My goodbye thread

[XdragonsoulX]

I have yet to reply, but I read the entire message and want to thank you for taking the time to listen and respond. I'm glad you are grateful for the convo. I worried it was a waste as I am firm in my decision, yet it did give me some solace to vent and receive validation. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you make a big splash in the mental health field one day. You'd excel. I hope my perspective was useful.


I'm glad I could give you a purpose. Sadly, my inability to be kind to myself is why it's come to this. It is what it is.

***

Oh my you guys.

Such a feeling of peace and clarity.

It's happening soon. I'm scared the tree branch will snap but I really think otherwise I got this shit. I'll test before I do it and if it seems likely then doorknob it is. Or public park. We'll see

I still have stuff to toss and just oh so much to do. I can't say goodbyes in person like some people who ctb seem to be able to, but I'll be sending so many letters and gifts and emails.

I told the thrift ppl I'm coming back and asked if I could bring boxes. Fortunately I can. Told them I'm coming in a truck because I'm downsizing to move to a different city with a roommate. I actually was considering doing that, but I can't be sure that will fix my problems, and I don't want to burden my new roommates in case it does. The guy told me to enjoy my journey. Lol if only he knew.

View attachment 118623I found this lil guy atop the apartment stairwell. Must be a sign. I'll be incorporating him in the signs I'm making to advertise my go fund me

Nite guys, talk tomorrow!

Omg you found an Otto he is a squishmallow and one of the best kinds he is a good luck charm!!

 

[hiddenbpd]

You're a very eloquent writer

 

[pinkribbonscars]

I'm at Walmart to buy packing tape and boxes and garbage and ziplock bags right now. I'll be back later to get cards and some gifts for my step nephew. His 4th birthday is September 17th. I was going to stick around for it, but obviously that didn't pan out lol. I'm mailing most stuff to ppl, but for some reason I feel compelled to send wrapped gifts on my step bros door step idk why.

I'm going to uhaul after this to rent a truck. If I'm going to ctb, clearing my apartment is the least I can do. I need to concentrate on this, because it's already noon, and I hope to hang by 2:30 am tomorrow.

My gran called to ask how I'm doing. Lol fuck. I'm texting her after this message to tell her I'm running errands before work training and that I'll call later. I told her I was going through a rough time, she knows I'm at risk, so I hope she doesn't suspect.

I'll be updating. Stay tuned!

@Holu I plan to reply to you later tonight when I have lap top access. Thank you once again for your thoughts.

 

[SVEN]

Best wishes for a successfull, gentle journey and a sweet, deep sleep.

 

[.twilight.girl.]

good luck with finding your peace.

 

[wastingtime]

it sounds like our thought process is the exact same. i know and feel everything youre going through its almost creepy. good luck on your journey, i hope whatever happens is in your best interest. but either way i will be looking forward to seeing you around here more.

 

[AnonGermany]

You say you are self absorbed and focus only on yourself, a narcissist (your words).

Yet here you are. Thinking mostly about others around you, trying to do good for others before you leave, leaving the Apartment already Cleaned out "because thats the least you can do".

Obviously i dont know you, but i feel like there is more to you then you might think there is. Its so sad that we can Develop so much self hate and get a dismorphed Vision of how we might really be and affect others :(

Regardless of that - i wish you all the best for your plans to work out just like you want them to.

 

[KarmaBus]

Thank you for your time here. You write very well. It has been comforting for me to read your through your updates and follow along on this part of your journey. I can relate to a lot of your reasons of wanting to ctb. I hope you find @pinkribbonscars

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Holy shit guys, I just got back from dump. It's really happening. How surreal

 

[SolomonKado]

They say people ctb because they see no other option, but that's not true in my case. I'm 29. My lizard brain is telling me I'm old and ugly and it's too late and my life is over and I'm ruined and fucked. Realistically I know that isn't true. I'm still young, and I have enough experience that I could bounce back from my failures and turn my entire life around. I could seek help and learn how to deal with my negative self-talk and depression.

But you know what? I'm tired and I don't want to work on recovery, I don't even feel like I deserve recovery. I would say my life has zero purpose. I mean no one has a purpose in life beyond breeding, I just accept that and have realized that I no longer want to live out of spite. I wait to die out of spite for being born against my will and experiencing pain I never wanted. I am a product of my traumatic environment. I let depression win. I submit to defeat.

I'm at peace with no longer fighting and existing despite it all. I don't want to learn to cope with my lizard brain. I want it to stop. I know how to make it stop instantly.

I am at a comedy show with my sister and her boyfriend… her bf's band was the opening act. I'm saying goodbye to them and they don't even know.

This will be my thread to chronicle my final days. Committing suicide is so lonely because you want to say good bye or have people with you before you go but you can't because they'll involuntarily commit you otherwise. So strangers on an Internet forum are my alternative. Thank you for being with me here before I go.

