NSFW Malformed from childhood sexual abuse

[argonian_maid]

Mostly venting because I have no where else to say this but also wondering if anyone has similar experiences.

I was SA'd by my older sister at a young age for a few years. My therapist says it's normal to not know the exact amount of time or dates. She was never SA'd which makes it more confusing. We have abusive parents so that might explain it.

She made me promise to keep it a secret and I didn't feel safe talking to my parents about it anyways. Now it's too late for anyone to help me. I never developed real social skills because I feel like I have to hide all of my problems, and physically hide from people in general. When I do have to interact with people I just make fun of myself to make them laugh then find an excuse to leave and hide.

I've been apathetic before I even became a teenager. Never took anything seriously and hid from most everyone, now I'm 30 with 0 achievements or ambitions. Started therapy for this a few years back but the damage has already been done.

part of me is sad that I'm ctb before I've been in a real relationship. At least I'm bi and was able to hook up with guys. It's hard to explain but I feel much more attracted to Women but when I start to think about getting close my brain stabs itself.

I feel terrible leaving behind my cat and my only friend. Working on finding my cat a good home and I hope my friend can forgive me in time. I just can't continue anymore. What were supposed to be the best years of my life were awful, staying alive feels like rubbing salt in the wound at this age. Like, it's only going to get worse from here so I may as well leave now.

 

[LuxFox]

I feel this a lot, something happened to me, and I just feel robbed, I feel like it ruined so much, its not fair

 

[thelostautistic]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm really really sorry you had to go through this.
Sounds a bit like my story, but I'm a woman and it was my 'dad' who abused me.

I'm a lot older than you are, went through a shit load of therapies/ medicine.

Not sure if this will help you in any way...but for me ' he took my childhood, I don't want to let him take the rest too' is a consolation.
I'm not telling you it's easy, absolutely not. Every day is a struggle.

But I've experienced some good and beautiful things in between, and I'm glad I did . I have a son, pets, who make me feel like I worth it, give me purpose

Not saying you should try the same, just want to let you know, you're not alone.

Wishing you love

 

[argonian_maid]

I'm really really sorry you had to go through this.
Sounds a bit like my story, but I'm a woman and it was my 'dad' who abused me.

I'm a lot older than you are, went through a shit load of therapies/ medicine.

Not sure if this will help you in any way...but for me ' he took my childhood, I don't want to let him take the rest too' is a consolation.
I'm not telling you it's easy, absolutely not. Every day is a struggle.

But I've experienced some good and beautiful things in between, and I'm glad I did . I have a son, pets, who make me feel like I worth it, give me purpose

Not saying you should try the same, just want to let you know, you're not alone.

Wishing you love

Thank you, I'm trying to adopt the mindset of "don't let them take away more time" like you. But I'm struggling a lot with basic social skills and it's hard to not feel behind in life for my age. Still grieving about who I could've been and it feels like it's my fault for keeping this a secret for so long; not admitting to myself about how much this affected me.

I'm doing EMDR therapy but just recently since I had to get sober first. It's starting to feel pointless but ig I shouldn't give up at this point.

I'd like to start dating but intimacy with women still scares me. So it seems unreachable because I need to improve social skills, get over my fear, and lose weight. Even though I'm bi I'd still prefer a woman as a life partner for some reason idk why tbh. I've hooked up with guys but idk if that's what I want long term. Still mind-fucks me that internalized homophobia was infinitely easier to deal with lol

 

[Myforevercharlie]

What a nice open reply!

If you ever want to talk, my ears still work:)

 

[miyabi]

Mostly venting because I have no where else to say this but also wondering if anyone has similar experiences.

I was SA'd by my older sister at a young age for a few years. My therapist says it's normal to not know the exact amount of time or dates. She was never SA'd which makes it more confusing. We have abusive parents so that might explain it.

She made me promise to keep it a secret and I didn't feel safe talking to my parents about it anyways. Now it's too late for anyone to help me. I never developed real social skills because I feel like I have to hide all of my problems, and physically hide from people in general. When I do have to interact with people I just make fun of myself to make them laugh then find an excuse to leave and hide.

I've been apathetic before I even became a teenager. Never took anything seriously and hid from most everyone, now I'm 30 with 0 achievements or ambitions. Started therapy for this a few years back but the damage has already been done.

part of me is sad that I'm ctb before I've been in a real relationship. At least I'm bi and was able to hook up with guys. It's hard to explain but I feel much more attracted to Women but when I start to think about getting close my brain stabs itself.

I feel terrible leaving behind my cat and my only friend. Working on finding my cat a good home and I hope my friend can forgive me in time. I just can't continue anymore. What were supposed to be the best years of my life were awful, staying alive feels like rubbing salt in the wound at this age. Like, it's only going to get worse from here so I may as well leave now.

You've done really well to make it this far. I also had prolonged childhood abuse, but not sexual. People don't understand that once you're an adult it's already too late. You can't ever forget it and stuff like that changes you forever.

Hope the EMDR is helpful. A lot of colleagues have vouched for it being useful for their PTSD.