although we don't know if it's terminal yet.) The tumour has completely changed his personality and physical capabilites - he went from aggressive, argumentative and physically able to obedient, meek and unable to walk, incontinent, etc.
Obviously in this state he cannot work and he is currently in hospital for an indefinite amount of time. Before we found out he had cancer my parents were in the process of divorce, which had been a long time coming. I regret that my mum didn't divorce him 11 years ago when he attempted to kill her in a drunken rage and broke quite a few of her bones, including her ribs. I remember it well unfortunately (I was only 9 years old.) The cunt got off lightly: 3 days in a cell then 150 days of community service for almost murdering my mother. Pathetic. That's not mentioning the arguments, shouting and berating he would constantly engage in towards me and her.
My mum works a job that pays only a few thousand above minimum wage and she is due to receive a paycut of 2000 (in my currency.) Because my stepdad had a lot of money before he blew it on wasting away in front of a TV, we live in a nice big house in a good area. However, now there is only one stream of revenue coming into the house we are faced with higher bills and taxes than we can't afford and this will become worse if my stepdad survives and comes home i.e. becomes a dependent.
I've had a difficult year before all of this even happened but this on top has put more physical and mental strain on me. I told my mum I was considering a leave of absence from university so I don't fuck up my final year with my mental state and she said she wouldn't be able to afford me living here. If I did live at home during that time I'd have to cough up 400 a month to help pay bills. The jobs I do have (art commissions and freelance video editing) I put that money towards HRT but even if I didn't I am not earning anywhere near to 400 a month. There's an unemployment crisis in my country so there are 0 jobs available for students. I've also gotten RSI from working so much on commissions and editng which has forced me to take a break, meaning another job would just make it worse. The healthcare system is messing me about meaning I'm struggling to get seen and get it treated. So currently I'm having to size up being priced out of living in my own fucking house. My income from commissions and editing has also plateaued, meaning that my HRT fund has stagnated not even at a third of the way.
I love my mother but she is not perfect. My counsellor and I believe she either has bipolar or BPD because she can be very emotionally volatile and unpredictable. This has gotten so much worse due to the financial and emotional strain of our whole situation. I no longer feel like I can relax in my own home and it's driving me insane. Even walking around "too loudly" gets me reprimanded by her. I'm constantly monitoring myself as to not set her off even when she says crazy things. She threatened to kick me out for being trans a few months ago (which she took back and apologised for) which has coloured a lot of her recent remarks towards me.
This is not to mention the myriad of other issues I have that makes day to day living difficult anyway (autism, ADHD, etc.) Every day I feel more detached from things, more hopeless and less real. I don't know how to talk to my friends about it because no one I know has had anything remotely similar happen to them. I feel very walled off from everyone except my boyfriend who has to deal with my crashouts. He says it's okay but I still feel incredibly guilty. Maybe I'm part of the problem, my friend from a different country who I haven't seen in two years is staying for two weeks and I have opened up an amount but it feels like it hasn't helped. Instead I just cry after they go to sleep every night so they don't hear me. Iwant a hug. I want my pain acknowledged. I want people to see I'm suffering and help me. I need serious help but I have no way to access it. I really really need help otherwise the voice in my head saying that topping myself would be the best thing to do will grow louder.
At the end of last year my best friend of 9 years attempted to overdose; he survived. But it taught me the impact of suicide on those around you. I never ever want to make the people around me feel like I did in the month after his attempt, it is crushing in a way I cannot describe. But I'm being pushed beyond my limit every day and my brain and body are beginning to give up. Trapped in a body I loathe and a situation that's killing me with no financial means to fix either. If things don't get better by the end of the year who knows what I'll do.
