My goodbye thread

[corazon]

I have to say that in the face of everything you've been through, and everything you're still going through, you are an incredible and inspiring person @Cloud Busting. You should be proud of how far you've come :)

 

[Tulip<3]

I'm so proud of you, I know that sounds cheesy but truly from one BPD person to another, I know how intense it can be. Each tiny step forward is a win, so be gentle with yourself. I believe in you.

 

[jussrav]

Honestly I think if there is a chance you can turn things around and you don't want to then that is really sad. I think you should atleast try

 

[Freyja13]

I would never judge you for going. I wouldn't even judge rich people for going because it's food rescue as what isn't taken is tossed. If anyone should feel guilty it's corporations who create a surplus of food that contributes to obesity and food waste in a global warming crisis while others starve.

I don't understand why you and both judge ourselves more than anyone else.

Also, I ramble more than you! no worries.

Thank you for taking the time to read this monster of a thread! It must of taken you forever, especially since my writing style is very TL;DR.


That used to be my dream goal but I got bad grades in high school and could never get into a standard university. I could start at junior college and transfer but I've dropped out every time. Also I'm getting old I'm almost 30. But I had a nurse who was 34 and just began his career in psych nursing so I guess it's not too late.

The problem with counseling is the system really doesn't help people. It's all based on money and insurance so the people who need help the most often don't get it. Also I'd be a mandatory reporter and would have to call the cops on people and incarcerate them. I share the same sentiments as @Holu

If I went back to school, it would be for developmental disability case management. Though I've considered becoming a peer support professional (which I can't enroll for classes in currently as you have to have two years psych hospital free to qualify), and am considering taking writing workshops and sharing my story to blogs, publications and podcasts. My efforts may fail but I'll never know if I don't try.

I'd slow your roll on that one. I'm just getting started and I'm far from recovering. It's still a possibility I never will despite my best efforts.

I appreciate the sentiment but this is so removed from the reality of my situation it's almost insensitive. We live in a world where we depend on goods and services to survive. Winter is coming. I have no boots or coat. I only have sandals and a pair of generic keds without laces. I don't have clothes for a proper interview. I'm sleeping on a mattress on a floor.

It isn't just stuff. It's essentials for living I tossed out and donated. And guess what? I only have 10k to my name. I'm unemployed, I am not receiving any benefits, and I racked up debt and fucked up my credit before attempting to ctb. So yeah, understandably I am stressed. I cannot afford to replace "just materials." My bills and debt alone are going to destroy my finances before even beginning to replace "just materials."

I just try to remind myself that even if it's self inflicted, it's ok to take charity because hopefully one day I can give back when I'm back on my feet.

Haha I know for me it's cuz so many of my experiences have taught me to value myself less than other people and be harder on myself. It's almost as if literally everyone else is a god compared to me and deserves the world.

I often feel as if I'm too old to salvage my life (I'm a few years under thirty myself). I'd like to go to post secondary someday to get a better understanding of the world and hopefully get into a career where I could help people and make a difference. But yeah I get the feeling of being too old. I know it's a lie but it's hard to dispell.

You are a capable person at the end of the day though. I know how daunting everything seems. Most days now I just hide in my bed under the blankets. I also may have rehearsed my suicide earlier last week but shhhhhh xD. We'll keep striving for a better life as long as we can. I know you have it in you :3

 

[SpiritInTheSky]

I would never judge you for going. I wouldn't even judge rich people for going because it's food rescue as what isn't taken is tossed. If anyone should feel guilty it's corporations who create a surplus of food that contributes to obesity and food waste in a global warming crisis while others starve.

I don't understand why you and both judge ourselves more than anyone else.

Also, I ramble more than you! no worries.

Thank you for taking the time to read this monster of a thread! It must of taken you forever, especially since my writing style is very TL;DR.


