LXXCH
angelmaker
- Apr 3, 2024
- 63
Right now I live with my mom and my younger sister, but my mom has been in and out of prison (currently in prison) my whole life leaving me to raise my little sister and take care of all the bills and etc. My plan was to wait to ctb until my sister was out of high school and an adult so I no longer have to care for her. Well she's turning 18 this month and graduating this year, she also has job offers lined up for her and I'm super proud of her and I know she'll make it far through life.
However she knows I'll ctb if I stay here any longer due to my failed attempts and scars and decided to message my bsf and asked her to see if I can move 5hrs away to go live with her and to keep this post short my friend said yes, that she'll try and find a place with 3br since she already planned on moving soon.
I know all of this sounds good but it makes me feel sick knowing someone would go this far to make sure I don't ctb and I feel somewhat betrayed by my friend for also helping when she also believes in pro choice when it comes to ctb. It's all so overwhelming for me because I do not want to be "saved" by them. I know I have a choice wether or not to move but if they actually succeed, for my sister I will drag on living until I physically can't anymore but if they don't succeed I still want to ctb but I love my sister so much and I don't want her nor my friend to think the reason I'm gone is because they "failed" at "saving" me.
I hate that ctb isn't as normalized as it should be because all of this pain could've been avoided if I could just go get euthanized at a hospital instead of having to have my body found somewhere. I didn't ask to be born so why is this so hard?
However she knows I'll ctb if I stay here any longer due to my failed attempts and scars and decided to message my bsf and asked her to see if I can move 5hrs away to go live with her and to keep this post short my friend said yes, that she'll try and find a place with 3br since she already planned on moving soon.
I know all of this sounds good but it makes me feel sick knowing someone would go this far to make sure I don't ctb and I feel somewhat betrayed by my friend for also helping when she also believes in pro choice when it comes to ctb. It's all so overwhelming for me because I do not want to be "saved" by them. I know I have a choice wether or not to move but if they actually succeed, for my sister I will drag on living until I physically can't anymore but if they don't succeed I still want to ctb but I love my sister so much and I don't want her nor my friend to think the reason I'm gone is because they "failed" at "saving" me.
I hate that ctb isn't as normalized as it should be because all of this pain could've been avoided if I could just go get euthanized at a hospital instead of having to have my body found somewhere. I didn't ask to be born so why is this so hard?