I am unsure when I'm going to go. Sometime this week I believe. Maybe I'll even change my mind and decide to hang on in the process! Either way thank you for supporting me during my journey if you're reading this

Also I forgot to add that I've already donated some of my clothes to thrift so while I may have a change of heart, I'm quite sure this is inevitable. I can't afford new clothes so like i pretty much have to now lol!

What ever you choose to do to find your peace I wish you luck and safe travels. You are worth that much.

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Sorry I haven't responded to you guys, especially @Holu

I procrastinated so I'm really falling behind and in a rush. Currently at Walmart right now to get the cards and presents and stuff to make signs. I think I am going to hang myself at 4 or 5 am instead in a public park.

Will update. Checking out the park after this. Stay tuned. Will post pictures so you can see the beautiful place I'll be finding peace at.

 

[D3HIII]

Sorry I haven't responded to you guys, especially @Holu

I procrastinated so I'm really falling behind and in a rush. Currently at Walmart right now to get the cards and presents and stuff to make signs. I think I am going to hang myself at 4 or 5 am instead in a public park.

Will update. Checking out the park after this. Stay tuned. Will post pictures so you can see the beautiful place I'll be finding peace at.

I have always looked for a nice spot looking towards the sunrise....It may not be possible. But I always found the Sunrise to be peaceful.

What ever you choose to do, I wish for a peaceful journey

 

[TrashBoat]

Also I forgot to add that I've already donated some of my clothes to thrift

Just from this I can tell that you're a kind person. I hope you can find the peace you're searching for whether you choose to ctb or not and I'm sorry life has treated you this way.

 

[SVEN]

Be brave wee Pink Ribbon, you have come so very far.

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Be brave wee Pink Ribbon, you have come so very far.

I failed and didn't get everything done. I feel bad. I forgot to cancel like my internet and gym membership. Didn't clean my car it's so filthy. My friends and family will have to do that for me. I didn't take everything to thrift like I wanted, but I got enough hauled to dump I can throw the rest of my stuff away. I'll be boxing a few things soon.

Still I'm a failure tho, but I literally have to do this tomorrow morning, perfect timing. I wish I could wait another day but I had to be lazy and procrastinate as always.

Delayed email time, sent to police already. Buying ppl stuff on Amazon time. Sending cards in mailbox time. Factory reset time. Write go fund me time. I have til 5 am to hang at tree, hour before park opens. I'm going to give you guys a haul soon. I need to pick up rest of floor and vacuum first.

Neighbor caught me hauling shit to dump and I lied and told him I'm moving. Saw my step grandma at Walmart after exiting the parking lot to buy boxes to haul stuff to thrift (which I didn't have time for. Lol). Oh my god. So awkward.

Thank you for the farewell wishes

 

[XdragonsoulX]

I failed and didn't get everything done. I feel bad. I forgot to cancel like my internet and gym membership. Didn't clean my car it's so filthy. My friends and family will have to do that for me. I didn't take everything to thrift like I wanted, but I got enough hauled to dump I can throw the rest of my stuff away. I'll be boxing a few things soon.

Still I'm a failure tho, but I literally have to do this tomorrow morning, perfect timing. I wish I could wait another day but I had to be lazy and procrastinate as always.

Delayed email time, sent to police already. Buying ppl stuff on Amazon time. Sending cards in mailbox time. Factory reset time. Write go fund me time. I have til 5 am to hang at tree, hour before park opens. I'm going to give you guys a haul soon. I need to pick up rest of floor and vacuum first.

Neighbor caught me hauling shit to dump and I lied and told him I'm moving. Saw my step grandma at Walmart after exiting the parking lot to buy boxes to haul stuff to thrift (which I didn't have time for. Lol). Oh my god. So awkward.

Thank you for the farewell wishes

I wish you the best in your endeavours today, you put forth a great effort and aren't a failure. Take a moment to gather yourself if you need to.

Regardless I wish you the best wishes and the safest travels on your journey to the other side

 

[Holu]

Sorry I haven't responded to you guys, especially @Holu

I procrastinated so I'm really falling behind and in a rush. Currently at Walmart right now to get the cards and presents and stuff to make signs. I think I am going to hang myself at 4 or 5 am instead in a public park.

Will update. Checking out the park after this. Stay tuned. Will post pictures so you can see the beautiful place I'll be finding peace at.

Dawg. I will outright find you and bitch slap you for pressuring yourself to respond. Isssss okayyyyy, your're gooddddd.

Fr tho, you are in a period where burdens are coming to an end, and I really don't want messaging me to be a burden. Take as much time, and don't feel the need to write me paragraphs.

