S
sisyphus_
Member
- Feb 3, 2024
- 26
Hello,
I have never been suicidal before and I've always cherished life and thought that I would never ever think of killing myself, I love life and I strive for improving my situation no matter what is going on. But this all changed and I've hit the lowest point of my life ever.
I'm 27, a software engineer and I've done well in life and some level of success (despite some traumatic events in my upbringing) and I navigated my world with resilience and hard work even though I've had some level of anxiety from time to time (let's say in the form of mild episodes but infrequent), I graduated and landed a great job and worked really hard, got promoted and few raises, I was also living on my own in a nice place, life was GREAT. Unfortunately I have also made bad decisions such as smoking weed heavily and participating in building a startup on the side with some people which left me really overworked.
All that has been ongoing for 2 years, until the day I had a panic attack out of nowhere. That shattered my world and I have gone from someone who's active, energetic, charismatic and overflowing with confidence to a shell of a person, I have suffered from periods of depersonalization/derealization and life was a living hell. I have gone to a psychiatrist of course and I followed up with the treatment and started taking anti-depressants for 6 months until I could get a little better. It was hell but I pushed through it and kept my job luckily because the workload was really low for me at that time.
About a year after that panic attack, I was much better but not entirely healed, I have started gaining my confidence back. But I made a TERRIBLE mistake, the worst mistake of my life, I had an opportunity to take a job at a prestigious company with a big raise (53%) but with much more stress and insane workload, I have been hesitant about it but I took it and left my comfortable job, mind you at my comfortable job I was well respected for my great contributions and had many privileges of remote work and flexible hours and low workload. At the new job it was HELL, insane workload, very long hours (9am - 9pm) and work was very tight deadlines. I lasted 3 months there before I crashed down and quit, I have sustained a lot of damage from that and my anxiety went over the roof and I just couldn't keep going.
Now I'm back to living with my parents just recovering from all that (I've only quit like a month ago) and the regret of changing jobs is killing me, I feel like I ruined my life with that decision, I feel like I didn't prioritize my mental health and got greedy and thought I could just make it work.
I'm battling with suicidal thoughts every day and I'm sinking lower and lower and I've become very serious about it to the point of planning exactly how I would do it and I feel like that's where I'm headed.
Any help would be really appreciated
I have never been suicidal before and I've always cherished life and thought that I would never ever think of killing myself, I love life and I strive for improving my situation no matter what is going on. But this all changed and I've hit the lowest point of my life ever.
I'm 27, a software engineer and I've done well in life and some level of success (despite some traumatic events in my upbringing) and I navigated my world with resilience and hard work even though I've had some level of anxiety from time to time (let's say in the form of mild episodes but infrequent), I graduated and landed a great job and worked really hard, got promoted and few raises, I was also living on my own in a nice place, life was GREAT. Unfortunately I have also made bad decisions such as smoking weed heavily and participating in building a startup on the side with some people which left me really overworked.
All that has been ongoing for 2 years, until the day I had a panic attack out of nowhere. That shattered my world and I have gone from someone who's active, energetic, charismatic and overflowing with confidence to a shell of a person, I have suffered from periods of depersonalization/derealization and life was a living hell. I have gone to a psychiatrist of course and I followed up with the treatment and started taking anti-depressants for 6 months until I could get a little better. It was hell but I pushed through it and kept my job luckily because the workload was really low for me at that time.
About a year after that panic attack, I was much better but not entirely healed, I have started gaining my confidence back. But I made a TERRIBLE mistake, the worst mistake of my life, I had an opportunity to take a job at a prestigious company with a big raise (53%) but with much more stress and insane workload, I have been hesitant about it but I took it and left my comfortable job, mind you at my comfortable job I was well respected for my great contributions and had many privileges of remote work and flexible hours and low workload. At the new job it was HELL, insane workload, very long hours (9am - 9pm) and work was very tight deadlines. I lasted 3 months there before I crashed down and quit, I have sustained a lot of damage from that and my anxiety went over the roof and I just couldn't keep going.
Now I'm back to living with my parents just recovering from all that (I've only quit like a month ago) and the regret of changing jobs is killing me, I feel like I ruined my life with that decision, I feel like I didn't prioritize my mental health and got greedy and thought I could just make it work.
I'm battling with suicidal thoughts every day and I'm sinking lower and lower and I've become very serious about it to the point of planning exactly how I would do it and I feel like that's where I'm headed.
Any help would be really appreciated