mob
Student
- Jul 19, 2023
- 162
My life's been going downhill for the past three years now, and I always find myself in the same situations, over and over again.
I turned 22 today. It's nice to know that people in my life cared enough to congratulate me, but it all feels so empty.
I fell in love at 16. It was my first actual relationship. Lasted 3.5 years, and those were the worst years of my life. I learnt a lot about dependency. Resentment. Financial abuse. We'd moved in together. We broke up. And I had nowhere else to go. Except for my toxic family, which was the very place I'd fought so hard to get out of. Now I just have a lot of debt on top of it too.
I fell in love again at 20. We broke up recently and now I'm in the same spot. But this time, I have no other choice but to go back.
The 700€ I got monthly and was dependent on got cut off too. I never learnt to stand on my own two feet, and I doubt I ever will. When I lived by myself, I was too depressed to take care of my apartment and myself. I couldn't hold my job, and am currently unemployed. Every single day I'm reminded of the fact that I'm unable to live this life. Problems keep stacking, things keep happening. Every connection, whether it be platonic, sexual or even romantic turns messy due to circumstances I can't control. Believe me, I've tried. I tried to be good. I tried to be funny. Charming. Pretty. Smart. It's no use.
My words feel hollow, I have no personality at all, I cling to the opinions of the people around me.
I feel like a ghost most of the time. Irrelevant, invisible. At some point I was convinced I must be cursed. This cannot be my life. The only thing that comforts me is that I'll be gone on the 16th December this year. I promised that to myself years ago.
No medication, no talking, no therapy will fix me. This is like the end of a book, already settled. Even if I attempt to erase it and change the outcome, the ink has already set too deep to change. That is my only comfort. Acceptance.
I turned 22 today. It's nice to know that people in my life cared enough to congratulate me, but it all feels so empty.
I fell in love at 16. It was my first actual relationship. Lasted 3.5 years, and those were the worst years of my life. I learnt a lot about dependency. Resentment. Financial abuse. We'd moved in together. We broke up. And I had nowhere else to go. Except for my toxic family, which was the very place I'd fought so hard to get out of. Now I just have a lot of debt on top of it too.
I fell in love again at 20. We broke up recently and now I'm in the same spot. But this time, I have no other choice but to go back.
The 700€ I got monthly and was dependent on got cut off too. I never learnt to stand on my own two feet, and I doubt I ever will. When I lived by myself, I was too depressed to take care of my apartment and myself. I couldn't hold my job, and am currently unemployed. Every single day I'm reminded of the fact that I'm unable to live this life. Problems keep stacking, things keep happening. Every connection, whether it be platonic, sexual or even romantic turns messy due to circumstances I can't control. Believe me, I've tried. I tried to be good. I tried to be funny. Charming. Pretty. Smart. It's no use.
My words feel hollow, I have no personality at all, I cling to the opinions of the people around me.
I feel like a ghost most of the time. Irrelevant, invisible. At some point I was convinced I must be cursed. This cannot be my life. The only thing that comforts me is that I'll be gone on the 16th December this year. I promised that to myself years ago.
No medication, no talking, no therapy will fix me. This is like the end of a book, already settled. Even if I attempt to erase it and change the outcome, the ink has already set too deep to change. That is my only comfort. Acceptance.
