Venting Mourning

[angeldust]

its only been a day but i dont think ill ever stop thinking about him. i dont think i want to forget him he helped me so much made me feel normal and i dont know what to do anymore. how can i feel better? i dont know if feeling better is worth it, he wouldve wanted me to i just cant. i feel like hes watching me constantly i really wish i couldve left with him. whatever short term goals i had before dont feel like they matter, i just wanna join him as soon as i can, this really makes whatever problems i had before seem like nothing. thanks for reading

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's such a cliche but all I can really say is- it's bound to take time. It could be a lot of time. Personally, I think it's important to feel and express grief though. To allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling. I still grieve for family members that have been gone for 30 years, 40 years. It's sadly a part of life I'm afraid but it's bound to feel especially intense at the moment. I'm sorry. Do you have people you can talk to about him? To share your grief? That used to help me. I used to cry with my Nana about my Mum.

 

[angeldust]

there are a few people i could talk to, i spent the whole night talking to another friend about this they were helpful but the pain keeps coming back ill miss him forever it feels like ill never meet anyone like him he didnt deserve this his last message to me was "im calling an ambulance i dont wanna do this" and i still havent heard from him it hurts to think he regretted it in the end. im sorry for your loss i hope you feel better one day i know it cant be easy

 

[IluvSparky]

its only been a day but i dont think ill ever stop thinking about him. i dont think i want to forget him he helped me so much made me feel normal and i dont know what to do anymore. how can i feel better? i dont know if feeling better is worth it, he wouldve wanted me to i just cant. i feel like hes watching me constantly i really wish i couldve left with him. whatever short term goals i had before dont feel like they matter, i just wanna join him as soon as i can, this really makes whatever problems i had before seem like nothing. thanks for reading

My husband died almost six months ago, and i still feel like you do. You don't have to forget him, you don't hve to move on right now. You're not going to ever feel better about it - you're going to learn to live with it. If i knew how that was going to happen, I'd share with you, but I don't see it either (hence coming here). He is watching you constantly. If you are interested, look up FB groups 'soulmates in the afterlife'. I can feel my husband and communicate like a medium. We have two kids together, and i havce another son with my ex husband. If they weren't here, I'd be gone for sure. I resent having to be the one to stay so i dont fuck them up completely. I hate it here. I know i can get through it, i know i'm strong enough, but I dont want to. He's the first person who really knew me for me and accepted me. It took 30 years to find him, and we only got 10 years. There's no one else. But the thought that my kids would think I chose to leave them keeps me here. I started smoking bc it takes 7min off your life, and have a job where i sit all day. Planning to not go to the doc ever so maybe if I get sick it'll be too late to treat. I don't like this life I was forced into. I just hate everything about it. I used to LOVE my job and now i hate it. Everything changes. You're not alone in this club no one asked to join. And no one understands what it's like unless they lived it. 100% of your identity changes. and people say stupid things like 'you'll find someone else, you're young'. NO ONE would tell a parent that they could have another child... So, just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. People tell me to take it minute by minute and if you get up and get out of bed, you win.

 

[person357]

I don't know what the chances are, but I really, really, hope he did manage to call an ambulance that eventually saved his life and perhaps he is still in treatment and recovering and that's why you didn't receive a message from him.
I'm really sorry for your heartbreaking experience. If he has passed away I truly hope that with time you'll feel less and less pain from his departure

Your thread got me to think about the effect my death will have on my ex. When I read what you wrote I imagined reading it as if my ex wrote it about me after I CTBed. I helped her through difficult times and she's much better now. I want to believe that my ctb won't affect her greatly. I really hope so.

 

[Forever Sleep]

there are a few people i could talk to, i spent the whole night talking to another friend about this they were helpful but the pain keeps coming back ill miss him forever it feels like ill never meet anyone like him he didnt deserve this his last message to me was "im calling an ambulance i dont wanna do this" and i still havent heard from him it hurts to think he regretted it in the end. im sorry for your loss i hope you feel better one day i know it cant be easy

I'm so sorry. Yes, I can understand why that must be so upsetting. Honestly- you won't meet another person exactly like him. That's what will always make that relationship and him special. I doubt you would even want to replace him- as it were. You will likely meet other people you will become close to though. I expect some pain and sadness will always remain but I've found that time does at least make them fade slightly.

Ultimately though- I think death is so hard to cope with because we lose the bit of ourselves that we shared with them when they die. So in effect- a part of us dies too. We know we won't get that back too- which is so hard.

