Dead inside but still horny
- Jun 16, 2021
do you want to talk with me? i'm so lonely and i don't have anyone to talk, DM me please
Not exactly. Some of them are likely like me, it's not that they DON'T WANT friends, but rather that they seem incapable of MAKING friends. It's been many years now since I've had friends, it feels like something I used to do in the distant past but is not part of my universe anymore.People are alone on Sanctioned Suicide and yeat they do not want any friends!
Hey I already mentioned I’ve got friends and yet I’m still lonely. Oh well.People are alone on Sanctioned Suicide and yeat they do not want any friends!
I'm thinking of going back to drama group. I'm hoping someone else will be running the drama group these days, and I'll be able to talk to them about what happened, and they'll treat me fairly and let me come back.OK, this is going to be a long post.
On Wednesday March 29 2017 I received an e-mail from Tudor, the secretary of St Blane’s drama group, saying I wasn't welcome at drama group anymore. He said more or less nothing about why, just something about my behaviour towards certain members of the drama group. I wasn't even aware that I'd been accused of anything before this; it was a complete shock to me! I've been convicted without a fair trial, and without even being told what I've done wrong! I e-mailed Tudor and asked why. Tudor won't say much about it, but from what he has said it sounded as if Alex and Pauline have accused me of giving them unwanted attention. As far as I know, what is meant by attention is trying to make friends. I've not spoken to Pauline since January 2015, and I hadn't e-mailed her since about March 2016. And literally all I've done to try to make friends with Alex is say "how are you?" in 1 message on facebook, and then when she didn't reply, say "don't you like me?" in the 2nd message. Tudor also said something about my behaviour during the pantomime in January 2017 leaving something to be desired, but didn't say what I'd done wrong.
I've e-mailed Tudor lots since then to try and find out what I've done wrong, and persuade him to listen to my side of the story. He's given me bits and pieces of information, but still not told me everything. I even sent him copies of both messages I sent to Alex, to prove my innocence. Just before Easter, he said that they'd discuss my situation at a committee meeting some time in the future. So that seemed like a glimmer of hope, except for the fact that there was no sign of me being informed of what I've done wrong before then, no indication that I'd be invited to the committee meeting, and Pauline, who apparently is my main accuser, is on the committee, so it certainly didn't sound as if I was going to get a fair trial. And there was never any indication that I’d be allowed back to drama group in the meantime.
I'd bought Easter eggs for 2 people at drama group, Kate and Tudor. So I turned up at drama group on Easter Tuesday, to deliver the Easter eggs. 1 or 2 people seemed surprised to see me, but they were friendly enough to me. Then I went to give Tudor his Easter egg after the rehearsal was over, and he turned it down and said I was just trying to bribe him. Pauline butted into the conversation and accused me of accusing her of acting inappropriately by refusing to go on holiday with me or something. (She's never even said anything about not wanting to go on holiday with me.) Tudor gave me a lift home. (Kindness is Tudor's strength; fair mindedness is Tudor's weakness.) Just before he dropped me off he told me that someone had accused me of shouting at someone and refusing to go on stage during the pantomime. So maybe that was what my behaviour at the pantomime accusation was about. It wouldn’t be much of an exaggeration to say that each of those things is against my nature.
I e-mailed Kate about it, she told me a bit about what it was all about, but she didn't know much. (I don't know how she knew more than I knew about it though.)
If you're convicted of a crime, you can appeal against the verdict on a point of law. So I decided to appeal, on the grounds that I hadn't had a fair trial and that I hadn't had any previous warning. The drama group is affiliated to St Blane's church; so I appealed to the church, via the minister there. His name's Gary, he started coming to the drama group in 2016, so I know him a bit.
I contacted Hamish, the preacher man at a church I used to go to, and asked him if he wanted to be my lawyer and help me with speaking up for myself if I ever do get a chance to give my side of the story. He turned the offer down but he said he'd speak to Gary. He came to my flat and talked to me, and told me what he thought I'd been accused of.
I e-mailed Tudor and told him what my understanding of the accusations was (what Hamish told me), and asked him to confirm it. He said he'd reply next week. 3 weeks and 5 days later I got a reply. Tudor’s original version of the accusations, Kate’s version of the accusations, Hamish’s version of the accusations, and Tudor’s latest version of the accusations were all different to each other. The good news seemed to be that they were getting progressively less bad. So I thought maybe if I keep asking people, I’d eventually get the list of accusations down to just having asked Alex ‘How are you?’.
