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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
They say people ctb because they see no other option, but that's not true in my case. I'm 29. My lizard brain is telling me I'm old and ugly and it's too late and my life is over and I'm ruined and fucked. Realistically I know that isn't true. I'm still young, and I have enough experience that I could bounce back from my failures and turn my entire life around. I could seek help and learn how to deal with my negative self-talk and depression.

But you know what? I'm tired and I don't want to work on recovery, I don't even feel like I deserve recovery. I would say my life has zero purpose. I mean no one has a purpose in life beyond breeding, I just accept that and have realized that I no longer want to live out of spite. I wait to die out of spite for being born against my will and experiencing pain I never wanted. I am a product of my traumatic environment. I let depression win. I submit to defeat.

I'm at peace with no longer fighting and existing despite it all. I don't want to learn to cope with my lizard brain. I want it to stop. I know how to make it stop instantly.

I am at a comedy show with my sister and her boyfriend… her bf's band was the opening act. I'm saying goodbye to them and they don't even know.

This will be my thread to chronicle my final days. Committing suicide is so lonely because you want to say good bye or have people with you before you go but you can't because they'll involuntarily commit you otherwise. So strangers on an Internet forum are my alternative. Thank you for being with me here before I go.

I am unsure when I'm going to go. Sometime this week I believe. Maybe I'll even change my mind and decide to hang on in the process! Either way thank you for supporting me during my journey if you're reading this

Also I forgot to add that I've already donated some of my clothes to thrift so while I may have a change of heart, I'm quite sure this is inevitable. I can't afford new clothes so like i pretty much have to now lol!
 
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nadia225

nadia225

journey to reach the light
Aug 18, 2023
89
I feel you on the top tired to cope with that lizard brain very exhausting process especially when you've been doing it your whole life…who wants to live like that battling yourself while having to deal with the hardships of the world seems draining. Regardless of what you choose I wish you the best and I hope you find solace and whatever decision that's stirs you closer to peace.
 
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RainLover

RainLover

Just another one
Aug 9, 2023
53
Whatever you choose, I hope you luck in the CTB or the recovery process. May you find peace in with either of the two options
 
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AnonGermany

AnonGermany

Student
Jul 9, 2023
157
"Committing suicide is so lonely because you want to say good bye or have people with you before you go but you can't because they'll involuntarily commit you otherwise"

very very true.
 
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bluebus

meet me at the back of the blue bus
Aug 5, 2023
425
I understand where you're coming from. I share a lot of the sentiments that you mentioned. I really am sorry that it's come to this. Wishing you all the best. I hope you find peace
 
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Kikoo

Kikoo

Sing me to sleep ♡
Jun 12, 2023
165
Hope you find peace
 
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TheMetalHead

TheMetalHead

Experienced
Aug 18, 2023
206
I wish you the best in your journey to finding peace mate, whatever choice you decide on :hug:
 
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notverylucid

notverylucid

Truth is... the game was rigged from the start
Aug 18, 2023
66
I understand everything you're saying, feeling the exact same — burnt out on life and sick & tired of it all. Whatever path you choose, I hope allows you to find peace.
 
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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
I feel you on the top tired to cope with that lizard brain very exhausting process especially when you've been doing it your whole life…who wants to live like that battling yourself while having to deal with the hardships of the world seems draining. Regardless of what you choose I wish you the best and I hope you find solace and whatever decision that's stirs you closer to peace.
Life in my lizard brain:



It's not shown in the clip, but there is a scene in that episode where bojack screams "shut up" at his thoughts and tells them they're not true, but they are relentless and won't shut up.

I mean I could probably work through this but it's horrible, a pure hell, who the fuck would want to live like that? Who would blame me for ctb when that's my mind every day?

Also I'm so sorry you battle the lizard brain as well. I wouldn't wish it on my own worst enemy. I hope you find peace one day as well. Living with a lizard brain is torture.
 
