Venting I just quit twice in two days

[kovu]

So, I've recently begun a new job, and, on paper, it's pretty perfect for me—on paper. The thing is, I don't like it, and for the entirety of my being there (three and a half weeks), I've felt like I'm suffocating. Yesterday, I decided to, well, fuck it, quit, and pursue what I actually want to do. This has many negatives, of course, such as binding me longer to my mother's very volatile household, keeping me from making money for the time being (which means no therapy either), etc.

Of course, as soon as I'd quit (even though I'd been thinking about it for the last two weeks a lot—and I mean every single waking thought), I thought I'd squandered a cushy job with adequate pay and tons of security/stability (government-affiliated, so bullet proof). The grass is always greener…

Therefore, today, I rescinded my request to leave. And as soon as I did that… guess what? I felt like my chest was getting crushed. This also brought some stress for the organisatory people (because I was to get trained with some somewhat-far-away and constantly-booked-out seminars and stuff, and they had to get me back in. They did that, and I quit again. In an e-mail. Right before I left for the day (tbf, everyone was already home, so I couldn't have done it face-to-face).

My question: What is wrong with me? Did I make a mistake (twice)? Should I go on Amazon and buy myself a thick skin for tomorrow?

To pursue my dream, I'll need to get in a 'Fachhochschule' (idk if other countries have something like that, but in Austria, it's like a school-esque university, i.e., stricter schedule, etc. Also, often harder to get into. Therefore, one reason to stick with the job was to avoid the anxiety of having to go through a multi-level application process and (at least my strong, pessimistic part would think so) failing, getting a rejection letter, feeling stupid and humiliated.

Should I have stuck with the job? If I had, I wouldn't be walking into a, probably, very uncomfortable situation tomorrow morning (gotta work till the end of the month).

The problem is that my current education is very business-focused, but I've discovered (rather recently) that I love working with people. Therefore, I'd like to get a job in the health sector. But what if all the applicants of the FH are going to be better, non-business-education picks? Probably with sharper minds for the application tests because most are going to apply while they're still at school, etc.

I hate my impulsiveness, and I hate that I can't ever stick to any decision I make. What is wrong with me? If anyone has some reassuring words (even if you honestly think I'm stupid), I'd love to hear them. Thanks for reading my anxiety ramble. Also, I'm writing this on the phone on the train, so I can't properly format rn.

Whoops, meant to put this as a standalone reply:
I'm feeling a lot like Andy from 'The Office', when he quit to pursue his dream of becoming famous. And yeah, feeling like Andy doesn't feel good at all.

 

[untothedepths]

Is it management or being treated poorly? To be honest with you, I think most jobs are throwing people into the metaphorical woodchipper and expecting people to be okay with being treated like trash. It's not right, but that's what the grind culture of our world is all about. That's my issues with it anyway, how it treats people. Sadly, no such thing as a perfect job. Maybe the next one you get I'd keep, work it, and definitely save up so you can move out of your mom's house. If things are unstable there I might hazard a guess that you are taking a lot of stress from that and being expected to go through stress from work. Oh yeah, limit doom scrolling too. Might not seem like it but social media and news outlets can really drive down morale when you are dealing with clients/customers/other humans beings.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Yes, it would be very useful if you could always act on rational grounds, but people are not robots. It is important to live a life that looks like yourself- there is probably something better to do with that attitude.

 

[kovu]

Is it management or being treated poorly? To be honest with you, I think most jobs are throwing people into the metaphorical woodchipper and expecting people to be okay with being treated like trash. It's not right, but that's what the grind culture of our world is all about. That's my issues with it anyway, how it treats people. Sadly, no such thing as a perfect job. Maybe the next one you get I'd keep, work it, and definitely save up so you can move out of your mom's house. If things are unstable there I might hazard a guess that you are taking a lot of stress from that and being expected to go through stress from work. Oh yeah, limit doom scrolling too. Might not seem like it but social media and news outlets can really drive down morale when you are dealing with clients/customers/other humans beings.

That's the problem: this isn't the problem. The people are incredibly nice, and the atmosphere, expectations, everything is pretty much amazing. But I just can't get myself to work a job that doesn't do anything but earn me money—the sole thought has led me, someone who's afraid of getting off a train when there are many people behind me (how do door buttons work again!?) to summon up the courage to quit twice. And I feel terrible because of it.

Other people have to work in terrible, toxic environments just to survive, and I can't even bring myself to work for 2-3 years to earn money, move out, and try to get some tertiary education then?

I'd just rather die than work a job that doesn't have any effect on the world—I want to do something where I actually, actively help people. And I feel arrogant because of it, as though other people can slave away while I need to do something meaningful. Like, who do I think I am?