Sorry if I came across as insensitive or if that’s how you perceived it, what I meant about materials just being materialistic was about the finer materials we can live without and not the basic essentials. I really do hope you land back on your feet, maybe you could use some of the 10k that you mentioned to buy just your basic materials again. 10k can go a long way if budgeted right and of course you’re 100% right it’s okay to take charity, it’s not something to be ashamed of and as you said, once back on your feet you can return the favour.
I really wish you the best.
Shit absolutely sucks right now. That 10k will need to be preserved as much as possible to have some savings left over. It will have to go to rent, bills, and debt before the items I need. My family is willing to pitch in for what it’s worth, but it’s very overwhelming.
I know I’m not doomed and things will work out in the end, yet it’s going to be a slow process. It’s suffocating and tiring and immensely stressful and no amount of optimism or light at the end of the tunnel is going to ameliorate that.
I feel like shit and it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to and wallow in my pessimism for a bit. I’ve earned it. Every day is a reminder of everything I’ve fucked up and destroyed for myself. It isn’t forever, but it’s the reality at present. And it fucking hurts. A lot.
Haha I know for me it's cuz so many of my experiences have taught me to value myself less than other people and be harder on myself. It's almost as if literally everyone else is a god compared to me and deserves the world.
I often feel as if I'm too old to salvage my life (I'm a few years under thirty myself). I'd like to go to post secondary someday to get a better understanding of the world and hopefully get into a career where I could help people and make a difference. But yeah I get the feeling of being too old. I know it's a lie but it's hard to dispell.
You are a capable person at the end of the day though. I know how daunting everything seems. Most days now I just hide in my bed under the blankets. I also may have rehearsed my suicide earlier last week but shhhhhh xD. We'll keep striving for a better life as long as we can. I know you have it in you :3 ❤️❤️
Ugh I relate 100% to everything you say here, particularly the bit about viewing everyone as a god in comparison to yourself. I feel like satan incarnate. Everyone has a bathroom mirror and mine is from the circus. The common man bathes in holy water whereas I bathe in muck and sin. I poison the ground they walk on, and they’re better without me polluting and clogging it. I get exactly what you mean, even if we both know it’s absurd.
We’re in this shit together. I’ll get us a blanket to hide under in your honor.
Is it that you have people in your life who love you so much they are willing to sit with you in your pain? And they have the capacity to do that, rather than be scared away by it?
Precisely.
Or more so that even if it is scary and uncomfortable for them, it’s a less of a load and a burden than my tombstone would ever be.
I was talking to someone I know who lost her brother to suicide. She admitted that yeah, his schizophrenia was hard for her to deal with, but his absence was the even bigger blow.
That stood out to me.
