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AnotherTragicName

AnotherTragicName

Member
Sep 10, 2021
83
Good idea, thank you for offering this thread.

Im suicidal since 11 years now, 27 years old. Always trying to break my apparently unavoidable destiny.
In these 11 years, I had a few phases in which I felt profoundly better - I think they were 5, lasting a few months each.
Every time I thought, that I figured something out now, that I understood some profound truth about happiness.
But after a while I always came to the conclusion, that it was due to some lucky cirmusstances. Like being in a psychiatry with some really good people around, or having a deep spiritual experience (which later faded). I always crashed back into depression a few weeks or months later.

In the meantime, I live with my parents again, under the permission that I start my studies again in mid oktober.
Im kinda paranoid regarding it, since Im, guess what, socially awkward/ sociophobic.
Im really not very resilient, so I already doubt that I might even make it in part-time.
If I can make it, then now, where I don't have any other obligations. Then later, I might find a parttime job aswell, which will genereate enough income to come by.
So either that works or I live on wellfare the rest of my life, or do a little job in the supermarktet a few times a week a couple of hrs. Welcome to germany.
Not really lifes that I look forward to.

That's me, basically. I don't have real friends, i don't know how to enjoy anything and I don't find anything interesting. Thus I'm an empty shell, not really able to communicate about a lot more then the weather. I forget everything, so even If I experience something, I forget most of it anyways. I've already traveled a bit around the world, which wasn't half as interesting as I thought, since you always travel with yourself. I always thought, I would conquer the world one day (in a good way, lol, like being sucessful, a therapist or something), and I'm actually kinda smart if Im not in deep depression, because then I actually find things interesting. But I forget the most of it anyways.

In the moment I sleep 12 hrs a day and barely leave my room. Just ordered a rope on amazon to hopefully finally do it, if I wouldn't be such a coward.

Fuck yeah. Who wants to marry this winner? I will give you lots of smart but depressed children and they will not have any life-standart.
:pfff:
 
it's_all_a_game

it's_all_a_game

I remember...death in the afternoon...
Nov 7, 2020
356
I feel lonely because I have avoided people for 7 years now (since I graduated from high school). When I was still underage, people only ever acknowledged me to put down; otherwise, they ignored my existence. All I had were the characters in my favourite novels and manga volumes. After spending too much time with fictional folks, I had no interest in getting to know anyone in reality.
 
deflationary

deflationary

Fussy exister. Living in the epilogue
Mar 11, 2020
530
There have been quite a few times where I've wanted to participate in a discussion but felt like everything I was saying was all wrong, or I just couldn't get the thoughts out at all. Again, I just have a really difficult time expressing myself between the brain fog, invalidation, trauma, anxiety etc, and the fact that I often feel like words are simply inadequate.
That's a familiar feeling. A lot of the time when I try to write something I just end up with a confused jumble of thoughts that either cancel each other out or just blur into complete chaos. Or I just get discouraged by the sheer futility of words. And when I do say something I oftentimes regret it. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt and all that :)) I have like 5 things in this life that I'm confident about expressing and all of them are somehow related to life being a piece of trash haha

And at the risk of sounding like a self-righteous prick (here I go again with the disclaimers), I think a good part of why I try to show as much empathy and compassion towards others as I possibly can, is because I know how awful it feels to constantly be treated like absolute garbage and the kind of long-term consequences that it can have on a person, and I just want to (at least) be one less asshole in their life – and I think this is the case for a lot of others as well. It's also just always been important to me that other people feel welcome and included, so whenever I see someone who's lonely (and doesn't want to be) I just feel for them so much. It truly breaks my heart to read all of these posts, and I admit I shed a few tears because of it.
Yeah, this makes sense. But I can also easily see some people taking the opposite route and instead lashing out at everyone in sight. I definitely feel that temptation sometimes. Though I can control it pretty easily.
 
O

OrcWitch

Warlock
Sep 3, 2021
703
But after a while I always came to the conclusion, that it was due to some lucky cirmusstances. Like being in a psychiatry with some really good people around, or having a deep spiritual experience (which later faded). I always crashed back into depression a few weeks or months later.
That is very relatable. The little phases where it feels like it's over before it all comes crashing back. I had a spiritual experience earlier this year. I felt like I unlocked this new positive paradigm that changed everything, but it didn't last. I really felt touched by some kind of god after experiencing the worst breakdown I've had in years. I'm not religious and didn't know how to make sense of it. It was a bizarre experience.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and feel that lonely too.
 