That used to be my dream goal but I got bad grades in high school and could never get into a standard university. I could start at junior college and transfer but I've dropped out every time. Also I'm getting old I'm almost 30. But I had a nurse who was 34 and just began his career in psych nursing so I guess it's not too late.

The problem with counseling is the system really doesn't help people. It's all based on money and insurance so the people who need help the most often don't get it. Also I'd be a mandatory reporter and would have to call the cops on people and incarcerate them. I share the same sentiments as @Holu

If I went back to school, it would be for developmental disability case management. Though I've considered becoming a peer support professional (which I can't enroll for classes in currently as you have to have two years psych hospital free to qualify), and am considering taking writing workshops and sharing my story to blogs, publications and podcasts. My efforts may fail but I'll never know if I don't try.

I'd slow your roll on that one. I'm just getting started and I'm far from recovering. It's still a possibility I never will despite my best efforts.

I appreciate the sentiment but this is so removed from the reality of my situation it's almost insensitive. We live in a world where we depend on goods and services to survive. Winter is coming. I have no boots or coat. I only have sandals and a pair of generic keds without laces. I don't have clothes for a proper interview. I'm sleeping on a mattress on a floor.

It isn't just stuff. It's essentials for living I tossed out and donated. And guess what? I only have 10k to my name. I'm unemployed, I am not receiving any benefits, and I racked up debt and fucked up my credit before attempting to ctb. So yeah, understandably I am stressed. I cannot afford to replace "just materials." My bills and debt alone are going to destroy my finances before even beginning to replace "just materials."

I just try to remind myself that even if it's self inflicted, it's ok to take charity because hopefully one day I can give back when I'm back on my feet.

Sorry if I came across as insensitive or if that's how you perceived it, what I meant about materials just being materialistic was about the finer materials we can live without and not the basic essentials. I really do hope you land back on your feet, maybe you could use some of the 10k that you mentioned to buy just your basic materials again. 10k can go a long way if budgeted right and of course you're 100% right it's okay to take charity, it's not something to be ashamed of and as you said, once back on your feet you can return the favour.
I really wish you the best.

 

[inmyhead]

Just read this entire thread and I'm happy you're still here @Cloud Busting. I know how dark that hole is and I'm glad you're managing to slowly crawl out now. It's amazing when you realise all the lies and skewed perceptions your own brain convinces you of.

Even just on this forum you've come across as so kind, compassionate, and caring. I wish you all the best in your recovery and whatever is coming next for you.

 

[Larysa]

What gave me the will to live was realizing that wasn't true. My pain wasn't a burden to others. Only to me!


Ever since reading this, I have been wondering what this means, @Cloud Busting.

Is it that you have people in your life who love you so much they are willing to sit with you in your pain? And they have the capacity to do that, rather than be scared away by it?

 

[Cloud Busting]

Sorry if I came across as insensitive or if that's how you perceived it, what I meant about materials just being materialistic was about the finer materials we can live without and not the basic essentials. I really do hope you land back on your feet, maybe you could use some of the 10k that you mentioned to buy just your basic materials again. 10k can go a long way if budgeted right and of course you're 100% right it's okay to take charity, it's not something to be ashamed of and as you said, once back on your feet you can return the favour.
I really wish you the best.

Shit absolutely sucks right now. That 10k will need to be preserved as much as possible to have some savings left over. It will have to go to rent, bills, and debt before the items I need. My family is willing to pitch in for what it's worth, but it's very overwhelming.

I know I'm not doomed and things will work out in the end, yet it's going to be a slow process. It's suffocating and tiring and immensely stressful and no amount of optimism or light at the end of the tunnel is going to ameliorate that.

I feel like shit and it's my party and I'll cry if I want to and wallow in my pessimism for a bit. I've earned it. Every day is a reminder of everything I've fucked up and destroyed for myself. It isn't forever, but it's the reality at present. And it fucking hurts. A lot.