Tudor’s 2nd version of the accusations against me were: inviting Pauline to go to the Stirling fringe, inviting Pauline to go on holidays with me (and saying I’d understand if she wants to bring her husband and children with her), and making such approaches to at least 1 other person. I e-mailed Tudor and asked him if that is a correct, complete and accurate account of the accusations, and asked who else I’d been accused of making such approaches to and what approaches I’d been accused of making to them. He’s never written back.
I've told Tudor that if I've done anything wrong, I want to know what it is so that I can sort out any dispute with anyone I've upset and make it up to them; I've told him that I'm suicidally lonely and I'm desperate to learn from my mistakes and improve my friend-making ability.
Eventually, I heard back from Gary. He said they were rejecting my appeal and claimed I’d sent inappropriate e-mails to people. He didn’t say what inappropriate e-mails I’d sent or anything; and the church haven’t given me a fair trial either. There was no indication they’d even looked at any evidence or anything! They treated me just as unfairly as the drama group themselves! It was a complete waste of time contacting Gary at all!
In June, they did the performance of a play, so I wanted to be there for that. And of course, they hadn't given me a fair trial or a good reason why I shouldn't. (And my social worker said I had the right to still go.) So for those 2 reasons, I turned up on Sunday of the week that was on. I was hoping I'd get an opportunity to ask Tudor or someone to tell me exactly what I've been accused of in person too, and finally get some answers. Gary asked me to leave. And Richard said I couldn’t stay because I wasn’t in the play. I didn’t want to make a scene or anything, so I went home again. So I’d walked all the way there and back for nothing.
I e-mailed Richard a few days later and asked for an explanation for the way he’d treated me, and he said he no longer allows people in to rehearsals that aren’t directly involved in the play. He could have given me a job with the stage crew; I’d have been perfectly willing to help out that way.
Someone advised me to leave it for a while, give things time to calm down, and then try again. So I left it and didn’t go back to drama group or e-mail Tudor over the summer. I e-mailed Richard and Pauline during the summer, because they’re on the committee, and asked them what the accusations are, but neither of them told me.
On August 29 2017, I went back to drama group to ask in person what the accusations were as I was getting nowhere trying to find out by e-mail. They asked me to leave a few times. I was polite, but assertive (or as assertive as I’m capable of being.) Most of the time I politely said “I’d prefer not to.” Once I responded by saying “Until I get a complete, correct, and accurate account of what I’ve been accused of, I’m not willing to leave.”
Alex threatened to call the police. She just walked off before I had a chance to respond to that; I didn’t see any sign of them. (Perhaps she realised I had a good reason for staying and changed her mind.)
I told a few people that spoke to me that I hadn’t been told what I’d done wrong, and nobody seemed to believe me.
Tudor said something, I can’t remember what, he said I’d said or done something; and I said “Prove it.” And he and Gary (the preacher man at St Blane’s church) finally agreed to send me all the evidence against me. I think Gary also said that they’d tell me what all the accusations were too. They still seemed absolutely adamant that they’re not going to listen to my side of the story or look at any evidence of my innocence.
Linda told me that I’d upset her during the pantomime. I didn’t get a chance to talk to her enough about it to find out how. I contacted her on facebook afterwards to find out more, but she’s never replied.
Tudor seems to be guilty of muddled thinking sometimes. At 1 point he said that I’d said something in an e-mail to him, and I said I hadn’t, and he insisted I had, so I corrected him and told him what I’d actually said; and his response was “See? You’ve admitted it!”, when what he was claiming I’d said was different to what I’d “admitted” to!
I gave Kate the Easter eggs that Tudor didn’t want. They were best before Jul 31 unfortunately. I’d actually taken a present for Tudor too, to make up for the happiness he missed out on by not eating the easter eggs, but I didn’t get a chance to give him it afterwards. Giving it to him while he was trying to talk me into leaving didn’t seem quite the right moment earlier.
And then at the end of the rehearsal (which I wasn’t involved in, so it was rather boring), Kate gave me a lift home. On the way home, Kate said it was very brave of me to come to drama group, but she didn’t think it would do much good.