H

H0110W

Member
Sep 22, 2021
71
When I'm at work I hate every second and every person. When I'm at home I am so fucking sad. I had a girl whom I used to chat and call with, met her on omegle of all places. She became kinda my virtual girlfriend at some point. I miss her company so much, now that's she's gone. If I could just talk to her once more like we did back then, I would gladly give my life in exchange. I miss you so fucking much Sophie. But even that was an illusion, I've always been so fucking, unbelievably alone.
 
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She wished that she never existed...
Sep 24, 2020
33,350
In my case, I do not feel lonely as in lacking connections to others. I am very introverted and people are tiring to me. I need my own space. People can let you down, cause you pain and disappoint you. I try to avoid others. I used to have friends in the past, but I am not in contact with them anymore, and I am glad about that. My loneliness is more of a feeling of emptiness. I feel disconnected from the world and I feel trapped with my own thoughts. In a way it is like I have already died.
 
O

ophelia_

Member
Aug 26, 2021
27
Great thread.

I also prefer being alone. Sometimes I have periods where I want to have a conversation but I do not miss close friendships and romantic relationships so much anymore and I have more peace this way. Mostly because I have BPD and relationships are difficult so I found withdrawal the best way to cope. I can cope with casual friendships and anything more than that is impossible right now.
 
Ren Elsie Jewelria

Ren Elsie Jewelria

I sneezed!
Aug 30, 2020
374
Hi,
I'm kind of semi-hikikomori and have no friends at all (real life or online). The only person who calls me and sees me is my mother. I know it's not a contest but I'm sure I "win". I'm fine with it in general, because I'm free to do what I want but there is still that subconscious human herding nature which tears me apart. It's fun to watch some anime about some 20 y-o Japanese dude living in a tiny apartment filled with trash and unwashed dishes but eventually recovering, getting a gf, etc. It's not that entertaining in real life. My flat is untidy indeed but not filthy. I wash my dishes every day, I just don't vacuum too often. OK, no more pathetic rambling.
 
AnotherTragicName

AnotherTragicName

Member
Sep 10, 2021
83
That is very relatable. The little phases where it feels like it's over before it all comes crashing back. I had a spiritual experience earlier this year. I felt like I unlocked this new positive paradigm that changed everything, but it didn't last. I really felt touched by some kind of god after experiencing the worst breakdown I've had in years. I'm not religious and didn't know how to make sense of it. It was a bizarre experience.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain and feel that lonely too.
I think that's kinda the worst part of life. If I would just know how much I'm capable of and not, and not having these crazy ups sometimes that give me illusions on what I can archieve, I could atleast navigate towards something stable. Like this I don't know if I can actually live on my own in my own household, if I should live in some kind of home of psychic diabled people, or If I should even become a traveling journalist, a wallstreet millionaer or badman or something.

After my last, let's call it "mania", starting march this year, I literally became a member of a spiritual fight club, in which we would trigger each other beyond recognicion. Was fun for a while, but apparently it was too much. Haha. Don't regret it though, at least something interesting happened in my life. This memory noone can take away from me. Feeling alive at least one summer, been in regular exchange with people that actually like me. Although it was hell so often. Good people, but fucking extreme and kinda narcisitic.

Can you relate, when I say, that I felt alive at least once? I'm interested in hearing more about your spiritual experience.
 
D

Deleted member 8975

Guest
I am someone who is despised and rejected. I don't think my parents wanted to have me and I was an accident. By the time I was five…the beats and abuse at home were so frequent that I thought everyone experienced this. I couldn't understand how society could exist…how buildings were built and everything established when they had to go through non stop every waking moment trauma.

I was put in kindergarten where I found refuge and by the first day of first grade…I was removed from school forever. I believed I was not worth going to school and not worth having friends. I was regularly reminded how much of a burden I was to everyone and I would only be taken outside on a leash.

It was not until 18 where I gained independence to go out on my own…but interacting with others who seemed to care about me was so uncomfortable I couldn't handle it and would regularly stay away from people. I ultimately could not function in school as people were so distracting and I withdrew from college almost every semester.

I never finished my education.

This continues to this day. I sought help as someone who saved my life from hanging myself in 2018 advised. They locked me up for one night and told me to seek therapy. I sought therapy and was told I was a lost cause with CPTSD which wasn't really curable and it was just about making my life comfortable but nothing would change. In fact it was advised regularly between therapists and doctors NOT to communicate with anyone because this was triggering me and triggering suicidal ideation so it was advised to not talk with anyone, to NOT have relationships whatsoever. They told me romance and love is not real…a fantasy they called it and in the real world you can only love yourself.