Haha I know for me it's cuz so many of my experiences have taught me to value myself less than other people and be harder on myself. It's almost as if literally everyone else is a god compared to me and deserves the world.

I often feel as if I'm too old to salvage my life (I'm a few years under thirty myself). I'd like to go to post secondary someday to get a better understanding of the world and hopefully get into a career where I could help people and make a difference. But yeah I get the feeling of being too old. I know it's a lie but it's hard to dispell.

You are a capable person at the end of the day though. I know how daunting everything seems. Most days now I just hide in my bed under the blankets. I also may have rehearsed my suicide earlier last week but shhhhhh xD. We'll keep striving for a better life as long as we can. I know you have it in you :3

Ugh I relate 100% to everything you say here, particularly the bit about viewing everyone as a god in comparison to yourself. I feel like satan incarnate. Everyone has a bathroom mirror and mine is from the circus. The common man bathes in holy water whereas I bathe in muck and sin. I poison the ground they walk on, and they're better without me polluting and clogging it. I get exactly what you mean, even if we both know it's absurd.

We're in this shit together. I'll get us a blanket to hide under in your honor.

Is it that you have people in your life who love you so much they are willing to sit with you in your pain? And they have the capacity to do that, rather than be scared away by it?

Precisely.

Or more so that even if it is scary and uncomfortable for them, it's a less of a load and a burden than my tombstone would ever be.

I was talking to someone I know who lost her brother to suicide. She admitted that yeah, his schizophrenia was hard for her to deal with, but his absence was the even bigger blow.

That stood out to me.

 

[Larysa]

That's amazing.

This is so relatable and beautifully explained:

I feel like shit and it's my party and I'll cry if I want to and wallow in my pessimism for a bit. I've earned it. Every day is a reminder of everything I've fucked up and destroyed for myself. It isn't forever, but it's the reality at present. And it fucking hurts. A lot.

But that you have people in your life willing to truly be with you like that is wonderful.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@Larysa

The question you asked was beautifully phrased. It led to perspectives I never pondered and gave me something to chew on.

I felt guilty for being in pain in the first place.

I know I reference bojack non-stop, but I've been thinking a lot about when he tells Diane to not feel bad about feeling bad ever since my attempt.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Im sorry to bump this thing

I still feel pain every day

I still feel numb, physically sick

I still hate myself for what I have done, on the daily

I hate having to pretend everything is ok in the real world

I gained 7 lbs in the hospital, I've already lost 3

I still wish I could drop dead while this world is going to shit

It's not a linear process, I'm not recovered

I just know I have no good reason to ctb

It's not even been two weeks

I feel like fucking garbage

And that's just life

No matter how bad I feel ctb isn't what I deserve

 

[absolutelyyou]

From an internet stranger thats followed this thread- I'm so proud of you. You haven't ruined your life- you've kick started a fresh start at dealing with life. Healing is never going to be linear, every victory can be celebrated and every back slide can be understood and honored as growing pains. You've totally got this and this slump you are feeling right now will pass as you've already felt it come and pass before.

 

[Cloud Busting]

From an internet stranger thats followed this thread- I'm so proud of you. You haven't ruined your life- you've kick started a fresh start at dealing with life. Healing is never going to be linear, every victory can be celebrated and every back slide can be understood and honored as growing pains. You've totally got this and this slump you are feeling right now will pass as you've already felt it come and pass before.

I hope the mods don't have a problem with this thread being ongoing, as I do not wish to clog this sub forum or burry any threads (especially methods). I'm sure it won't be ongoing forever, but this is still fresh for me and I still need to vent.

I bumped this thread cuz there was so much positivity and I wanted it to be clear this isn't the end. The pain still lingers. So does the shame.

I still wanna ctb so fucking bad. But the only reason I am not for now is I have no solid reasons. I never did, and pointing out donating my possessions and racking up debt didn't ruin my life is astute. At the time I thought there was no going back. While it's not easy to come back, I was wrong.

