Venting Writing this sitting in the hospital...

[a.fool]

I don't know if this is the right section to write this but here we go.
I don't have anybody else to talk this to right now.
At the time, I was about to have a mental breakdown but I stopped myself somehow because I can't show my vulnerability in the public.
For context, I'm from India and right now I'm in a government hospital. For those who don't know, the healthcare system is fucked up and if it's a government hospital then it means you're going to suffer and nothing else. Not just doctors but the whole staff thinks they are superior and treat people like shit.

My father's health isn't ok. He had severe infection in his body but physically he's just doing ok (touchwood). He's currently on antibiotics to kill the infection and he probably needs to get hospitalized to get IV antibiotics. Since last one week, I've been running to this shitty hospital and here and there. It means you have to stand in ques. But my dad can't come to the hospital to show his reports as he is the bread winner of the family and he has to go to work everyday. He did take a day off and come here to get all the tests done but I'm the one who just comes here now to sow the reports.

So what actually happened today is that I was showing the reports to the doc and asking him questions and I don't think there's anything wrong in asking those questions as I am really scared for my dad which is also the reason why I'm getting continuous panic attacks since a week and had one today too. But this doc shouted at me saying he needs to see other patients too and I'm asking too many questions and to be honest he wasn't even paying attention to me. I did tell him that my dad can't come because he needs to go to work and he still shouted at me saying I shouldn't ask these many questions if I don't have the patient with me right now. I had asked him whether my father needs to be admitted to the hospital or he'll be ok with just antibiotics and he lost his cool. I couldn't do anything tbh I just said thank you and went away when I was breaking down inside holding my tears back.
I am really vulnerable and been suffering from anxiety and all this is making it just worse. Today I was sitting on my bed and couldn't get out of the bed for an hour because I was too afraid of the result of the tuberculosis reports that I had to collect from the hospital. Well the reports aren't still there yet and will take 10 more days because this hospital sucks. The reason we can't admit him to a private hospital is because we don't have money. We can't afford that and we don't have any medical insurance. I've been getting anxiety attacks all throughout this time with me not being able to breathe, having sharp chest pain and my hands shaking and my heart racing and my brain going numb.
Tbh my heart hurts and I am too young (18) to deal with so much in my life.
I have always been a runner and I'm a runner when it comes to facing problems and difficult situations, I always panic. But I'm still facing it and I still came to the hospital today all the way while having an anxiety attack and not being able to breathe because I have no other option tbh. I want to die because I want to escape everything literally everything in my life.

To all those suffering, my heart goes out to you and I'm sorry for all that you are going through.

PS: don't tell me to go see a psychiatrist, I don't want to take antidepressants they give me PTSD because of my past experiences.

If you read it till now, thanks for listening to my vent.

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. That doctor is a fucking cunt.

I wasn't going to suggest medication, it doesn't work for everyone (myself included). You can take anti anxiety meds that are for heart conditions, and anxiety. Sometimes they can help take the edge off.

I really hope you it eases a bit for you soon, your life sounds incredibly stressful.

 

[Sylveon]

Reading stuff like this makes my blood boil; people here, especially the government sector employees, have unreal amounts of ego. I'm really sorry you had to go through all that; take care, OP, and don't be too harsh on yourself; it's not your fault.

Wishing a speedy recovery for your dad; sending virtual hugs. <3

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you had to go through all this at such a young age, it really breaks my heart. Is there any other family member to share the burden with? I wish you strength through all this difficult time and I hope your dad gets a good news. Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can. Like mentioned above you can benefit from taking a medication to help with your anxiety. And don't blame yourself some people with higher power tend to be rude or just plain douchebag.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I wish you strength! We're here for you! All the best for you and your dad!

 

[a.fool]

Am sorry you had to go through all this at such a young age, it really breaks my heart. Is there any other family member to share the burden with? I wish you strength through all this difficult time and I hope your dad gets a good news. Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can. Like mentioned above you can benefit from taking a medication to help with your anxiety. And don't blame yourself some people with higher power tend to be rude or just plain douchebag.

There's nobody else who can help. I do it and nobody is even there to appreciate it tbh.

