My CTB plan

[hihi2027]

Hello everyone. I know this type of thread is created basically every week, so you may just skip over this one. This thread probably won't get that many reacts or comments because my story is not that interesting or, I suppose, 'tragic'. It's not going to be remembered by anyone nor will I be remembered by anyone. But I would appreaciate it if you did not skip this thread and gave my story the time of day. I'm under so much psychological stress right now so I want to know that someone understands my pain.

The reason I will commit ctb is because I do not like being alive. If you look on the outside everything looks normal. But no one can see the numbness, the depression, the anxiety. Everyday is a humiliation ritual. I never feel compentent, I am not good at anything. There is no point in having dreams anymore because they will never come true. I am not skilled enough or talented enough to make any of my projects to come to fruition. I all ready see the futuee ahead of me and it is very bleak. It will be a life of regret, a medicore, awful existence. All that will be left of it is me slowly passing away of old age after achieveing nothing in life. I absolutely cannot bear the thought of reaching old age. I am not going to continue to live until that happens, it's just too awful of an idea. I want to end it as painlessy and as quickly as possible.

I already have a method and a plan in place, it is just a matter of reaching the conditions to execute it. Right now, I need to get a car so I can get away from home when the moment is right. I am lucky to live in an area where I can easily purchase a firearm to blow my brains out. My hero is a 12 gauge shotgun slug to the brainstem. I even have the angle planned, just behind the ear. I have to gather the funds in order to purchase one though. Then there's the matter of location. I cannot do it at the house because there's no way to do it without getting caught by the parent. I'll have to rent a room somewhere and there I will finally have some privacy. Maybe I can just drive somewhere and then shoot myself in the car.

It's terrible how hard they make it for people who want to die. We have to go through all these steps to ensure the least painful method. Plus society's outlook on ctb and how we are treated for a condition that they play a large part in inflicting us with.

I'll update this thread when I make some progress on my plan. Please wish me luck. It is going to be a long, awful process. I hope I will finally get peace by the end of it.

 

[decadance]

i feel the same as you and we have very similar plans. i wish you so much luck

 

[darksouls]

I wish you the best of luck

 

[50/50]

Hello everyone. I know this type of thread is created basically every week, so you may just skip over this one. This thread probably won't get that many reacts or comments because my story is not that interesting or, I suppose, 'tragic'. It's not going to be remembered by anyone nor will I be remembered by anyone. But I would appreaciate it if you did not skip this thread and gave my story the time of day. I'm under so much psychological stress right now so I want to know that someone understands my pain.

The reason I will commit ctb is because I do not like being alive. If you look on the outside everything looks normal. But no one can see the numbness, the depression, the anxiety. Everyday is a humiliation ritual. I never feel compentent, I am not good at anything. There is no point in having dreams anymore because they will never come true. I am not skilled enough or talented enough to make any of my projects to come to fruition. I all ready see the futuee ahead of me and it is very bleak. It will be a life of regret, a medicore, awful existence. All that will be left of it is me slowly passing away of old age after achieveing nothing in life. I absolutely cannot bear the thought of reaching old age. I am not going to continue to live until that happens, it's just too awful of an idea. I want to end it as painlessy and as quickly as possible.

I already have a method and a plan in place, it is just a matter of reaching the conditions to execute it. Right now, I need to get a car so I can get away from home when the moment is right. I am lucky to live in an area where I can easily purchase a firearm to blow my brains out. My hero is a 12 gauge shotgun slug to the brainstem. I even have the angle planned, just behind the ear. I have to gather the funds in order to purchase one though. Then there's the matter of location. I cannot do it at the house because there's no way to do it without getting caught by the parent. I'll have to rent a room somewhere and there I will finally have some privacy. Maybe I can just drive somewhere and then shoot myself in the car.

It's terrible how hard they make it for people who want to die. We have to go through all these steps to ensure the least painful method. Plus society's outlook on ctb and how we are treated for a condition that they play a large part in inflicting us with.

I'll update this thread when I make some progress on my plan. Please wish me luck. It is going to be a long, awful process. I hope I will finally get peace by the end of it.

How old are you?

 

[pk@2001]

I hope you might find solace in your endeavours

 

[hihi2027]

i feel the same as you and we have very similar plans. i wish you so much luck

Thank you for replying and wishes

I wish you the best of luck

Thank you

How old are you?

20 soon to turn 21

I hope you might find solace in your endeavours

I hope so as well

 

[hihi2027]

I just compromised my own plan. The person I live with found out that I dropped out of college and now they are wanting me to go back and finish up what I started. Here's the thing, I have absoluetly zero interest in college. There is nothing there that interest me at all and wont help me with my plan. I don't want to spend 8 or whatever just want to start working at whatever job and start saving, but that won't appeal to their ego. This a direct conbritutor to my reason to ctb, amoung many other reasons. But I was weak and registered anyway. Now I will have to postpone my ctb until a later date because of this, and in the meanwhile take miserable classes for a degree that I have no interest in. There is nothing I can do.

 

[hihi2027]

I feel like a husk that has no purpose in life. I just go through each day with the thoughts over and over and over again. Life is like a record player that keeps on repeating the same static again and again. Same repeating thoughts of suicide that hold my mental state in constant numbness. Nothing seems interesting enough to seriously go after. A career? A family? A significant other? Traveling the world? It all seems so far away and meaningless. It seems meaningless when you know that you will commit ctb in the end. I will die from ctb no matter what happens. I dont deserve to be alive because im such a weak, pathetic worthless husk. Nothing will cure that, nothing at all. Even if I won a billion dollars tomorrow i will still ctb since life is just not worth it. All that would do is just speed up the plan of, well, you already know.