I'm glad I didn't die because I was so sure it was the right choice, but if I did I would have made a mistake. However I'd be dead, so I suppose it wouldn't matter. But I have a second chance.

I just hate this pain. But it's only been a little under two weeks, so it's not the right time. I can always ctb later if it doesn't end, but I just need to be patient as it'd be rash to do now.

It sounds counter intuitive, but trying to be happy made me even more depressed. It's not about thinking positive thoughts. It's about sitting in that pain instead of fighting it like I tried before.

Thank you for joining me in my journey @absolutelyyou

 

[Larysa]

I really hope you continue this thread longterm. It is a really important thread and you share a lot of insight.

Please never feel you should apologise for posting on it. It has and will help many others. But it is actually only necessary that it helps you.

I think the key thing is, as you said, it's only been two weeks, and yet you have made so much progress already. I imagine it has to be a gradual and ongoing process to recover. I realise I'm stating the obvious there, but I think it can't be emphasised enough.

It sounds counter intuitive, but trying to be happy made me even more depressed. It's not about thinking positive thoughts. It's about sitting in that pain instead of fighting it like I tried before.

I have read this as advice before, and yet I rarely manage to experience it. The fact that you have realised this and are doing this is amazing. I believe it's part of radical acceptance. Would listening to Tara Brach possibly be helpful (and free)?

Guided Meditations

Guided meditations are offered freely by Tara Brach, Ph.D, psychologist, author and teacher of meditation, emotional healing and spiritual awakening.

www.tarabrach.com

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I am happy you're still here... reading through the thread made me very sad until I saw you had created a new account. Thank you for sharing everything you have up till now, you are a very compassionate soul.

 

[Montana-Rain]

Ribbons,
I just found your thread. I read through and was saddened when I saw your name crossed out. There is and was shown so much love and care for your family, friends. You have such a generous heart and so much compassion for others.
Life can be so painful, with the highs and the lows, it always seems like the lows are more frequent and longer lasting. I wish you all the best in navigating all the emotions you are feeling. I just wanted to really say, I am very happy you are back.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Omg guys:


Just got this today I wanna puke in my mouth. Inspection tomorrow. Embarrassed as fuck. I wanna cry. I mean I called him and he said he was distressed but I have nothing to fear. But I wanna disappear. Like recovering from a suicide attempt it's just so embarrassing. I hate ppl have to know. I wish this was my dirty secret.

Ribbons,
I just found your thread. I read through and was saddened when I saw your name crossed out. There is and was shown so much love and care for your family, friends. You have such a generous heart and so much compassion for others.
Life can be so painful, with the highs and the lows, it always seems like the lows are more frequent and longer lasting. I wish you all the best in navigating all the emotions you are feeling. I just wanted to really say, I am very happy you are back.

Yes, the lows are the worst, really zaps your motivation for breathing. I have to try to deal with the lows but it's hard. I don't want to be defeated by them but I am feeling very trapped.

Also I love your username. I am from Montana!

 

[Need Peace]

Ribbons,

I'm so glad I found this thread. I can relate so well with your opening post and I just wish I could give you a big hug. I'm happy you're getting help now. I also failed a CTB once and the aftermath was torture, but eventually moved on. I hope the best for you!

 

[Cloud Busting]

Ribbons,

I'm so glad I found this thread. I can relate so well with your opening post and I just wish I could give you a big hug. I'm happy you're getting help now. I also failed a CTB once and the aftermath was torture, but eventually moved on. I hope the best for you!

Omg what happened? I would love for you to share your story either here or pm, whatever is comfortable

The aftermath itself just makes you wanna ctb it's the most embarrassing thing ever

Fortunately most ppl have been surprisingly nice/supportive in my case but the humiliation and shame I could just drop dead

 

[Need Peace]

It was a long time ago. I was 18 and tried to OD on hundreds of pills in my parents medicine cabinet. I spent about 3 weeks in a psych ward and another 2 weeks in some rehab place. It was so embarrassing coming back. A lot of people knew, but I could never really tell who. Random people I barely knew would ask me about it. I'm pretty self conscious anyway, but after the attempt I was even more so. I just wished I could hide.