Honestly, I'm dreading the next big loss in my life. It's been a while since I had that intensity of grief but just the thought of it sets me off.

Your circumstances are very hard though. I wasn't sure initially whether it was suicide but it's a very traumatic thing you went through there. I'm sure it comforted him greatly to have your support then. I can't really try to comfort you with his last words. I can see why they are so upsetting. I expect it is quite a frightening process though. Perhaps it was the uncertainty of it all that got to him. I hope you do find out what happened for your own closure and know that you did a very brave and loving thing to be there for him at the end.

 

[angeldust]

My husband died almost six months ago, and i still feel like you do. You don't have to forget him, you don't hve to move on right now. You're not going to ever feel better about it - you're going to learn to live with it. If i knew how that was going to happen, I'd share with you, but I don't see it either (hence coming here). He is watching you constantly. If you are interested, look up FB groups 'soulmates in the afterlife'. I can feel my husband and communicate like a medium. We have two kids together, and i havce another son with my ex husband. If they weren't here, I'd be gone for sure. I resent having to be the one to stay so i dont fuck them up completely. I hate it here. I know i can get through it, i know i'm strong enough, but I dont want to. He's the first person who really knew me for me and accepted me. It took 30 years to find him, and we only got 10 years. There's no one else. But the thought that my kids would think I chose to leave them keeps me here. I started smoking bc it takes 7min off your life, and have a job where i sit all day. Planning to not go to the doc ever so maybe if I get sick it'll be too late to treat. I don't like this life I was forced into. I just hate everything about it. I used to LOVE my job and now i hate it. Everything changes. You're not alone in this club no one asked to join. And no one understands what it's like unless they lived it. 100% of your identity changes. and people say stupid things like 'you'll find someone else, you're young'. NO ONE would tell a parent that they could have another child... So, just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss. People tell me to take it minute by minute and if you get up and get out of bed, you win.

youre a lot stronger than i am this is really inspiring i cant stop thinking about what he would say to me now but maybe i dont need to know if i can somehow see him again im sure we'll have a lot of time to catch up and talk about things. you really helped me see what to expect going forward and it makes sense because no i dont think ill forget him but the pain must be lessened somehow this is just impossible to deal with right now

I don't know what the chances are, but I really, really, hope he did manage to call an ambulance that eventually saved his life and perhaps he is still in treatment and recovering and that's why you didn't receive a message from him.
I'm really sorry for your heartbreaking experience. If he has passed away I truly hope that with time you'll feel less and less pain from his departure

Your thread got me to think about the effect my death will have on my ex. When I read what you wrote I imagined reading it as if my ex wrote it about me after I CTBed. I helped her through difficult times and she's much better now. I want to believe that my ctb won't affect her greatly. I really hope so.

i hope he was saved in time but knowing what he drank it really is hard to imagine he made it if he did manage i think id fly out to see him and give him the biggest hug i can afford. i hope i dont hurt anyone when i go

I'm so sorry. Yes, I can understand why that must be so upsetting. Honestly- you won't meet another person exactly like him. That's what will always make that relationship and him special. I doubt you would even want to replace him- as it were. You will likely meet other people you will become close to though. I expect some pain and sadness will always remain but I've found that time does at least make them fade slightly.

Ultimately though- I think death is so hard to cope with because we lose the bit of ourselves that we shared with them when they die. So in effect- a part of us dies too. We know we won't get that back too- which is so hard.

Honestly, I'm dreading the next big loss in my life. It's been a while since I had that intensity of grief but just the thought of it sets me off.

Your circumstances are very hard though. I wasn't sure initially whether it was suicide but it's a very traumatic thing you went through there. I'm sure it comforted him greatly to have your support then. I can't really try to comfort you with his last words. I can see why they are so upsetting. I expect it is quite a frightening process though. Perhaps it was the uncertainty of it all that got to him. I hope you do find out what happened for your own closure and know that you did a very brave and loving thing to be there for him at the end.

i dont want to replace him i dont think i could if i do live through this chapter of my life its gonna hurt even more ill just keep getting older and he'll just always be the same age i feel so guilty i wish i couldve helped him more i hope hes at peace now. i spent the entire time that he was getting ready to leave with him i didnt want him to be alone i wish i couldve told him that i loved him i just didnt want to make it any harder or awkward for him this is the worst pain ive ever felt in my life