I promised to respond to all the kind and lovely people who posted good well and recovery wishes and were supportive. I still have not gotten my internet set back up (I had to replace my router and modem as I threw them away, and it's been a pain in the ass to activate so I've been procrastinating lol). I'm at the library so here I am to deliver my promise. Trying to multi-quote a mass amount of messages on my phone was too daunting of a task as I'm overwhelmed with how much of my life I messed up before the attempt and have still yet to repair. My energy and distress tolerance is currently very nil. Hopefully it restores with self-compassion and patience, as I'm currently trying to hold off on the gallows dance. Either way I cannot live like this. As all who read this knows, I could no long bare my pain, and could barely care for myself due to it. I hope I can heal from my sickness, but the fear I never can and may need a peaceful exit prematurely still lingers.
ETA: Sorry, I didn't mean to ignore that you are feeling pretty hopeless atm
But your posts seem full of hope to me reading them, if that makes sense
The pendulum forever swings back and forth, oscillating between hopefulness and hopelessness at the speed of light. I discovered I have BPD (which I suspected prior), so that may be why. The smallest of triggers, like knowing my bills are late, running into people I've yet to talk to since being MIA in my apartment, having to utilize federal and state resources, reminding myself of all the items I donated, and preparing for returning to work, sets me off. I am curious if anyone who has attempted can relate. I feel like my emotions being all over the place is normal right now. A failed attempt is not something you just bounce back from. It's been over a week since I was discharged, but it's still fresh. Healing is slow, but hopefully worth it.
I did not feel as if you were invalidating my feelings of hopelessness. Before I attempted, they were consistently constant. They are now fleeting and sometimes hope breaks through. You made an astute observation! I'm just trying to remind myself that it's understandable to feel the way I'm feeling after everything I've been through (even if it was self-inflicted).
I am so glad to see you again and although they could be under better circumstances, I am relieved you haven't suffered lasting damage from your attempt.
I actually reunited on some pretty good circumstances all things considered. While I'm still very stressed and overwhelmed with trying to pick up the pieces, I did
not fuck up my life beyond repair as I previously resumed. I was upset that I did not cause permanent damage initially as I worried people would think my CTB attempt was not serious and that I was merely gesturing for attention. Now that I'm in a better place, I realize that wasn't true and that I am lucky to not be disabled as I would certainly would have no choice other than to CTB if that were the result.
You're absolutely right, your pain isn't a burden to others.
Thank you. I wish I realized that before. The only people it is a burden to are those who don't matter. I'm lucky I survived and fully recovered.
What's your outlook on life now. Your story was touching to me because I feel the same way you did
It's exactly the same as it was before. Life is utterly meaningless (which isn't necessarily a reason to CTB imo. You can still be happy without a purpose or meaning. Life is truly a marvel to savor. My only caveat is I could not enjoy the beauty of the world anymore, so why carry on if all I could feel was pain, hopelessness, and emptiness?), it is selfish to force people to live in pain at all costs to not bare the burden of grief or feeling responsible for a person's death (as if they're that important lol), and everyone is chained to authoritarianism and capitalism. The only way to be free is to not give up and to live out of spite, but if you can't feel anything beyond pain or numbness, CTB should be viable for those who want it.
I'd say the only outlook that has changed is my view on myself. I see myself as worthy of respect and kindness (well, sometimes. As I mentioned earlier, this can shift back to self-hatred in seconds. Yay to BPD unstable self image!) I now see recovery as feasible for me (unless I'm being naive). I realize that I am too remorseful to be a bad person, and that shame actually leads to hurting people instead of bettering ourselves. I do not believe in a literal God, yet I still believe the idea of a God not wanting to hate ourselves as we were made in his image and he loves us is a beautiful concept in the metaphorical sense. I know in a literal sense childhood me would not like how adult me has treated myself at all.
I am sorry you have felt the same way as me. It is a lonely hell isn't it? I hope things get better for you if you so desire.
I'm so glad you are here and that you now are focusing on recovery
thank you for updating us. I have also decided to focus on recovery. I'm happy to talk in private messages if there's anything you want to talk about. I know we didn't speak before, but as someone who is not out of the woods but also trying to live, we could help support each other if we need.
Wishing you all the best.
you can feel free to message me whenever as well! Peer support is an undervalued tool. People who have been there have helped me more than professionals if I'm being honest.
I'm sorry your attempt didn't work as planned, but tbh I'm glad it didn't I missed seeing your posts and I'm glad you are deciding to give recovery another go, remember we're in this shit together
I'm glad it didn't work too. I think I would have made a mistake if I did CTB as I realize my reasoning for doing so was based on faulty logic. If I do end up wrong, CTB is forever an option, but I am blessed to have a second chance.
These are the kinds of real-life experiences people who have a narrow view that this forum is a suicide death cult should pay attention to.
100%
The death cult stereotype needs to die. Not allowing suicidal people to support one another and not be free to be honest and speak out against dark truths probably leads to more deaths than pro-lifers realize. they don't care about suicidal people; just their own ego. If this was a death cult I'd be egged on, but people are so supportive! Even those who goaded me on my old account were banned! Screen shot this people! Spread the word! Protect our safe spaces!
I've been a lurker here for months and finally made an account just because of this post. This is the most relatable post I've ever seen here by far and your writing is wonderful. I truly hope you find peace and happiness in wherever you end up in life and/or death. You're such an amazing person <3
Absolutely sweet of you to go out of your way to sign up because of me! I'm flattered!
Library is closing in 2 minutes. If I didn't quote you, remember that I love you.
you got this.
no worries.