So it sounded as if there was some hope of finally seeing the evidence, and maybe finding out what I’ve allegedly done wrong. And if not, I’d find out what Linda was upset about, or find out she wasn’t all that upset by her lack of response. I apologized to her when I contacted her on facebook anyway.
I felt glad that I went. I felt very pleased with myself for going, and standing up for myself, and I was pleased that there was a bit more chance of finding out what I’ve been accused of.
I e-mailed Tudor and Gary the next day and asked for a complete, correct and accurate account of what I’ve been accused of, and asked them to send me the evidence. And I asked Tudor to give me a fair trial. And I reminded them both that if I have done anything to upset anyone, I'd very very much like to talk things over with them and resolve any dispute and repair any damage to my relationship with them, and make it up to them and, if necessary, apologize; and that I'm desperate to learn from my mistakes and improve my friend making ability!
As I still hadn’t heard from Tudor at the end of the week, I contacted Alex and Pauline and asked them what the problems were, and I’ve apologized to them even though I didn’t know what I was apologizing for. I’ve e-mailed each of them 7 times about it, and got no response, which I think is evidence that they’re false accusations.
I don’t understand why people don’t want me to find out what I’ve done wrong and make amends and apologize!
Actually to some extent I was hoping that by going to drama group, I’d be showing that I’m willing to do everything I can to find out what I’ve done wrong and apologize and learn from my mistakes, and give people a good impression of me. I got the feeling I was just giving people the impression that I’m stubborn or something though. :-(
2 and a half weeks after going to drama group I still hadn’t heard from Tudor or Gary so I e-mailed Gary again, and finally got a response. He told me 6 accusations, 4 of which weren’t true, the other 2 there did seem to be some truth in them, although I don’t know what was wrong with what I’d done. The only evidence he managed to produce was 14 quotes from e-mails I’d sent to Pauline, 13 of which were irrelevant to the 6 accusations.
I’ve e-mailed Gary several times and asked for more details about the accusations, like who I’d allegedly done/said the things to and when etc, and asked for a complete, correct and accurate account of what I’ve been accused of, and he refuses to tell me. He claims he’s already told me. Gary’s account of what I’ve been accused of is different to any of the others too, so I don’t even know which one to believe.
The committee meeting that they were supposedly going to discuss my situation at has never happened. I’ve never heard any more about that.
I went to the citizen’s advice bureau in October. They mentioned mediators, and suggested contacting a lawyer. They also contacted social services for me.
I got a new social worker in November of that year. She's never been interested in helping me.
I contacted a mediation service, who contacted them, but apparently the mediation service didn’t hear back from the drama group. I asked them about mediating privately between me and Alex, and between me and Pauline too, but the mediation service didn’t hear back from either of them either!
I e-mailed 2 lawyers, and didn't hear back from either of them. I asked my social worker to help me contact a lawyer, and she's totally uninterested in helping me.
Eventually, I told my social worker that if she didn't help me contact a lawyer I'd go back to drama group to ask in person again. What else could I do? Despite saying herself that if I went back to drama group they might contact the police, she was still unwilling to do so. So in April 2018, I went back to drama group to ask again, and got a 3rd different version of the accusations from Tudor, but he refused to tell me everything.
I eventually managed to persuade my social worker to do something (or perhaps she was just pretending to do something to help me). She said she'd arrange a meeting with Tudor and Gary to discuss the situation. So on May 1 2018, I walked about 6 kms to St Blane's church hall, and they told me absolutely nothing that they hadn't already mentioned. They only mentioned 3 accusations, and didn’t give us details of those 3. Tudor also changed his mind about the accusations about Alex; he admitted that she hadn’t accused me of anything. They can’t even seem to make up their minds what the accusations are! My social worker did absolutely nothing to encourage them to tell me anything.
I contacted another lawyer about it, and he contacted Tudor about it, and Tudor wouldn’t tell him what the accusations are either. He contacted social services too, but they had nothing helpful to say. The only thing the lawyer could suggest was to take legal action against them for defamation, but he said he hadn’t got any experience with defamation cases and suggested I contact another lawyer who specializes in that area of law. So the 240 pounds I spent in legal fees felt like a waste of money. The lawyer also said that the problem is that I can’t produce evidence of defamation because I don’t know what the defamatory statements are. I’ve got the e-mails from Tudor and Gary, I’d have thought they’d be some evidence of what the defamatory statements are.
