Want to be mourned

[mordumfan]

Does anyone else feel like they want to be mourned? In a sick way I would like to die and everyone around me to feel bad. Not necessarily my family, more so my coworkers. I don't have many friends so yeah. There's train tracks near my work, like right next to it. A freight train goes through often. I think about putting my head on the tracks. To die a brutal death. Then I think maybe my boss will see I was trying as hard as I could? They will see that I was struggling, and recognise my sluggishness and lack of energy as a symptom and not laziness.

Maybe I would get a mural or something? That would be beautiful, but the other half of me would like to just disappear. Die in the woods, so I couldn't be found. I remember when I was thirteen or even twelve, talking to my stepdad about suicide. He told me that suicide was selfish, and that the least selfish thing you could do is go somewhere you won't be found and do it.

I truly don't see a future for me. I'm tired, that's all.

 

[unluckysadness]

I can relate to this feeling. But selfish ? Suicide ? Your stepdad doesn't know anything about suicide. It's the least selfish thing. It's just too much suffering, that's all.

 

[redmindbluesoul]

I constantly fantasize about what music should play at my funeral once I actually get to do it, I get your feeling, that feeling of constant anger because people don't understand what you're actually going through, thinking to yourself that everyone overperforms but you simply aren't able to do so. The feeling of being late to everything, as in anything that's supposed to be important —whether it's a normal reunion, or general life prospects—. I fantasize about being remembered for being ostracized, but I wouldn't really care if people didn't remember me at all. If it helps, I hope that you do feel understood, that there's someone out there going through the same things you're going through.