 

[rozeske]

There's nobody else who can help. I do it and nobody is even there to appreciate it tbh.

Am so sorry, feeling unappreciated can feel a lot more draining than the things we do that take our physical and mental energy. I feel your frustration

 

[unabletocope]

Sounds tough. Best wishes to you and your dad

 

[Mayonaise]

The doctor's behavior is totally unacceptable. No wonder it caused you so much distress. You're carrying a very heavy burden and you're still going on - you're tough, that's for sure.
But what makes you think that "nobody is even there to appreciate it"? How could your family not appreciate your efforts?

 

[a.fool]

The doctor's behavior is totally unacceptable. No wonder it caused you so much distress. You're carrying a very heavy burden and you're still going on - you're tough, that's for sure.
But what makes you think that "nobody is even there to appreciate it"? How could your family not appreciate your efforts?

They don't appreciate it. Nobody understands my mental health and they don't understand that doing stuff is hard for me and I still try even if I struggle. All they say is what do I even do? Like they mean I do nothing.

 

[Mayonaise]

They don't appreciate it. Nobody understands my mental health and they don't understand that doing stuff is hard for me and I still try even if I struggle. All they say is what do I even do? Like they mean I do nothing.

You referred to your father as a very sweet man so I really doubt you "mean nothing" to him. Maybe they don't fully understand you because you keep all your troubles for yourself, and I understand that. I kinda stopped talking about how I feel with my parents because they can't really help me, so I chose to spare them my day-to-day suffering. But maybe it's not the right choice for you. Would you feel better if your parents were more supportive?

 

[a.fool]

You referred to your father as a very sweet man so I really doubt you "mean nothing" to him. Maybe they don't fully understand you because you keep all your troubles for yourself, and I understand that. I kinda stopped talking about how I feel with my parents because they can't really help me, so I chose to spare them my day-to-day suffering. But maybe it's not the right choice for you. Would you feel better if your parents were more supportive?

They are supportive sometimes but my sister is really toxic my parents specially my mom had two sides where she's nice but them also gets really angry and I'm frustrated because I don't have the energy to deal with her bad side every single day. She tries to understand me but unfortunately she can never understand me no matter how much she tries. My dad is actually sweet tho, he understands my efforts.

 

[Mayonaise]

They are supportive sometimes but my sister is really toxic my parents specially my mom had two sides where she's nice but them also gets really angry and I'm frustrated because I don't have the energy to deal with her bad side every single day. She tries to understand me but unfortunately she can never understand me no matter how much she tries. My dad is actually sweet tho, he understands my efforts.

I know about your sister, if she doesn't understand the situation just tell her to leave you alone. I understand when you're talking about people having two sides, but almost everybody has. Nobody's perfect, maybe not even the Dalai Lama. I know it's exhausting having to deal with the "bad" side of people when you're struggling, but please consider your mother is unwell too. It's very hard to understand mental disorders for people who never experienced them, no matter how supportive and caring they are or how hard they try. Even my parents are not able to fully understand my issues, but it doesn't matter to me, what really matters is they try. I think your parents are doing their best. Your father seems to be the one who understands you the most, I suggest telling him how you feel about your sister and let him help you with that. Does it make sense to you?

 

[imnotsurewhy]

I m very sorrry

 

[a.fool]

I know about your sister, if she doesn't understand the situation just tell her to leave you alone.

She won't understand. She's really insensitive.

I understand when you're talking about people having two sides, but almost everybody has. Nobody's perfect, maybe not even the Dalai Lama. I know it's exhausting having to deal with the "bad" side of people when you're struggling, but please consider your mother is unwell too. It's very hard to understand mental disorders for people who never experienced them, no matter how supportive and caring they are or how hard they try.

My mom has anxiety and she gets anxiety attacks, I can understand her mental health but she doesn't understand it herself. She's stressed and the only reason of her Anxiety is me, she worries about me too much, maybe me just ending my life will make hers easier.

Even my parents are not able to fully understand my issues, but it doesn't matter to me, what really matters is they try.

