LilGhost
Shark
- Apr 8, 2026
- 161
Funny title for a funny action. Gonna try to hang myself in an hour or so. Tried partial, didnt work, tried full hanging before too, but i fucked up with the anchor point, now hopefully the homework done correctly
I am drinking grape monster. I rarely choose this flavor. It tastes sad. First time I tried it was with my ex best friend. We were at the huge window on campus, me saying it didnt taste like wine, tho i didnt really remember the taste of it, just wanted to look cool, as I had a big pause in years from drinking, which was funny, as I just became an adult. I also remember her explaining why she doesnt like artificial falvors. That was same place a friendship break up happened few month after. And then another, with her.
I do miss it. We grew up so... different. It pains me to remember that day.
So at some point I started avoiding this flavor unless I want this sweet sad feeling on my tongue. It really does taste nice, but I like when I can taste the fakeness of the flavor. Its really much better than real grapes.
I feel.... sad. I actually do. Who could have thought loneliness could eat people alive? Not me. I was alone my whole life. Now I tasted friendship. I tasted what "mattering" means. And thats something you cant forget. Sure. I ruined it myself. I was depressed. I stopped mattering the way I did and I got scared. But perhaps the end would still be the same. People come to me, start being close, I open up, I stop masking. And they leave.
I tried to be more then a "college friend" They ignored it. I thought they didnt understand. Now I believe they did. I just wasnt worthy. I tried to jump higher then my head. I thought we were "chosen family" with two of them... they were siblings. So of course when things went south with one of them.... id be left behind by second one too. After all... I am not a "real" sibling. I never was someones first. I wish somebody would choose me. Is being somebody's first choice... platonically... is it to much? Others people choices are usually their family or partner.... I can not fall in love. I can not no matter how much i tried! Should I just lie to people? Say "i am in love" to a random person? Why the fuck i am so broken. My family isnt normal either. None of them like me. I mean, I guess my sibling to some extend. But its more "ig you are in my life". As soon as they get a better choice, they are out. To be fair... Me too. We were doomed from the start. I dont think i can ever fully forgive them for trying to kill me.....
Care is a fucking drug. I didnt know it before and I was fully fine with it. Just why.... why did they leave me after showing what affection is? Care? Hope? I wish I never knew it. Id rather be dry emotionless piece of shit i was years ago, but now i cant. I tasted it.
And i know thats not the end of the world. There has to be someone whod love me for who I am! There are 8 billion people on Earth! If the most unlikable beings manage to get popularity and within that love, I must be able to be love by at least one person! But I am to tired. I have to many visible flaws. This someone would have to like me looking past my sickness, past my lack of emotions, past my neurodivergency, past physical disabilities, past me being non binary.... scars... how tired i am. I have to many flaws for people to just accept. I cant even hide them no matter how much I tried!! I could feel people faces "dropping" as when we talk at the table its all good, but then i leave and take my cane out and, well, thats immediate showing a flaw
I dont know why grapes taste like salt. Thats... weird. I want to play something and then go with my plan. My head hurts and world already goes dizzy from tears... If anybody else having energy drinks right now.... Cheers!
I am drinking grape monster. I rarely choose this flavor. It tastes sad. First time I tried it was with my ex best friend. We were at the huge window on campus, me saying it didnt taste like wine, tho i didnt really remember the taste of it, just wanted to look cool, as I had a big pause in years from drinking, which was funny, as I just became an adult. I also remember her explaining why she doesnt like artificial falvors. That was same place a friendship break up happened few month after. And then another, with her.
I do miss it. We grew up so... different. It pains me to remember that day.
So at some point I started avoiding this flavor unless I want this sweet sad feeling on my tongue. It really does taste nice, but I like when I can taste the fakeness of the flavor. Its really much better than real grapes.
I feel.... sad. I actually do. Who could have thought loneliness could eat people alive? Not me. I was alone my whole life. Now I tasted friendship. I tasted what "mattering" means. And thats something you cant forget. Sure. I ruined it myself. I was depressed. I stopped mattering the way I did and I got scared. But perhaps the end would still be the same. People come to me, start being close, I open up, I stop masking. And they leave.
I tried to be more then a "college friend" They ignored it. I thought they didnt understand. Now I believe they did. I just wasnt worthy. I tried to jump higher then my head. I thought we were "chosen family" with two of them... they were siblings. So of course when things went south with one of them.... id be left behind by second one too. After all... I am not a "real" sibling. I never was someones first. I wish somebody would choose me. Is being somebody's first choice... platonically... is it to much? Others people choices are usually their family or partner.... I can not fall in love. I can not no matter how much i tried! Should I just lie to people? Say "i am in love" to a random person? Why the fuck i am so broken. My family isnt normal either. None of them like me. I mean, I guess my sibling to some extend. But its more "ig you are in my life". As soon as they get a better choice, they are out. To be fair... Me too. We were doomed from the start. I dont think i can ever fully forgive them for trying to kill me.....
Care is a fucking drug. I didnt know it before and I was fully fine with it. Just why.... why did they leave me after showing what affection is? Care? Hope? I wish I never knew it. Id rather be dry emotionless piece of shit i was years ago, but now i cant. I tasted it.
And i know thats not the end of the world. There has to be someone whod love me for who I am! There are 8 billion people on Earth! If the most unlikable beings manage to get popularity and within that love, I must be able to be love by at least one person! But I am to tired. I have to many visible flaws. This someone would have to like me looking past my sickness, past my lack of emotions, past my neurodivergency, past physical disabilities, past me being non binary.... scars... how tired i am. I have to many flaws for people to just accept. I cant even hide them no matter how much I tried!! I could feel people faces "dropping" as when we talk at the table its all good, but then i leave and take my cane out and, well, thats immediate showing a flaw
I dont know why grapes taste like salt. Thats... weird. I want to play something and then go with my plan. My head hurts and world already goes dizzy from tears... If anybody else having energy drinks right now.... Cheers!