I broke the rules once…I slept (non sexually) with a girl after trying to put myself back in school. She left me after a week when she realized I had CPTSD and the physical issues surrounding that (the shaking and tremors and confusion). A little bit before that, I told a long lost but recently found cousin that I was feeling depressed. She was suicidal too and cut herself a lot. I thought she'd understand but she called the cops while I was at school where I was detained, interrogated, scared (this is when they told me they've been monitoring me and were monitoring SS which I wasn't a member yet but was only browsing as a non registered lurker). They told me at the end they were taking me to a facility against my will and they handcuffed me while I cried and threw me in the back of a cop car. It was very brutal…my wrists were bleeding from the tightness of the metal and there was no seat in the back of the car…it was like sitting on a metal box and made the bleeding worse.

Once there…they tried to fondle me in a search and I refused as
I had been sexually assaulted in 2015 by TSA airport security during a search…brutally and in so much pain I had to see a doctor after I got home
. I was ready to die right then and there in refusing but they let it go. Essentially they wanted to ensure I did not smuggle weapons up my rear end.

My shoe laces were removed…any thing that I could hang myself (seriously I never even considered how many different ways I could do it until they showed me). Wasn't allowed to sleep. They wake up up every hour to make sure you didn't kill yourself and you are denied sleep. They wake you up at 4am sharp to shower, brush teeth and get in line before they take you off unit to the cafeteria unit. They treated us very brutally…including for whatever reason they mixed underage people with adults which is really inappropriate. There were holes/crumbling in the walls with roaches running up and down including near our drinking water and cups.

One of the "patients" told me she had been to prison and this was exactly like that. This was reinforced on a different day when a staffer told me they also worked in a correctional facility and it was identical to the rules and system for how we were handled.

They broke my apple watch to pieces (it exploded somehow in their care). The doctor told me that the police officer told him I seemed bipolar because the officer's grandmother was bipolar and thus the doctor told me I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When I told him no doctor ever tested me or diagnosed me as such, he said the police officer's word was the diagnoses and I could either voluntarily take the lithium or he'd go to a judge and force me to take it.

I completely broke down at this point psychologically and cried on the floor curled up in a hallway while talking to my mom on a phone. I begged her to help me.

My family is strange. I never really understood them. I always used to joke like they were CIA or something. They are tied to criminals… Whenever they've wanted something seemingly impossible…people do it for them.

That night I was given my discharge papers and told I was being released in the morning. It sounded too good to be true. By the way this was in the state of Florida (baker act). Technically they couldn't hold me for more than 48 hours. But they force you to sign papers saying you're there voluntarily and if you refuse, they falsify that you are "still suicidal" so they can hold you indefinitely. This was told very strongly to me by the doctor. The cops had told me on the way in that they would make sure I was never released and if I was, they'd find me and bring me back. Oh and also, that I would "thank them." Hey cops who are reading this, I'll never thank you. And if I see you again, it's you or me.

So yes. I am alone. I became the monster everyone always told me I was. I fought it for so long and believed in love so much (I'm polygynous even and was bullied when I was 9 at a rare excursion to a summer camp…two girls kissed me on the bus simultaneously and all the kids told me "kill yourself faggot" and regularly bullied me…stole my lunch money and beat me up because of it.) Love in my world has meant the steepest of consequences punishable by death, brutality, beating with hangers and metal objects…being leashed and lashed…mainly for religious reasons but also for bullying as mentioned above.

That's why I have a number of people in the chat on ignore…because they earlier bashed love all day and they'll stay on ignore because as much of a "lost cause" and a monster that I truly am…I can't let go of love…it's the only thing…the only hope that some how my soulmates will find me and I won't have to die alone…

Therapists in my head from memory right now saying "love isn't real, that's a fantasy" and I fight back for some dumb unknown reason.

If there is a god…god help me please.
 
fox_wannabe

fox_wannabe

Enlightened
Jul 7, 2021
1,112
I am someone who is despised and rejected. I don't think my parents wanted to have me and I was an accident. By the time I was five…the beats and abuse at home were so frequent that I thought everyone experienced this. I couldn't understand how society could exist…how buildings were built and everything established when they had to go through non stop every waking moment trauma.
I am sorry for all you went through. I read It and I must say I never heard anybody being treated that badly by police, especially somebody who is not criminal. I also do have cPTSD from bullying and I am triggered by confrontations. I hope you won't mind me asking If you want to talk
 
D

Deleted member 8975

Guest
I am sorry for all you went through. I read It and I must say I never heard anybody being treated that badly by police, especially somebody who is not criminal. I also do have cPTSD from bullying and I am triggered by confrontations. I hope you won't mind me asking If you want to talk
I would have loved to talk but I am conditioned not to. The chat was the closest thing I have and I don't really feel welcome or safe there anymore. :/
 
fox_wannabe

fox_wannabe

Enlightened
Jul 7, 2021
1,112
I would have loved to talk but I am conditioned not to. The chat was the closest thing I have and I don't really feel welcome or safe there anymore. :/
I am sorry to hear that, I was thinking about private conversation. I do not mean to cause harm or gaslight you. I will fully understand If you don't want to talk and I will respect your decision, If you don't want to talk you can just not respond, I will understand.
 
