My horrible relationship, and how embarrassing it is to be abused by someone you have never met before in person

[bugfart]

Hello. I've been crying a lot tonight and it's technically this morning. It's 6 am, I have a college math exam at 1 pm, the sun is starting to come in. It is hard to describe this relationship from start to how it's going but we met in October around this exact time in 2024 and we've been talking romantically since December of 2024. I met him on Instagram in one of the gcs I'm in of people who often make memes. I did not know he was schizophrenic at the time but he often talked about doing drugs. I was 18 and he was 21 at the time and it's taken a huge turn for the worst since he's turned 22. I am a psychology major in college and I used to be so studious in my freshman year and I told everyone how I'd never settle for less in a man, but alas my boyfriend is someone I've never even met in person and doesn't have a job and is an addict and verbally abuses me every day. I don't do drugs. I've been pretty sheltered. 22 is where it all started to go wrong. I know that approaching your mid 20s is when schizophrenia starts to set in the worst and he is also bipolar. He went from sweet and earnestly trying to get clean to a complete nightmare and not who I met at all. If I told you some of the things he says to me on a regular basis, this post would get taken down. He has outbursts at me almost every day and ruins every good time or important day.

As I mentioned, I was studying for my math exam that is in about 7 hours and I vented to him about how I've been in a depressive episode and cutting myself and my period has been going on for 2 months now and my body is giving out. He had an insane delusional outburst even for him and he told me to cut more, to kill myself now and that he'd never be satisfied until I was dead and he would rejoice, that I was a whore and a b*tch and a c*nt and a cheater (I've never once cheated on him but that's one of his most prominent delusions) and that I'm a liar and he finds me disgusting. I've broken up with him about 6 times before. Always got back together. And still haven't met him yet. It was always when his outbursts were too bad to handle and he was being too abusive. I wanted to get the police involved until my heart sunk when I realized that almost none of the information I know about him is correct and I can't build a case. And that his friends have all been stalking me and I can't tell who's honestly my friend or not. He has someone watching what I say in lots of chats. He even wanted to know what this site was called and I told him no. I haven't used sasu in forever but he can't take this from me too.

He's previously called me freaking out on me on my birthday, on vacations with my family, while taking tests, while in lectures, while watching a movie in a theater. And he will scream until his voice goes out. It is terrifying. He calls me all the slurs that apply to me and won't let me speak and won't calm down and what he's accusing me of is completely unfounded. He threatened over the summer to email my school and have me expelled, to find my parents, and recited to me all the info he knows. It's hard to leave. And he's still blowing up my phone as I type this and as I've been typing for a while.. but the other issue is that with his schizophrenia he's self isolating. Lately the only time he wants to talk is when he wants to insult me or be affectionate for maybe 5 minutes then it's back to accusations and insulting. I can't even get the one person who's always been there to take me back to love me anymore. On one instance lately I told him I'd rather he not be a limp dick drunk asshole who can't get it up and he told me he'd rather I be a middle aged latina with a fat ass that's a virgin. Im white and I've had one sexual partner before ever and I had a miscarriage at the age of 15 before and he knows that. And knows my past relationship was terrible. I've done more digging and I've talked to people who know him and his previous gf was mutually abusive to him but was abusive first and he was booked for domestic violence. No one is being 100% transparent about what happened that night but apparently they both fought. And to everyone he knows, he only talks about his abusive ex and how much he misses her but almost never talks about me. Even when broken up he doesn't miss me but talks about her. He has me crucified for making any dirty jokes or liking any reels that have cuss words or anything but has vile posts on his page about liking Latina middle aged pussy and what kind of women he likes and being crushed by thighs and things I can't even think about or else I'll be nauseous.

Hes extremely jealous and delusional and he's under the delusion that me having friends and talking to them when I am sad is emotional cheating. I agreed not to cross his boundaries again and to stop making weird jokes and I have. He still isn't happy. I also keep trying to arrange a date to meet me at my campus and he keeps finding excuses. He keeps arguing about the fact that he needs an id, which he does and I'm not lying about, for security reasons. You cant just invite your boyfriend over in a women's dormitory without identification. I know he's lying about his last name. Fortunately for me, he has loose lips when drunk or high off spice (for a schizophrenic person, doing spice makes it 1000% worse) and getting information is like taking candy from a baby. He's said what route he takes on the bus, the name of his apartments, but for the life of me I can't verify how to spell his last name. That's the missing piece. And I still want to meet him even though he treats me like shit and calls me every slur or insult that could apply to anyone in the history of ever every other day and all of what I just said. I am so embarrassed and I can't leave. I just want to die.
Attached is what he just said to me this morning/tonight, whatever you classify 5 am as when you haven't slept all night

 

[Steph99]

Can you block him on everything? There is nothing you can do for him.

 

[tragicfanatic]

I'm sorry this has happened, it sounds like it absolutely sucks and is definitely a hard situation to be in. I don't think you're embarassing at all - I know there's this stigma around online relationships but in my opinion an online relationship, if it's genuine, isn't all that different from one in real life. It's still a connection being two human beings, and this guy is so awful.

As someone whose been in a kind of similar situation to you - that is, meeting someone over the internet and getting attached to them when despite them being a pretty dreadful person - although less intense, I know it's very difficult to pry yourself away. What is it exactly that makes you want to stay with him? Something he's said, or done? The few good moments between the two of you? Is he coercing or convincing you in some way?