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nadia225

nadia225

journey to reach the light
Aug 18, 2023
89
I mean I could probably work through this but it's horrible, a pure hell, who the fuck would want to live like that? Who would blame me for ctb when that's my mind every day?
this so why I live bojjack perfectly describes the human condition to a T lol. But yeah dealing with that can seem like hell completely especially when you've tried everything in your power to subsidize those thoughts and feelings they linger either way so if you feel like this is way to end your problems fuck what other think to be honest they we never truly know or understand what goes through your head and what you feel because they simply are not you.
 
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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
"Committing suicide is so lonely because you want to say good bye or have people with you before you go but you can't because they'll involuntarily commit you otherwise"

very very true.
I'm so sorry you understand my pain. I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone.

I'm so grateful for this forum. It's so nice to have people around to support me and be with me before I kick the bucket. Makes this peaceful exit a less lonely journey

this so why I live bojjack perfectly describes the human condition to a T lol. But yeah dealing with that can seem like hell completely especially when you've tried everything in your power to subsidize those thoughts and feelings they linger either way so if you feel like this is way to end your problems fuck what other think to be honest they we never truly know or understand what goes through your head and what you feel because they simply are not you.
I'm rewatching bojack before I ctb. It's too relatable.

Hmm I haven't done everything I have in my power to deal with my unhealthy thought patterns and honestly, why should I? I could probably stick it out and learn how to live with it but why should I? It's pure hell.

People should see it as dying from a disease like one would die of cancer. I could fight harder, sure, but ultimately I lost the battle with my mind and it killed me. They should be happy I'll find peace finally
 
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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
I understand where you're coming from. I share a lot of the sentiments that you mentioned. I really am sorry that it's come to this. Wishing you all the best. I hope you find peace
Me too. My sister and her bf invited me to lunch and the restaurant was crowded and I stupidly didn't take a beta blocker before going. It was so crowded, I just stared at all the people at a table. I felt claustrophobic, started shaking like a leaf. Her bf calmed me down and I didn't have to leave but still it's embarrassing.

Like is this a life? Having to pop beta blockers to cope with stress, having to manage 6 months of feedback loops I cannot stop? Why should I be forced to deal with this?

I didn't haul anything to thrift today. I need to get on it. I may hold off and go for early weds morning instead of early tues morning. I'm not fully prepared.

I have an interview on weds idk if I can do it, my anxiety is too much. Ugh I can't function anymore. Fuck this
 
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TapeMachine

TapeMachine

perpetually confused
Jan 12, 2023
374
Like is this a life? Having to pop beta blockers to cope with stress, having to manage 6 months of feedback loops I cannot stop? Why should I be forced to deal with this?
God, I feel this so much, ugh... I often ponder the same thing.
 
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babybatz

Member
Aug 17, 2023
7
I hope you find peace, whatever you choose.
 
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G

Gonnerr

Enlightened
Mar 12, 2023
1,324
Good luck , i hope you find peace and set yourself free of this pain.
 
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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
My suicide will be either early Tuesday or Wednesday morning, and due to my procrastination, it seems to be the latter. I hope people continue to bump this thread so I can continue to post updates before I leave.

I need to finish donating and giving away my shit. And sending presents to people and time delayed emails and cards. I didn't accomplish much today as I woke up late, and my sister and her bf wanted to go to lunch, and I had to to say goodbye. Of course I had to be visibly anxious and distraught and struggling so I couldn't even give a fun, happy goodbye.

I was reading about Christine Chubbuck and how she threw her coworkers a going away party. They saw a side of her they never got to see. They had a great time. I can't even do that for people. I have to have anxiety attacks instead. What do I offer people? Nothing

And that is why I want to leave. All I do is burden people with my problems. I'm self absorbed and only focus on me, hence I drag people down. I'm fundamentally broken. I could probably recover if I wanted to, but why would I want to if it means living as a capitalistic slave until I die?
 
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Prolonged Suffering

New Member
Aug 20, 2023
3
You write your own epilogue, few people can do that. Many people like us couldn't write the prologue of our life, we couldn't write the events and the plots of our own lives, because most of them were writen by other. Don't let those people stop you from writing your own ending, the only thing you can have full control on.
Sorry about the metaphor if it is unappropriate
 
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R

RW__Asher23

Student
Dec 11, 2022
163
Wish you Peace. Peace no matter what you choose.
 
