My childhood is the root cause of my problems

[bl33ding_heart]

I usually don't fully comprehend how bad my childhood was and the extent to which it still affects me to this day. I know being severely mistreated as a child is the cause of my bpd of course. But I always think I'm over my childhood trauma simply because it doesn't occupy my mind most of the time, and the only thing really occupying my mind is the unbearable symptoms of my bpd and ocd. I still have nightmares of being beaten by my dad or of being assaulted, but I never see what I went through as a kid as something that detrimentally impacts my adult life. I had a dream last night that made me really rethink that. In the dream I was going on a trip somewhere with my siblings, and uncles and grandparents. On the way to the car I was made to carry the most heavy things possible, and I'm the physically weakest out of most of my family and siblings. I asked both of my siblings if they could help me out and they laughed at me and refused, and called me weak. When we actually got to the car everyone started getting in and seemed to completely forget there would be no space for me. I just asked "hey so where am I supposed to sit" and they just shoved me into some tiny and secluded space in the car while they all got to sit on a normal seat. I can't remember the rest of the dream clearly but all I can remember is being made fun of by my family and being treated horribly. And it felt so heartbreaking. For some time after I woke up those feelings of heartbreak were still lingering. I did often get left out and treated horribly by my family, although my siblings usually didn't treat me that badly. I genuinely thought I was done caring. I plan to move countries and start a new life far away from my family anyways. I don't want them to be apart of my future. Since I can so easily move away without a care in the world I didn't think my feelings could still be deeply hurt by them. But childhood wounds don't just suddenly disappear now that you're an adult. They turn into nasty scars that will probably stick with you until you die.

 

[SASU-KE]

Your plan of moving to a different country and starting a new life is excellent. I usually recommended the same thing to several people here as well. It gives you a clean slate.

You are also right that these scars stay with you and don't heal easily though. Part of the problem is as young children we are dependent on family and can't get away from them. Things would be a bit different once you're independent. You can put distance between people who hurt you and don't treat you well Including your family.

Better times will come.

 

[enso]

Hi!

Thanks for your story!

Dreams can be a tool for us to relive some previous events, which reasons/effects/consquences were not fully consciously understood. And your dream is really an excellent example!

If you are interested, there are some works of Carl Jung, he was founder of one of psychoanalysis schools and heavily used and tried to interpret dreams and link them to idea of communication between our conscious "ego" and unconscious "id".

Childhood wounds and all other traumas are just a part on environment that makes us to become who we are. Without those childhood memories, would you be on SS? Would you have the same interests and same personality traits? Well, history doesn't have subjunctive mood, but we can say, that most likely you would absolutely different person. But you couldn't, because things happened as they happened and due to many factors these things couldn't happen other way too.

How do you think, what these memories and dreams mean for you now? Do you want things had happened other way? Do you think, what happened during your childhood was unfair to you? Maybe, it one of those feelings?