If you want to get his last name, maybe there's a way to get it if you tell him it's for another reason. I'm not sure if that's something you can do at the current point, but if it is, I'd say it's worth a shot.

Sending love and support! ♡

 

[ObsidianMidnightSky]

His behavior is not okay.

All the threats he makes are manipulative to try to get you to do what he wants because he KNOWS saying those things will work and he is terrified of the consequences if his threats no longer work.

You should break up with him for good. Erase all ties, and NEVER go back. NEVER give in. Make it a challenge for him to ever find you and if he ever does, make sure a pair of handcuffs is waiting.

Because obeying will only make his threats grow. You keep hoping that listening to him will make it stop, and it will make the threats go away, but the threats have already been laid out and it is just a matter of time until he can't get his way with something else and increases his threats or acts on them.

There isn't a scenario where you obey and the threats go away.

As you listen and wait, new threats will come and they will only get worse. His threats have been working so he has learned to keep making more threats to increase effectiveness and avoid his negative consequences. He learned that you will go back to him and you won't report him and this creates a security in him that he believes he has full control in the situation and over you. This security might make him act in ways that draw you back in and give a false sense of hope, while keeping you repressed, but any thought of losing that control and he will revert to his method of increasing threats to maintain control. Manipulators often try to distance you from supports so you rely on them and have no one to talk to.

Don't let him have control over you any longer.

He doesn't control you. YOU control you. You do have options in the situation and he is hoping you never realize that.

I know this is hard to face the feelings of what you think of yourself and what other's may think of you due to your situation, actions, and choices. It is natural to want to stay despite the abuse. You've become emotionally invested and you want to avoid the pain. It is natural to feel embarrassed. Embarrassment is your body telling yourself that you don't like something. You can use it as a cue that you need to make change, take action, and learn from the past. Don't let it get you down, instead, fight what is causing the embarrassment to make sure that it won't happen again. It boils down to not meeting your own expectations, so figure out where you let yourself down and what you can do going forward to remedy that.

It is time to give yourself back that power. Give that effectiveness to yourself. Tell yourself you won't allow yourself to be under his control anymore and you are going to give yourself back the power of your "No" and stick to it.

He is not healthy for you. He has hurt you and pushed you below himself. But you can be so much higher, it is only him keeping you down. You can rise above his level, but not with him dragging you down. You deserve better. You can find better. He is destroying you, BUT you have the power to leave him behind and find a new path in life that builds you up, instead of tears you down.

Making weird jokes is not crossing his boundary. It might make him uncomfortable, but he is welcome to not engage with it and move on. By apologizing for it, you are suppressing who you are and that is destroying YOUR boundaries. It is okay to respect someone and not do something around them at their request, but they can't control you with rules and shouldn't make you feel bad for it.

You've done so well, setting a boundary and not letting him know this site. You should feel proud of that. The warning flags are going off and you recognized it.

It is okay for you to have friends. It is okay to make jokes. You don't have to let anyone know where you are going if you don't want to. You don't have to struggle alone.

You should go to the police. Whether the information you know is correct or not, you can start compiling the evidence and the police may have better resources to track or make connections than you do. It is better to have your side recorded first.

You should alert your parents and school ahead of time that you are being blackmailed by someone online. This will help protect you if he ever does act on a threat. Also, know that his diagnosis as a schizophrenic will highly discredit anything he says, so any lies he tries to spread about you can quickly be dissolved by explaining it was made by your "schizophrenic, jealous, abusive ex-boyfriend" and you have the chats to prove it.

I'm guessing he is holding your suicide ideation and cutting over your head as well. Admitting you are emotionally struggling to your school/parents and that you would take help ahead of time will show your openness about the feelings without them having to hear the explicit extra symptom details from someone else and prevent an intervention, because they'll have already knew, and you control the narrative, and it is a good way to open space for compassion. People can relate to emotional distress. Keeping it general, and using "I don't want to talk about it right now" are good ways to set a boundary if anyone pushes too much. Telling specifics should be on your own terms. You can also mention the severity of the emotional distress was from the blackmailing and mention the thoughts were in the past if they ever do find out. But before then, you can also let them know how dangerous your abuser is and let them know to immediately hang up and contact the police if they are ever contacted by him, so they never have to find out the bad way.

You need to protect yourself; breakup, break off connection, and no longer reply to him. It will be hard, but worth it when you get a fresh start.

To do that, disconnect from anywhere that has him or his connections. Set up new accounts and only add back what you can't live without.

Normally I would suggest deleting accounts and making new ones, but since you have evidence of his crimes, I suggest blocking him, setting your accounts private and anonymizing your profiles, and consider them abandoned. Never post or reply on them again. Create new accounts and only add 100% trusted people. I'm sure you will find over time, your old mutual friends, which are really his friends, or his alts, will message your old accounts for him, to co-erce you back. You can politely decline with one message and let them know you have a new chapter in life and need to move on. Don't let curiosity ask for more, don't read long posts that make you cry. Stick to the process of moving on: decide if it involves him, send the same template goodbye message, block, and don't look back.

Send one simple goodbye message, and immediately block him. DO NOT read or reply to any response. Let him know in the goodbye message not to reply or contact you again and any effort to contact you will be reported to the police. I expect he will try to contact you through any means available, so immediately block those and report to police.

You can get through this. Don't let his abuse stand.