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bluebus

meet me at the back of the blue bus
Aug 5, 2023
425
Me too. My sister and her bf invited me to lunch and the restaurant was crowded and I stupidly didn't take a beta blocker before going. It was so crowded, I just stared at all the people at a table. I felt claustrophobic, started shaking like a leaf. Her bf calmed me down and I didn't have to leave but still it's embarrassing.

Like is this a life? Having to pop beta blockers to cope with stress, having to manage 6 months of feedback loops I cannot stop? Why should I be forced to deal with this?

I didn't haul anything to thrift today. I need to get on it. I may hold off and go for early weds morning instead of early tues morning. I'm not fully prepared.

I have an interview on weds idk if I can do it, my anxiety is too much. Ugh I can't function anymore. Fuck this
I am really sorry to hear that. It sounds like you are going through a lot, and it's just not fair. I really hope you find the peace that you deserve. best wishes, bb
 
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Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,219
I wish you all the best. I hope you find peace!
 
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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
You write your own epilogue, few people can do that. Many people like us couldn't write the prologue of our life, we couldn't write the events and the plots of our own lives, because most of them were writen by other. Don't let those people stop you from writing your own ending, the only thing you can have full control on.
Sorry about the metaphor if it is unappropriate
Not inappropriate all. Poignant and beautifully said. I couldn't put it better.

Well it's raining. Considering my plan is to hang myself from a tree outside my apartment early Wednesday morning and place signs asking people to donate to a go fund me page I will be creating (people will be sleeping so it's unlikely I'll be found at 1 or 2 am when I hang), I certainly hope it stops. I don't have much time. I have to go by then, the morning before my interview.

Being cold and drenched in the rain actually sounds like the perfect punishment, but I don't want my signs destroyed. I am a narcissist. My suicide has to be important; a statement. I always wanted to be important, a somebody. I always wanted to change the world. Of course, like most people, im an unimportant, average nobody, soon to be forgotten. I would like to try to raise money for mental health awareness and for my family as my legacy though.

I'm going to donate some stuff to thrift here in a few. Keep posting here guys so I can update as this is the thread I'll be writing my final post to this forum on.
 
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not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Archangel
Mar 23, 2018
8,163
Wishing you peace from this horrible world. ❤️🤗❤️🤗❤️
 
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Holu

Holu

Hypomania go brrr
Apr 5, 2023
556
Ah, I wish I had seen this previously. This wouldn't have changed my responses to you, but it's interesting to see exactly where your mind was at. Regardless, I am grateful to have had a conversation with you. I understand you're feeling lost and confused, and just wanted to say we are always here to vent, and as always feel free to dm me anything.

Hope you're doing better today. Whenever you eventually do go, may you go with peace. Take care friend <3.
 
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JustABug

JustABug

Sinking in my skin
Aug 18, 2023
115
I hope you'll rest well if you decide to go soon. Sending you love.
 
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S

SVEN

Enlightened
Apr 3, 2023
1,229
If nothing else, you've helped me to feel a wee bit useful just by posting on this thread to bump it up a bit.
Whether you ctb or not, you know we get it and try to support you. Be kind to yourself, whatever.
 
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edu0z

edu0z

carried away by a moonlight shadow
Aug 25, 2021
552
Hope you find peace my friend
 
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skylarwhiteyo104781

skylarwhiteyo104781

opium opium
Feb 16, 2023
59
So strangers on an Internet forum are my alternative. Thank you for being with me here before I go.
hey I hear you, we all do. Best of wishes and hope everything works out.

See you on the other side, or not. We're with you no matter what.
 
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pinkribbonscars

She’s lost control
Oct 7, 2021
148
Ah, I wish I had seen this previously. This wouldn't have changed my responses to you, but it's interesting to see exactly where your mind was at. Regardless, I am grateful to have had a conversation with you. I understand you're feeling lost and confused, and just wanted to say we are always here to vent, and as always feel free to dm me anything.

