Married and suicidal

[DriftingToOblivion]

This is not an impulse thing, I have waited literally decades to get better. I am now sorry I married my partner. She is not a bad person and I do not want to hurt her but it wasn't right for me and did not solve my pain and anguish.

Now my head is spinning with thoughts, such as:

Just do it. Don't tell anyone. My family will be shocked. Although this seems easiest for me I can't bring myself to do it to them.

Tell my partner. I am very afraid of how she will react. She may make efforts to stop me. However I know her biggest fear is running out of money and this would effectively solve that for her.

Ask for a divorce first. Try to explain why marriage doesn't work for me. Perhaps I would feel less guilty knowing she has moved on first. The arrangements I would have to make are similar anyway. This might be just as painful for her though so I don't know.

Stick it out as long as possible. That is the present course but it doesn't feel fair to myself. If it was helping me I wouldn't be on this forum writing about it today.

I haven't come up with any other possibilities yet. I have researched my method, I have what I need, I have tested it and all that's left is the planning, however long that takes.

 

[Spite]

I'm in the exact same predicament, and it's making my final decision (whether to kill myself or not) very difficult. If I wasn't married I probably would have left this world by now. I'm pretty much only living for my wife, my mother, and my grandparents, because I don't want them to be heartbroken by my death and they don't deserve to be subjected to such mental agony.

I have a good wife. She is a good person, and I love her.

I've wanted to die for several years now. I remember years ago always thinking to myself that if I found a partner, got engaged, and married, I was certain my quality of life would increase drastically. And now here I am, one year into my marriage, and I still want to die - now more than ever in my entire life. I really don't think there is anything in this world that can 'fix' me. I'm too far gone, I'm too broken. I can never see myself being happy and enjoying life. I'd feel this way irrespective of whether I was married or not. I want to die because I fundamentally dislike this existence. Nothing can change that.

Regarding the four thoughts you listed, right now I seem to be going with the fourth one (sticking it out as long as possible) and just seeing what happens. I also get that feeling of it being unfair to myself, though. I'm making myself suffer every day just to ensure they aren't devastated for the rest of their lives.

Just doing it seems viable but also very difficult because, again, you don't want to inflict that mental agony onto them.

I personally wouldn't tell your partner especially if you're afraid and unsure on how she will react. It could be disastrous. I've never told my wife just how bad my suicidal thoughts and urges are. I've alluded to being depressed when I've talked with her, but I've never explicitly said to her I'm seriously considering killing myself. She doesn't know I have very detailed mental visions in my head of killing myself every single day.

Divorce before CTB? Maybe? But that would still devastate her and I don't really think that's going to soften the blow when it comes to committing suicide.

I know how hard it is being in this situation and I wish there was a way to exit this life without hurting our loved ones. It makes me feel so trapped and you probably feel the same and all I can say is I'm sorry and I just hope you'll be able to find peace someday, somehow.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

1. Don't go in a horrific manner.
2. Don't leave a mess ie sort out affairs.
3. Leave on good terms.
4. A note explaining your feelings/reasons.

Apart from that, when it's time to go it's time to go.