I'm glad your are trying. My mom still keeps nagging even when I tell her very single day that it gives me anxiety and I can't breathe. She tells me how lazy I am and all I do is be on that damn phone all day and she says how I will not be able to do anything in my life and I'm not capable of doing anything and that I'm really dumb and my brain doesn't work. I don't even need to find negativity outside of my house, it's all inside and it's eating me away. She also thinks she has the right to beat me up and keeps saying that she'll beat me up if I don't behave when I yell.

I think your parents are doing their best. Your father seems to be the one who understands you the most, I suggest telling him how you feel about your sister and let him help you with that. Does it make sense to you?

My father does understand me but he has another side too. He doesn't know it but somewhere he's also suffering from depression. He's in a lot of pain. Also he can't help. My parents don't talk to each other.

 

[Mayonaise]

Ending your life won't make anything easier for your family, they'll grieve and feel guilty because they'll realize they didn't help you enough. You say that you father is depressed too, thus he can probably understand you. Have you tried talking to him honestly? I mean, does he know that you feel your home to be so toxic? Is there something he can do?
You can't carry this burden alone, it's too much. Seriously, he must at least try to protect you

 

[a.fool]

Ending your life won't make anything easier for your family, they'll grieve and feel guilty because they'll realize they didn't help you enough.

Well I won't be here anymore to see any of that so it won't matter. If they can't help when I'm suffering, let them grieve. To be honest even sometime my mom gets fed up of me and when I say I want to die, she tells me to go die.
Also I've sat her and talked to her properly about how her nagging or repeating things and shouting on me and all these things give me anxiety attacks and I have trouble breathing, she did stay good for 2 days but then she gets back to her same self and now when she nags behind me, she says she knows it gives me anxiety but then I should behave properly if I don't want her to shout at me and she also keeps telling me how much she spent through years on me and my education and that I'm doing nothing now and I will never be successful and that I just use my phone all day and eat and I have no sense of responsibility, tbh I believe all this is true which is also why I feel like I want to die.

You know, there's constant occurance of problems, various problems in my life and my 18 yr old brain ane heart is really really tired of facing it. I get daily attacks and my mental health is so fucked. Every single thing triggers my anxiety and I can't deal with these real life physical problems anymore. It's really so hard for me you know, I have no one who actually understands what I'm actually going through and in real I have no one to help me get through problems like these constant health problems of my parents. I really wish I had money, things could have been better. I get panic attacks before going to the hospital. I stay in my bed for hours just feeling like time won't move if I don't move. I get panic attacks even in the hospital but I still have to go do all the things and I actually do all the things with my anxiety attacks going on .

You say that you father is depressed too, thus he can probably understand you. Have you tried talking to him honestly?

You know when I first ever started to get antidepressants, I told him everything about my mental health then but he didn't understand me and didn't even try to understand me.

I mean, does he know that you feel your home to be so toxic? Is there something he can do?
You can't carry this burden alone, it's too much. Seriously, he must at least try to protect you

He's also a runner like me, he runs away emotionally. He does know everything and the toxicity of the house and that's why he doesn't stay at home all the time, he goes to parks and all. And he goes to nearby small park where go reads his spiritual books. He can't help at all. And I understand and it's ok.

 

[Mayonaise]

I hate being a hypocrite so I will refrain from writing cliché and useless advice. Did the counseling therapy somehow help you?

 

[a.fool]

I hate being a hypocrite so I will refrain from writing cliché and useless advice. Did the counseling therapy somehow help you?

I left therapy after 3 sessions

 

[Mayonaise]

I left therapy after 3 sessions

I'd hoped you could hold on a little longer

 

[a.fool]

I'd hoped you could hold on a little longer

I'm going to visit the psychiaty department next month if my mind doesn't change on this decision. I really want to get better to be honest and I don't wanna live in suffering anymore. I don't know why things aren't getting better.

 

[Mayonaise]

I'm going to visit the psychiaty department next month if my mind doesn't change on this decision. I really want to get better to be honest and I don't wanna live in suffering anymore. I don't know why things aren't getting better.

I'd be really glad if you gave it a try

 

[a.fool]

I'd be really glad if you gave it a try

I'll give it a try. Sometimes I feel like I wanna give up but I'll try my best to avoid the negative side of me and start taking meds after meeting a psychiatrist. It'll take a month for that to happen.