Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
Today after having anxiety attack & emotional flashback was still not ok but wanted to go to a group.
Did go. Type in chat instead of speaking. Just said it was hard to talk. Didn't explain thi think nost people there kno at least some of struggles?
The group was like a tarot theme thing. During ones reading I really felt like they were saying things... to me passive aggressively. Like doing a reading and yeah... bc their partner had said similar things months ago.
Could be CPTSD paranoia but this time around... gut feeling says nahh its not just paranoia.
Asode from that I'm just feeling very... well tbh a lil sad amd then also frustrated and annoyed. Bc in general the partners comments month ago and shit were not fucking heloful and... I'm 1. Sick of the lack of understanding around freeze trauma response. Going on the CPTSDfreeze subreddit has been life changing fr fr. 2. It made me realize the suggestions and not asked for advice from the partner months ago were sooo fucking misguided. Dangerous actually but like they never asked me what I thought or anything or what ik.
They maybe kno like a bit of my story. My life story is long and filled with lots of abuse and such. Im finally starting to see CPTSD as a reflection if the degree of the abuse. Not a personal failure.
Most people wouldn't have survived my life. I've been told that by others and its kinda starting to sink in. Hell I barly survived. It always seemed like nothing but now that I am able to experience the pain and such of it all safely... yeah it's... my life was awful.
No one understands what it is likw to have lived through all of that and what's it's like to live with it. Hell... it's been maybe a yr since the sexual assaults stop consuming me. They don't fucking kno that. They may kno I experienced that but they don't kno it wwnt on for 3 yrs. They don't kno he tried to sexually black mail me/ revenge porn me. He sent pictures to my moms fucking phone. He wouldn't stop contacting me until I went to the police. They dont kno anything. And again thats just a small portion if my life.
Its becoming alienating to realize... nobody understands how much strength its taken and takes to keep living. One can make fast judgements and throw around advice but.... I don't want that. I just need to be heard. I'll ask... I kno how.
Just... I mean to understand it you'd have to have gone through it and part of my passion within getting into mental health & advocacy is so no one has to experience my life... or the healing is easier
So I'm just.... processing. Ik for me they are not people for me. Im ok with that. I hope they continue to be good friends to my friend.
That's all.
Been doin a bit better these past few days... I'm tryin to live.
Did go. Type in chat instead of speaking. Just said it was hard to talk. Didn't explain thi think nost people there kno at least some of struggles?
The group was like a tarot theme thing. During ones reading I really felt like they were saying things... to me passive aggressively. Like doing a reading and yeah... bc their partner had said similar things months ago.
Could be CPTSD paranoia but this time around... gut feeling says nahh its not just paranoia.
Asode from that I'm just feeling very... well tbh a lil sad amd then also frustrated and annoyed. Bc in general the partners comments month ago and shit were not fucking heloful and... I'm 1. Sick of the lack of understanding around freeze trauma response. Going on the CPTSDfreeze subreddit has been life changing fr fr. 2. It made me realize the suggestions and not asked for advice from the partner months ago were sooo fucking misguided. Dangerous actually but like they never asked me what I thought or anything or what ik.
They maybe kno like a bit of my story. My life story is long and filled with lots of abuse and such. Im finally starting to see CPTSD as a reflection if the degree of the abuse. Not a personal failure.
Most people wouldn't have survived my life. I've been told that by others and its kinda starting to sink in. Hell I barly survived. It always seemed like nothing but now that I am able to experience the pain and such of it all safely... yeah it's... my life was awful.
No one understands what it is likw to have lived through all of that and what's it's like to live with it. Hell... it's been maybe a yr since the sexual assaults stop consuming me. They don't fucking kno that. They may kno I experienced that but they don't kno it wwnt on for 3 yrs. They don't kno he tried to sexually black mail me/ revenge porn me. He sent pictures to my moms fucking phone. He wouldn't stop contacting me until I went to the police. They dont kno anything. And again thats just a small portion if my life.
Its becoming alienating to realize... nobody understands how much strength its taken and takes to keep living. One can make fast judgements and throw around advice but.... I don't want that. I just need to be heard. I'll ask... I kno how.
Just... I mean to understand it you'd have to have gone through it and part of my passion within getting into mental health & advocacy is so no one has to experience my life... or the healing is easier
So I'm just.... processing. Ik for me they are not people for me. Im ok with that. I hope they continue to be good friends to my friend.
That's all.
Been doin a bit better these past few days... I'm tryin to live.
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