NSFW Megathread Venting

[rexzellius]

i can't take it anymore. the failures, the amount of disrespect towards myself. i'm seeking therapy, seeing my OB, a psychiatrist, i'm a 20-25 year old trans man with no life ahead of him. living with his boyfriend's parents. lived 20 years at my mother's house prior with 1 year job experience and 1.5 years dedicated towards college before i fucked that up too and decided to not go. then my fiancee unfortunately passes away, i miss him. the months passes, my boyfriend and i were happy, but i didn't grieve properly, then we broke up later. it broke me. mentally. tried to date somebody who acted and looked similar to him. we're dating. but i saw somebody else, and i want to take care of him for the rest of my life. he's his own person, i learned over the years we spent together, i moved out of my house. started a code academy, liked it, felt liek a failure when i couldn't figure out the problem. problem solving wasn't achieved until after i moved out of my house. mother abused me. brother abused / sodomzied me. both belittled me. bruises all over my legs. i remember another 8th grader taking my body for granted. police involved. mother scolded me. i'm exhausted. i want to end my life. this near-end code academy program. behind on my project. can't code, mental block. even if i face this boulder in my yard head-on its always sturdy and it hurts. i feel like a spider, my skin molding and i need to shed it to break free from this imprisonment. playing P5, my new escapism. the story-telling enraptures me. i like the fights, reminds me of pokemon. happy place. but temporary. i hate reality. i hate myself. i can't do this. i get so close to the end that i back out and steer away. only to feel more depressed, i want to be free. i can't do this. people being happy and kind towards me is alienating. it's strange. i don't understand it. why do they care about a nobody. no other platform will let me type all this out. i am glad this forum exists. i need the vent. i can't do this alone. but i don't want to be around people. i don't want to bhe around myself. i want to run away, get kidnapped, get raped & get shot. my biggest fear. mother instilled this fear inside my head, hoping i wouldn't escape her wretched household. she yells at me. she tells me i am a woman. brother punches me. hurts. my cat is hurting, they hate her. i can't take her here because of covid. brother 30 and still lives with mother. he's fat, repulsive, no shower for 6 months. grabs me, digs his knuckle into my skull. i can't take it. i want to be gone. where am i anymore. does therapy help? i don't know. people say i look more vibrant but i will never change. i keep telling myself this because it's true. i keep telling myself i'll fail my project because it's true. mental block. can't think about it or else i will feel sad. avoid it. avoid my group project members and mentor. too ashamed to face them knowing i've failed them. they expected more out of me. i forget to drink and eat to finish this project. i can't make excuses, i am lazy, nihilist, cheater, anti-social, hateful, weak. negative qualities outweigh the good ones. haha, i can't be alive to save my life. where am i anymore?? i'm on a blank canvas surfing through life without a life guard to aid me. is this it? am i just going to die like this without people ever knowing my name or my accomplishments? haha, it has been a good run. where am i? what is this place.? what's this. i don't know anymore. i like the P5 reality, move to japan and escape america. hate being dehumanized for trans identity. my life a living hell. curl up and die. what's it like being normal? can somebody with a rational brain figure out my components and re-wire them? this medicine is dogshit. this help is dogshit. i'm disconnected from myself. hahashaha, wow, what's wrong with me/????? i see this screen and these words and yikes i'm so weak. i should cut, was close to. used my hamster to do that. bled. high school. bit my arm in middle of class, can't stand people who hate me be seated in front of me. god. this world if full of cruel people. but i'm no exception. the world doesn't revolve around me so just take the bullet and shoot me in the head ok ty.