Sinkinshyp
Paragon
- Sep 7, 2020
- 947
Dec 28th I had a heart attack. I was wanting to sign my self out against medical advice. I needed to get home to my animals especially my dogs. They are never not at my side. If I leave them in my room to pee they bark and cry. The cardiologist begged me to let him at least do a stress test and if it wasn't dangerous he would let me go home. He said it was a very real possibility I go home and drop dead. My mom, brother, sister in law and 3 young nephews live at my house. I couldn't go home and die and they find me. They rushed the stress test. He said he had seen worse. I need stents and a cardiac cath but refused to stay in hospital to do it. He said he had seen worse and would allow me home. I must restart my blood thinner shots or I will have another heart attack very soon. I stopped them when my son died because I've been wishing for a deadly clot. The blood thinners help get blood through the blockages to my heart, never knew that. I have multiple blood clotting disorders. I have been taking the heart meds prescribed and restarted my blood thinners.
Since my son died just past 3 years ago all I have wanted to do is die to be reunited with him. The cardiologist said 100% I will have more heart attacks-genetics, the amount of damage, high genetic cholesterol since a teen etc.. It's giving me a lot to think about. I honestly have wanted to die. I go to sleep wishing I don't wake up and when I wake up I think my sons gone.. I don't want to be here. I had a full suicide plan. I was waiting on the right time.
I have a change of heart even more now. While I have been hanging in recovery trying to be in recovery I still had in my mind I am going to end up doing my suicide plan when the timing is right. I've been doing much thinking since the heart attack. I want to learn how to live. I died with me son. Slow steps I need to figure out who Iam. I cannot die and leave my younger son with a survivor guilt- I coulda, I shoulda I woulda. It would destroy any chance at a normal life he could have. He is the one reason I did not ctb when my older son died. He is the reason I've been here the last 3 years 2 and a half months post the death of my older son and who I was.
In addition to all that- my right hand flopped over. I have no use of it. Only my pointer finger works. I had to go back to the hospital. It's radial ulnar nerve palsy. An IV damaged my nerve. I had to have 3 different IV's. Heparin needed its own dedicated line. It was put into my right hand, I rolled over in bed and felt my stomach get warm and wet. I was drenched in blood. I rolled over to my back and the heparin line IV was half way out. It wasn't taped in. I had a huge bubble on my hand and blood was gushing all over. They had the heparin flow as high as it would go trying to thin blood to get to my heart for the heart attack. reading IV nerve damage it can take a long time to recover if at all.. will have to see neurologist to find out more.
Since my son died just past 3 years ago all I have wanted to do is die to be reunited with him. The cardiologist said 100% I will have more heart attacks-genetics, the amount of damage, high genetic cholesterol since a teen etc.. It's giving me a lot to think about. I honestly have wanted to die. I go to sleep wishing I don't wake up and when I wake up I think my sons gone.. I don't want to be here. I had a full suicide plan. I was waiting on the right time.
I have a change of heart even more now. While I have been hanging in recovery trying to be in recovery I still had in my mind I am going to end up doing my suicide plan when the timing is right. I've been doing much thinking since the heart attack. I want to learn how to live. I died with me son. Slow steps I need to figure out who Iam. I cannot die and leave my younger son with a survivor guilt- I coulda, I shoulda I woulda. It would destroy any chance at a normal life he could have. He is the one reason I did not ctb when my older son died. He is the reason I've been here the last 3 years 2 and a half months post the death of my older son and who I was.
In addition to all that- my right hand flopped over. I have no use of it. Only my pointer finger works. I had to go back to the hospital. It's radial ulnar nerve palsy. An IV damaged my nerve. I had to have 3 different IV's. Heparin needed its own dedicated line. It was put into my right hand, I rolled over in bed and felt my stomach get warm and wet. I was drenched in blood. I rolled over to my back and the heparin line IV was half way out. It wasn't taped in. I had a huge bubble on my hand and blood was gushing all over. They had the heparin flow as high as it would go trying to thin blood to get to my heart for the heart attack. reading IV nerve damage it can take a long time to recover if at all.. will have to see neurologist to find out more.