D

Deleted member 8975

Guest
I am sorry to hear that, I was thinking about private conversation. I do not mean to cause harm or gaslight you. I will fully understand If you don't want to talk and I will respect your decision, If you don't want to talk you can just not respond, I will understand.
I'm not allowed to I'm sorry :/
 
O

OrcWitch

Warlock
Sep 3, 2021
703
was told I was a lost cause with CPTSD which wasn't really curable and it was just about making my life comfortable but nothing would change.
It is a very difficult thing when the psychologist says that you are permanently broken in some way, and that you can only minimize it and try to live with it. I do appreciate their honesty towards their patients in matters like this.

That is a rough story and life you've posted. Infuriating. Life has been very unkind to you. I despise psychiatric prisons, they did the same thing to me with the threatening me with staying there for months if I didn't sign the voluntary form. Being treated like criminals etc. Such a counterproductive way to treat a suicidal person.

It's fun to watch some anime about some 20 y-o Japanese dude living in a tiny apartment filled with trash and unwashed dishes but eventually recovering, getting a gf, etc. It's not that entertaining in real life.
Welcome to the NHK was very relatable as an ex-hikikomori, but I agree it does glamorize the lifestyle too much.
 
D

Deleted member 8975

Guest
It is a very difficult thing when the psychologist says that you are permanently broken in some way, and that you can only minimize it and try to live with it. I do appreciate their honesty towards their patients in matters like this.

That is a rough story and life you've posted. Infuriating. Life has been very unkind to you. I despise psychiatric prisons, they did the same thing to me with the threatening me with staying there for months if I didn't sign the voluntary form. Being treated like criminals etc. Such a counterproductive way to treat a suicidal person.
I think people with CPTSD should qualify for assisted suicide/voluntary euthanasia. Im incurable, right? That makes this a terminal illness. I will die under the conditions and parameters set by my illness. I don't qualify for a normal life or assistance of living a normal life, right? So I should be allowed to die with dignity.
 
O

OrcWitch

Warlock
Sep 3, 2021
703
I think people with CPTSD should qualify for assisted suicide/voluntary euthanasia. Im incurable, right? That makes this a terminal illness. I will die under the conditions and parameters set by my illness. I don't qualify for a normal life or assistance of living a normal life, right? So I should be allowed to die with dignity.
Society doesn't view deep rooted incurable psychological afflictions as worthy. But personally I don't feel comfortable drawing a line for who is and isn't worthy for euthanasia based on criteria. I would rather just give the right to choose to every adult for any reason.

I think that's kinda the worst part of life. If I would just know how much I'm capable of and not, and not having these crazy ups sometimes that give me illusions on what I can archieve, I could atleast navigate towards something stable. Like this I don't know if I can actually live on my own in my own household, if I should live in some kind of home of psychic diabled people, or If I should even become a traveling journalist, a wallstreet millionaer or badman or something.

After my last, let's call it "mania", starting march this year, I literally became a member of a spiritual fight club, in which we would trigger each other beyond recognicion. Was fun for a while, but apparently it was too much. Haha. Don't regret it though, at least something interesting happened in my life. This memory noone can take away from me. Feeling alive at least one summer, been in regular exchange with people that actually like me. Although it was hell so often. Good people, but fucking extreme and kinda narcisitic.

Can you relate, when I say, that I felt alive at least once? I'm interested in hearing more about your spiritual experience.
That's interesting. Not to make light of your struggle, but the whole fight club thing sounds bizarre and badass. And to have similarly desperate comrades in a private club must have been nice. That kind of thing sounds like it would contain predators with ill intentions though. I would be interested in this detailed story if you ever wanted to share it.

There's not much to say about my spiritual experience. It was some mental illness going on for sure. The story is, I was having a difficult night with some memories, this was before my PTSD diagnosis and starting therapy again. I was laying in bed feeling like shit and anxious. I got on discord and I was at the time friends with an unstable/manipulative person, with very poor timing she starting overwhelming me with something unrelated while I was already overwhelmed.

I felt these racing thoughts of guilt and feeling "evil" or inhuman. I had this racing thought that I wasn't real and that my ego was a lie. I began to breathe quickly and it turned into hyper ventilating. I had the same sensation of heart break, where I felt this intense wound in my chest. I felt like I was dying, I really felt like I was going to end and I felt all this adrenaline. I'm an athiest but out of nowhere I was begging god to spare me. I don't know what else to say except I felt touched by god in my state of mental breakdown. When the panic ended I laid in the dark crying on and off for some hours until I fell asleep.