So I contacted another lawyer, who specializes in defamation. 4 and a half months after I first contacted him, I was finally told that they were too busy with other cases and couldn’t help me.
So I contacted a 5th one, and never heard back from them. So I contacted the 3rd lawyer again, and he said all he could suggest was to contact the law society of Scotland to see if they could find anyone who could act on my behalf. So I did that, and they just sent me suggestions for lawyers to contact. They said they couldn’t contact them for me. And I’m too shy to phone them.
Since then, I’ve contacted a lot more lawyers. The only response I got until June 2020 was "we don’t deal with this kind of case", or no response at all. In total, I’d contacted 40 law firms including the ones mentioned above before I finally found another one that does deal with defamation cases and had the decency to write back to me. They more or less confirmed that I didn’t have much of a case because I don’t know what the accusations are, and said it wasn’t worth bothering because it would be difficult to find out, and I’d just be throwing good money after bad. They said I could contact another lawyer and ask for a 2nd opinion.
I contacted another lawyer, for a 2nd opinion like they suggested. And they don't deal with defamation cases. So that's 41 law firms I've contacted altogether now!
If I keep going like this, I’m never going to get this situation sorted out. I could be contacting lawyers who don't bother to respond for years before one finally does.
So the situation’s crazy! The drama group never sent any real evidence, or explained properly what the accusations are. And they’re not interested in listening to my side of the story. I’ve been convicted of a crime I didn’t commit. (And IF I have done anything wrong, I didn’t know it was wrong.)
I don’t know what happened to innocent until proved guilty. They’ve violated my right to not be subjected to attacks on my honour or reputation.
And I can’t find anyone that’s willing to help me find out what the accusations are.
It looks as if I might just have to give up hope of ever finding out what the accusations were. And therefore give up hope of ever getting justice, and worse still, give up hope of ever learning from whatever mistakes I made! I must have done something wrong if they hate me enough to make any accusations about me, true or false, behind my back and get me kicked out! I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, so I could find out how to make friends more easily! It’s got to be more than just being so shy that’s making it difficult to make friends, and this would be a golden opportunity to get some idea of what I’m doing wrong!! It’s extremely frustrating, to say the least!
Sorry this hasn't been sorted.I'm thinking of going back to drama group. I'm hoping someone else will be running the drama group these days, and I'll be able to talk to them about what happened, and they'll treat me fairly and let me come back.
I'm extremely frustrated about not knowing what, if anything, I did wrong and not being able to learn from my mistakes. I'm extremely frustrated about the lack of justice. And I'm extremely frustrated at the lack of opportunity to do drama. And nobody cares enough to phone a lawyer for me to get justice the legal, orthodox way. So I don't know what else I can do!
I'm a bit scared they'll contact the police though.
in my opinion it's not. not worth it cause people nowadays are so selfish, you never know when and how you're gonna be betrayed and cheated.I'm starting to doubt whether friendship is something worth having.
I can't find any near me other than the other one I tried where I was asked not to join.Sorry this hasn't been sorted.
As for actually taking part in drama is there any possibility of attending another drama group?
Social services told me they'd assessed me as needing a support worker for 8 hours per week, in 2004. They've never provided it! And now they've abandoned me altogether. I haven't even got a social worker any more.If you still have a social worker could you ask her if you could possibly have a support worker to go to a drama group with you and help you fit in?
Ignore this if it's not helpful. Take care.
@Addi_Madd, if he's ashamed to be seen with you then he's not worthy of you 💐I haven’t had a proper relationship for years. There’s a man currently who’ll sleep with me but won’t be seen in public with me and won’t tell anyone about our relationship. He’s single but I don’t think he wants people to know he’s fucking someone who looks like me as I’m not a beautiful woman that a man would want to show off.
Sorry about this. I know how difficult it can be to access help.I can't find any near me other than the other one I tried where I was asked not to join.
Social services told me they'd assessed me as needing a support worker for 8 hours per week, in 2004. They've never provided it! And now they've abandoned me altogether. I haven't even got a social worker any more.
Ye true. Anything that directs my attention to it is unwelcome in my life.I’m only lonely when I’m reminded of it. I can be perfectly content for months in regards to being alone, but as soon as someone asks me something to do with having friends, I feel incredibly bad. This is why I have a hard time talking to family because those questions inevitably come up and it just makes me feel terrible.