 

[D3HIII]

I failed and didn't get everything done. I feel bad. I forgot to cancel like my internet and gym membership. Didn't clean my car it's so filthy. My friends and family will have to do that for me. I didn't take everything to thrift like I wanted, but I got enough hauled to dump I can throw the rest of my stuff away. I'll be boxing a few things soon.

Still I'm a failure tho, but I literally have to do this tomorrow morning, perfect timing. I wish I could wait another day but I had to be lazy and procrastinate as always.

Delayed email time, sent to police already. Buying ppl stuff on Amazon time. Sending cards in mailbox time. Factory reset time. Write go fund me time. I have til 5 am to hang at tree, hour before park opens. I'm going to give you guys a haul soon. I need to pick up rest of floor and vacuum first.

Neighbor caught me hauling shit to dump and I lied and told him I'm moving. Saw my step grandma at Walmart after exiting the parking lot to buy boxes to haul stuff to thrift (which I didn't have time for. Lol). Oh my god. So awkward.

Thank you for the farewell wishes

Be well friend, you have done all you can and that's ok. Be at peace and safe travels to the other side

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Leaving this in downstairs laundry room lol:

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

I failed and didn't get everything done

not sure many people would go through these lengths. it's impressive. i've thought about cleaning up somewhat as well but there was a reason i didn't/couldn't in the first place. hope all goes well for you. best of luck!

 

[pinkribbonscars]

not sure many people would go through these lengths. it's impressive. i've thought about cleaning up somewhat as well but there was a reason i didn't/couldn't in the first place. hope all goes well for you. best of luck!

It's not impressive. I'm single and live in a studio.

A big part of it is I've been living in a depression pit of squalor and I don't want my family to know I lived like that. I mean it is the least I can do tho, like even if I run out of time for rest of kitchen at least all the food is emptied. Perfectly good food going to landfill… soon I won't be degrading our planet anymore.

Also my uncle is already dealing with his dad's estate cuz he recently died. My family is dealing with enough shit.

I'm off to piss my neighbors off at after midnight and vacuum and then factory reset my laptop. Ttyl!

Also don't feel bad for not cleaning, if I didn't have a studio I wouldn't. Best wishes to you friend!

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i can tell you have a big heart. sorry it had to come to this. neighbors can deal with it for 1 night.

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Most of floor vacuumed. Still have to work on mattress area. Going to write a gofundme that tells my story, then work on my signs. Could I link that here or is it against the rules?

 

[Kerrtu]

Most of floor vacuumed. Still have to work on mattress area. Going to write a gofundme that tells my story, then work on my signs. Could I link that here or is it against the rules?

oh @pinkribbonscars - my heart.

I'm not sure if it's against the rules or not but you have such compassion

 

[heavyeyes]

I can very much relate what you wrote. My stupid brain feeds me lies constantly. It's exhausting.

I hope you have a safe and peaceful journey to the otherside. I'm sorry to see you go. You seem so kind with a big heart. I hope you'll keep updating us <3

 

[Holu]

I can very much relate what you wrote. My stupid brain feeds me lies constantly. It's exhausting.

I hope you have a safe and peaceful journey to the otherside. I'm sorry to see you go. You seem so kind with a big heart. I hope you'll keep updating us <3

The fact that you go through and read everyone's post and then react to it is what makes you such a wonderful human being. <3.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

It's amazing how much you care about things in this world when you really want to leave. Tbh I'd not care about anything being left behind as after death I will be either be in nothingness or what is more reliable to me in another dimension not needing to care about all that stuff here.

Anyway I wish u all the best with whatever you do and decide! I hope you find peace and freedom! Safe travels!

 

[pinkribbonscars]

If anyone would like my gofundme link I can pm. I'll be off in about 2 or 3 hours. I am hoping my gran will create a gofundme for the funeral costs and that this gofundme can promote hers. Im making signs to advertise it soon.

I didn't properly clean everything or get everything sorted, but I did my best.

I'm getting scared. It's already 2:20, I haven't done all I set out to do, and the public park opens at 6 am. I cannot be found.

Gifts for step nephew:


My sign so far:

 

[Kerrtu]

If anyone would like my gofundme link I can pm. I'll be off in about 2 or 3 hours. I am hoping my gran will create a gofundme for the funeral costs and that this gofundme can promote hers. Im making signs to advertise it soon.

I didn't properly clean everything or get everything sorted, but I did my best.

I'm getting scared. It's already 2:20, I haven't done all I set out to do, and the public park opens at 6 am. I cannot be found.

Gifts for step nephew:

View attachment 118733
My sign so far:

View attachment 118734

@pinkribbonscars - if you get the chance/have the time, please send me the gofundme link.

Looking at the gifts for your step nephew reminds me so much of the gifts I've got to send to my nieces. Like you, I've cleared out my apartment, too

Sending you love and strength.

 

[pinkribbonscars]

Lol the poster board ripped in places but it will do. I don't have a lot of time