I felt this new feeling of being touched by a powerful force, it was based around that god sensation the previous day. I wanted to make sense of it and got attached to the idea of personal dharma. I felt maybe my soul experienced everything up to now to find some purpose, and that moment was telling me that. I wondered if my fate was to try to help people suffering in my demographic. I felt like "This is it", my mental struggles were over and my spiritual journey was beginning. I felt incredibly alive. This is all very unlike me and it went away after a month. I am sure if I told a priest they would eagerly try to proselytize me.

I wonder if it was a benign bit of delusion that was brought out by untreated mental illness? I don't know.
 
Last edited:
O

ophelia_

Member
Aug 26, 2021
27
I am someone who is despised and rejected. I don't think my parents wanted to have me and I was an accident. By the time I was five…the beats and abuse at home were so frequent that I thought everyone experienced this. I couldn't understand how society could exist…how buildings were built and everything established when they had to go through non stop every waking moment trauma.

I was put in kindergarten where I found refuge and by the first day of first grade…I was removed from school forever. I believed I was not worth going to school and not worth having friends. I was regularly reminded how much of a burden I was to everyone and I would only be taken outside on a leash.

It was not until 18 where I gained independence to go out on my own…but interacting with others who seemed to care about me was so uncomfortable I couldn't handle it and would regularly stay away from people. I ultimately could not function in school as people were so distracting and I withdrew from college almost every semester.

I never finished my education.

This continues to this day. I sought help as someone who saved my life from hanging myself in 2018 advised. They locked me up for one night and told me to seek therapy. I sought therapy and was told I was a lost cause with CPTSD which wasn't really curable and it was just about making my life comfortable but nothing would change. In fact it was advised regularly between therapists and doctors NOT to communicate with anyone because this was triggering me and triggering suicidal ideation so it was advised to not talk with anyone, to NOT have relationships whatsoever. They told me romance and love is not real…a fantasy they called it and in the real world you can only love yourself.

I broke the rules once…I slept (non sexually) with a girl after trying to put myself back in school. She left me after a week when she realized I had CPTSD and the physical issues surrounding that (the shaking and tremors and confusion). A little bit before that, I told a long lost but recently found cousin that I was feeling depressed. She was suicidal too and cut herself a lot. I thought she'd understand but she called the cops while I was at school where I was detained, interrogated, scared (this is when they told me they've been monitoring me and were monitoring SS which I wasn't a member yet but was only browsing as a non registered lurker). They told me at the end they were taking me to a facility against my will and they handcuffed me while I cried and threw me in the back of a cop car. It was very brutal…my wrists were bleeding from the tightness of the metal and there was no seat in the back of the car…it was like sitting on a metal box and made the bleeding worse.

Once there…they tried to fondle me in a search and I refused as
I had been sexually assaulted in 2015 by TSA airport security during a search…brutally and in so much pain I had to see a doctor after I got home
. I was ready to die right then and there in refusing but they let it go. Essentially they wanted to ensure I did not smuggle weapons up my rear end.

My shoe laces were removed…any thing that I could hang myself (seriously I never even considered how many different ways I could do it until they showed me). Wasn't allowed to sleep. They wake up up every hour to make sure you didn't kill yourself and you are denied sleep. They wake you up at 4am sharp to shower, brush teeth and get in line before they take you off unit to the cafeteria unit. They treated us very brutally…including for whatever reason they mixed underage people with adults which is really inappropriate. There were holes/crumbling in the walls with roaches running up and down including near our drinking water and cups.

One of the "patients" told me she had been to prison and this was exactly like that. This was reinforced on a different day when a staffer told me they also worked in a correctional facility and it was identical to the rules and system for how we were handled.

They broke my apple watch to pieces (it exploded somehow in their care). The doctor told me that the police officer told him I seemed bipolar because the officer's grandmother was bipolar and thus the doctor told me I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When I told him no doctor ever tested me or diagnosed me as such, he said the police officer's word was the diagnoses and I could either voluntarily take the lithium or he'd go to a judge and force me to take it.

I completely broke down at this point psychologically and cried on the floor curled up in a hallway while talking to my mom on a phone. I begged her to help me.

My family is strange. I never really understood them. I always used to joke like they were CIA or something. They are tied to criminals… Whenever they've wanted something seemingly impossible…people do it for them.

That night I was given my discharge papers and told I was being released in the morning. It sounded too good to be true. By the way this was in the state of Florida (baker act). Technically they couldn't hold me for more than 48 hours. But they force you to sign papers saying you're there voluntarily and if you refuse, they falsify that you are "still suicidal" so they can hold you indefinitely. This was told very strongly to me by the doctor. The cops had told me on the way in that they would make sure I was never released and if I was, they'd find me and bring me back. Oh and also, that I would "thank them." Hey cops who are reading this, I'll never thank you. And if I see you again, it's you or me.