How do you hold good friends close?Yeah uh, I just ended my most active social account because I got tired of faking myself for other people so.. guess I'm here now.
I'm dreadful at starting conversations or talking to new people, as hard as I try. But I hold my good friends close.
Those that I feel strong emotional attachments to, I have kept for the longest. One of them for at least 5 years, another for more than 3.How do you hold good friends close?
Used to do this reminder a lot with my favourite person and it still ended as if it had always been a passing thing. I am still surpirsed every day how easy it was for her. It was as easy for her to cut me off as it is for me to commit to ctb.you'll always be my friend
I'm sorry to hear about that.. It is an extremely painful thing to deal with when people just cut you out of their life quickly.Used to do this reminder a lot with my favourite person and it still ended as if it had always been a passing thing. I am still surpirsed every day how easy it was for her. It was as easy for her to cut me off as it is for me to commit to ctb.
I am glad you can still keep juggling it all. Seriously. I feel like I'm finished off and I feel a little something when I see that other people - even in this site of misery - can still carry on trusting friends etc.
I do not even trust myself to not absolutely lose my grip on my sanity while I wait for a single month...
Omg for sure. Your livelihood depends on it through being a bubbly career-boot licker.What a lot of people don't realize also is that having poor social skills and being lonely isn't only bad for your mental health but also your career, the easiest way to get a job is nepotism. And there's a lot of it.
Whenever I am forced into a situation where I have to interact with classmates they always make it a point to make a face of disgust when I talk, let me know with their body language they dislike me, etc. When I do presentations, they laugh when I get up to talk. it's crushing.
I don't wanna be friends with them, I don't even like them, I just wish they didn't openly dislike me so much. I wanna be able to do group projects and mandatory field trips without being in a constant fight or flight state
in my opinion it's not. not worth it cause people nowadays are so selfish, you never know when and how you're gonna be betrayed and cheated.
can't trust anybody.
and for you to meet someone nice, you're gonna have to go through multiple disappointments. by the time you met them, you already lost your faith in humanity to become a misanthrope, lost your trust to become adept to cynicism after being lied to and taken advantage of multiple times, so you end up letting this nice person go, not sticking to them and not holding them, cause you don't really trust anybody anymore.
I'm not talking about you especifically of course, just in general I seen that movie, I seen in myself, it's so easy to fall to cynicism after discovering the red pill that things aren't as they appear to be and most people are there for their own interests.
in the end we only have ourselves and Gods, if you believe in any of them.
I'm thankful that I have a dog. it really makes my life better. long walks in nature with them and their companionship is really a good thing for me.
the other reason why I think it's not worth it is because the feeling of loneliness tend to disappear when we focus on other projects like work, fitness etc. if you go for an hour in the gym everyday, cook your healthy diet, spend time working on your projects or hobbies, take a warm bath to relax and do your sleep ritual to prepare for the next day, you won't have time to feel lonely. just do things. don't think, do. our ancestors were rarely doing nothing and looking at the sky, they were often hunting animals, making weapons and building things. we need to do.
and also we live in a society that overvalues financial achievements, individualism, independency, power, conquest, work etc and forgets our human side.
the modern values have a lot to do with psychopathy. it's the psychopaths who want money, power and conquest while despising human connection, nature and play.
just know it's not your fault. you are an ancestral human being trapped in a modern toxic environment. it's not your fault.
"Western cultures believe we must be alive for a purpose, to work, to make money. Some indigenous cultures believe we're alive just as nature is alive: to be here, to be beautiful & strange. We don't need to achieve anything to be valid in our humanness."
"I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being."
I’m only lonely when I’m reminded of it. I can be perfectly content for months in regards to being alone, but as soon as someone asks me something to do with having friends, I feel incredibly bad. This is why I have a hard time talking to family because those questions inevitably come up and it just makes me feel terrible.
I wonder why people still believe that online connections can substitute real life connections. it's so obvious that they can't.I don't know, maybe this is a bad idea, but I had the idea of a "Friends Megathread", inspired by the "Partners Megathread" we already have a while ago. I feel like this (great) thread here is more about the discussion of loneliness, though I'm sure people have found others to connect with through it, so maybe my idea is unnecessary.