ikiruNObungaku
I'm literary nonsense.
- Jan 3, 2026
- 74
I have three siblings. All of them have attempted more than once; a few attempts I had to witness personally. The first time, I was very young in elementary and I did not quite understand what I saw. I found them and assumed they were sick when they were not moving on the floor, but when I got older I realized it was an overdose. Then I witnessed another sibling attempting, and then my father started to express his suicidal thoughts to me when I was young, and I think that harmed me quite badly. I did not like hearing that, but by middle school I had come to understand a lot about suicide and wanted to go too. Everyone but my mother wanted, or wants to, die. She is the most strong-willed woman I know.
Looking back at those events when I was a child, I wonder if they influenced my thoughts now where I am more accepting to the idea. I like to question myself a lot how I turned out this way. I have seen a lot of horrible things that I do not think I should of as a child. But because of that, I think it made me feel unworthy to feel such a way. I tend to think "they are going through a lot, probably more than me, so I should not act like I am feeling down." I do a good job hiding my stress, worry, and thoughts because I have been doing it for so long.
One day, my father expressed to me that he might as well die if I were to be unsuccessful, because my older sibling has given up on doing anything. They do not go to school, and they do not work, and both of my parents have come to accept that. I get a little tired of carrying this weight, it is hard, but I am trying to do my best. Though I think I would feel so much happier if I were dead, so I happily wait for that day.
What about all of you, though? I hope I did not ramble too much. I would like to know if other people, who have had suicidal family members, have had their idea of living and dying impacted positively or negatively. I really enjoy hearing how other people think too. Your stories are very meaningful to me.
Looking back at those events when I was a child, I wonder if they influenced my thoughts now where I am more accepting to the idea. I like to question myself a lot how I turned out this way. I have seen a lot of horrible things that I do not think I should of as a child. But because of that, I think it made me feel unworthy to feel such a way. I tend to think "they are going through a lot, probably more than me, so I should not act like I am feeling down." I do a good job hiding my stress, worry, and thoughts because I have been doing it for so long.
One day, my father expressed to me that he might as well die if I were to be unsuccessful, because my older sibling has given up on doing anything. They do not go to school, and they do not work, and both of my parents have come to accept that. I get a little tired of carrying this weight, it is hard, but I am trying to do my best. Though I think I would feel so much happier if I were dead, so I happily wait for that day.
What about all of you, though? I hope I did not ramble too much. I would like to know if other people, who have had suicidal family members, have had their idea of living and dying impacted positively or negatively. I really enjoy hearing how other people think too. Your stories are very meaningful to me.