So yes. I am alone. I became the monster everyone always told me I was. I fought it for so long and believed in love so much (I'm polygynous even and was bullied when I was 9 at a rare excursion to a summer camp…two girls kissed me on the bus simultaneously and all the kids told me "kill yourself faggot" and regularly bullied me…stole my lunch money and beat me up because of it.) Love in my world has meant the steepest of consequences punishable by death, brutality, beating with hangers and metal objects…being leashed and lashed…mainly for religious reasons but also for bullying as mentioned above.

That's why I have a number of people in the chat on ignore…because they earlier bashed love all day and they'll stay on ignore because as much of a "lost cause" and a monster that I truly am…I can't let go of love…it's the only thing…the only hope that some how my soulmates will find me and I won't have to die alone…

Therapists in my head from memory right now saying "love isn't real, that's a fantasy" and I fight back for some dumb unknown reason.

If there is a god…god help me please.

I'm sorry to hear whay you have been through. I don't think you are a monster. I think you've been failed from early childhood, especially being cast out of school such an early age and not being supported. Educators are supposed to look out for signs of abuse and neglect , safeguarding is such a big thing now. I am not sure when you were at school but they failed you, casting you as a 'trouble' kid with behaviour issues rather than trying to find out what what happening with you. Although I was aquiet child and just got on with school, this was the case for me too, in the sense they failed to recognise I was having childhood trauma due to my home life. They had no understanding of MH and even at college my difficulties coping were seen as me not having any interest being there, which was further from the truth. I was hoping things had changed for the better.
 
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Marktheghost

Marktheghost

Paragon
Feb 20, 2020
912
Good idea for a thread.

I might add my story (or stories) later.
 
AnotherTragicName

AnotherTragicName

Member
Sep 10, 2021
83
That's interesting. Not to make light of your struggle, but the whole fight club thing sounds bizarre and badass. And to have similarly desperate comrades in a private club must have been nice. That kind of thing sounds like it would contain predators with ill intentions though. I would be interested in this detailed story if you ever wanted to share it.

There's not much to say about my spiritual experience. It was some mental illness going on for sure. The story is, I was having a difficult night with some memories, this was before my PTSD diagnosis and starting therapy again. I was laying in bed feeling like shit and anxious. I got on discord and I was at the time friends with an unstable/manipulative person, with very poor timing she starting overwhelming me with something unrelated while I was already overwhelmed.

I felt these racing thoughts of guilt and feeling "evil" or inhuman. I had this racing thought that I wasn't real and that my ego was a lie. I began to breathe quickly and it turned into hyper ventilating. I had the same sensation of heart break, where I felt this intense wound in my chest. I felt like I was dying, I really felt like I was going to end and I felt all this adrenaline. I'm an athiest but out of nowhere I was begging god to spare me. I don't know what else to say except I felt touched by god in my state of mental breakdown. When the panic ended I laid in the dark crying on and off for some hours until I fell asleep.

I felt this new feeling of being touched by a powerful force, it was based around that god sensation the previous day. I wanted to make sense of it and got attached to the idea of personal dharma. I felt maybe my soul experienced everything up to now to find some purpose, and that moment was telling me that. I wondered if my fate was to try to help people suffering in my demographic. I felt like "This is it", my mental struggles were over and my spiritual journey was beginning. I felt incredibly alive. This is all very unlike me and it went away after a month. I am sure if I told a priest they would eagerly try to proselytize me.

I wonder if it was a benign bit of delusion that was brought out by untreated mental illness? I don't know.

I think in the west, we put the label "mental illness" very quickly on everything that's deviating from the norm, things we do not understand. In other cultures, altered states of consciousness are actively provoked, and their recourssfulness is well understood. So even if your experience was maybe a bit scary and hard to understand, I wouldn't judge it as being sick. You experienced something really positive through it, from what I can tell. So maybe just accept it as a present life gave to you. :) You knows what it really means, maybe there was a higher force involed. Marking it as delusion is surely as easy an explanation as "well that was god". ;)



Sure, I really like telling the story. It's pretty long, I could probably write an entire book about it, but I try to keep it short.

In march, I had an experience which is called "kundalini-awakening" in india. I think it is related to what we in the west call "mania". You experience an incredible amount of energy, self esteem, don't need to sleep or eat a lot, are happy most of the day. It's more naunced though in the yogic striptures. They describe how super strong life force rises from the botton of your spine/ from your pelvis/ from the ground itself to the top of your head. It's supposed to show you your complete energetic potential.