My favorite part of the day is sleep. Even as a child I always looked forward to retiring to bed every night and dreaming of impossible feats. Oh, everything felt possible in your dreams! No responsibilites, no mental issues, no pressures. The worst part is waking and all the dreams disappear. You're back in hell again. You are a loser again. Sleep is the closest thing we have to experiencing death. Because death is like nothing. When you die, you will not feel anything. You won't feel time pass, you wont see anything, you will not hear anything, you will not experience anything, you will not taste anything, you will not feel pain, you will not feel happiness, you will not feel anger, you will not feel sadness, you will not be hungry, you will not be jealous, you will not yearn, you will not be depressed... You will not feel anything. Sleep is like a taste of death. It is beautiful, absolute bliss. I want to sleep permanently.

 

[hihi2027]

Let me tell you about my suicide attempts. It's kind of embrassing to go through an attempt and fail but here I am. My first attempt was via a plastic bag. I didn't do that much research and the idea was mostly from fictional television shows. You know how they always show people passing out in like 5-10 seconds just from putting a bag on their head? Yeah, that's why I choose to do it. I was already suicidal and wanted to escape. So I waited until 2 am when everyone was asleep and attempted. Unfortuantly I didn't seal the bag with an airtight seal. I used my hands to attempt to cover the gaps between the plastic and my neck but obviously it wasn't strong enough/i didnt have enough coverage or grip to fully cover the air from escaping. Anyway, I just sat there was I waited to feel something happen and well, nothing happened. Looking back I needed to use something like tape to cover up the gaps, but even then I've pretty sure it still wouldn't work. I can't remeber where i saw this, ive seen some study where someone wrapped a bag around their head and sealed it with tape or something, while someonr else in the room watched. They did go unconscious but SI kicked in and ripped a hole in the bag so air went through. I guess its just not a reliable method so thats why it didnt work for me. Even then I would most likely panic from air starvation and rip the bag off before unconsiousness even kicked in. My second attempt was an overdose via salt. You know, kitchen salt they use in cooking? My inspiration came from one case where someone drank an entire bottle of soy sauce and died the next hour. Unfortunatly I didn't get to succeed with this method. At first, I poured a tablespoon of salt into a water bottle and tried to drink it all down one night but it was so salty and tasted so bad that I almost vomitted. Did not drink enough for anything to happen other than feeling really weird and nauseous. My third attempt was another attempt at salt overdose. This time I tried to just eat the salt directly without mixing it with anything and of course it failed and I was left disapointed. My fourth attempt was yet again another salt overdose which went just as poorly (or good depending on your perspective on life). I researched the method somemore after failing and saw that you would have to eat an ungodly amount of salt to even fall unconsious depending on your body weight. even then it is a long and painfully drawn out process that is essentially, a non-method. Thank you for reading my post.

 

[hihi2027]

Later today is my learners permit exam. I haven't studied as much should have due to my mental issues. It sucks to have awful amounts of anxiety where I can't believe in the future, then basically procrastinate until I fall into deeper and deeper into depression and failure. But I have studied despite being a total failure, I just hope it's enough.

 

[hihi2027]

By some miracle I passed the exam and have a learners permit now. lucky me

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

By some miracle I passed the exam and have a learners permit now. lucky me

Congrats.

 

[caotic_realm]

I feel like a husk that has no purpose in life. I just go through each day with the thoughts over and over and over again. Life is like a record player that keeps on repeating the same static again and again. Same repeating thoughts of suicide that hold my mental state in constant numbness. Nothing seems interesting enough to seriously go after. A career? A family? A significant other? Traveling the world? It all seems so far away and meaningless. It seems meaningless when you know that you will commit ctb in the end. I will die from ctb no matter what happens. I dont deserve to be alive because im such a weak, pathetic worthless husk. Nothing will cure that, nothing at all. Even if I won a billion dollars tomorrow i will still ctb since life is just not worth it. All that would do is just speed up the plan of, well, you already know.

My favorite part of the day is sleep. Even as a child I always looked forward to retiring to bed every night and dreaming of impossible feats. Oh, everything felt possible in your dreams! No responsibilites, no mental issues, no pressures. The worst part is waking and all the dreams disappear. You're back in hell again. You are a loser again. Sleep is the closest thing we have to experiencing death. Because death is like nothing. When you die, you will not feel anything. You won't feel time pass, you wont see anything, you will not hear anything, you will not experience anything, you will not taste anything, you will not feel pain, you will not feel happiness, you will not feel anger, you will not feel sadness, you will not be hungry, you will not be jealous, you will not yearn, you will not be depressed... You will not feel anything. Sleep is like a taste of death. It is beautiful, absolute bliss. I want to sleep permanently.

What you wrote is poetic... It's exactly how I feel, too; and what's more, I don't think you're an empty shell—not if you were able to write this. You are, in fact, "the whole"—you embody the feelings of so many of us here who want to be free and stop suffering in this life. The empty shells are the ones out there working, trying to hook up, traveling the world, aspiring to be millionaires, owning houses and cars, seeking fame... Those are the true empty shells.

 

[TimeTraveling4]

The person I live with found out that I dropped out of college and now they are wanting me to go back and finish up what I started. Here's the thing, I have absoluetly zero interest in college. There is nothing there that interest me at all and wont help me with my plan. I don't want to spend 8 or whatever just want to start working at whatever job and start saving, but that won't appeal to their ego. This a direct conbritutor to my reason to ctb, amoung many other reasons. But I was weak and registered anyway. Now I will have to postpone my ctb until a later date because of this, and in the meanwhile take miserable classes for a degree that I have no interest in. There is nothing I can do.

When are you planning on CTB now? I don't understand why you can't CTB while in college. Can't you get a job while still in college.

 

[hihi2027]

When are you planning on CTB now? I don't understand why you can't CTB while in college. Can't you get a job while still in college.

I am not allowed to.