Hope you're doing better today. Whenever you eventually do go, may you go with peace. Take care friend <3.
I have yet to reply, but I read the entire message and want to thank you for taking the time to listen and respond. I'm glad you are grateful for the convo. I worried it was a waste as I am firm in my decision, yet it did give me some solace to vent and receive validation. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you make a big splash in the mental health field one day. You'd excel. I hope my perspective was useful.

If nothing else, you've helped me to feel a wee bit useful just by posting on this thread to bump it up a bit.
Whether you ctb or not, you know we get it and try to support you. Be kind to yourself, whatever.
I'm glad I could give you a purpose. Sadly, my inability to be kind to myself is why it's come to this. It is what it is.

***

Oh my you guys.

Such a feeling of peace and clarity.

It's happening soon. I'm scared the tree branch will snap but I really think otherwise I got this shit. I'll test before I do it and if it seems likely then doorknob it is. Or public park. We'll see

I still have stuff to toss and just oh so much to do. I can't say goodbyes in person like some people who ctb seem to be able to, but I'll be sending so many letters and gifts and emails.

I told the thrift ppl I'm coming back and asked if I could bring boxes. Fortunately I can. Told them I'm coming in a truck because I'm downsizing to move to a different city with a roommate. I actually was considering doing that, but I can't be sure that will fix my problems, and I don't want to burden my new roommates in case it does. The guy told me to enjoy my journey. Lol if only he knew.

Image I found this lil guy atop the apartment stairwell. Must be a sign. I'll be incorporating him in the signs I'm making to advertise my go fund me

Nite guys, talk tomorrow!
 
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HighFlight

HighFlight

Global Mod
Jun 28, 2023
556
I'm sorry life has been so painful and has brought you to this point. I wish you well on your journey, regardless of where that path takes you. And I hope you can find some peace along the way. :heart:
 
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Holu

Holu

Hypomania go brrr
Apr 5, 2023
556
That plush reaper is too fucking cute.

I have yet to reply, but I read the entire message and want to thank you for taking the time to listen and respond. I'm glad you are grateful for the convo. I worried it was a waste as I am firm in my decision, yet it did give me some solace to vent and receive validation.
Ofc! No need to reply, reading it is more than enough. And under no circumstance is a waste. If I can bring a little peace of mind or reduce pain that's all I want. This is a forum of damned souls. Try as anyone might, many of us are just beyond saving. Most we can do is provide comfort and advice for eachother, nothing more nothing less.

I hope you make a big splash in the mental health field one day. You'd excel. I hope my perspective was useful.
It pains me to say this, but assuming I don't go into mania and kill myself, even if I become licensed there isn't much I can do. The mental healthcare of this world is truly awful, and the rules itself will tear me to shreds, since it's very much a "get in line or get tossed out" kinda situation. Imagine how much better it would be if therapists could do more than just record what the patient says, observe nonverbal cues, and offer generic low risk advice on how to improve. Imagine if you could actually share your thoughts with the therapist instead of being worried about locked up. Imagine if therapists could actually tell their own troubled experiences to relate to the client. Imagine if therapists actually learned to respect their clients wishes, and worked around their client, questioning their beliefs and nihilism while educating them on possible explanations to provide answers for the patient. But instead, since everything is entirely over pro-life, restrictions are required. No helping beyond a certain point.

I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. If I focus solely on career growth, I'd have to abandon any hope of helping the actual troubled people. It's simply more profitable to help wealthier clients with work related stress. More money, less worry about the client, and easy to get them in and out(looks good since it's like a person "helped"). There is the possibility of working your way up and then doing the right thing, but at that point Idek if I'll be alive, and if I am will I even have the spirit to abandon a method which has worked for so long.

I really wish I knew what I'm gonna do, but odds r I'll be dead before that. I truly do wish I could do so much more, but the world isn't ready to actually help those truly troubled. Until then, instead of trying to fix their problems, it's just easier and less risky to lock them up and/or mass medicate them. Weird how euthanizing isn't an option tho heh.
 
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