So I was looking for this for years already and finally archived it, thinking that this was my new me now, similiar to your experience. Spoiler alert: It's not the new me, it was just a phase, a one time event.
I was talking with some friends about this on the phone who knew what kundalini is, and they suggested I check out this youtube channel.
Apparently, there was a dude in his 40s living with 3 sexy young women in a fucking badass house in eastern germany. They had like 500 videos and seemed to be really happy and cool, authentic people, but also extremly provocative. In one video for example, the dude wore the clothes of a catholic priest, next to him skulls and one of the women, half nacked. He sang a heartful "Halleluja" and introduced his "matriarchical sex sect". Their main thing was having "kundalini sex" as much as they could, also with drugs, of course.
So apparently they found a way to experience this "shooting up energy from bottom to top" as much as they wanted, during sex.

I thaught that these people are fucking amazing and I want to meet them. So I texted them, and they told me that I'm free to come, I just have to read their book before.
So I checked it out, it was 89 Euros on amazon.
Dafuq?
I didn't want to read that 500 pages book so I looked for a new way. In the end, they might teach me something cool, so I suggested we do something like a coaching (lots of their videos where educational aswell). The dude called me and said: 100 euros per hour. Keep in mind that 98% of the women that come into contact with us stop, 100% of the men.
That's a good price for a coaching I thought, so I booked for 2-3 hrs and was welcome to come. I was a bit nervous, but not to much.

I arrived late in the evening, 8. So they truely live in the most beautiful house I ever saw. First, they were pretty heartful, but I quickly realised they are trying their best to trigger me. Stuff like, I had to sit below them, was allowed to drink very little of the wine I baught, I got screamed at from one of the women that I don't have my ego in order for no reason etc. Which was fine for me, because I realised before that triggering is good for kundalini-energy.
So they did not suceed, I was quite good in the "training" at that point. So after some time I got kinda... puzzled, about what all is actually about here. Did I waste my money?
Then one of the women looked me deep in the eyes, to the point where she looked like she was about to cry. Not of sadness, but because she was touched. Same for me. Now they got my freaking attention! I felt fucking drawn to that woman! Still, she managed to keep controll. As she realised she got me, she started giving me soft commands, like a whispered "stop please... stop..." and stuff like that, which I immidiately followed and looked away, to her appreciation. After that, the atmosphere was really relaxed. We also watched a porn that they recorded. I was allowed to stay one hour extra for free and went away again.

After that, we had daily contact for a while. In which they proceeded with their game. Giving me attention and praise, then trigger me. I worked through their maze pretty well, even though it was A LOT harder then before, because they knew I had a weakness for this one perticular woman and they knew how to play that out. So on the fith day or something, I got a very warm 12 minutes speechnote from the dude, where he was basically pretty excited where this will eventually go, eventhough he still expressed some concerns about me. He also said he's looking for a second man for like 8 years or something without sucess. I thought... jackpot! That sounds promicing! But now, it's my turn to trigger these assholes. So I told them everything that I thought sucks balls about them, about which the dude was really not amused. No further instructions, only that I should digest the information I received in my heart, be more respectful and should stop stalking them (lol... because I was texting them more often then they me).

So with this, it truely began. It was end of march by now and the process with them lasted till end of august, so 4 months. In that time, I had a literal fight with a dude as a consequence of the contact with these people, was stalked on face book by various people and fake people, watched staged drama on their youtube channel (which seemed real), experienced profound telepathy (not fucking kidding, that was the realest shit I ever experienced). That includes that one of the women GAVE me another kundalini experience through telepathy. I broke into 2 houses (not really but the police is less understanding), had to sleep a night in prison attatched to the wall with handcuffs and had to do a weird paper chase in the village where they lived for 3 days to get the allowance to come back, basically. Sometimes I basically got ignored for weeks. And always when I wanted to quit, they gave me just that which I needed to stay interested. I even saw one of the women nacked, yay! But then I got thrown out for some stupid reasoning. I still kept contact with them because I assumed that it was part of their procedure, which turned out to be true. At some point, the uploaded really heart opening stuff on youtube, in which they basically told me how impressed their are over what I did, better then all the other wimps who tried before, and they told me that they really consider me being a friend. They invited me to come back and promised that certain things will not get room anymore. They tried to shift the atmosphere. Wanted to get to know me, and apparently to fuck with me on LSD finally. Yay. But at that point, i felt like I was close to a burn out. I really developed an emotional bond to these fuckers over the months. My self esteem was just completely destroyed at that point, so I blocked all they fucking face book fake profiles. Shortly after, they started to upload straight up pornography on youtube ( even though it was censored), after which the channel got deleted. More then 600 videos at the end, all gone. Till today, they didn't reappear, even though it's already one month now. Only a tiny channel with one video, where the dude says "Sorry guys, I couldn't behave, now everything is gone. Maybe it will come back in the future, who knows." He only uploaded 2 more vids, in which he just shows that he's still looking for male support, because he cannot satisfy 3 woman alone all the time...lol.
Some of their content reappeared on one of their private channels from one of the women, all german though, obviously.
It really appears that they try to hook me up with her for a variety of reasons.
I basically cut almost all the contact to them because I need time to stomach that all, and I told them I'm really not feeling good. I'm not blaming them for me feeling bad now, I'm not even sure that me feeling bad is a direct konsequence of the contact with them. I experienced a lot of joy with them. I do believe, in some fucked up way, these people are my friends. But I don't feel like I can live up to what they offer, at least not anymore, because I'm depressed old me again. I feel bad in the company of almost everyone, so how would it be in their company with their fucking high standarts?
 