I felt like a burden on my family for a while. I felt like people thought I was weak. Some people I thought were friends just gossiped about me. Turned out I really didn't have any friends and had to learn to make new ones. The road to recovery was a long one, but I did eventually get better and started to enjoy life again.

 

[Cloud Busting]

It was a long time ago. I was 18 and tried to OD on hundreds of pills in my parents medicine cabinet. I spent about 3 weeks in a psych ward and another 2 weeks in some rehab place. It was so embarrassing coming back. A lot of people knew, but I could never really tell who. Random people I barely knew would ask me about it. I'm pretty self conscious anyway, but after the attempt I was even more so. I just wished I could hide.

I felt like a burden on my family for a while. I felt like people thought I was weak. Some people I thought were friends just gossiped about me. Turned out I really didn't have any friends and had to learn to make new ones. The road to recovery was a long one, but I did eventually get better and started to enjoy life again.

I'm incredibly fortunate to have mostly received support, which I was not expecting. If anything, it makes me realize how ungrateful I was. I was luckier than I ever knew.

The worst for me is having to deal with people worried if I'm of sound mind or at risk for attempting again. Also the reminders on a day to day basis of all I have done, for I still feel ashamed for how far I have fallen.

I'm so sorry you went through all of that. It gives me hope to hear you have recovered from such a low point. Not being able to recover is what I fear. If I can never be happy there is absolutely no point in life. Im hoping to recapture the joy I experienced as a child.

Reading this thread from start to finish was quite a ride.

I don't know what to say and I'm very bad with words, so I'll keep it short - I'm really glad you're still with us. I went from utter heartbreak to massive relief reading you're still here, even if the experience was traumatic on its own.

You're not alone. I know we're all internet strangers here, but you have a friend in me. And I mean that.

By the way...Soma is an amazing song. I felt it.

Thank you for reading. This thread is long. I was so shocked people were relieved I had survived. I was expecting "what an attention whore fuck you for scaring us" backlash.

I was so trapped in my despair I could no longer reason. What a mistake I would have made. I'm not saying I would never CTB but now isn't the time.

Yes Soma is beautiful. I honestly recommend it as a CTB song. It's a blissful, peaceful trance that will lull you into the 'big sleep.'

 

[nothing123]

Have not made a comment in almost two years but reading this made me smile for the first time in months. I hope the road to recovery goes well for you. Glad you're here with us

 

[Praestat_Mori]

You should keep your thread ongoing. It's very insightful and I'm pretty sure it helps you on your way to recover or at least to cope with the things in your life as they are now.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can find a way to recover!

 

[Mayonaise]

Smoking the last cigarette of my life then off I go… it's incredibly cold and I forgot a jacket oops

I am sorry to those I did not message you're all lovely souls all of you are special to me… if I didn't get around to messaging you too much was on my mind @Holu love you and will miss you

Soon I will delete my account, factory reset my phone, and find peace at last… I'm extremely scared, but I know I got this… I just remember we all die, it's my mantra

View attachment 119171
Of course I didn't buy enough lace…. But I gave Otto a noose! Lol @XdragonsoulX



Farewell I will miss you guys

A Smashing Pumpkins fan, I was going to post a goodbye but learnt she's still here and trying to recover.
I really, really hope things start going well for you.
Lots of love from another SP fan.

 

[redcarpet]

Hey how is it going are you good?

 

[rozeske]

Committing suicide is so lonely because you want to say good bye or have people with you before you go but you can't because they'll involuntarily commit you otherwise.

I think this is the most accurate thing I have read here.

I hope you are doing well in your recovery journey

 

[headphone3]

I look back at this thread from time to time. Depression sucks.