whitetaildeer
Wreck & Rule
- Aug 5, 2024
- 335
I've been shitting up the site lately with my threads but I don't know where else to go to. I realize looking for a reason at all to stay should be a reason to stay in of itself, but I feel so hopeless.
I've been in denial about having schizophrenia (specifically schizoaffective disorder) for 9 years, so nearly a decade now. I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed and medicated. I stopped taking medication in 2021, and haven't ever since; my mother got extremely sick, then passed away, and since things were so busy I forgot to get back on my medication, and by the time I had all the spare time in the world to do it, I was already spiraling into another psychotic episode. I obviously should be on medication right now, but I now live with my dad, who will kick me out if I get back on my antipsychotics. So I've been rawdogging this for 5 years, and up until recently, have been convincing myself that I somehow don't have a disorder I've been professionally diagnosed with, even though I live through the evidence of the fact that I do every day.
I had what should have been a manageable psychotic break in February of this year, but then my girlfriend killed herself in March and it's all spiraled in to what I think is the worst episode of psychosis I've had in my life. And fuck, I nearly ran into traffic 4 years ago due to a psychotic break, I don't know how this manages to be worse than that. I hear my dead girlfriend's voice every single fucking day, and even if it's only in short spurts, it's exhausting. I don't have any friends anymore; I don't have a support system; I don't exactly have any goals anymore, nothing interests me because my girlfriend isn't here anymore, and the idea of a future for myself has become so intertwined with her being there, so I just can't bring myself to care; I thought I at least had some semblance of a mind left but I don't even have that.
That's not to say everything is bad. I'm actually moving out in June. I sucked it up and am moving out despite all of sacrifices it'll take. I'll get back on medication and put myself through therapy. I won't be locked inside of a house, because my father is so certain that if I step one foot out the door by myself I'll somehow end up getting kidnapped, or robbed, or some other BS. But since I've been able to stop denying how mentally ill I am, I realize now that this is going to stay for life. It doesn't matter how much medication I take, this is never going to go away. And that makes me feel hopeless. Like I'll forever be this way, that I'll forever drive myself crazy, and that even if I get over one episode, there's always going to be another. And then what? I go even crazier? I believe even more deluded shit? The more these episodes happen, the longer it takes for me to realize they're happening, and by the time I do, it's too late. But when things continue to spiral and get worse, what will "too late" even look like? People say to reach out to friends for help, but I don't think anyone realizes how much of an emotional toll it takes on a person to help someone with a psychotic disorder, who has no professional background and isn't being paid to deal with your shit. So I never have. I've never even told people I have schizoaffective disorder, despite the costs, not even my late girlfriend or two former best friends -- one of which had the disorder themself. There's simply too much shame attached to it.
I don't know. I want to stay. I've been telling myself that better people do worse things than I have during psychotic episodes. I've seen it myself. Hell, people have literally fucking killed, or tried to kill, people during psychosis. But I can't get over the shame and guilt of it all. Schizoaffective disorder and fibromyalgia. What a great combination. Surely this will mean I at least have a chance to have a fulfilling life. Maybe I do. I wouldn't know right now.
Things are looking up, and things have no choice but to get better at this point in time, but it's so hard to trust in myself to not screw it up. I don't trust my own mind right now. I want to, but how can I? Is it even worth it, when I don't have my girlfriend by my side anymore? She'd want me to live, I know it. But why continue living if everything, for lack of a better word, sucks?
I've been in denial about having schizophrenia (specifically schizoaffective disorder) for 9 years, so nearly a decade now. I was 12 years old when I was diagnosed and medicated. I stopped taking medication in 2021, and haven't ever since; my mother got extremely sick, then passed away, and since things were so busy I forgot to get back on my medication, and by the time I had all the spare time in the world to do it, I was already spiraling into another psychotic episode. I obviously should be on medication right now, but I now live with my dad, who will kick me out if I get back on my antipsychotics. So I've been rawdogging this for 5 years, and up until recently, have been convincing myself that I somehow don't have a disorder I've been professionally diagnosed with, even though I live through the evidence of the fact that I do every day.
I had what should have been a manageable psychotic break in February of this year, but then my girlfriend killed herself in March and it's all spiraled in to what I think is the worst episode of psychosis I've had in my life. And fuck, I nearly ran into traffic 4 years ago due to a psychotic break, I don't know how this manages to be worse than that. I hear my dead girlfriend's voice every single fucking day, and even if it's only in short spurts, it's exhausting. I don't have any friends anymore; I don't have a support system; I don't exactly have any goals anymore, nothing interests me because my girlfriend isn't here anymore, and the idea of a future for myself has become so intertwined with her being there, so I just can't bring myself to care; I thought I at least had some semblance of a mind left but I don't even have that.
That's not to say everything is bad. I'm actually moving out in June. I sucked it up and am moving out despite all of sacrifices it'll take. I'll get back on medication and put myself through therapy. I won't be locked inside of a house, because my father is so certain that if I step one foot out the door by myself I'll somehow end up getting kidnapped, or robbed, or some other BS. But since I've been able to stop denying how mentally ill I am, I realize now that this is going to stay for life. It doesn't matter how much medication I take, this is never going to go away. And that makes me feel hopeless. Like I'll forever be this way, that I'll forever drive myself crazy, and that even if I get over one episode, there's always going to be another. And then what? I go even crazier? I believe even more deluded shit? The more these episodes happen, the longer it takes for me to realize they're happening, and by the time I do, it's too late. But when things continue to spiral and get worse, what will "too late" even look like? People say to reach out to friends for help, but I don't think anyone realizes how much of an emotional toll it takes on a person to help someone with a psychotic disorder, who has no professional background and isn't being paid to deal with your shit. So I never have. I've never even told people I have schizoaffective disorder, despite the costs, not even my late girlfriend or two former best friends -- one of which had the disorder themself. There's simply too much shame attached to it.
I don't know. I want to stay. I've been telling myself that better people do worse things than I have during psychotic episodes. I've seen it myself. Hell, people have literally fucking killed, or tried to kill, people during psychosis. But I can't get over the shame and guilt of it all. Schizoaffective disorder and fibromyalgia. What a great combination. Surely this will mean I at least have a chance to have a fulfilling life. Maybe I do. I wouldn't know right now.
Things are looking up, and things have no choice but to get better at this point in time, but it's so hard to trust in myself to not screw it up. I don't trust my own mind right now. I want to, but how can I? Is it even worth it, when I don't have my girlfriend by my side anymore? She'd want me to live, I know it. But why continue living if everything, for lack of a better word, sucks?