UseItOrLoseIt

UseItOrLoseIt

1O'8
Dec 4, 2020
2,214
My problem is that I have been made to feel inferior by society which causes me to avoid people. I feel like no one really has the same problems as me.
Even if we don't share the same problems, we do share the same pain (ehhh, kind of).
The only thing we are able to do with our pain is share it in the form of anecdotes and figurative depictions, however common or not, to evoke the sensation that we're going through. Even if it's probably the most common thing we all have, there is in fact no such thing as sharing pain.
But we do share a knowledge.
Both the genius and the tragedy of suffering is that it makes you shockingly aware that you are fundamentally alone in your ordeal.
I will never get tired of this quote:

"Action is transitory, a step, a blow,
The motion of a muscle, this way or that,
'Tis done--And in the after-vacancy,
We wonder at ourselves, like men betrayed.
Suffering is permanent, obscure and dark,
And shares the nature of infinity."

In pain, we are all beyond reach. Our stories ring hollow, our voices die out in infinite space. But my hand reaches for yours and yours for mine, and even if I can't touch it, or even see it, I know that it's there for the simple fact that mine is. And I know that it's tired of holding out.

We are not so different.

:heart:
 
SuicideBoys93

SuicideBoys93

I am the lord of loneliness.
Feb 10, 2020
324
My ex-mother in law brought up to my mother that my ex-wife is in another relationship. Here I am, cheated on, lost the house, and one of my dogs from the marriage. Crazy how the universe somehow ends up rewarding those who are not worth shit. I genuinely feel bad for the guy because he has no idea the pain she'll cause once she somehow gets bored. Being one of the good guys doesn't get you anywhere in the life other than being spit in the fucking face.
 
O

OrcWitch

Warlock
Sep 3, 2021
703
Whenever I shared even far less extreme traumas, it was met with immediate distance, disbelief or a range of other alienating, unsupportive responses.
It feels like people sometimes hear a story of trauma and think it needs an equally extreme response, so they feel unable to respond to it. I am guilty of this too at times. This is something I experienced in an internet relationship a few years ago where I was told(paraphrased) "Sometimes you tell these stories and I want to listen to you and care for you, but the things you're talking about make me feel unable to say the correct thing, it's overwhelming and I don't feel equipped to talk about it".

Your story made me angry while reading. The fact that people have to be born from such parents and enter the world in these circumstances is an unforgivable crime of existence. It is fair of you to say loneliness is not the problem, but just a symptom of the traumas that flares up at times.
 
Tonight634

Tonight634

Member
Aug 24, 2020
90
My problem is that I have been made to feel inferior by society which causes me to avoid people. I feel like no one really has the same problems as me.
Can I ask what exactly did society do to make you feel that way?
 
Øystein

Øystein

Can't cope
Apr 24, 2020
80
It feels lonely to never be understood. To be there for someone when they vent, share successes and talk about their interests to the tiniest detail, often with long paragraphs of text. It's nice to be there for them, but no so much when your presence is not appreciated, and when you're not even allowed to do the same. I feel like I'm boring them to death. It feels lonely to know that you weren't "picked" for who you are, you were one of many in a partner-finding trial without even realising. It feels lonely to know they don't even want to see you in person, finding excuses all the time. Yet when you voice your saddness about that, you're the monster for making them feel guilty. You're not good enough to be worth seeing in person. It feels lonely when that's the only person you can talk to. It feels lonely when they aren't happy with you trying to find new hobbies, something to fill time with, something to possibly give some joy, because it's not what they like doing. It feels lonely that when you talk about how much pain you're in, they never want to comfort you, it's either belittling your feelings, ignoring them or saying you're trying to imply it's their fault for not dragging you out of this. Are you only alive for them to feel good that they're helping a depressed person?

It feels lonely when no one understands how lonely it is to be stuck.

I just want to be gone.
 

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